[knocks on door]
[blowing noisemakers]
(together) Happy Birthday!
- Come on. - Rach, come on.
It's your birthday.
Hey.
She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Miss Green would like to establish some ground rules
before she comes out.
She would appreciate it if you didn't use the words
"old" or "downhill"
or "they still look pretty damn good."
They do!
Rachel, come on out!
Monica made breakfast.
Chocolate chip pancakes.
We've got presents.
Good ones?
They all came from the list
you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Come on, Rach.
Look, turning 30's not that big a deal.
Oh, really? Is that how you felt when you turned 30?
Why, God, why?
We had a deal. Let the others grow old, not me.
[sobbing]
Oh, come on, you guys, is it just me?
Am I overreacting to this?
No, Rach, it's not just you.
My 30th birthday certainly wasn't that much fun.
And now Chandler.
We're all getting so old.
Why are you doing this to us?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Rach, you're in a great place in your life.
I mean, come on, you have an amazing job, good friends.
Yeah. Your roommate's a soap opera star.
Your character's in a coma.
I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry at this one.
Look, you know, I know my life's going pretty well
but I look around and I just see so many people who have
accomplished so many of their goals by the time they're 30.
Yeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me.
- Come on, Phoebe! - You can do it, Phoebe!
- Come on, Phoebe, - Come on.
There you go!
[cheering]
- Whoo-hoo! - Yay!
I did it!
One mile on a hippity-hop.
Ha-ha! That's it.
That's everything I wanted to do before I was 30.
Oh! Except I wanted to patch things up with my sister.
Oh, well, but, yay!
[cheering]
And-and girls, this thing is a godsend
if you know what I mean.
Whoo!
Come on, let's have some fun, huh?
What do you wanna do today?
Nothing. I don't want to do anything.
Well, doing nothing on your 30th
is better than doing something stupid..
...like Ross.
Hey, that was a practical purchase.
I needed that car for transportation, okay?
I-I have a child.
How hot do I look in this, huh?
Ross, a sports car?
Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
That's not what this is about, okay?
I-I am a sports car enthusiast.
I've always been into cars.
Hey, what's the horsepower on this thing?
I don't know, but-but look how shiny.
I can't believe you bought this.
So can I have a ride, stud?
Uh, hop in.
Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
[engine revving]
Damn it!
Okay, who's next?
You know what?
I am gonna do something today.
I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady.
I'm gonna get something pierced.
Like my, uh, like my nose or my tongue, or something.
Really? 'Cause, you know, that hurts.
So what? You know what, the way I see it..
Ow! Son of a bitch!
'Look, Rachel'
I know what you're going through.
I'm totally freaked out about turning 25.
Get out, get out of my apartment.
Alright, Rach, for what it's worth
I think that you're doing great.
I mean, you know, let's face it.
No one handles this well.
Hmm, least of all you.
Hmm.
(Joey) Ah..
Would you put that back on?
Monica's gonna be here any minute.
But it hurts my Joey's apple.
Okay, for the last time
it's not named after each individual man.
You've done a wonderful job with this party, Chandler.
Everything looks so lovely.
Oh, well, not as lovely as you.
I mean, I can't believe
that you would have a 30-year-old daughter.
And you, I can't believe that you would have
a tux that's 30 years old.
It's older than that.
Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
Oh.
Okay, everybody hide, hide. I saw her, she's coming.
Okay, okay.
Everybody down. Everybody down!
[fumbling]
Okay, everybody stay here.
I will find out what's going on.
Hey! You got the door open!
Hey-hey, are you drunk?
No.
Okay.
Whoa!
Okay.
See..
...see, I was, I was a little nervous about turning..
...thirty.
Huh.
So, the busboys took me out for some drinks.
And I'm gonna puke on you later.
Okay, here's the thing.
We have thrown a very formal surprise party
for you in there.
All your friends are in there
and your parents.
- No! - Yes!
Oh, no, my parents have never seen me drunk.
That they know of.
Okay, here's the thing.
Uh, we're gonna get you some coffee
and they will never know that you're drunk.
