Do you realize that four weeks from today
we're getting married?
Four weeks, baby! Four weeks!
You realize that you get louder each week?
There's still so much to do.
Hey, have you written your vows yet?
I figured I'd just buy those.
Pat, I'd like to buy a vow.
[chuckles]
Sweetie, you know I have no sense of humor
when it comes to the wedding.
Right. So, ahem, have you written yours yet?
No, but I know exactly what I'm gonna say.
Do you happen to know exactly what I'm gonna say?
You know what?
Let's just do it right now, okay?
It won't be hard.
Just say what's in your heart.
[thinking] Look at her go.
She must love me more than I love her.
What's wrong with me?
Ooh, don't open that door.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[exhales heavily] Monica..
...there are no words..
There are no words.
This should not be this hard.
Alright. Uh, oh, hey, you've done this before, Ross.
Well, what did you say when you made up your vows?
Well, with Carol, I promised never to love another woman
until the day I die.
She made no such promise.
I am so pathetic. Monica knows what she wants to say.
You should've seen her writing and writing and writing.
Monica, what? What is the emergency?
You have to help me.
I'm supposed to be writing my vows
and all I have is this.
Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you
in the wedding dress.
Thank you.
Yeah, except your breasts look
kind of small.
Those are my eyes.
Those are my breasts.
[chuckles] Oh, yeah. Okay.
Well, w-why don't you just start with something simple?
Like, um...Monica..
...from the moment I met you..
...I knew I loved you.
Yeah, I'm not sure I can do that.
Everyone, this is Chandler.
Hi, oh, I'm Ross' little sister.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Um, maybe you could start with
Chandler, even though we were friends
there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more.
Alright, there's a nuclear holocaust.
I'm the last man on Earth.
Would you go out with me?
Yeah.
Oh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?
Maybe you don't talk about your feelings back then.
Maybe you just say something about
you know, all the things that he's taught you.
Like..
Or all the things you taught him.
Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones.
You got one, two, three..
...four...five
six and seven.
There are seven?
That's one?
[chuckling]
Kind of an important one.
Oh, you know, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.
[chuckles] Well, you know
sometimes that helps.
Okay, now start out with a, a little one.
A two.
A one, two, three.
A three.
A five.
A four.
A three, two.
Two.
A two, four, six.
'Two, four, six.'
'Four.'
Two. Two.
Four, seven.
Five, seven.
Six, seven.
Seven.
Seven, seven, seven!
Seven!
[whispers] Seven.
[instrumental music]
Oh! I got it.
How about saying something like, Monica..
"Monica."
...when I look back over
our time together..
- Yeah? - I can't do everything.
Look back over your time together.
[instrumental music]
Oh, look, twins.
No fair. I don't even have one.
- How come they get two? - You'll get one.
Oh, yeah? When?
(Chandler) 'Alright, I'll tell you what.'
When we're 40, if neither of us are married
what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Oh, no, no. No. I-I just meant hypothetically.
Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
- No. No, no. I-- - No, no, what is it?
Seriously, is there something fundamentally
unmarriable about me?
- Uh, uh-- - Well?
Dear God, this-this parachute is a knapsack.
I'm getting married today!
A-whoo-hoo!
Do you think he knew I was here?
- Nice try. - Wait, wait, wait.
- Look, Monica-- - Look!
This is not gonna work.
I bet this'll work.
[laughing]
You are so great. I love you.
What?
Nothing, I said, I said, "You're so great."
And then I just, I just stopped talking.
You said you love me. I can't believe this.
No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.
- You love me. - No, I don't!
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
[screaming]
You know, I was thinking, what if I
uh...unpack here?
Then all your stuff would be here.
Well..
...what if all my stuff was here?
Then you'd be going back and forth all the time.
I mean...doesn't make any sense.
Okay.
What if we live together and you understand what I'm saying?
You wanted it to be a surprise.
Oh, my God.
Chandler..
...in all my life..
...I never thought I would be so lucky..
[sniffles] ...as to fall in love with my best..
...my best..
[sniffles] There's a reason why girls don't do this!
