So, thanks for coming by, guys.
We just wanted to bounce some ideas off of you
about the wedding ceremony.
Oh..
What's the matter? Are you okay?
Yeah, it's just, you know..
Monica said, wedding.
Uh, so, we wanted to know if-if one of you
would like to read something at the ceremony.
Okay, well, yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
Too?
Yeah, I kind of, uh..
[clears throat] ...have something else planned for you guys.
Oh. Do you mind telling us what it is?
Sorry, I'm kinda keeping this one on the QT.
Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking.
- Hey! - 'Hey!'
So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today and--
- What is DOOL? - "Days Of Our Lives."
Oh.
Anyway, you're not gonna believe it
my character is coming out of his coma!
Oh, that's great!
- That's great! - Joey!
And-and-and not only that
I'm gettin' a new brain!
So, great things are happening at work
and in your personal life.
Wait. What do you mean you're getting a new brain?
Well-well, they're killing off
one of the characters on the show, and when she dies
her brain is being transplanted into my body.
[chuckles] What?
A brain transplant?
It's ridiculous!
Well, I think it's ridiculous
that you haven't had sex
in three and a half months.
It's winter. There are fewer people on the street.
Who are they killing off?
Uh, Cecilia Monroe.
She plays Jessica Lockhart.
- No.. - No..
She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces.
I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
And the way she slaps people all the time.
Wouldn't you love to do that just once?
Don't do it.
And she's been on the show forever.
It's gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Yeah, yeah. Help me out here.
When you...when you come out of the brain transplant
you are going to be her?
Yes, but in Drake Ramoray's body.
[mumbling]
Why is it so hard for you to get it?
I thought you were a scientist.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Rach, so, that guy there..
...straight or gay?
Oh. Oh, yeah, he's too cute to be straight.
Ooh, knockers will help us figure it out.
Oh.
Alright, straight..
...and not subtle.
- Ooh, he left his cell phone. - Oh.
Well, we could hand it to Gunther
and he'll put it in lost and found.
Or we could use it to call China
see how those guys are doing.
What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone
to-to find out who found it
and I answer, and we start talking
and we fell in love?
I mean, wouldn't that be a great story?
Kinda like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Yeah. That does sound great.
- I'm gonna get the phone. - What? Wait!
Wh-why? Why do you get the story?
I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
That wasn't a date.
That was, that was just friends getting together...having sex.
Okay. Great. See, I get the phone.
No way. No way.
You just broke up with Tag a week ago.
Yeah, and until now..
...I didn't think I would love again.
- Nice try. - Hey, wait, wait.
How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
I don't know.
Well, um..
Maybe we could, uh..
Ah-ha! Too slow!
[laughing]
Ah-ha!
Too cocky.
[instrumental music]
I'm going to keep dating him, mother
and there's nothing you can do about it.
Oh, yes, there is.
What are you going to do? Kill him?
Like you did Charles?
Oh, my baby!
(female #1) 'Cut.'
[crowd applauding]
That was a great scene.
An-and that slap looked so real.
How do you do that?
Oh, just years of experience.
[crying] Can I get some ice here?
Well, anyway, I just wanted to say
how wonderful I think you are.
You're not the fan who's dying, are you?
No, no. Uh-uh, I'm-I'm Joey Tribbiani.
We-we did a scene together yesterday.
I'm the guy in the coma.
Oh, that was a real person?
A-a-anyway, I-I just wanted to say
that since I'm getting your brain
when you leave the show
I was wondering if there's any tips--
Wait. I-I'm leaving the show?
I don't know. Why? Did you hear something.
Who told you that?
Uh, uh... one of the writers.
Which writer? Was it bald or was it tall?
- Uh, you know, uh-- - You know what?
It doesn't matter, because it is not true.
Okay.
And if it were true
how dare you come to me
and ask me for tips about a character
that I've been playing for 20 years.
I'll give you a tip.
Miss Monroe..
Tha.. Oh, there you go.
[instrumental music]
Okay, look, I have an idea.
Why don't we, why don't we see
what kind of numbers he has on his speed dial?
And then from that, we can tell who has more
in common with him, and then, whoever does, gets the phone.
- Fine. Alright. - Alright.
First name on the speed dial is "mom."
Oh. I lost my mom to suicide.
Okay, no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy
and the last blueberry muffin.
- Did I use that already today? - Yes.
- I'm sorry. - Okay.
"Ben. Carlos. David..."
Oh! I win. He's got Barney's on his speed dial.
So, you don't know that it's Barney's, the store.
That could be, you know, his friend's house or a bar, or..
Who has Barney's, the store, on their speed dial?
His new girlfriend.
