[grunting]
- Hey. - Hi.
- What're you doing? - Well, you know.
I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Well, why would you wanna do that?
So that there would be a decent place for me to sit.
Rach, there is a decent place..
And your lap does not count.
Okay, come on, help me move this.
No, no, no.
- No? - No.
Rosita does not move.
I'm sorry. Rosita?
- As in-- - As in Rosita does not move.
Joey, it's just a chair. What's the big deal?
The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance
from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle
so you don't get any glare coming off of Stevie.
Stevie, the TV?
- Is there a problem? - No.
Oh, what does he know? Come on, Rosita.
Us chicas got to stick together!
[grunting]
[screams]
You bitch.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Hey, Ross... so I was checking out
the, uh, real estate section..
- 'Yeah?' - Look at this.
Oh, it looks like mom and dad's house.
Oh, it even has, uh, a tree with a broken limb out front.
And the, uh..
the window in the attic..
Oh, my God!
What? What happened to the window in the attic?
I can't believe mom and dad are selling the house.
I can't believe they-they didn't even tell us!
I can't believe I still don't know what happened
to the window in the attic.
Okay, come on, Joey, I'll buy you a new one, alright?
We'll go down to the store right now
and we'll get you a new chair.
She's not even cold yet.
But-but don't you think Rosita would have
wanted you to move on?
I mean, you know, she did always put your..
...comfort first.
Well, that's true.
I can't believe we have to say goodbye
to the house we grew up in.
Man, some-some stranger's gonna be living in my room.
Well, after 15 years of mom and dad
keeping it as a shrine to you
it's time the velvet ropes came down.
They kept your room for a while.
Oh, please.
Dad turned my room into a gym
20 minutes after I moved out.
I got to say, a tanning bed
and a stack of "Victoria's Secret" catalogs..
...not a gym.
Come on. You know they love you.
- As much as they love you? - I was their firstborn.
They thought she was barren. It's not my fault.
Ugh! I hate this year!
What's wrong with this year?
It's already February
and I've only given two massages
and they were both the worst tippers in the world.
That was me and Ross.
Oh, that's right.
Hey, you know, if you wanna pick up some extra cash
some friends of mine made good money in college
doing, uh, telemarketing.
Yeah, it'll probably be better
than the last telephone job I had.
You know, I probably won't have to say "Spank" as much.
What?
Oh, yeah, like you never called.
[instrumental music]
So, basically, this is very easy.
You read from the script
and you try to sell as much toner
as you possibly can.
Okay, I can do that.
Oh, by the way, I love my office.
Why don't we do a trial run?
Oh, okay.
Um, alright.
Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.
Can I speak to your supply manager, please?
I'm the supply manager.
Um. Okay, I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs.
- We don't need any toner. - Oh, okay.
Well, I'm sorry to bother you. Bye-bye.
Yeah, you're right, this is easy.
Okay, what was wrong with that call?
Oh, well, alright.
Um, no offense, but you were kinda rude.
[chuckles]
They're always gonna tell you they don't need toner
but that's okay.
Because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it..
...here in the script.
Oh.
So I think you're ready to sell toner.
Do you have any last questions?
- No. - Okay.
Oh, wait, yes, I do.
I do have one question.
What is toner?
Joey?
[door closes]
Joe?
Full bag?
Beer's still cold.
Something terrible must have happened here.
Oh, no, no, no, no..
Stevie, I was never here.
- 'Dad?' - 'I'm here.'
- Hey. - Hi.
God, it seems like just yesterday
you guys used to come out to watch me work.
Dad, we-we can't believe you're selling the house.
Well, it's time for a new family to start their memories here.
And hopefully, their check will clear
before they find the crack in the foundation
and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Let's just grab our stuff, get the hell out of here.
I'm sorry we can't store your childhood things anymore.
Well, it's okay. I can't wait to see everything again.
All the memories.
Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here
but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens
in the attic.
I used to love to play "Restaurant."
Eh, not as much as you loved to play "Uncooked Batter Eater."
Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child
to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies.
So, I think your boxes are over here.
Oh, great.
Hey, dad, who-whose cigarettes are these?
I don't know.
They, they must be your mother's.
But please, please don't ask her.
I'll throw these away.
Cool, dad! My report cards!
Hey, check this out, dad.
"Math, A, science, A
history, A, gym.."
Ooh, my rock polisher!
- Uh-oh. - What?
You know how the garage floods every spring?
How are you ever gonna sell this place?
