- Hi. - Hi.
- Hi, Ben. - Hi.
Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
- Oh, yeah, go ahead. - Okay.
Uh, but before we do, uh
are any of Joey's special romance magazines in there?
- No, no. - Okay, all clear.
Thanks, Phoebe.
Yeah, it's Rachel.
But whatever.
Hey, listen, can you do me a big favor?
The, uh, dean's office called
and said there's an urgent meeting.
Can you watch Ben for, I don't know like, an hour?
- Wh-what about Monica? - Uh, she isn't home.
So, it would just be me alone?
Well, Ben would be there.
No.
- Huh, um.. - What's the matter?
You know, you know, it's just
uh, I've never done that before..
Me and him, alone.
Rach, he's not an ex-con.
Okay, okay, okay.
Um, well, what do I-what do I do with him?
I don't know, just-just talk to him.
Entertain him.
- Keep him alive. - Okay.
- Okay. Ben, come here.
Alright, I'm gonna leave you here
with Aunt Rachel for about an hour, okay?
- You gonna be okay? - Yeah, I think so.
I wasn't talking to you.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Oh, what about the second minister we met with?
I kind of liked him.
You mean the spitter?
Come on! He wasn't that bad!
Easy for you to say, you'll be wearing a veil.
Alright, what about the third guy?
You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Can you blame him?
Sorry, I just don't like the idea
of when I'm saying, "I do"
he's thinking, "Yeah, I'd do her too!"
Well then we still have a problem.
- Mm-hmm. - With what?
Well, we're trying to find someone to perform our wedding
and they're all either boring or annoying
or you know, can't stop staring at the ladies.
Oh! You should have one of us do it!
Phoebe, we're getting married married
not sixth grade married.
No! No! It's-it's a real thing.
Anyone can get ordained on the internet
and perform like weddings and stuff.
I call it!
What? No! It was my idea!
Guys, thank you very much
but neither of you is marrying us.
Does calling it not mean anything anymore?
We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy!
And when I say legitimate
I mean, gay and in control of his saliva.
[instrumental music]
Ben, you know when, uh, when you were a baby..
...you and I used to hang out all the time.
'Cause I was-I was your daddy's girlfriend.
But you're not anymore!
No, I'm not.
Because you guys were on a break.
Hey! We were not on a.. Okay.
When's my daddy coming back?
Fifty-two minutes.
[sighs]
So, no-no brothers or sisters, huh?
But you know what, I have two sisters
and we just tortured each other.
Really? Like how?
Well you know, we would um..
We repeat everything the other said
or uh, we'd jump out of closets to scare each other.
Or-or switch the sugar for the salt
so they'd put salt on their cereal.
[laughs] That's a good one.
Yeah? You like that one?
Yeah, you're funny.
I'm funny? Oh, thank God!
Well, hey, I got a ton of these.
Uh, you, uh, you take a quarter..
Take a quarter and...and you blacken the edge, alright?
And then you say to a person
"I bet you can't roll this quarter
"from your forehead to your chin
without it leaving your face."
And when they do it, they're left
with a big black pencil line
right down the center of their face.
Can I do it to you?
Yeah, I-I'm funny, Ben, but I'm not stupid.
Okay?
[upbeat music]
So, did you, uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?
No, but horny-for-Monica minister called..
..wanting to know if we were still together.
We're never gonna find anybody.
- Well, then let me do it. - Joe--
No, no, no. Look, I've been thinking about it.
I'm an actor, right?
So I won't get nervous talking in front of people.
I won't spit and I won't stare at Monica's breasts.
You know, everyone knows I'm an ass man.
- That is true. - Yeah.
And the most important thing is it won't be some, like, stranger
up there who barely knows you.
It'll be me.
And I swear, I'll do a really good job.
Plus, you know, I love you guys
and-and it would really mean a lot to me.
Might be kind of cool.
- So I can do it? - Yeah, you can do it.
Alright! Okay!
Alright! Okay! Okay.
I gotta get started on my speech.
Oh, wait a minute.
Internet ministers can still have sex, right?
- Yeah. - Hmm.
[knock on door]
Coming.
I have a bone to pick with you.
- Uh-oh. - Yes.
Ben learned a little trick.
- Oh, did he pull the old-- - That's right. That's right.
Saran wrap on the toilet seat, so the pee goes everywhere.
- Oh, that? - Yeah, that.
You know I hate practical jokes.
They're mean, and they're stupid
and-and I don't want my son learning them.
Oh, come on, Saran wrap on the toilet seat?
You don't think that's just a little funny?
- I was barefoot. - Oh.
Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing
you taught him, right?
Yes.
- Hey. - Hey.
Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani.
- Hey. - You did it! You got ordained?
Yeah. Just got off the internet.