[bagpipe music]
What is that?
I think it's the dying cat parade.
It sounds like it's coming from across the street.
- Oh, my God. - What?
You know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?
He was hanging out with me yesterday
and he turned to me and he said
"You're half Scottish, right?"
No, there is no way.
It cannot be Ross.
Unbelievable!
Why is your family Scottish?
Why is your family Ross?
He cannot play at our wedding.
I mean, everyone will leave.
I mean, come on, that is just noise!
It's not even a song!
If you listen very carefully, I think..
...it's "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang.
[bagpipe music continues]
Well, you're absolutely right.
They are writing me out of the show.
They don't know exactly when it's going to happen
but apparently it's gonna be very soon
and then that's it.
I'm so sorry.
Look, if it was up to me
you would never leave the show.
Yeah, thanks.
No, I mean it.
I can't believe they would do this to you
and to your fans.
I mean, they're gonna be devastated, heartbroken.
They love you so much.
Oh, you're right.
Thank you.
What's your name again?
- Joey. - Joey. Well, thank you.
That is so sweet.
The-the only reason I came up to you before
was because..
Well, because I'm really nervous a-about being you.
You know, if-if you could help me capture
the essence of the character, you know?
Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Alright, Joey, I will help you
not because I-I owe it to this stupid show
but because... I owe it to Jessica.
Well, that's great. Oh, thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
Hey, now, I've been watching some tapes.
How's this?
[British accent] Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again!
Ever!
Well, but...Jessica doesn't have an English accent.
I can do an English accent?
That baby's going on my resume.
[upbeat music]
[knock on the door]
- Hi, Pheebs. - Hi.
- How are you? - 'Good.'
Uh, Pheeb, remember when we were in the coffee house
we decided that I was gonna keep the, uh
the cute guy's cell phone?
And remember how I said I was gonna keep it in my purse
so that if it rang, I could just pick it up?
- Yeah! - Right?
Um, and, then, do you remember going into my purse
and stealing the phone?
Ooh, now you lost me.
You stole the phone!
- No, I didn't! - No?
So you're saying that if I called it
it wouldn't ring?
- Nope. - Mmm. Okay.
But while you dial, let me show you the features
of my new ringing handbag.
Mmm.
[cell phone ringing]
Ooh, it does work!
Oh, Phoebe!
That is a different phone.
Oh, is it?
Uh, hello.
Yes, hi, is Rachel there?
Yes, she is. Just one moment please.
It's for me!
That is damning evidence.
[cell phone ringing]
Oh, my God!
I bet that's him.
My digital fairy tale is about to begin.
It's ri..
Would you stop doing that?
Hello.
Yes, I'm the one who found your phone.
Phoebe, you can't--
Shut up. I'm on a call.
Oh..
Um, well, yeah, I mean, you could pick it up tonight.
Say, 8:30?
At...at my apartment.
It's, um, it's, um, 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14.
Um, and then, maybe, you know, after
we could grab a bite to eat or whatever.
Okay, well, okay, I'll see you then. Bye.
You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
Oh, and how will you know what time to come over?
You just said it.
Oh.
[instrumental music]
The essence of the character
is rooted in her confidence.
So, when Jessica enters a room, for instance
she owns everything
and every person in that room.
- You try it. - Okay.
Right. Well, he's not mad at the room.
Try it again. He owns it.
He owns the room.
It is his. He owns, owns, owns the room!
He owns it!
Alright, it's a little weird, but it's getting better.
Oh, well, I'm gonna miss this woman so much.
I-I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I mean, it's been 20 years of my life.
Oh, then.. Hey, hey!
Maybe, maybe, uh, maybe this is a good thing, you know?
It'll-it'll give you a chance to shake things up
play different characters.
You're so talented.
I probably should've just left
years ago when the offers were pouring in
but, you know, I just got so comfy here and..
Oh, I turned down some amazing work.
Like-like what?
Well...let's just say if I left 15 years ago
the landscape of Mexican cinema
would be very different today.
Wow.
But.. Well, now..
Now is a different time for me.
Oh, hey, come on.
Don't, uh, don't do this.
Um, look, let-let me tell you something, okay?
Now, when I watch you do a scene
I'm thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress", huh.
But-but I'm also thinking
"She is hot!"
You think I'm hot?
You own the room.
[chuckles]
We should probably get-get, uh--
Oh, yeah, yeah. We should..
So, when Jessica..
...kisses a man..
...she usually puts, um, both her hands on the man's face.
Yeah, I noticed that. Is that 'cause she's so passionate?
No, it's because that way the camera only sees her.
You wanna try it?
Yeah. Okay.
That was good. That was really good.
