[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey, check it out.
This is unbelievable.
Joey has been holding his breath
for almost four minutes.
Dude, what are you.. Are you trying to kill me?
Pheebs, I want to ask you somethin'.
Uh-huh. What?
Umm, well, since I'm movin' out
and-and you're so beautiful..
- Oh. - How about I move in with you?
Well, that would be great
but then what do we do about Denise?
- Who's Denise? - My roommate.
You have a roommate?
Yes, Denise. Denise.
Hey, what is with the secrecy, Phoebe, huh?
And what about this Denise?
- Is she cute? - Pheebs, I don't understand.
How can you have a roommate that none of us know about?
Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say.
I talk about her all the time.
Denise!
Hey, Rach, listen, I was thinkin', uh
I'm going to have an extra room over at my place.
- Oh, that's true. - Yeah.
Why don't you move in with me? It'll be great.
We could, like, stay up late talkin' and watch movies..
...and you know about naked Thursdays, right?
Yeah, yeah, I think I'm gonna find my own place.
Hey, hey!
I thought naked Thursdays was just our thing, man.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hi.
So what did Rachel say when you told her
you were still married to her?
Oh, that, um..
...she took it really well.
Oh! You didn't tell her, did you?
No.
Of course not, because you're in love with her.
I am not in love with her.
She was very upset about having to move out
so I-I didn't tell her we were still married
because she'd only get more upset.
I-I-I just.. I comforted her as a friend.
What do you mean, comforted her?
It was nothing, I just gave her a hug.
Uh-huh! A classic sign of love, the hug.
It's also a sign of friendship.
Yeah, not in your case, Lovey Loverson.
- It was a hug. - Alright, just tell me this.
Did you or did you not smell her hair?
S-sm-smell her hair?
Well, what if I did?
Ninety percent of a woman's pheromones
come out the top of her head.
That's why-that's why women are shorter.
So that men will fall in love when they hug them.
Oh, come on, Ross, you're a scientist.
I was hugging her as a friend, okay.
It's not my fault her-her hair got in my face.
She's got a lot of it and it smells all-all, uh..
...you know, coconutty.
What? Oh! That doesn't mean I have feelings for Rachel.
Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts.
Okay, whatever you say, but just be careful, alright?
Rachel's not in the same place you are.
Okay, if the place you're referring to
is being in love, then she is in the same place as me
because I am not in that place.
Okay, I didn't understand that.
But, you know, maybe that's 'cause you were speaking
the secret language of love.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hi.
Dude, some guy just called for you.
- Who was it? - I don't know.
How about, thanks for taking the message? Jeez.
Hey, listen, you know, when you move in
Rachel's room's gonna be empty.
You wanna talk about what we want to do with it?
- Sure. - Okay.
I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right?
With a-a mahogany sleigh bed
and bedside tables with flowers on it all the time.
And then we could have, like a rolltop desk
with little comment cards, so people can tell us
how much they loved staying here.
Whatever, you know, I really haven't thought about it much.
Well, I like that idea, obviously.
But I was thinking maybe, maybe, maybe it could be
a game room, you know.
I mean, you can buy old arcade games
like, uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200.
The real ones, the big, big, big ones.
No.
Okay, so you mean no as in
gee, Chandler, what an interesting idea
let's discuss it before we reject it completely.
Oh, I'm sorry. Of course.
Yes, uh, interesting idea, um, talk about it, but, no.
So that's it?
I just don't think that, you know, arcade games
go in the beautiful guest room.
The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques.
Which is why Asteroids is perfect.
It's the oldest game.
What do you have against the beautiful guest room?
Nothing, I don't have anything against the beautiful guest room
especially since everybody that we know
lives about 30 seconds away.
Are you mocking me?
No, I'm not mocking you
or your beautiful guest room.
Hey, what's up?
Nothing. Monica and I had a stupid fight.
But you're still moving in together, right?
'Cause my ad came out today.
"Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly."
- Nice. - Yeah?
I just figured, you know, after living with you
it would be an interesting change of pace
to have a female roommate, you know?
Someone I could learn from.
Someone-someone who's different than me.
And what's more different than me
a guy who's not 19, than, say a girl who is 19?
Yeah?
Not just a hat rack, my friend.
- Pheebs, I have to ask you-- - Shh! I'm swamped right now.
But you're just staring into space.
Um, I'm trying to move that pencil.
- This one? - It worked!
Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is a nightmare.
Every place that I can afford
comes with a roommate who is a freak.
I mean, look at this.
"Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly."
I mean, it's just.. There's nothing.
- This city is full. - Wait, no, look at this.
"Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker.
"Satan worshipers okay."
Oh, yeah, but it's on the ground floor.
- Hey. - Hey.
Rach, uh, you still looking for a place?
Yeah, why?
Okay, there's this guy, Warren from the museum
and he's going on a dig for, like, two years.
And he's got this great place, he needs to sublet.
- So, uh...you interested? - That sounds great.
I'd love to live at Warren's. I love Warren. Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me.
You want to thank someone, thank the volcano
that erupted thousands of years ago
killing, but perfectly preserving
an entire civilization.
