[knock on door]
- Hey. - Hi! My name's Chandler.
I just moved in next door.
And I was wondering if you'd be interested in battling me
in a post-apocalyptic world for control
of the galaxy's last remaining energy source?
Sure, neighbor. Come on in.
So, is Janine around?
Uh, no, she's at dance class.
Can I check out what she did with my room?
Yeah, but, hey, don't go through her stuff.
She gets really mad.
Oh, my God.
What is.. It's like a guy never lived in here.
Look, you got to be careful.
This girl thing is dangerous.
It's spreading already.
- It is? - Yeah.
Is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?
No.
Is that your tiny little box
that's too small to put anything in?
- No. - No!
Okay, this is not good.
You are a guy, okay?
This is a guy's place.
If you let this go, you're gonna be sitting around
with your fingers soaking in stuff.
Alright, alright, you're right. I'll-I'll-I'll talk to her.
- Yes, talk to her. Be a man. - Yeah. I'm a man.
- Defend yourself. - Hmm.
Chandler, come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
Be right there, sweetums.
A totally different situation.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, guys.
Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?
It was okay. She's still kind of depressed.
Because she broke up with her boyfriend.
Well, is this Hillary
your hot Assistant Chef Hillary?
The one that always stares at me when I come in?
No, the one who looked at you once
because you got in her way.
Still, I could tell she was into me.
Well, why don't you set us up?
Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone?
Does she have a wedding dress?
- Hey. - Hey.
- Rachel? - Yeah?
Listen, I'm, um, making up flyers
trying to get new massage clients.
So, can I come to Bloomingdale's and use the copy machine?
Well, sure, but they might think it's kind of weird
considering I don't work there anymore.
Oh, my God! What happened?
I, I got a job at Ralph Lauren.
Well, that's great! Congratulations!
Wow!
[chuckles] A year ago.
You've lasted a whole year. Good for you.
Oh!
[chuckles]
But, Pheebs, you, you could still use
the copy machine where I actually work.
But, just come by at lunch so that my boss doesn't see you.
'Cause Kim will just freak out
and she already doesn't like me very much.
Oh, it's weird, I don't think my boss likes me, either.
No, I don't think mine likes me, either.
Maybe it's a universal thing.
Yeah, or maybe...it's because you're all
hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.
- Yeah, let's head off to work. - We should go.
[instrumental music]
- Thank you. - Sure.
Now, you will not believe this.
But I was in the copy room, making copies
and Ralph Lauren came in.
Oh, my God! Did you talk to him?
Yeah, a little. He seems really nice.
- Good kisser. - What?
What?
- You kissed him? - Totally.
[Rachel gasps]
Phoebe, are you serious?
Yeah. I was just in there.
He came in, he introduced himself
and then next thing I know we're making out, you know.
Phoebe, I mean, you do know he's married?
- No. - Phoebe.
What am I supposed to do
ask every guy I make out with if he's married?
No, yeah, I should, I should.
- Hey, Joey. - 'Hey.'
Uh, can I talk to you for a second?
This, uh, kid in this picture.
Do you, uh, you know this kid?
Is that like a relative or somethin'?
No, I just thought it was cute.
Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.
Okay, uh..
Look, Janine, I-I really want you to feel at home here but..
Some of this new stuff, it's just, it's too girlie.
Oh. Like what?
Uh, like this.
Pictures of cute babies we don't know.
We-we can't have that.
Joey, it's Anne Geddes.
She's a famous artist.
Look, I don't know this baby.
I don't know if she's a famous artist or not.
You know, and...I don't wanna be a jerk.
But you're-you're changing too much around here.
Well, I'm sorry, I just thought
I'd try and make the place a little nicer.
Yeah, but it's-it's too much stuff.
You know, like you got the candles
and the-the Foofy Schmoofer thing here
and, then, over here
you got a picture of a watering can.
Well, I just thought--
I'm sure it's a famous watering can, okay.
But, come on.
And what is with the really hot stick
in the bathroom?
It's a curling iron.
Oh!
Oh, well, well, that's okay, then.
Alright, but, okay, my towels for instance, okay.
I come into the bathroom here.
And my towel is not on the floor where I keep it.
It's up here, on some hook.
- And...smells different. - It's clean.
Yeah, well, it-it-it feels different.
It's dry.
Alright, I can make my peace with the clean, dry towels.
And, okay, also what is with these chips you bought?
No, no, no. It's potpourri.
You're supposed to smell it.
Well, that's like summer in a bowl.
[instrumental music]
Oh!
Kim, hi!
Uh-huh.
[clears throat]
So, you know, I-I..