Man, there's a lot of porn out there.
Our minister.
Hey, hey, anyway, I started working on
what I'm gonna say for the ceremony.
- You want to hear it? - Yeah.
Now, listen, this is just the first draft, so..
[clears throat]
"We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion..
"..to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
Huh?
"It is a love based on giving and receiving
"as well as having and sharing.
"And the love that they give
"and have is shared and received.
"And through this having and giving
"and sharing and receiving..
"...we too can share and love
and have and receive."
Should we call the spitter?
[knock on door]
[chuckles] Hey, Rachel.
- Hi. - What a nice surprise.
What are you doing here?
Well, you know, I was just in the neighborhood
and I passed by your building
and I thought to myself, "What's up with Carol
and sweet little Ben?"
- That's nice. Uh, come on in. - Okay.
Um, I-I'll make some coffee and, uh, we can chat.
I'd love that. I would love that.
So, uh, so where is sweet little Ben?
I would love to have a little..
[screams]
[sighs] I found him!
Very funny. Come here.
That is exactly why I've come here. To talk to you, okay?
(Carol) 'Rach, you want some sugar in your coffee?'
Yes, uh.. Do I want sugar in my coffee?
No, just some milk would be good, Carol. Thanks.
Okay, do you remember all that stuff
I taught you yesterday?
"Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?"
- Don't do that. - "Don't do that."
Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks.
"Seriously, your dad doesn't like pranks."
- Oh, damn it! - "Oh, damn it!"
No! Don't say that.
- Don't say that. - Damn it!
No, don't. Go back to repeating.
- Damn it! - Oh, crap!
- "Oh, crap!" - Oh.
[instrumental music]
Okay, you guys, I got a little more written. You ready?
[clears throat] Yeah, okay.
"When I think of the love
"that these two givers and receivers share
"I cannot help but envy the lifetime
"ahead of having and loving
"and giving and.."
And then I can't think of a good word for right here.
- How about receiving? - Yes!
See, Joe, not that that's not great..
...but one of the cool things about having somebody we know
perform the ceremony is that it can be about us.
'You know, it can be more personal.'
You can tell stories about us!
Oh! Oh! Uh, okay!
Maybe I'll talk about London. You know, when you hooked up.
Only, only I won't say hooked up
I'll say, began their beautiful journey.
- There you go. - By doing it.
- Joe. - Okay, alright.
Um, so, uh, so how did it happen?
Did your eyes meet across the room
and then the next thing you know you're in the bathtub together
and she's feedin' you strawberries?
Isn't that what happened to you and the bridesmaid?
Yeah!
I call that London style.
No, that is not what happened with us.
Oh, but maybe you should say it is
because London style sounds nice.
Okay, uh..
Well, I was um, really sad that night
because this guy thought that I was Ross' mom.
And then Chandler was, he was really sweet
and he consoled me and..
Well, we drank too much.
Yeah, baby.
And I was a perfect gentleman, and I walked her
to her hotel room and said goodnight.
Oh.
But then, later that night--
Yeah, baby.
[upbeat music]
[knock on door]
- Hey. - Cute PJs.
You're really living it up here in London, huh?
Well, I was..
I wasn't exactly expecting company after..
...9:15.
Is Joey here?
Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door
with the bridesmaid and a bucket of strawberries.
So, uh, you're not still upset
about what that guy told you, are you?
Wouldn't you be?
Well, look, it's been a really emotional time, you know?
And you've had a lot to drink, and..
You've just got to let that go, okay?
I mean, you were the most beautiful woman
in the room tonight.
- Really? - Are you kidding?
You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms..
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?
You and I just made out. You and I are making out?
Well, not anymore.
But we don't do that.
I know, I just thought it would be fun.
How drunk are you?
Drunk enough to know that I wanna do this.
Not so drunk that you should feel guilty
about taking advantage.
That's the perfect amount!
- You know what's weird? - What?
- This doesn't feel weird. - I know.
You're a really good kisser.
Well, I have kissed over four women.
You wanna get under the covers?
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
Wow, you are really fast!
It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
We're gonna see each other naked.
Yep.
Do you wanna do it at the same time?
- Count of three? - One.
- Two. - Two.
(in unison) Three.
Well, I think it's safe to say
that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Eh, we weren't that close anyway.
Yeah.
[door clicks]
Joey, Joey, Joey! J-J-Joey!
- Hey. - Hey, Joe.
I was just watchin' a movie..
Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.
- No! No! No! - Hey, no, no, no.
It's cool! It's cool! I-I'll only be a second.
I'm still with my bridesmaid. I just..
Where are those condoms you brought?
- They're in my bag over there. - Oh!
Uh...could you leave me one?
For just you?
Yeah.
Alright, here you go, buddy.
Go nuts.