I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes
to keep the water away from the Porsche.
Oh, no, dad.
Dad..
What the..
Oh, God..
Everything's ruined.
Dad, she's gonna be crushed.
You don't secretly smoke, do you?
No.
So it's just your mother then.
Hi. This is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.
Can I speak to your supply manager, please?
Earl. Thanks.
Hi, Earl. This is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.
I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs.
I don't need any toner.
I'm hearing what you're saying
but at our prices, everyone needs toner.
Not me.
May I ask why?
You wanna know why..
You wanna know why?
I surely do.
(Earl) Okay.
I don't need any toner..
...because I'm gonna kill myself.
Um..
Is-is that because you're out of toner?
Okay, so..
...no toner today.
Thanks, anyway. Bye-bye.
(Phoebe on phone) 'No! No! Wait! Wait!'
I can't just let you hang up.
Just, please talk to me.
Well..
I only had one thing to do today.
Guess I could push it back.
(Phoebe on phone) 'Yeah, now..'
Why do you wanna kill yourself?
I've been working for ten years now
at this meaningless, dead-end job
and nobody here even knows that I exist.
Chandler?
- I'm-I'm sorry? - 'No.'
Oh...look..
...I'm-I'm sure that people know you exist.
(Earl) Oh, yeah?
I work in a cubicle surrounded by people.
I've been talking to you for five minutes now
about killing myself..
...and no one's even looked up from their desk.
Hang on.
Hey, everybody, uh..
I'm gonna kill myself.
I got nothing.
Good chair.
Now, if anybody asks..
...your name is Rosita.
(Rachel) 'Joey, you're gonna like it.'
- 'No, I won't.' - 'How do you even know?'
(Joey) 'Because I know what I like and what I don't like'
'and it's not the same chair.'
(Rachel) 'You know, what..'
Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.
Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour.
Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here, you know?
Start the healing process?
- Yeah, I guess you're right. - Okay.
She's healed!
- That's weird. - No, it's not weird.
It's a miracle!
It's not a miracle, Joey.
I'm sure there's some explanation.
Oh, there is, if you want something enough
and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen!
Well, she'll understand, right?
It's not like I did it on purpose.
Dad, that won't matter to her.
Look, all my stuff is safe and dry
and all her stuff is-is..
...growing new stuff.
See, this is exactly the kinda thing
that makes her think you guys love me
more than you love her.
Oh, my God! Does she really think that?
- Well, can you blame her? - Well, I don't know.
I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously.
You were a medical marvel!
The doctors said your mother--
Dad, dad, I don't wanna hear about it.
- Really? - Well, not right now.
Okay, look, Monica came here for some memories
and, damn it, we're gonna give her some.
Okay, grab..
Grab some empty boxes, okay?
We'll-we'll take stuff from mine
and whatever we can pass off as hers
we'll-we'll put them in there.
Great.
Like, uh, you know, like this.
This...she-she could've made this?
- Okay, this could've been hers. - Sure.
You know, if you-if you, wanna tell the medical marvel
story while we work, that'd be fine.
Oh, I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself.
Yeah, me too.
Wow, you know, that this thing has speakers
in the headrest?
- No. Really? - Yeah!
You can hook it up to your TV, and you get radio.
[soft rock music]
My chair heals itself.
Alright, so, Earl, let's just forget
about the people at the office, okay?
There-there's gotta be someone else in your life
that's worth sticking around for.
What about...what about your family or friends
or maybe a girlfriend?
[laughing] Yeah. Right.
Oh, sorry. Boyfriend?
Okay, I should..
...I should probably be getting back to my thing now.
- See you. - 'No.'
I'm not finished yet! Don't you dare hang up on me!
The new girl's good.
Okay, so, which boxes are mine?
Oh, these-these are yours right here.
Okay.
- Oh! A coloring book! - 'Yeah, yeah.'
Oh, you loved that thing. You always had it with you.
You never went anywhere without-without
that coloring book.
Really? Wow.
Looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.
Nuh-uh!
Wow, look at this!
I can't believe I even fit into this shirt.
[chuckles]
Oh, um, this is yours.
[chuckles] I don't know how that got in there.
Hey, this-this isn't my stuff.
[scoffs] Ross, these are your boxes!
Where are my boxes?
Well, the garage flooded, sweetie
and it ruined everything in your boxes.
'I'm sorry.'
- Just mine? - I'm afraid so.
So, why-why wasn't Ross's stuff ruined?