Here's Warren's number.
Oh, this is great. I am gonna call him right now!
- Oh, okay. - Thank you.
Okay. You go call him.
I saw it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Um, I'm talking about that
which you already know but won't admit.
You know, that you love her again.
You re-love her.
Look, I do not re-love her.
I can't believe you won't just admit it.
Okay, just promise me that you won't do anything stupid.
Look, we're just friends now, okay?
Why would I do anything stupid?
Argh! Well, the apartment is already subletted.
I mean, this is just hopeless.
I'm never going to find anything.
- You can live with me. - What?
What?
Oh, my God, are you serious?
Uh-huh.
I would love to live with you, Ross.
That-that's great. Thank you.
I-I'm just glad I could, you know, help you out.
Wow, I'm-I'm so happy for you guys.
This is so, so not stupid.
Ross, Ross, you have no idea what this means to me.
I mean-I mean I was gonna be homeless.
You've just saved me.
You're my hero.
[chuckles] Hero. I-I don't know.
Well, alright.
Oh, I have to go tell Monica
what a wonderful brother she has.
Oh, please.
[clears throat]
You're gonna say things now, aren't you?
No. No, I won't.
But I should tell you this.
This exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise.
She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her
and he said he didn't love her, but he really did
and it just blew up.
And that's how she ended up living with me.
Okay, that's a lie.
[instrumental music]
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi, listen, I'm sorry about before.
I don't need to have a game room.
I mean, when I was a kid I only played those games
because I couldn't get girls
and now I can get 'em.
Now I have you.
No-n-n-not that I think that I have you
or think of you as property in any sort of way.
I see women--
Stop it, Chandler.
- I'm sorry, too. - Really?
- Yeah. Oh, yes. - Hmm.
Listen, we don't have to make that a guest room.
We can think of something to do with the room together.
That's a great idea.
We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.
Totally.
We don't have to come up with this now.
- Oh, good. - Hey, you know what?
Why don't we think about changes
that we can make in the living room?
Changes?
Yeah, I mean, we're gonna have to move around some furniture
to make room for my chair.
Y-y-you're gonna bring the Barcalounger over here?
Is that a problem?
Well...it's just that they're a set
and they should probably stay together.
Oh, that's cool, then I'll just, uh, bring them both over.
See, now. Now, you're taking them away from their home.
Okay. I get it. So I get nothing.
Nothing here is mine. Everything is yours.
I'll get up in the morning, put on your clothes
and head off to work.
Yeah, yeah, you know what? Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Everything will be mine. Nothing will be yours.
That's-that's what I said.
Oh, come on, Chandler, I'm talking about the Barcalounger!
It just.. It doesn't match.
- Where is it gonna go? - In the game room!
Look, it is not my fault
that your chairs are incredibly ugly.
Alright, that's fine. That's fine.
I won't bring over the chairs.
I won't bring anything over.
I wouldn't want to ruin the ambience
over here at grandma's place!
Everything on your application looks really good.
Uh, oh, just one last question.
Um, are you and your friends gonna be over here
all the time, like partying and hanging out?
Oh, don't worry, I'm not really a party girl.
Whoa!
Now look, don't just be blurting stuff out.
I want you to really think about your answers.
[door opens]
You can call off the roommate search.
- Hi, I'll be living here. - Oh, don't listen to him.
He's just some guy who really wants the apartment
but I don't think he's gonna get it.
Why did you take the shower curtain down?
That thing was a hazard.
I'm very safety-conscious.
[instrumental music]
Hey.
Hey! Oh, I was just clearing some space for your stuff.
Oh, thanks.
But, listen, I was just at Monica's
and she and Chandler had a big fight
and they're not moving in.
What do you mean, they're not moving in?
They're-they're still moving in, right?
No, no, they just had a big blowout
over what to do with my room.
What? Over a stupid room?
I know. I feel kind of bad for 'em.
But I'm also really psyched
'cause now I don't have to move in here.
Oh. No-no, yeah. No, that part's great.
What's all this about you guys fighting?
Is this really over a room?
I mean, that is so silly.
- Ross, we can handle this. - Well, uh, apparently not.
And I can't just stand by and watch two people
I care about so much be hurt by something
that is so silly.
I mean enough o-of this silliness.
Well, why don't you tell her to stop being silly?
[babbling]
Okay, okay.
Two very good points.
Look...I've known you both a long time
and I've never seen either of you one millionth
as happy as you've been since you got together.
Do you really want to throw that all away over a room?
That is so silly.
I mean, wh-what's more important?
Love?
Or silliness?
Well, we are fond of the silliness
but we also have a soft spot for the love.
Love is the best medicine.
- That's laughter. - Why do you do it?
- I don't know. - Okay, alright.
Now, Chandler, you-you want to live with Monica, right?
Yeah, I do.
And, Mon, you want to live with Chandler, don't you?
- Yes. - Good.
A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York.
[instrumental music]
So, I understand you're looking for a place.
No, no, I'm staying put.
Oh.
I was going to offer you my apartment.
Why? Where are you going?