But I-I think that maybe your hands
are just a little off.
They should be, maybe, like, right-right..
[upbeat music]
[instrumental music]
- Well, I feel like a snack. - Do you want some shortbread?
Yeah, it's Scottish, like you are.
Oh, no, thanks.
I don't like anything
from my Scottish heritage.
What?
Well, it's just that my entire family
was run out of Scotland by..
...Vikings.
Oh, it sounds to me like your family is ready
to, uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
You can't play bagpipes at the wedding.
How did you know about that?
We heard you play all the way from your apartment.
Were you the ones who called the cops?
That's not really important right now.
[clears throat] What is important is while we appreciate the gesture
we just don't feel that bagpipes
are appropriate for our wedding.
- Why not? - Because we hate them.
Just-just give me a chance to perform for you
and then decide whatever you want.
And I-I'm not gonna tell you what song
I'm gonna play, either.
But, uh, let's just say when it's over
I'll bet there'll be a wee bit o' celebration.
[instrumental music]
Hey! Hey!
[knock on the door]
(in unison) Who is it?
(male #1) 'Hi. It's Tom. I'm here to pick up the phone.'
Whoa, why do you get to answer the door?
Well, why shouldn't I?
'Cause it's my apartment.
Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Okay. Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
Hi.
Wow, how long were we arguing for?
[chuckles] Um...you're not the man
who left the cell phone.
No. That's my assistant.
Is-is he coming?
Uh...no.
Could you, could you, uh, give us one second?
- Sure. - We'll we be right back, sir.
Sure.
Well, what do we do?
I don't know.
Can you believe this?
We're waiting for a hot guy
and then an even hotter one shows up.
I know.
What?
Rachel, listen, if you let me have him
then I will really owe you one.
Alright.
Alright, Phoebe, I will let you have him
but you owe me, you owe me big.
So, which one of you lovely ladies
am I gonna take to dinner, huh?
Oh, that'd be me...sir.
- After you. - Okay, thank you.
Okay.
Nice.
[upbeat music]
Well, you certainly owned that room.
Actually, I rent the whole place
and I just got what you meant, thank you.
[laughing]
- Hi. - 'Hey.'
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh! Jessica Lockhart!
In my apartment!
I am such a huge fan. I am such a huge fan.
Well, it's nice to know that you--
Monica! Monica!
That, uh, that's my roommate Rachel.
Oh, that explains all the women's underwear.
Sure, yeah.
Oh, my God, it's true!
Oh, my God. Can I just ask you to do me..
Oh..
...just one favor?
Certainly.
Would you slap me, would you slap me
right here in the face?
I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
Alright, here we go.
Alright, just one more thing.
One-one more thing. Um..
You're a stupid bitch.
- I really can't slap you. - Argh!
- My God, you're great! - Thanks for stopping by.
See you.
- I-I am so sorry. - Oh, no-no-no-no.
Being adored. I'm used to it. Don't worry about it.
- Oh, my God. - What?
They sent me today's script.
They never send me the script.
- They don't? - Well, no.
I'm just in a coma. This must mean I have lines.
Oh.
How does it happen?
Ooh...you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
What? Jessica hates horses.
Yeah, well, I'm guessing after this
she's not gonna be crazy about electricity, either.
[instrumental music]
Loosening the saddle on mother's horse
was brilliant, Frederick.
And the electric fence, inspired.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I can't believe she's really gone.
Look around you. All of this is ours.
I don't think so.
Who are you?
What's the matter, Dina?
Don't you recognize your own..
...mother?
(female #1) 'Cut. That was great, everybody. Thank you.'
That was so wonderful!
Oh, I think that you're a better Jessica than I ever was.
- Oh, no. - Well, of course not.
- But you were very good. - Thanks.
And guess what? Good news, I got another job.
Great! Hey, alright!
Wha-what is it?
A film in Guadalajara.
The airport?
- No, that's LaGuardia. - Ah.
This is Mexico.
Oh. Wow.
Well, how-how long will you be gone?
Eight months.
That's a really long time.
Yeah, but you could come and visit me.
I bet that you could, uh, own a few places down there.
You know, I'll tell you I should probably buy
a place in the city first.
And I just got what you meant again. That is a..
I'll tell you that's a tricky one.
That's a tricky one.
Well..
Good luck.
You too.
[instrumental music]
[sighs] Okay, now, uh, remember I'm-I'm still learning.
[off-key bagpipe music]
One, two, three, four!
[off-key bagpipe music]
You know the song. Sing along!
♪ Ee ee-ee-ee ♪
♪ Ee ee-bee ♪♪
So?
(in unison) No!
[theme music]