What, uh, what did you...what?
I still love you.
And I know, I probably shouldn't even be here telling you this.
I mean, you're with Chandler, a guy I really like.
And if you say he's straight, I'll believe you.
After seeing you the other night I knew if I didn't tell you
I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
You know, you're really not supposed to be back here.
Uh, well, yeah, I'm sorry.
I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place
but...I had to tell you.
I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you.
I wanna have kids with you.
Oh, my God.
Why don't they put chairs back here?
Look, I-I know this is crazy
but...am I too late?
Well, yeah, yes, you're too late.
Well, where was all this three years ago?
Well, I know, I was an idiot.
And I tried to forget you. Look, I-I really did.
You know, after we had lunch last year
I spent six months in Africa
trying to get you out of my head.
- What were you doing in Africa? - Working with blind kids.
Oh! What are you doing to me?
[sighs]
Oh, look, I, uh...I'm sorry
but, um, it's, this is not gonna happen.
Okay, that's fine. I'll walk away.
And I'll never bother you again but only..
...if you tell me that Chandler's willing
to give you everything I am.
[chuckles] Well, he is.
Yeah, I mean...marriage is all he talks about.
[chuckles] Oh, my goodness.
In fact, I'm the one that's making him wait.
- You are? - Yeah.
- Why? - Why?
Because of the government.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
- Isn't it incredible? - Yeah.
Monica and Chandler are getting married.
I know. They're gonna be so happy together.
Oh! I mean, two best friends falling in love.
How often does that happen?
- Not that often. - No.
I'm so happy for them.
Me, too. So happy for them.
I'm so happy and not at all jealous.
Oh, no. Oh, God, definitely, not jealous.
Mm-mm.
[chuckles]
I mean, I'm probably 98% happy
and maybe 2% jealous.
And, I mean, what's 2%? That's nothing.
Totally.
[sighs]
- I'm like 90-10. - Yeah, me too.
Hey, uh..
Have you guys seen Chandler?
Well, no, but you know, who, who did stop in here
looking for you? Um, Tennille.
[instrumental music]
So, that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday..
You don't really believe that, do you?
Sure, I do.
In fact, I think the whole concept
of marriage is unnatural.
I mean, look at pigs.
Let's take a second here and look at pigs.
Okay, pigs don't mate for life.
I mean, a pig can have, like a hundred
sexual partners in a lifetime.
And that's just an ordinary pig.
Not even a pig that's good at sports.
Wait a minute.
Are you honestly telling me that-that
you may never wanna get married?
Well, never say never, but, you know, probably, um..
...yeah, never.
Oh, my God!
Then-then-then, what are we even doing?
- What is this? - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What is all this pressure?
Is this some new kind of strategy?
Why don't you put down your copy
of the rules, huh, man-trap?
You know what? I gotta go.
[Monica sighs]
It's okay. I got a plan.
[instrumental music]
We're gonna find love.
Definitely.
Yeah, I'm pretty confident about that.
That's what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy
for Monica and Chandler.
It'd be nice to have a little guarantee, though.
- What do you mean? - Well, you know..
Some people make deals with a friend
like, if...neither of them are married
by the time they're 40, they marry each other.
- Um-hmm, you mean a backup? - Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah, I've got that.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
- Who? - Joey.
Joey?
- Yeah. - Are you serious?
Yeah, I locked him in years ago.
Wait, wait, so, if neither of you are married
by the time you're 40, you're gonna marry Joey?
Yep, we shook on it.
- Ah! - Yeah.
But, believe me that is not how
he wanted to seal the deal.
- Oh. Seriously? - Oh, yeah.
I think his exact words were..
[clicking tongue]
Charming.
- Ah, he's just a backup. - Yeah.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Monica.
Have you seen Rachel or a mirror?
This is for my boat. Pretty cool, huh?
- Yeah, it's great. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's the matter? Talk to the captain.
I'm just having one of those days where you
realize you're in a dead-end relationship.
Chandler giving you a hard time, huh?
It's not like I wanna get married tomorrow.
It's just I'd like to believe that I'm-I'm
in a relationship that's going somewhere.
That I'm not just wasting my time.
- Oh, you know Chandler. - No, I don't know Chandler.
Not anymore. It's like, it's like something's changed.
Maybe you changed.
I didn't change.
Maybe that's the problem.
- What? - Chandler is a complex fellow.
One who is unlikely to take a wife.
What does he think, does he think I'm just gonna wait
around for nothing?
Monica, face it.
Chandler is against marriage
and-and always will be.
Yeah, well, there are some people
who do wanna marry me.
- There are? - Yeah. Richard.
Ri-Ri-Richard said he wants to marry you?
And-and Chandler's telling you how much he hates marriage?
That's right.
Chandler loves marriage!
You just told me that he hates marriage.
That-that he's a, "a complex fellow
who's unlikely to take a wife."
That-that he's against marriage
and always will be.
You got that from what I said?
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
- Rach? - Hey, you.
- Hey. Come on in. - Oh, thank you.
Hey, you know, I'm so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.
Oh, thanks. Yeah.
I really thought we'd be able to make it work
but, uh...I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Yeah. Love..
It's a tricky business, isn't it?
I guess so.
So what do you say we make a pact.
If you and I are both single by the time
we're 40, we get married.
I mean, we know each other, we like each other.
I mean, we've already slept together.
So you know, there'll be no surprises there.
[chuckling] You know what I mean? No, like, what's that?
[both laughing]
So what do you think?
Oh, you..
...you want me to be your backup?
- Exactly. - Oh!
Yeah, I already have one.
- What? Who? - Phoebe.
Phoebe?
Wait a minute, but she...but she just..
