Monica, which of all of this kitchen stuff is mine?
This bottle opener.
- And? - And it's a magnet.
Look at that.
How weird is that?
You know, you're moving in with me
and-and you have the one thing I don't have.
Huh? It's like, uh...in a way you, you complete me.
You know?
- Kitchen. - What?
You complete me kitchen, matey.
Ross, I know what you're thinking.
What?
Uh, that she's gonna move in with you
and then maybe she'll fall in love with you
and then, when she finds out you're already married
oh, she'll just be happy, you know?
You're just...you're very sad.
Oh...my...God.
I...I see what this is.
You are in love with Rachel.
- What? - Of course. It all adds up.
I mean, you're obsessed with her.
It's always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?
"Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?
When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?"
You want her.
No!
[phone ringing] Uh-oh, saved by the bell.
Hello?
Hey, Rach
aren't these candlesticks mine?
No, no, I bought those.
- Oh, right. I forgot. - Yeah.
[whispering] That you're a liar.
No, no. That's great.
I'll be there Monday.
And thank you again. Okay.
Um, that was the head of the paleontology department
at N...uh, Y...uh, U.
Wow...uh, what... did he...uh, say?
Well, remember that paper I had published
last year on sediment flow rate, huh?
- They loved it. - Well, who wouldn't?
I know.
Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer.
I mean, it's temporary, but, if they like me
it could lead to a full-time job.
How great would that look on the mailbox, huh?
Professor Geller.
Yeah, Professor and Mrs.
And Mrs.?
Uh...yeah, you know, you and Ross are still married.
What?
Just kidding.
Oh, God!
- Can you imagine? - No!
Saved your ass.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
- Hi. - Hi.
Hey, what's the matter?
Well...you know that psychic I see?
Yeah.
Well, she told me that I'm going to die this week
so I'm kind of bummed about that.
- What? - Yeah.
And I know you guys don't know a lot about psychic readings
but that one is pretty much the worst one you can get.
Phoebe, that's crazy.
I can't believe she would say that to you.
Yeah, honey, you don't believe her, do you?
I don't know, she, you know, said that I'd have triplets.
But she also said one of them would be black.
Just out of curiosity, did she tell you how you're gonna go?
No, 'cause she didn't tell me I was gonna die
till the very end of the session
and I was not going to waste a whole other hour there.
I mean, I've only got a week left, you know?
I've really got to start living now.
- Hey, everyone. - Oh, hi.
Hey, uh, well, today's my first lecture
and I kind of wanted to try it out on you guys.
Do you-do you mind?
- No, that'd be great. - Okay. Alright.
- Sure. - Okay.
[sighs]
"There are three primary theories
"concerning sediment flow rate.
Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into--"
Oh, this is it. This is what's gonna kill me.
"Subcategories.
The first of these subcategories--"
Uh, Ross.
Are there, uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
No. Why?
Well, I just never seen a guy stare so hard
at a piece of paper that didn't have naked chicks on it.
Oh. Okay.
Okay.
"There are three..
"...primary theories..
"...concerning sediment flow rate.
"Each of these theories
can be further subcategorized...into--"
Why don't you open with a joke?
Open with a joke?
It's a university, not a comedy club.
Well, wait a minute. Hold the phone.
You're not talking about Chuckles University?
Okay.
- We're kidding. - Come on.
Ross, hey, you know what might make it less boring?
Thank you.
Some, um, some visual aids.
Oh-ooh, you know what's a good visual aid?
Please don't say naked chicks.
Why not?
You know, I don't even know why I bother
to even talk to you guys about it, you know?
I'm just gonna do it on my own, with no naked chicks.
That's the way I did it until I was 19.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Any good mail? - Yes.
You got something from the Screen Actors Guild.
Ooh, it's probably a residual check.
Hey, can you open it for me? I got a, you know..
- "Benefits lapsed." - Hmm. That's weird.
I don't remember being in a movie
called "Benefits Lapsed."
Yeah, it's not a check.
They're saying your health insurance expired
because...you didn't work enough last year.
- Let me see that. - Alright.
Oh, I can't believe this.
This sucks.
When I had insurance, I could get hit by a bus or..
...or catch on fire, you know?
And it wouldn't matter. Now I gotta be careful?
I'm sorry, man, there's never a good time to have to..
...stop catching on fire.
Alright, well...I guess I gotta go get a job.
I'm gonna go see my agent.
Okay, and make sure to look both ways
before you cross the street.
"Make sure to look both ways
before you cross the street."
Hey.
Hey, Pheebs, you're still alive.
How are you feeling?