I don't know.
- Hey...Rach. - Hi.
Ah, you're never gonna believe it.
Um, Monica and Chandler are moving in again.
That's great news, right? I mean, for them, right?
- Oh, wow. - Yeah.
But on the bright side, we get to be roommates again.
Ye-yeah.
You know, uh, about that, um..
Ross, I..
[clears throat] I really appreciate your offer
to let me move in and everything, but..
...don't you think it's gonna be weird?
Wh-why?
Why-why-why would it-why would it be weird?
Well, you know, be-because of us.
Because of our history.
- No! - No?
No! No!
It would only be weird if we were still in that place.
I mean, are you still in that place?
- No, not at all. - Good. Me neither.
So it's not a problem.
And we're just two friends who happen to be roommates.
Okay, but, Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating.
Really? We are?
Well, yeah, I'm gonna have a boyfriend
and you're gonna have a girlfriend.
Oh.
That would be great.
But you know what, if you think it's gonna be okay
we'll just work out a system.
You know, it'll be like in college.
I'll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign
come back later, I'm getting lucky.
[both laughing]
Yeah, I-I didn't think of that.
So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?
I mean, it's a really big step.
And-and what's the rush?
[both laughing]
That's very funny.
He's being silly because he knows
that we enjoy the silliness.
No, I-I'm-I'm serious, okay? I mean, think about it.
You move in, uh, you start fighting over stupid game rooms.
Next thing, you know, you break up.
Ross, you were right before.
It was just a stupid fight about a room.
Okay, there are no stupid fights.
This isn't about the room.
This is about what the room represents
and unfortunately, this room could destroy you!
- Yeah, I'm not so worried. - Yeah. No, me neither.
Fine. It's your life.
I just don't want to see you guys break up, you know?
Which you will do if you move in together.
But if that's what you want, there's nothing I can do.
Don't do it!
You still want to move in together, right?
- Of course. - Ross didn't scare you?
Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.
Hey, come here. I got to show you something.
Okay.
Oh, my God. Someone's killed square man.
[laughs]
This is where I thought the Barcalounger could go.
You see, you can see the TV
and still it's walking distance to the kitchen.
Oh, that's so sweet.
- Wanna show you something, too. - Okay.
You know those big, big, uh, road signs
that say-that say "Merge?"
- Mm-hmm. - You know?
So, I was thinking that we could get
one of those signs and hang it over our bed.
Because that's you and I together.
Merge.
- Oh, my God, I love that. - Really?
Uh, no.
♪ I found you in my bed ♪
♪ How'd you wind up there ♪
♪ You are a mystery ♪
♪ Little black curly hair ♪
♪ Little black little black little black little black ♪
♪ Little black curly hair ♪♪
Thank you.
Um...now if you want to receive
e-mails about my upcoming shows
then please give me money, so I can buy a computer.
So, uh..
[clears throat] ...where are the other guys?
Um, well, let's see.
Monica and Chandler are occupied.
- Fighting? - No, the other thing.
I really think it's great they worked things out.
Yeah, there's no breaking them up, is there?
Hey, can I borrow the key to your house
so I can run across the street and make a copy?
- Sure. Here. - Thank you.
Now, are you sure?
Because once I make a copy, there's no turning back.
Yeah, I'm-I'm sure.
Now, get out of here before I change my mind.
Uh..
Listen, Ross... you really think
this moving in with Rachel is a good idea?
I've been back and forth.
Yeah, well, maybe you should go back, okay?
Rachel moves in, and before you know it
you're right where you don't want to be.
- Back together. - Yeah, I don't think so.
She's already talking about, you know, dating other guys.
That's not gonna work out.
Then she's gonna come home all weepy and you'll be telling her
oh, that's okay, you'll find someone.
And then bam! She finds you.
Right.
Well, ma-maybe you're right.
Oh, I am telling you, Ross, she is definitely gonna
fall in love with you again.
Now, is that what you want?
Is that what I want.
Yes.
Here she comes.
Hold on, I'm gonna make your life much easier.
Alright, well, the place was closed.
So, I'll just copy it later.
Or not.
Uh, Rach, why don't you just move in with me?
Oh, whoa, whoa, Joey.
Oh, no, no, no, it's okay.
I mean, look, Rach, I know I scared you off
with that whole naked Thursdays thing, but..
...we don't have to do that.
Well...it would be easier to move just right across the hall.
Wait a minute, unless you're thinking about naked Wednesdays.
Thursday's clearly not good for you.
Pick a day.
[instrumental music]
- Hi. - Hi.
Come on in. Thanks for coming back.
Um, okay, there've been a lot of people
interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down
and you are one of the finalists.
Great.
Okay, now, before I make my decision
I, uh, I just want to make sure
that our personalities match, okay?
So I made up a little test.
Now, I'm gonna say a word
and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.
- I can do that. - Okay, here we go.
- Pillow. - Fight.
Very good.
Okay. G.
- String? - Excellent.
Okay, um..
...doggie.
- Kitten? - Ooh, sorry.
[babbling]
No, no, no. So close, though but, okay, bye-bye.