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll do it.
I thought..
Wait, I-I can do this.
[chuckles]
I thought... that it mattered..
...what I said... or where I said it.
Then I realized..
...the only thing that matters is that you..
...you make me happier... than I ever thought I could be.
And if you let me..
...I will spend the rest of my life
trying to make you feel the same way.
[sniffles]
[chuckles]
[chuckling]
- Monica? - Yeah.
Will you marry me?
[chuckles] Yes.
[sniffles]
(Joey) 'Can we come in yet? We're dying out here!'
Come in! Come in!
We're engaged!
[all cheering]
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, what have you guys been up to?
Uh, we were helping Chandler write his vows
but he kicked us out because Joey kept making
inappropriate suggestions.
How is "Monica, I love your sweet ass" inappropriate, huh?
How's Monica coming along with her vows?
Let's just say it's lucky she's got a sweet ass
'cause she's not so good at the writing.
I can't believe in four weeks they're gonna be married.
Well, let's just hope it works.
You know, nine out of ten marriages end in divorce.
[chuckles] Phoebe, that's not true.
Yeah, you're right. How's the missis?
I can't believe they've been together for three years.
Has it been that long?
Maybe it seems like less because they
hid it from us for so long.
[knocking on door]
(Joey) 'Hey, it's me.'
'I'm comin' in.'
[Monica inhales deeply]
I've had a very long, hard day.
Uh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. You want some?
Uh, no thanks. No chicken. Bye-bye, then.
[gasping]
Are you okay? I'm so sorry. He wouldn't leave.
He kept asking me if I wanted chicken.
Chicken?
I could eat some chicken.
Hey, Joe!
[Monica inhales deeply]
[gurgling]
Yeah, can I get a, uh, three-piece, uh
some coleslaw and some beans and a Coke?
[screams] Diet Coke.
[instrumental music]
I don't know why they didn't just tell us.
I know. I mean, It's not like we weren't cool about it.
You? And-and you?
Yes, but you cannot tell anyone. No one knows.
How? When?
- It happened in London. - In London?
[indistinct shouting]
The reason we didn't tell anyone
was because we didn't wanna make a big deal out of it.
But it is a big deal.
- I have to tell someone. - No, no, no.
- You can't. - Please, please.
We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay?
Please, just promise you won't tell.
Alright.
(Monica on phone) 'I can't wait to be with you.'
'I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be'
'doing laundry for a couple of hours.'
(Chandler on phone) 'Laundry, huh?'
'Is that my new nickname?'
(Monica on phone) 'Oh..'
'...you know what your nickname is, Mr. Big..'
[screams]
Oh, look. There's-there's Monica and Chandler.
Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey!
[gasps]
Ah! Ah!
- What? - Ah!
Chandler and Monica! Chandler and Monica!
- Oh, my God! - A-a-ah!
Chandler and Monica!
- Oh, my God! - A-a-ah!
Oh, my eyes! My eyes!
- Phoebe! Phoebe! - Oh!
- Okay, it's okay! It's okay! - Ah! No!
- They're doing it! They're.. - I know! I know! I know.
- You know? - Yes, I know!
And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know!
So you have to stop screaming!
Hey, what's going on?
[both screaming]
- What? What? - Hi! Nothing.
Oh, God, we were just so excited
that you might get this apartment!
Actually, it looks really good.
Oh! Oh, my God. It looks pretty good!
- Get in here! - Come on! Come on!
[all screaming]
Okay, so now they know you know
and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Yes. But you know what?
It doesn't matter who knows what.
Now enough of us know
that we can just tell them we know.
Now, all the lyin' and the secrets
will finally be over.
Or we could not tell them we know
and have a little fun of our own.
Alright, honey, we'd better go
if we're gonna catch that movie.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye, Chandler. I miss you already.
Okay, did-did you see that
with the inappropriate and the pinching?
Actually, I did.
Okay, so now do you believe
that she's attracted to me?
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, she knows about us.
Phoebe knows about us.
Well, I didn't tell them.
"Them?"
Who's "them?"
Uh...Phoebe and Joey.