Oh, it's so exhausting waiting for death.
Oh, by the way, do you think..
[choking]
Pheebs, wh-what are you doing?
I was preparing you for my de..
Didn't you think I was dead? Did that not come off?
No, yeah, scared the hell out of me.
I thought we'd lost you forever.
- Pheebs, you want to lie down? - Yeah. Thanks.
And, listen, can you do me a favor?
Can you just, uh, wake me up in a couple hours.
You know, if you can?
Monica...
Did-did you take these back?
No, no, I-I just, I liked them so much
that I went out and bought some for myself.
Oh, yeah, they're really great, aren't they?
- I love them. - Yeah.
Nice try.
- Hello. - Hey, how'd the lecture go?
It went great.
And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either.
Wow. That's great, Ross.
I'm sorry we weren't more supportive before.
I knew all I had to do was let
the material speak for itself, huh?
Everyone's all, uh, "Ross, you have to be funny and sexy."
Well, I proved them wrong.
And now, I'm gonna pass the news
on to Joey and Chandler.
That you're not funny or sexy?
That's right.
Hey, Estelle, listen--
Well, well, well.
Joey Tribbiani.
'So you came back, huh?'
They think they can do better
but they all come crawling back to Estelle.
What are you talking about?
I never left you. You've always been my agent.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, well. No harm, no foul.
Look, Estelle... you got to get me some work.
- I-I lost my health insurance. - Alright.
First thing we gotta do, damage control.
Why?
W-well, I think, uh..
...someone out there..
...may have been bad-mouthing you all over town.
That bastard!
- Hi. - Hey.
So, uh, Estelle
lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow
and I'll have my health insurance back in no time.
That's great, but..
...shouldn't you be on a toilet right now?
- What? - What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
Well, I-I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach
when I was lifting weights before
and then I, uh, passed out
and, uh, I haven't been able to stand up since.
But, uh, I don't think it's anything serious, you know?
This sounds like a hernia.
You have to... you go to the doctor.
No way. Okay, look, if I'm gonna go to the doctor for anything
it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach.
[Joey groaning]
That's a hernia.
Why'd I have to start working out again?
Damn you 15s!
Well, we're a little early.
The lecture doesn't end for 15 minutes.
Yeah, but, you know, we could sneak in and watch.
Yeah, okay. Oh, hey, look.
There's some Kappa Kappa Deltas.
I was a Kappa.
Hey, sisters.
Wow, we really are bitches.
[British accent] Right, so when Rigby got his samples
back from the laboratory
he made a startling discovery.
What he believed to be igneous was, in fact, sedimentary.
Imagine his consternation when..
Oh, bloody 'ell.
What the hell are you doing?
Look, I was nervous.
You guys had me all worried I was gonna be boring.
I got up there and they were all, like, staring at me.
I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out.
Yeah, and not a very good one.
Will you, will you please..
Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman.
I'm a professor in the paleontology department here.
Oh.
Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
[British accent] I'm sorry, I've got plans with my sister.
[Irish accent] Monica Geller-r-r-r.
Right. Will you excuse us for one moment?
What are you doing?
Oh, you can have an accent, but I can't?
[Irish accent] Top o' the mornin' to ye, laddies!
Will you just..
Please stop.
[Indian accent] Yes, yes, Bombay is
very, very nice this time of year.
[Joey grunting]
[sobbing]
Hey, will you grab me a cruller?
[whimpering]
Sit down!
Will you go to the hospital?
Dude, hernia operations cost, like..
...a lot, probably, okay?
Besides, it's-it's getting darker and more painful.
That means it's healing.
I will loan you the money.
Just go to the hospital, and let's just get that thing..
...pushed back in?
Thank you, but it would take me forever
to pay you that money back, and..
...I don't want that hanging over my head, okay?
Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in
I can get all the free operations I want, okay?
I think I'll probably start with that laser eye surgery thing.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's going on?
Well, Joey's got a really bad hernia
but it's nothing that a little laser eye surgery won't fix.
Look, I'm-I'm telling you
if I put my hand on my stomach right here
it doesn't hurt that bad.
[sighs]
Hey! Maybe you'll die.
Chandler, I'm scared.
No, we can go together!
Just don't wait too long, though, okay?
'Cause I'm out of here sometime before Friday.
- Yeah, but I don't wanna die. - No, no, it'll be fun.
We can come back and we can haunt these guys.
[grunting]
- Give me them! - No! They are mine!
- No, you stole them from me! - You stole them from me!
Give me them!
[grunts]
You just wanna each take one?