That's what that was?
Oh, can you imagine if I hadn't left you that last one?
You two might've never gotten together.
Ooh-ooh, could you imagine if I'd sent that hooker
up to the room like I was gonna?
- It's like it was in the stars. - Hmm.
Yeah, it's totally meant to be.
Tell him who you originally wanted
to hook up with that night.
- What? - What?
What?
Who did you originally wanna hook up with?
Okay, fine, but please don't be upset, okay?
I was really depressed, okay? And really...drunk.
I just wanted something stupid and meaningless.
I just wanted.. Just sex.
So...when I went to your room that night..
...I was actually looking for Joey.
Yeah, baby.
No, baby.
Oh, my God.
You came to the room looking for Joey?
Were you ever planning on telling me this?
No, because I-I didn't think it was important.
It's not important? It's not important?
If it wasn't for a bridesmaid, you'd be marrying him, not me.
No, do you know how unbelievably glad I am
that Joey was not there that night?
Hey!
Now I'm a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
Look, there is no way you're doing this wedding now, okay?
What? That's not fair! It's not my fault!
I was off with my bridesmaid!
And who's to say I would've even said yes?
I mean I would've said yes.
Chandler, look, y-y-you are making way
to big a deal out of this, alright?
Look, everything worked out okay!
Okay, it's just weird! Okay?
I don't want to be standing there saying my vows
and then having the mental image of you and Monica.
I-I-I need.. I don't know what I need.
- I need a walk. - Wait, Chandler, come on.
- It's-it's not a big deal! - Well, it is to me.
You wanted to sleep with Batman
and instead you had to settle for Robin.
- This is crazy. - I know. Robin is so gay.
- So now what have we agreed? - No more pranks.
And-and what else?
That you and daddy were not on a break.
Very good.
[knock on door]
Rachel, what are you doing here?
I'm just visiting my good friend Carol.
- Your good friend? - Yeah.
What's her last name?
- Carol...lesbian. - Nice.
And by the way, that, uh, that line down my face..
The line that prompted a student
in my last class of the day to say, uh..
"Dude, don't you ever wash your face?"
Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
Listen, I don't want you teaching my son
that stuff anymore, okay?
Fine. Fine.
But I'll have you know that once I taught him that stuff
he called me fun Aunt Rachel.
And I loved being fun Aunt Rachel.
I'm glad you guys were bonding, but, I..
Look, he doesn't have any brothers or sisters.
Somebody's gonna have to teach him this stuff!
And I haven't taught him anything
that a normal six year old doesn't know anyway.
- 'Crap!' - I gotta go.
[upbeat music]
- Hey. - Hey. You want this scone?
It came for me, but it would probably rather sleep with you.
Chandler, come on. Nothing even happened.
I just.. I don't want you to be upset.
How can I not be upset? Okay?
I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman
and it turns out that she wanted you first!
Yeah, for like a half an hour, one night.
Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life.
We look at you and we see you together, and it just..
It-it fits.
You know?
And you just know it's gonna last forever.
That's what you should say.
What?
When you're marrying us, that's what you should say.
Really? I could do it?
I'd love it if you would do it.
Hey.
But those are the words. Those exact words.
Well, I don't remember exactly but..
...it's-it's pretty much about having
and giving, and sharing, and receiving.
[upbeat music]
- Hey. - Hey-hey.
- So are you guys doing okay? - Yeah.
We talked and Monica made me see
that I overreacted a little bit.
And some things in life are more important.
Yeah, baby.
I'm really glad you guys are okay
but I just keep thinking what would've happened
if-if you two actually had hooked up.
Honey, dinner's ready!
What's my little chef got for me tonight?
- Your favorite. - 'Oh-ho-ho.'
Fried stuff with cheese.
Yep. And lots of it!
Thanks, sweetheart.
Come here, little sugar.
- Okay, in we go? - Yeah, in we go.
In we go. In we go. In we go.
Oh!
How you doin'?
[upbeat music]
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, I'm sorry to do this to you again
but, uh, is there any way
you can look after Ben for a little bit?
I-I've got this meeting at school.
And he-he asked for his, uh, fun Aunt Rachel, so..
Aw. Well, of course, I will watch him!
We have fun, don't we, Ben?
Okay, I'll see you later, pal.
Okay.
[laughs] Wait a minute.
- Uh, Ben, I can't do it. - What?
Oh, you've got something here on your back.
What?
That's great. That is great.
What did we just finish talking about, Ben?
"What did we just finish talking about, Ben?"
Alright, that's it! Come..
You, no! You are in big trouble, young man!
- No! Wait! Come on! - No, Ben, come here!
I am not kidding!
- No, you guys.. - 'I'm-I'm..'
[Ross screaming]
[screams] Oh, my God!
[theme music]