Bye-bye.
I just got us reservations at Michel's
and tickets to "The Music Man" to celebrate
our first holiday season as a be-troth-ed couple.
- Betrothed. - Betrothed couple.
- Hey. - 'Hi.'
Ah-h.
Ah-h-h.
- Pheebs? - Huh?
Skull?
Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Oh, my God!
No, no, no, it's not, it's not my mom.
It belonged to my mom.
Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas
to remind us that even though it's Christmas
people still die.
And you can put candy in it.
[giggling]
- Hey. - Hey.
Licorice?
Sure.
Hey, I just found out I get Ben for the holidays this year.
- Oh. - That's great.
Are you going to dress up as Santa?
Hm-m, nope.
I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think
I want to take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
And maybe I could teach Ben about
the Christmas skull and how people die.
You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
Hmm.
Hey.
Did you know he was in there?
No.
How long have we been home?
About a half an hour.
Lovely.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
When we get married, are you gonna, uh..
...change your last name to Bing?
Nope.
Why not?
Bing's weird.
- Oh, hey, you guys. - Hi.
Hey, can I have one to go?
Guess what?
My landlord just called
and my apartment's going to be ready soon
so I guess I'll be moving out.
Aw, Phoebe, I'm going to miss you.
Yes, you will be very sad.
Alright, well, I got to go tell Rachel the good news.
Oh, you guys going to be living together again?
Yeah, why not?
Well, she's just having so much fun with Joey
I just assumed she'd still be living with him.
Why do you think she's having so much fun living with Joey?
No reason except, she...told me.
Really, so she said she didn't want to live with me anymore?
No, no, she didn't say that.
I-I think you should talk to Monica now.
Phoebe, don't worry about it.
I'm sure she wants to live with you.
You're sure? You're absolutely sure?
Well, no, but I bet, she probably does.
Oh, probably?
Yeah, I don't like that word.
Look, I know what probably really means.
Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.
Oh, your mom probably won't kill herself, you know?
Oh, you know, I'm sorry
but I'm not hanging all my hopes
of Rachel and I living together on-on probably, you know?
You got to take care of yourself in this world, you know?
History teaches us nothing.
Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?
- Hey. - Hey, great, you're home.
Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas?
[cymbal crash]
- Drums? - No, drums!
Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please?
[laughing]
I'm sorry, but not that sorry
because you don't have to live with it.
Uh, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
Oh, okay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.
Forty five minutes?
We have tickets to "The Music Man" at 8:00.
I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
Is this because of the burrito thing?
You need to give him money.
Give him money? It was a joke.
No, to get a table.
Places like this are always shaking you down.
Everybody wants a payoff.
Alright, calm down, O'Malley.
I'll slip him some money.
Alright, but you've got to be smooth about it.
Hey, I can be smooth.
Listen, we're in a little bit of a hurry, so if you could
get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it.
- Of course, sir. - Okay.
How'd it go?
Had the money in the wrong hand.
Woo..
[laughing]
Hey, ugh, you don't feel
like you're going to throw up, do you?
- No. - Well, I do, so let's..
So, Ben, you, uh..
...you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
Christmas.
Yeah, and you know what
other holiday is coming up?
Christmas Eve.
Yes, but also..
Hanukkah.
See, you're part Jewish
and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Santa has reindeers that can fly.
Right, uh, but on Hanukkah..
Hanukkah is the celebration of a miracle.
See, years and years ago
there were these people called the Maccabees.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells.. ♪♪
Okay. Th-That's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, we sing, uh..
♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay ♪♪
♪ Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.. ♪♪
Okay, it's not a contest.
When is Santa coming?
Well, how about this year, instead of Santa
we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?
No Santa?
Was I bad?
No. Oh, no, no.
Hey, you weren't bad.
You've been very good, Ben.
Santa's mad at me.
Hey, hey. Come on.
Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay?
Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy.
So Santa's coming?
Yes.
Santa's coming.
It's easy. Just keep it casual.
Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money.
How do you know so much about this?
I don't know.
Richard used to do it, didn't he?
