Hey...hey, you guys are not gonna believe this.
I just got off the phone with my agent--
Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry, too soon, you go. - 'Okay.'
I got nominated for my part on "Days of Our Lives!"
- Oh! Good for you. - Joey!
- I know! - Congratulations!
I can't believe you're nominated for an Emmy!
- No, no. - Oh, Soap Opera Digest Award!
No. I'm up for a Soapie!
Honey, is that something you're making up?
No, no, no, it's real!
And it has been since 1998.
Hey, Rach, Rach, I'm up for a Soapie.
[gasps] Oh, my God!
That is, like, the third most prestigious
soap opera award there is!
Thank you!
Well, I guess now we know
who I'm taking to the awards.
Oh, stop that, don't kid about that.
Will all the stars be there?
Many are scheduled to appear.
Oh, my God, oh, my God! I can't go!
I'm gonna be too nervous!
- Okay, I'll go. - No!
You're getting married. This is all I have.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
And it was Ernest Muhlbrat who first hypothesized
that the velociraptor, when threatened
would expand its collar
and emit a high-pitched noise
to frighten off its predator.
'Yes, Mr. Lewis?'
What kind of noise?
Just a high-pitched
intimidating noise.
But like how?
Well, we-we don't know for sure.
But in my head, it-it sounded something like this.
Uh..
[squealing]
Of course, this is just conjecture.
[clears throat] Okay.
That's, uh, that's all for today.
Uh, Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Yes, sir?
Mr. Morse, I need to talk to you
about your midterm exam.
I'm afraid, I-I had to fail you.
Why?
Well, you need 60% to pass.
- What'd I get? - Seven.
That's not so good.
No, no, it's not! What-What happened there, Ned?
Well, maybe you can cut me some slack.
I'm sort of in love.
Well, I'm sorry, but that's-that's really
not my problem.
I'm in love with you.
Well, that brings me in the loop a little.
See, that's why I did so bad on this test.
I'm having a hard time concentrating.
When you're up there
and you're teaching..
...and your face gets all serious..
...it looks so good.
And when you wear that tight little turtleneck sweater--
Okay, Ned.
Uh..
I, uh..
I'm your teacher.
I'm sorry, you're-you're a student
and-and I, and I like women..
...in spite of what may be written
on the backs of some of these chairs.
Oh, my God!
That guy at the counter
is totally checking you out.
Really?
Oh, my God! He's really cute.
Go for it.
Phoebe, I'm engaged.
I'm just saying, get his number, just in case.
Look, now, if Chandler is in an accident
and can't perform sexually..
...you know, then, he would want you to take a lover
to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
- Hi, I was-- - Oh!
Could I just tell you something?
Um, very flattered
but, uh...I'm engaged.
Wow, uh..
This is kind of embarrassing.
I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
Well, you should be embarrassed.
I thought you knew I was looking at you.
I did, but that was really fun.
And the winner is Joey Tribbiani.
Oh-oh!
Ho!
Wow, I, honestly never expected this.
I, uh..
I didn't prepare a speech
but, uh...I'd like to thank my parents
who've always been there for me.
Also I'd like to thank my friends.
Chandler, Monica
Phoebe, Rachel--
- I'm fourth? - Geez!
Look at you with your little maple syrup award.
Yeah, may-maybe you don't tell anyone about this.
What? No, it's not a big deal.
I do that, too, with my shampoo bottle.
- Really? - Yeah.
What award are you practicing for?
Grammy.
- Best New Artist. - Ooh!
Oh, hey, listen, the Soapies people called today
and I also get to present an award.
- Oh, that's great! - Yeah.
So you'll definitely get on stage
even if you don't win.
What, you-you don't think I'm gonna win?
- But of course, I do. - Oh, well.
But you know, Favorite Returning Character
is a tough category, Joey.
I mean, you're up against the guy
who survived his own cremation.
Yeah, no, I know-I know I might not win
but it's just..
...I've never even been nominated before
I want it so much!
Well, Joey, you know, you'll probably get it
but you should probably start practicing
your-your gracious loser face.
You know, when, like, when the cameras are on you
and you want to look disappointed
but also that your colleague deserved to win
you know, so it's sort of like..
[gasps]
- Good. - You know?
You practice losing out
at the Grammys, too?
Oh, no, at the Grammys I always win.
Ah.
[instrumental music]
- Oh, hey! - Hey. Oh.
- How'd your date go with Jake? - Oh, great!
We couldn't keep our eyes off each other all night
and then, every once in a while, you know
he'd kind of just lean over
and stroke my hair
and then touch my neck--
Okay, stop it, Phoebe.
You're getting me all tingly.
Look, all I could think of was, you know
"Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"
- And did he? - I'm a lady, Monica.
I don't kiss and tell.
But this hickey speaks for itself.
Okay, okay, I got it. I got it.
I just like him so much that I just feel
like I've had ten drinks today
and I've only had six.