I handed in that marketing report
and I, and I never got to hear what you thought.
- I didn't read it. - Ah.
[sighs] So, wow, the spring line
it's really gonna be great this year, huh?
Yeah.
[sighs] So, I hear, uh, Ralph Lauren
fooled around with someone in the copy room.
Tell me everything.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
What's up?
You know..
Oh, my God.
What happened to your teeth?
I whitened them.
Really?
Yeah. Wh-what do you think?
Well, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
Come on, seriously.
Ross, they're really, really, really white.
Yeah, what was wrong with your old..
...human teeth?
Oh, I, I did leave the gel on
a little longer than it said to.
- How much longer? - A-a-a day.
Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
I know. Well, that's why I did it.
Come on, are they really that bad?
No. No, no, no, you'll, you'll be fine.
Hillary's blind, right?
- She will be after tonight. - Yeah.
Oh, hey, hey, Rache, uh.
- Do you notice anything. - Yeah, your teeth?
Yes, I saw them from outside.
You guys, are never gonna believe this.
But, Phoebe..
...made out..
...with Ralph Lauren.
- What? - Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know, she ran into him at my office
and they just...made out.
And the craziest thing is now my boss likes me
because I told her about it and she said it was
the best gossip she'd heard all year.
I am proud of all my friends today.
My God, Rachel, I can't believe Phoebe made out
with Ralph Lauren.
Oh, I'm so jealous.
Hi, I'm Chandler, your live-in boyfriend.
Chandler, please, come on.
Look at him.
Oh, I am no woman, but that is one tasty dish.
Hey.
Here. Ooh, who's the silver fox?
[chuckles] That, that is your make-out buddy.
Don't you recognize him?
Oh, wait. Ooh, Phoebe, I love you.
Kiss me, please.
That's not Ralph Lauren.
[chuckles] Sounds like him, though.
- What? - Yeah, no, Ralph's.
Doesn't look anything like that guy.
He's, he's young
and he's got long hair
and a beard and a hacky sack.
Oh, my God, Phoebe, that's not Ralph Lauren.
That's Kenny the copy guy.
- What? - Oh, God!
And I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren.
If she finds out that I lied to her
she is gonna hate me even more. Phoebe!
Why would the copy guy say that he's Ralph Lauren?
To get you to make out with him.
Oh.
[instrumental music]
Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white.
Nope. Nope.
Okay, so, uh, colors that don't work are
blue, yellow, green, red
black, white, orange and purple.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
The date starts in, like, an hour.
Hey, ross, maybe if your skin was lighter
your teeth wouldn't look so bright.
Oh, great. So, I all need to do is get some new skin.
Thank you.
I'm just saying if we put
just a little bit of make-up on you--
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
We're not 13 anymore.
Ross, this is the only thing left
that has a shot at working.
But, won't she notice I have make-up on?
Please, half the guys out there have make-up on.
What?
Alright, half the people. I mean..
Will you just try it and see?
No, I am not putting on make-up.
[knock on door]
Hello? Oh, good.
Ross, could you put up some of these
flyers for me?
No! Demon, Demon!
[instrumental music]
Now, our drawers will smell nice
and we didn't waste these pantyhose.
Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear.
You know what? I'm gonna, I'm gonna go over to Joey's.
Wait, we're supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.
Yes, but I feel like I really gotten in touch
with my feminine side enough today, you know.
In fact, I think, we're two sachets away
from becoming a lesbian couple.
You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day.
- You're right. I'm sorry. - No, no. It's okay.
I just feel like I need to be in a guy place, you know.
Do kind of like a man thing.
Yeah. Go over to Joey's.
Go over to Joey's and, and drink some beer
and hammer up some dry wall.
You know when guys hang out, they don't just drink beer
and hammer up dry wall.
When girls hang out
we don't have pillow fights in our underwear.
I'm sorry. We do. We do.
I don't know why I said that.
Hey, Chandler.
Come on in. We're knitting potholders.
No, thanks, Josephine.
Hey, Ross, I was wondering if..
Oh, my God! Where are all the men?
Oh, hi, Kim.
- Hi, Rachel. - 'Yeah.'
Um, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday?
Well, it-it didn't happen.
You didn't cancel the fabric order from Taiwan?
Okay, two things didn't happen.
But remember I told you that someone made out
with Ralph Lauren in the copy room?
Well, it turns out that's not true.
- That's not true? - No.
Oh, that's interesting. Because I checked.
And only one keycard was used to access
the copy machine yesterday during lunch
and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
No, no. No, no, no. Oh, God, you think I made out with him?
Listen to me.
If you think sleeping with Ralph
is gonna get you my job, you are sadly mistaken.