- Really? You promise? - Yes. I'll take care of it.
Okay.
I really love you so much.
Okay.
We have to do something about your breath.
What about your breath?
That's still yours.
Okay, now remember it's a surprise party
so when you go in, act surprised.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Okay. Shh! - Ready?
Shh!
(together) Surprise!
[screaming]
Okay, forward, forward. Stop!
Okay, back, stop!
Okay, forwa..
Stop, stop, stop!
Okay, okay, here's what we're gonna do, okay?
I'm gonna break into this mini-van
and put it in neutral.
You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of the spot.
- Okay? - Okay.
Alright, here we go.
[alarm sounding]
Haul ass!
Happy 30th birthday.
Here.
It's for the child in you.
And the woman.
Happy 30th.
Right, why do you keep saying that?
Because it's our 30th birthday.
Yeah, no. We're not 30, we're 31.
Okay.
Wait!
Oh, it's you.
Yeah. What?
Yeah, we're not 30, we're 31.
- Nuh-uh! - Yuh-huh!
That's what it says on my birth certificate.
You have your birth certificate?
Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Our mom.
Right. Okay.
Do you have my birth certificate?
No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, we are 31.
Yeah.
I just lost a whole year of my life.
Okay.
Your middle name is Pamela?
- Yes. - Oh. I never knew mine.
Do you remember what it is?
Yes. Phoebe.
That's my first name.
Right. Okay. Then, no.
Okay, look at that, we made it all the way across the room.
You're doing great.
What's going on?
Monica's a little drunk.
Yay! I love drunk Monica.
Shh!
Oh, she's so much more fun than regular Monica.
She doesn't want her parents to know she's drunk.
Oh. Alright, alright.
Here's what we'll do.
I'll get twice as drunk as Monica
and then no one's even gonna notice her.
- What. - What's going on?
[sighs]
Monica's wasted.
Maybe that'll liven up this party.
Okay, will you just go help her get changed, please?
Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman
seems like a job for Joey.
Yep.
- This one's from me. - Ah!
It wasn't on your list, but hopefully
you'll think it's really fun.
A scooter!
Stick to the list.
Always stick to the list.
No! No, no, I love it. Thank you.
Okay, open ours next. Open ours next.
Okay.
Now that you're a couple we don't get
two presents from you guys?
For my last birthday, you gave me a hug.
Okay, read the card, read the card.
Okay.
"Happy Birthday, Grandma.
"It's better to be over the hill..
Ah!
"than buried under it.
"All our love, Monica and Chandler."
That's funny.
No, no, no, no.
That was a joke.
No, I know, I get it. It's funny.
No, because you're not a grandmother.
No, I know, because to be a grandmother
you have to be married and have children
and I don't have any of those things.
That's why it's so funny.
I'm just gonna go..
All you had to do was buy the card.
Okay, you know what?
I realized it was stupid to get upset
about not having a husband and kids.
All I really needed was a plan.
See, I wanna have three kids.
Well, let me guess
and you wanna have them all at the same time
and you want to have them for your brother.
As I was saying..
...I should probably have the first of the three kids
by the time I'm 35, right?
Which gives me fiveyears.
Oh.
So if I wanna have a kid when I'm 35
I don't have to get pregnant until I'm 34
which gives Prada four years
to start making maternity clothes.
Oh, wait, but..
now, I do want to be married for a year
before I get pregnant.
Really! That long?
Look all you want, it's happening.
Now, so I don't have to get married until I'm 33.
That's three years! That's three whole years!
Oh, wait a minute, though.
I'll need a year-and-a-half to plan the wedding..
and I'd like to know the guy
for, like, a year, year-and-a-half
before we get engaged.
Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm 30.
Which is fine, because you just turned..
...twenty-eight!
No, Ross, no! It is not fine!
Uh, according to my plan I should already be
with the guy that I'm gonna marry!
(Tag) 'Woo-hoo!'
Mmm!
Will you quit hogging it!
Oh, I'm telling you
it's like watching Bambi learn how to walk.
You're drunk.
Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.