- Joey? - And Rachel.
I would've told you, but they made me promise not to tell.
Oh, man, they think they are so slick messing with us.
But see, they don't know
that we know that they know.
- So.. - Ah, yes.
The messers become the messies.
Oh, my God, he wants me to come over
and feel his bicep and more.
- Are you kidding? - No.
I cannot believe he would do that to Mon..
Wh..
Joey, do they know that we know?
- No. - Joey?
- They know you know. - Oh, I knew it!
Oh, I cannot believe those two.
They thought that they could mess with us?
They're trying to mess with us?
[laughs] Oh-ho-ho..
They don't know that we know they know we know.
Oh..
And, Joey, you can't say anything.
Couldn't if I wanted to.
Listen, this is totally getting out of hand, okay?
She wants me to putlotion on her.
She's bluffing.
Look, she's not backing down.
She went like this.
He's not backing down.
He went to get lotion.
Oh, man, aren't you guys done yet?
Joey, look, just look at it this way
the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler
the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
- Ooh, I like that. - Okay.
Oh, okay. Show him your bra.
He's afraid of bras, can't work 'em.
[gasps] Joey!
Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons.
It's not my first time.
You go back out there
and you seduce her till she cracks.
Okay, give me a second.
- Did you clean up in here? - Of course.
Oh, y-you're, uh, you're goin'.
Um, not without you, lover.
So...this is my bra.
It's very, very nice.
Well, come here.
I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex.
You should be.
I'm very bendy.
I'm gonna kiss you now.
Not if I kiss you first.
- Uh. - Huh.
Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do
but, but kiss.
Here it comes.
Our first kiss.
Okay, okay-okay-okay!
- Fine, you-you win! - Hah!
- I can't have sex with you! - And why not?
Because I'm in love with Monica.
You're, you're what?
Love her. That's right. I love her.
I love you, Monica.
I love you too, Chandler.
I just, I thought you guys were doin' it.
I didn't know you were in love.
So that's it. It's over. Everybody knows.
Well, actually, Ross doesn't.
Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
No.
Wh-wha..
What are you doing?
[shouting] Get off my siste-e-er!
You know, your friends getting married
it's got to change things.
You really think it'll be that different?
How could it not be?
I mean, pretty soon they're gonna be having kids
and then, they're just gonna be hanging out
with other couples who have kids.
And then, maybe they're gonna have to leave the city
to be near a Volvo dealership.
Well, things change.
But I don't want them to move to a Volvo dealership.
It'll be okay, Joe.
Sorry. I just.. I like things the way they are.
Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Uh, that little naked guy would be me.
Ah, ah-ha, look at the little thing.
Yes.
Yes, fine, that is my penis.
Can we be grownups now?
- Who are those people? - Got me.
Oh, that's nana right there in the middle.
- Wow. - Yeah, let's see.
"Me and the gang at Java Joe's."
Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother.
How old was she there?
Let's see, "1939."
- Yeah. Uh, 24, 25. - Yeah.
Huh. Looks like a fun gang.
Ooh, look, look, look.
I got Monica naked.
- Let me see. - Ha ha ha.
No, no, that would be me again.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, you guys. - Hey.
- What's goin' on?
Well, we were just
talking about you guys gettin' married
and...how great it is.
Yeah, you could get a Volvo.
If that's what you really want.
- Oh, that's so sweet. - Hmm.
So we both finished our vows.
- Oh, can we read them? - Hey.
Yeah, just as long as I don't hear Chandler's
and he doesn't hear mine.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Oh. - Oh.
[laughing]
Oh, that's beautiful.
[Joey laughing]
Funny one. That's good.
Monica, will-will you marry me?
[laughing]
What? I don't get it.
Oh, yeah.
[laughing]
Oh, man, this is hilarious.
Chandler!
Don't worry, honey, we'll make yours funnier.
[instrumental music]
Okay. What do you guys think?
Dude.
I have never known love like this.
You really like it?
Dude.
How-how did you write this?
I stole Monica's and changed the name. Shh.
- You can't do that. - If he goes first, he can.
[theme music]