Yeah, that seems fair, we never use them.
[door opens]
Look, I really need some help, okay?
Why, why did I have to speak in a British accent?
What do I do?
Well, why don't you phase it out?
Yeah, phase the accent out.
People will think that, you're, you know
just adjusting to life in America.
(Rachel) 'Yeah, I mean, come on, Ross
no one'll even notice.
I mean, they're probably not even listening to you.
They're not listening to me?
Of course they're listening to you.
Everybody listens to you.
Monica, uh, you really think I should try
this "phasing out" thing?
I think you look fine.
- Whenever you're ready. - Okay.
Hey, Timmy..
...I've got a
surprise...for you.
'Hold it, I'm sorry.'
The surprise is a new swing set.
If you could play it a little less intense?
Well, yeah, sure. No problem.
Uh, just hold on one second.
[groaning]
Hey, Timmy..
...I've got a surprise for you.
Oh, my God!
Huh.
So that's why I feed my dog Purina One.
Pick up a bag today.
That's where you pick up the bag.
Exactly.
No, the line is "pick up a bag," so you need to pick up the bag.
Or..
...I could just point to it, huh?
"Blah-blah-blah, Purina One.
Point to a bag today."
I didn't get it, did I?
- No. - Yeah, okay.
Hi. I'm, uh, Joey Tribbiani.
I'm here to audition for "Man."
You mean "Dying man?"
Yes!
Okay, come on, do it one more time.
- Really? Really? - Yes. Yes.
Okay.
[Scottish accent] Hello, Ross? This is Dr. McNeely
from the fake accent university.
We'd like you to come onboard with us full-time.
[giggling]
- Hey! - Hey!
Listen to this.
My reading was wrong. I'm not going to die.
Really? How do you know?
Because my psychic is dead.
She must have read the cards wrong.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Eh, better her than me.
Hey, let's bake cookies!
Listen, I'm really glad you got the part.
[groaning]
But are you sure you can do this?
Yeah! And, hey, man, thanks for coming with me.
And thanks again for helping me take a shower.
Now, is that "never talking about it again?"
Hiya.
Hey, Joey, we're ready for you.
Uh, Joey, this is Alex.
He's gonna be playing your son.
Hi, Alex.
And, uh, as you can see, my hands not in my pants.
Okay.
Alright, uh, Alex, now, when Joey says his line
"Take good care of your mama, son."
that's your cue to cry.
Got it? Alright, let's do this.
Scene 5, Take 1.
'And action!'
Take good care of your mama, son.
Come on, son..
your mama's good people.
Cut!
Alex, remember..
...you're supposed to cry.
Can you cry for us this time?
Okay.
Alright, from the top.
Scene 5, Take 2.
Take 36 is up.
Alright, let's try this again. Are you ready, Joe?
Uh, one thing, is it alright with you if I, if I scream
right up until you say "action?"
- Uh, sure. - Okay.
[screaming]
Action!
Take good care of your mama, son.
Cut!
[screaming]
I'm sorry. Hey, hey, Joe.
Why don't you lift up your shirt?
Take a look at this, kiddo.
[crying]
We have him crying, John!
Roll the damn cameras!
[phone ringing]
- Hello? - Hello, is Ross there?
Uh, no, he's not. Can I take a message?
'Yes. This is Russell, Ross's divorce lawyer.'
Just tell him that since I haven't heard from him
I assume he's decided to give the marriage a try.
Ross got married again?
[gasping] No!
[thinking] Alright, keep going.
We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out.
So without retesting the results in the la-bor-atory
the team would never have i-denti-fied..
...the initial errors in their..
...carbon-dating anal-ysis.
Were there any questions at this point?
Yes?
What's happening to your accent?
Come again. What's-what's this nonsense?
[laughing]
Alright, I'm-I'm not English.
I'm from Long Island.
I was really nervous, and the accent just, uh..
...just came out.
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
So, if we could just get back to the lecture.
Um, were there any questions?
About paleontology?
Alright, look, I was just trying
to make a good first impression.
Obviously, I screwed up.
But what you guys think of me is really important
because I'm-I'm hoping to get a permanent job here.
So if you just give me another chance
to make a good impression..
[door slams]
Ross! Are you crazy?
I am still your wife?
What, were you just never gonna tell me?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Oh! I could just kill you!
[Irish accent] Well, 'ello, Rachel!
So, you've really done this before?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just take a big, big swing, okay?
Now, don't hold back.
Okay.
- Hey! - Hey!
What are you doing?
We're just celebrating
that Joey got his health insurance back.
Oh, alright.