Maybe I'm a little drunk now.
Hey...are those crab cakes?
Did I not tell you to come straight to me
when more crab cakes were ready?
How you feeling?
You are so handsome!
Mmm!
I wanna make love to you right here, right now!
Rarr!
I really wish that you wouldn't.
Now all you have to do
is just get through a little bit more, okay?
Then we can put you in bed, okay?
Just smile and don't talk to anyone.
Speech! Speech!
Let's hear from the birthday girl, huh?
Pheebs!
I told you, see, everybody's looking at me.
The plan's working.
I didn't even have to take off my top yet.
- Speech! Come on, Monica! - Speech!
(together) Speech! Speech!
Hey, Chandler, you can't keep your hands
off her for one second!
Oh, I think it's nice.
I think it's necessary.
Okay.
I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming.
My family and...my friends.
Woo...hoo!
I'd really like to say that I'm, um..
You know what I'd really like to say?
I'm drunk!
That's right, Mom and Dad
your little Harmonica is hammered!
And guess what?
I've been drunk before.
And I've smoked a cigarette.
But you know what? You know what?
It's all okay.
It's okay because I turned 30 today.
And I could do anything I want..
...because I am a grown-up.
Okay, quick, help me get this off.
Yeah!
I lost a whole year!
I can't believe it! This is so unfair!
Oh, Pheebs, it'll be okay.
Will it? Will it?
How would you feel if you found out you were 31?
That's not gonna happen. No.
Because we have a new deal.
Plus, it totally ruined my schedule.
I, I haven't done any of the things
I wanted to do by the time I was 31.
Like what?
Like, okay, I-I, I haven't met any Portuguese people.
I...I haven't had the perfect kiss
and I haven't been to sniper school.
Phoebe, you know, why don't we just go upstairs
and have some birthday cake?
No, I just feel like being by myself for a while, alright?
I'll see you guys later. Thanks.
Hey.
Oh, poor Pheebs.
Hey, you know what, you guys?
I think I'm gonna go walk her home.
- Oh, man! - What?
He's gonna eat the cake!
Pheebs! Wait up.
Listen, uh..
Close your eyes.
Maybe that's one thing you can cross off your list.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, and plus, I'm one-sixteenth Portuguese.
'Oh!'
Okay, is everybody clear?
We're gonna pick it up..
...and move it.
Now, all we need is teamwork, okay?
We're gonna lift the car..
...and slide it out.
Lift..
...and slide.
Ross, I really don't think--
Lift..
...and slide.
Okay, here we go.
(Ross) 'Alright, everyone.'
Lift..
...and slide!
- Hey, Joey. - Well, come on, Rach.
My turn just started!
Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
Oh. Okay.
Hey! Can I ride this outside?
Whatever, okay? I'm not your mother.
Okay.
- Not in the street! - Yeah.
- Hey. - Hi.
How you doing? Are you feeling any better?
Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm...um..
- Let's talk. - Okay.
- Um.. - What's up?
Uh, Tag, um..
...you're such a great guy
and we have so much fun together, but I--
Wait.
I think I see where you're going.
But before you say anything else
can I just say one more thing?
Well said.
And a good example of the fun I was referring to.
Uh, but..
...I just think I'm past the point
where I can, you know, just have fun.
Rachel, don't do this.
This is just because you're turning 30.
Yeah, it is.
But you're just a kid. I mean, you're, you're 25.
- 24, actually. - Oh, God.
You know what I wish?
I wish you were six years older.
Well, actually, if I'm wishing for stuff
I actually wish I was six years younger.
- Me, too. - Yeah. I'm sorry.
Hey. How'd it go?
Oh...if I only want two kids
can I keep him for another year?
You did the right thing.
I don't like this anymore.
Well, here we are, just a bunch of 30-year-olds.
Yeah, do you realize, in ten years, we're gonna be 40?
Why, God? Why are you doing this to us?
Yes! My baby's finally free!
Alright!
Start it up! Let's go!
[engine starts]
Hoo-hoo!
How hot are we?
[turns off engine]
You wanna buy a car?