We'd be eating our soup right now.
Moustache bastard.
Okay, those people just left.
Come on. Quick, give him the money.
We'll get their table.
Excuse me.
We're in a bit of a hurry, uh, can we..
Ah-h, ha-ha-ha.
[off-tone drumbeats]
Ha!
So you like the drums.
- That's, that's great. - 'Oh-h.'
You know, I was worried that you know, they would create
maybe an unbearable living situation
but...okay, well, apparently not, so, yay!
Hey, hey, Phoebs, check it out.
We already learned a song. Ready?
One, two, three, four.
(in unison) Tequila!
That's fun.
Here you go.
Thank you, Gunther. Put her there.
[coins clanking]
Definitely not easier with coins.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Phoebs. Here. - Hey.
- Now I only owe you $49.50. - Thanks.
- Hey, Phoebs. - Hey.
If you want to get Joey a Christmas present
that disrupts the entire building
why not get him something a little bit more subtle
like a wrecking ball or a vial of small pox
to release in the hallway?
It's, it's not just the drum noise.
I mean, every five minutes
Joey throws his sticks in the air
and I have to hear, "Oh, my eye! Oh, God, my eye!"
I mean, it is so annoying.
Yes, thank you.
You see, this is how normal people
are supposed to react to drums.
Wait a minute, Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel
so she wouldn't want to live there anymore?
Maybe on some level.
Joey, you know that you could just not
throw the sticks up in the air.
What is rock 'n roll about that?
Hey, Joey.
I got you another present.
'Oh, wait, before you tell me what it is.'
[drum roll]
[cymbals crash]
Okay, what is it?
It's a...tarantula!
Oh.
God.
Rachel, well, I'm sorry.
What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider
in such a poorly constructed cage?
What are you talking about?
I love them.
I had a tarantula when I was a kid
but it died because my cat ate it
and then, then my cat died.
But, Joey, isn't this cool?
Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me.
I got, I got..
Oh, isn't that adorable?
Joey is afraid of the tarantula.
'Oh, God.'
He's so adorable.
God, he's just so much fun. Joey's the best.
I'm glad you're having so much fun here.
Whoa, wait, wait a minute.
What, Phoebe, what's the matter?
Our apartment is ready.
And that makes you angry because?
Because you would rather live here with Joey.
Where did you get that?
Monica and Chandler said that
you were having so much fun here
and apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas
is going to change that.
- Phoebe? - Hm?
Did you get all this stuff for Joey
to try and drive me out of the apartment?
Honey, if you wanted to do that
you might as well just have gotten him a fish.
You know how fish freak me out.
Ah...fish.
But it wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe.
You and I are-are going to live together.
We're roommates, that's the deal.
Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me
but, okay, if you're having so much fun over here..
Oh, it's so much more fun with you.
- We did have fun, didn't we? - We did.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, they say
if we want, we could see it tonight.
Oh, I would love to.
- Yay, okay. - Oh, good, great.
- Alright, good. - Okay.
Oh, and Monica asked me to make the drumming stop.
Um..
Hmm..
Done.
- Hey. - Hello, sir.
You here to return those pants?
No, these are my pants.
Oh.
Okay.
How can I help you?
Well, um, do you have a Santa outfit left?
Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
Okay, look, do you have anything, uh, Christmas-y?
I promised my son and I-I really don't want to disappoint him.
Um, come on, you got to have something.
I'm the Holiday Armadillo!
I'm a friend of Santa's
and he sent me here to wish you a merry Christmas.
What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Santa was unavailable, so close to Christmas.
Oh, well, come in, have a seat.
You must be exhausted coming all the way from..
...Texas.
- Texas? - That's right, Ben.
I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states
and...Mexico!
But Santa sent me here
to give you these presents, Ben.
Maybe the lady will help me with these presents.
Wow, thanks.
You're welcome, Ben.
Merry Christmas.
Ooh, and Happy Hanukkah.
Are you for Hanukkah, too?
Because I'm part Jewish.
[gasping] You are? Me, too!
Because armadillos also wandered in the desert?