I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
So wait, Ross's stuff is fine, but I have no memories
because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches
of your car away from water?
There was also leaves and gook and stuff.
I can't believe this!
Screw it. I'm having one.
- Hey, Chandler. - Hey.
How would you like to sit in a chair
that fully reclines, has a rolling massage
and speakers in the headrest?
Yeah, I'd love to, but I've tried that so many times
they won't even let me in the store anymore.
Well, what if I told you
that you could do it in my apartment?
Are you telling me that you bought the chair
that is making all other lounge systems obsolete
the chair that "Sit Magazine" called, "Chair Of The Year?"
I just purchased
the La-Z-Boy Ecliner 3000.
Oh, that's awesome. That's great. What made you do it?
Well, it's a long story, but, um, I broke Joey's chair.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You broke Joey's chair? - Yeah.
I thought I broke Joey's chair.
That's why I replaced it with mine.
Oh..
...that's how it got fixed.
Well, what did you think that-that
elves came in and fixed it?
[laughing] No.
Angels.
- I'm getting my chair back. - What...hey.
Argh! Looks like it wasn't healed after all.
Yeah.
So..
I guess this chair's mine now!
[clears throat]
[sighs]
- Joey, you broke my chair! - Your chair?
Yeah, he thought he broke your chair
so he switched the chairs.
So, there was no miracle?
No, Joe, no miracle.
Oh, no, this is devastating!
My faith is shaken.
I'm so glad I have the new chair to get me
through this difficult time of my life.
Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find Earl?
He's the supply manager here.
Sorry, I don't know any Earl.
I'm right here!
Earl..
- I'm Phoebe. - Phoebe?
The lady who sells toner?
Um, look, you-you can't kill yourself.
Look, um, I really appreciate you coming down--
No-no, I can't, I can't let you do it.
Why?
Because it was fate that made me call you today.
I thought it was toner.
No. Think about it, okay?
This isn't even my regular job, okay?
And my first day on the job, you're my first call
and-and somebody else might've hung up on you
but I wouldn't do that, because I know about this stuff.
- My mom killed herself. - Really?
- Yes. - How?
I'm not gonna give you tips!
Look, don't you see that, this-this this all came together
so that I could stop you from doing this?
Couldn't it just be a coincidence?
No, it's fate.
That doesn't really seem like enough to be fate.
Oh, well...um, okay, here's a weird thing.
My mother was also a supply manager.
I'm actually the office manager.
Oh, my God, so was she!
And, get this, okay?
Your, your name is Earl, right?
Her name was Pearl, Puh-Earl.
- W-was there anything else? - Sure.
Um...where you from?
- Philadelphia. - Oh, my God!
So was she!
Oh, I've got-I've got, goose, I've got goose bumps.
[chuckling] Really?
Well, you know, I'm wearing layers.
- And it's warm. - Yeah, yeah.
But it.. Look, okay
these jerks might not care about you
but the universe does, and that says a lot.
Did you hear that?
I don't need you guys to care about me
because the universe cares!
The whole universe!
[laughing]
I really wish they'd care just a little bit, though.
Oh, this is terrible.
Everything is destroyed.
Look at this.
It obviously meant enough for me to save it
and I don't even know what it is.
Oh...it's still soft.
What do you think this is?
Mon, I-I think it was a mouse.
[screams]
Oh! Oh, my God!
How are you, honey?
(Monica) 'How do you think I am?'
You've wrecked all my childhood memories..
...you love Ross more than me..
and I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face.
Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross.
Now, I'm sorry about everything that happened
and I'll probably never be able to make it up to you
but... here's a start.
- What's this? - It's the key to my Porsche.
Well...the key to your Porsche.
- What? - What?
I've been thinking of getting rid of it
and I was driving it the other day
and I saw my reflection in a store window.
Your mother's right, I do look like an ass.
You're giving me your Porsche?
You're kidding me, right?
Wa-wa-wait-wait-wait, wait a minute.
[laughing]
I mean, a couple of stupid boxes get wet
and she gets a Porsche?
Why don't we take it for a spin?
- Alright! - What-what about me?
I'm a medical marvel!
[instrumental music]
Oh, yeah.
- Aah! - Aah!
- Hey, guys. - 'Hey!'
Do you know what happened to Chandler's Barcalounger?
Oh, yeah, Joey broke it. He had to get rid of it.
Are you kidding?
I get a Porsche and the Barcalounger's gone?
[chuckles] This is the best day ever!
[theme music]