Oh, you know, I haven't had that feeling
since I first started going out with Chandler.
Well...I'm never gonna have that feeling again, am I?
You-you sound like a guy.
Uh, no, a guy would be saying
"I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else."
Oh, my God! I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else!
I've been so busy planning the wedding
that I forgot about all the things I'd be giving up!
I mean..
I'm never gonna have a first kiss again.
You'll have a last kiss.
[instrumental music]
Can I ask you something?
You ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
There's this kid in my class
who said he's in love with me.
- Whoa! - Whoa, what?
Ross has a boyfriend!
I do-I do not have a boyfriend.
There's a guy in one of my classes
who, who has a crush on me.
- Really? - Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, last year Elizabeth.
Now, now this kid.
What-what, what is it?
Uh, am I giving out some kind of a..
...sexy, professor vibe?
Not right now.
Uh-uh, the point is, my natural charisma
has made him fail his midterm!
Aw, see, now I feel bad for the kid.
I had a crush on a teacher once
and it was so hard, you know, you..
I couldn't concentrate
and I blushed every time
he looked at me..
I mean, come on, you remember what it's like
to be 19 and in love..
Yeah.
Guess I can cut him some slack.
Yeah.
So how'd you get over that teacher?
I didn't.
I got under him.
Problem solved!
- Bye, Phoebe. - Okay, bye.
Alright, bye.
Bye.
[sighs]
He said goodbye at the door so as not to
flaunt our new love.
Phoebe, it's okay you don't have to tiptoe around me.
I-I've been thinking about it and, uh
...you know what?
I'm okay about not having
that new relationship feeling. I'm..
I miss you already!
I miss you, too!
See, that's what I mean. I mean, that, that's great.
But I wouldn't trade in what I have for that.
I mean, I-I'm gonna be with Chandler
for the rest of my life and..
...that's what makes me happy.
Hey, sweetie, come here, come sit down.
Hey, Phoebe and I were just talking about
how our relationship is deep and meaningful.
It really is, don't you think?
Oh, totally!
Pull my finger.
[instrumental music]
(male #1) 'Presenting the award for'
'Favorite Returning Male Character is..'
This is it, this is it. This is my category.
- Do you have your speech? - Yeah, got my speech.
You got your "gracious loser" face?
- Yeah. - Very nice.
Now, try to remember, if you win, you have to hug me.
- You hug me. - Okay.
Can I squeeze your ass?
- On TV? - Yeah.
- Okay.
In the category of Favorite Returning Male Character
the nominees are..
John Wheeler from "General Hospital.."
[audience applauding]
...Gavin Graham from "The Young And The Restless.."
[audience applauding]
...Duncan Harrington from "Passions.."
...and Joey Tribbiani from "Days of our Lives."
[audience applauding]
And the Soapie goes to..
Gavin Graham from "The Young And The Restless."
[mumbling]
[audience applauding]
(male #1) 'Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress'
'is Joey Tribbiani from "Days of Our Lives."'
[audience applauding]
Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated
for this award tonight
deserves to take it home.
Unfortunately, only one can.
[scoffing] Yeah, right.
The nominees for Favorite Supporting Actress are..
from "Passions," Erin Goff.
[audience applauding]
From "One Life To Live," Mary Lauren Bishop
from "All My Children," Sarah Renee
and from "Days Of Our Lives," Jessica Ashley.
And the winner is..
Jessica Ashley from "Days Of Our Lives."
Uh, unfortunately, Jessica couldn't be with us tonight
so...I'll be accepting this award on her behalf.
And I'm sure that Jessica
would like to thank my parents
who always believed in me.
She'd also like to thank my friends
Chandler, Monica, Ross
Phoebe and Rachel
who's sitting right there.
[instrumental music]
Joey, why did we have to rush out of there so fast?
Rach, we had to get out of there because..
Look what I won!
[laughs]
Oh, my God! You stole her award.
No, no, oh, no.
I'm accepting it on her behalf.
Joey, I don't think you know what "behalf" means.
Sure I do, it's a verb..
...as in "I behalfing it."
Joey...you have got to take this back.
No, why? I should've won one. I, and I really wanted it!
She didn't even care enough to come to the thing.
It could also be a Grammy.
- No, Joey! - Come on, Rach.
No one saw me take it.
There was a whole table full of 'em.
Do you really want an award
that you didn't win?
No, I want an award I did win!
But nobody's given me any of those!
Plus, okay, Rach, if-if I put it up there, right
when people come over, they'll see it
and...they'll think I won it.
Joey, it says, "Best Supporting Actress!"
I can scratch that right off.
Joey, no, this is wrong.
You have to take it back, okay?
You don't want to win an award this way!
You're very talented.
And someday, you're going to win one of these for real
and that one is gonna mean something.
- Alright! - Alright?
Thank you.
- I'll take it back tomorrow. - Thank you.
If I can't have it, you can't have it!
[grunts]
[instrumental music]
Professor Geller?