You want to wander in the hall?
Ooh, Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo
told you all about the Festival of Lights?
Cool!
- Yeah. - Come on, Ben.
Years and years ago
there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
Santa!
Hey!
What are you doing here, Santa?
Well, I'm here to see my old buddy, Ben.
What are you doing here
weird...turtle man?
I'm the Holiday Armadillo
your part Jewish friend.
You sent me here
to give Ben some presents, remember?
What?
Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
You bet I did, Ben.
Put her there.
Well, it would've worked this time
if his hands weren't so damned small.
Ho, ho, ho!
Okay, Ben, why don't you open more presents
and Santa, the Armadillo and I
will have a little talk in the kitchen.
There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
What are you doing?
You called everyone and said
you were having trouble finding a Santa costume
so I borrowed one from a guy at work.
Thank you, but-but y-you got to leave.
Why?
Because I'm finally
getting him excited about Hanukkah.
I mean you-you're wrecking it.
But I didn't get to shake my belly
like a bowlful of jelly.
I'm sorry, Chandler, but this
this is really important to me.
Okay, fine. I'll, I'll give the suit back.
Hey.
You think you can keep it another night?
Santa? Really?
Yeah, is that okay?
Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?
- No. - Then it's okay!
Okay, Ben, Santa has to go.
Say goodbye.
No, why does he have to go?
Hm-m, because if Santa and the Holiday...Armadillo
are ever in the same room for too long
the universe will implode.
Merry Christmas!
No, why can't the Armadillo leave?
I want Santa.
Fine, I-I give up.
Santa, Santa can stay.
Well, I'll stay
but only because I want to hear about Hanukkah.
Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Okay, Santa.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
'Alright.'
It's time for the story of Hanukkah.
Years and years ago
there were these people called the Maccabees.
Merry Christmas!
Oh, wow.
Look at this place.
Oh, this is terrible.
Oh, they've made so many changes
I can't even feel my grandmother's presence anymore.
Ooh, new sconces.
- Oh, my God! - What?
Okay, remember, uh, remember how you told me
that your grandmother put up that wall
to make that into two bedrooms?
Yeah?
And remember how you always said you were afraid that
the landlord would find out and tear it down?
Yeah?
Do you really not know where I'm going with this?
It left. It's one huge room.
Oh, no.
[Phoebe gasping]
Wow!
You see?
Well, I guess we'll just have to put the wall back up.
You can't, because of the new skylight.
There's a skylight?
'Wow!'
Oh, so what should we do?
Should we start looking for a new place?
You know, I-m-I'm sensing that, um, my grandmother
would not be comfortable with that.
Oh, yeah?
Starting to feel her again there, are we?
- A little bit, yeah. - Yeah.
Phoebs, is your grandmother maybe saying
that you should live here alone?
You heard it, too? You have the gift.
Phoebe, it's okay.
I like living with Joey.
- Are you sure? - Oh, please.
I hate packing, it's closer to work
and we do have fun.
Although, I'm really going to miss living with you.
- Oh, me, too. - I know.
Oh, oh, wait, did you hear that? Listen..
Huh? I'm getting something from your grandmother.
She said that since you get to keep the one-bedroom apartment
you should give Rachel the purple chair?
No, I do not hear that.
And the miracle was that that little bit of oil
that should have lasted just one day
burned for..
- Eight whole days. - That's right.
And that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today.
The end.
- Awesome. - Yeah.
My favorite part was when Superman
flew all the Jews out of Egypt.
The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part.
Okay, Ben it's time to light the Hanukkah candles!
Oh, ho, ho.
- Hey...wow. - Oh.
Looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.
Come on, come on, we're, we're lighting the candles.
- Oh, oh. - Oh.
[Fiddler On The Roof playing "Tradition"]
I understand why Superman is here
but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral?
♪ Tradition ♪
♪ Tradition ♪♪
(Joey) 'Did you get it?'
I got it.
'Back in the cage?'
It's back in the cage.
'Is the cage closed?'
Joey, will you just come out here
and stop being such a baby!