Oh, no, no, I don't, I don't want your job. I don't.
Oh, this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him.
Nobody made out with him.
I didn't use my keycard yesterday.
I don't even know how to use my keycard.
- Hi, Ralph. - Hi, Kim.
[elevator bell dings]
[sighs]
Yeah. Nothing happened.
You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.
And after that, what could I do except become a chef?
Mm-hm.
And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.
Hmm.
You know, you're a really great listener.
Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.
[groans]
After a while, it's just like, shut your mouth, you know?
I've probably been talking too much.
Why don't we talk about you a little bit?
[mumbling]
Come on, I wanna know.
[chuckles]
Okay. I, um, I'm from Long Island.
I-I came to the city for college.
Uh...I have a 5-year-old son
and I, in my spare time, I-I like to read spy novels.
But-but let's talk more about you. Hmm?
So, what you really need is
if you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan
your arrangement will look fresh much longer.
My, God. Joey, that is such a great tip!
Monica, could you excuse us for a second?
I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.
Okay, oh, Joey, come over later 'cause I'm gonna teach you
how to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone
and some peanut butter.
Oh. I love birds.
What is the matter with you?
- What? - You're arranging flowers!
You got, you got dead flowers!
You've got a picture of a baby dressed like flowers!
- This is not Joey! - Hey, hey, look.
I am still Joey, okay?
Flowers, they're just, you know, they're nice to look at.
And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist
of a famous baby.
You're turning into a woman.
No, I'm not.
Why would you say that? That's just mean.
Now I've upset you? What did I say?
It's not what you said. It's just the way you said it.
Oh, my God!
I'm a woman!
So now she thinks that I made out with him
and that I did it to get her job.
But why didn't you just tell the truth?
I did but she doesn't think anyone would be stupid enough
to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.
Hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company?
You know? What if, what if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy
to be the pretty front man, huh?
Did she ever think of that?
You were with Kenny today, weren't you?
- Just for a second. - Oh.
Phoebe, what am I gonna do?
Well...the only thing you can do.
Sleep with Ralph Lauren.
I-I'm not gonna sleep with Ralph Lauren .
I mean, I could, but I wouldn't.
Oh, sleep with Kenny.
- That wouldn't help me. - Oh, yes, it would.
I've had a really good time tonight.
You know, I rarely connect with someone this much
on the first date.
[chuckles]
Me neither.
I've had a really good time too, you know.
Are you gonna eat that bread?
Oh, I-I-I just like the smell.
Hmm.
[chuckles] You make me laugh.
Would you like to move over to the couch?
Mm-hmm.
Maybe I'll just turn down the lights a little?
How about all the way?
Okay.
Wow, cool poster.
Or should I say, groovy poster?
(Ross) So, uh..
...where were we?
Are those your teeth?
Oh..
You-you can see them, huh?
Yes. They're insanely white.
Yeah, I..
...I did that for you.
- What's the matter with you? - What's the matter with me?
You've got a black light. It's 1999!
- Oh, good. Kim, hi. - Hi, Rachel.
Oh, I've been meaning to ask you
have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets?
What am I thinking? Of course you have.
Okay. Okay, look.
I'm sorry that I lied to you before.
You were right.
Ralph and I were an item, but we're not anymore.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he dumped me.
He said, "Rachel, I can't do this.
"Even though you're a very, very..
"...very beautiful woman.
"I can't do this. I'm married and I'm sorry."
And then I don't know why but he said
"And you will never get promoted
"especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog
"in the Ralph Lauren machine."
You expect me to believe..
- Hi, Ralph. - Hi, Kim.
Oh, my God.
He gave you the coldest look I have ever seen.
It's like he hates you!
Then it is true!
Of course it's true.
And it hurts so bad.
Oh, honey, come here.
Oh, it'll be okay.
We've all been there.
Rea..
Y-you and Ralph?
Kenny the copy boy.
- Hey. - Hey. Uh..
- I need to talk to you. - What's the matter? You upset?
I'm sorry, but we gotta get rid of all this
girlie stuff in here.
I, uh, I gotta be a man!
Okay? The living room has to remain a guy place, okay?
That's just the way it has to be.
If that's what you want, I'll just put it all in my room.
Good. Great. Oh, great.
And, uh, thanks for, uh, being so understanding.
I didn't want to make a big deal out of this, you know.
But you could put the picture of the famous baby in my room.
I mean, if you want to.
Okay.
And, uh, and maybe the watering can there.
Sure.
And a couple of these little tiny boxes.
Joey, do you want me to put it all in your room?
Okay.
[theme music]