Yes, Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
I know I didn't do well
on my midterms and stuff, but..
...I was kind of hoping you could change my grade.
And why exactly would I do that?
'Cause I'm in love with you.
- What? - Yeah.
I'm all...in love with you and stuff.
So could you change my grade?
No!
Well, why not? You changed Ned's grade!
Well, that's different, okay?
Because he-he was actually in love with me.
No, he's not!
He's totally yanking your chain.
He's done this with three other teachers!
- What? - He's got a girlfriend!
I can't believe someone would do that for a grade!
I know!
It's awful!
I love you.
- Have you seen Chandler? - No. Why?
'Cause I just keep thinking about all these things
that I'm not gonna have and it's freaking me out!
I don't know what to do about it.
Okay, don't sweat it.
Chandler is nowhere around
so go ahead, get it out of your system.
- That guy's cute. - What?
Phoebe, come on, I'm serious!
I've just got to talk to him about all this.
No, that is the last thing you want to do.
- Why? - Because you're marrying him!
You got to help me out here, Pheebs.
Alright, I've never been engaged
and I've never really been married.
But I can only tell you what my mother told me.
Whenever you have doubts or fears
or anxieties about a relationship
do not communicate them to your husband.
So...I'm not supposed to share
my doubts and fears with the guy
I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with?
That is correct!
Yes, you're supposed to take all that stuff
and put it in a little box in your mind
and then lock it up tight.
- Your mother told you this? - Yes.
The woman that got married a bunch of times
and killed herself when you were 13?
Oh, my God, you're right. Alright, go.
Go tell Chandler. Hurry before it's too late!
Wait, no, does this also mean
that putting out doesn't get you love?
[instrumental music]
I cannot believe I'm gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
Hey, wait, wait. Please.
Please...be cool, okay?
- I work with this woman. - Okay, I'm totally cool.
Okay.
(Jessica) 'Come in.'
Hey, Jessica.
Hey, Jess.
Now, this is my friend Rachel.
- Hi. - What's up?
Uh, listen, here's your Soapie.
I accepted it for you.
Oh, my God, I won?
Do you have any idea what this means?
Come on, that-that's it? You're not gonna..
You're not going to put it on your shelf or anything?
No. I try to save that for real awards.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Take it back? - Absolutely.
Yeah!
Yeah, you do.
- Honey? - Hm?
As we get closer to the wedding..
...is there anything that you'd like to talk about or share?
Okay, well..
...I think the centerpieces are too big.
You're wrong! The centerpieces are fine.
Alright. Do you ever get scared at all?
Kind of, they're really big.
Does it-does it ever freak you out that-that..
...you're never gonna be with anybody new again?
What?
Just...alright, I love you so much.
It's...it's just that sometimes it bothers me
that I'm never gonna have that feeling.
You know, when you meet someone for the first time
and it's new and exciting?
You know, that rush?
No.
Now, see, when I first meet somebody
it's, uh, it's mostly panic
anxiety and a..
...great deal of sweating.
Okay, but alright, you're a guy.
Does it not freak you out that you're never gonna
sleep with anybody else?
Sleeping with somebody new
anxiety, panic and, I'm afraid
even more sweating.
Even with me?
I was dangerously dehydrated
during the first six months of our relationship.
Look, for me, the rush is knowing that we are gonna be
together for the rest of our lives!
- Really? - Well, yeah!
But now that I know that you're having these thoughts
we're back to panic, anxiety, and, uh..
I'm definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Come here. Come here.
Oh, sweetie, you don't have to worry.
No. Besides, you know what?
I'm gonna have a lot of new things with you.
The first time we buy a house
our first kid
our first grandkid.
Water, water, water.
Uh, Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?
That was a great lecture today.
- Did you get a little haircut? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, do you like it?
Huh, do you-do you love it?
I just want you to know that I'm changing your grade back.
What? Why?
'Cause I know what you're trying to pull here, okay?
It's not gonna work.
I'm not trying to pull anything.
Look, I love you, dude.
You know what, I-I'm not even gonna talk about this, okay?
This little thing is over.
I know you have a girlfriend.
Okay? Yeah, and I know about the other professors.
How do you think that makes me feel, Ned?
You used me!
You don't love me, and you never did!
Ah, Professor Winston, Professor Frederickson.
I'll be right with you.
Don't make this worse, and I'll give you a "C."
Shall we?
[instrumental music]
- Rach? - 'I'll be out in a second!'
Mm.
It's just so unexpected I-I, uh..
Well, it, I'll tell you what, it's just such an honor
to just be nominated
for a Nobel prize.
And, you know, to win one
for a massage, oh..
...especially after having just won
a Tony Award for Best Actress in--
Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.
"In Reservations At 8:00"
by Neil Simon.
Thank you, thank you, Neil.
Thank you for the words.
Okay, honey, you can finish this later.
We're gonna be late. We got to go.
Please, don't play the music.
- I just have one more thing. - Okay.
Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night!"
[theme music]