...she said Joey is her backup.
[chuckles] Oh, I don't think so, okay?
Ross, I just had a conversation with her
and she said that she and Joey made a deal.
That's impossible. I mean, we have had a deal for years.
We-we-we shook on it.
Although, believe me, she wanted
to do a lot more than that.
[instrumental music]
Where the hell have you been?
I was making a coconut phone with the professor.
Richard told Monica he wants to marry her.
- What? - Yeah, yeah.
I've been trying to find you to tell you
stop messing with her and maybe I would have
if these damn boat shoes wouldn't keep flying off!
Oh, my...oh, my God!
I know, they suck!
He's not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him.
I'm supposed to do that.
- I know! - Well, what?
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go over there.
And I'm gonna kick his ass!
Will you help me?
Look, Chandler, I don't think us getting our asses kicked
is a solution, okay?
Look, just go and find Monica.
- You're right. Okay. - Yeah.
I'm gonna get the ring.
I'm gonna go find her
and I'm just gonna propose.
- Okay. - Okay, go get her.
- Dude, dude, dude. - Huh?
Let me know about that coconut phone.
It might be good for the boat.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Hi.
[sighs]
Hi.
I don't why I'm here.
I didn't ask.
You wanna come in?
- I don't know. - Oh, okay.
Well, I'll just leave the door open
and go sit on the couch.
- Chandler is such an idiot. - Drink?
Yeah. I'll have a scotch on the--
Rocks with a twist?
'I remember.'
You start smoking cigars?
Uh...no, no. That's...art.
If it bothers you, I can put my art out.
No, that-that's okay.
So, Monica..
Let me ask you a question.
You know, since we broke up do you ever..
...think about me?
Yeah, uh, actually, I-I thought about you
a couple months ago.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
But, it's 'cause I-I had
an eye exam and..
...I don't like my new eye doctor.
- Who is it? - Edward Nevsky.
Yeah, he's no good.
Do you ever...think about me in a..
...non-eye-doctor way?
No.
Ah!
Because getting over you is the hardest thing
that I've ever had to do.
And I never let myself think about you.
[no audio]
[instrumental music]
Phoebe, you picked Joey and Ross?
You cannot have two backups!
Of course, I can.
It's just good sense to back up your backup.
Look, I've already lost Chandler.
What?
Hey, Phoebe.
We're both your backup?
Phoebe, how could you do this to me?
Okay look. I don't know what you're complaining about now.
You were both aware of the situation.
- No, we weren't. - I was not!
Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly
when we're married.
Phoebe, you can't have both of them. You have to pick one.
- Pick me! - No, pick me!
I don't wanna end up an old maid.
Alright. Well, let's see.
Ross is a good father.
But...Joey has a boat.
This is hard.
This is crazy. Hey, look, I wanna switch to Rachel.
Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too.
No, wait, just, okay, just wait!
You guys, wait, guys.
Don't make any rash decisions, okay?
Just remember my promise
if we get married..
...three times a week.
[scoffs] Oh, my God, Phoebe.
- I'm talking about massages. - Oh, alright.
[no audio]
Alright, you know what? I know, how to, how to settle this.
Alright, here, this is what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna write "Joey" on one napkin
and I'm going to write "Ross" on the other napkin
and we are going to pick one
and that person is gonna be our backup, okay?
- Here we go. - That sounds fair. Okay.
- Fine. - Okay?
Good. Switching it up.
Woo-oo!
- Pick one. - Left.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- "Ross." - "Joey."
- Hmm-mm. - Hmm-mm.
- We should just switch. - Yeah, absolutely.
- 'Yeah.' - 'Yeah.'
I miss this apartment.
Now this is a grown-up's apartment.
Now I-I should be with a grown-up.
- Do you know what I mean? - 'Yeah!'
You're saying..
...you need to be with someone more mature.
Maybe someone with..
...a license to practice medicine.
Or a mustache.
You know, let's face it.
I'm not a kid anymore.
I-I need to be with someone who wants
the same things that I do.
I mean, coming to my place of work
and telling me that you love me
I want that!
[sighs] Talking about pig sex over lunch
I don't want that!
I think that's fair.
"Fair"? Please, don't even talk to me about fair.
Yeah, fair would have been
you wanting to marry me back then.
Or fair would be Chandler wanting to marry me now.
Believe me, nothing about this is fair.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing!
It's okay. Shh, shh. Hey, hey!
Shh!
Nothing.
I don't know.
I don't know. Um..
I know.
You know, I-I, uh..
have to figure some
you know, some stuff..
...before I can..
Yeah, I understand.
Take as much time as you want.
Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it.
I'll be here.
Not smoking.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
- Chandler. - Where is she?
I'm not scared of you.
She's not here and please come in.
Scotch on the rocks..
...with a twist..
...on a coaster, ha ha.
Monica? Monica?
Okay, she was here but she left.
- Where did she go? - Well, she..
Said she had to think things over.
Oh, my God. I can't believe this, you know?
I thought...I thought you were a good guy.
Oh, hey, look, nothing happened.
Nothing happened? Nothing?
So you didn't tell my girlfriend that you love her?
Well, alright, one thing happened.
You know, I can't believe this. You know what you did?
My girlfriend is out there thinking things over.
You made my girlfriend think!
Well, I'm sorry.
I mean, what does she have to think about? I love her.
Well, apparently I'm willing
to offer her things that you are not.
But I am willing to offer her all those things.
This was just a plan, you know?
A way to throw her off course so that
when I offered her all these things
she'd be surprised.
Well, if it helps, it worked very well.
Well, it was working until you showed up.
You big tree.
I mean, this isn't fair. You had your chance with her.
You had your chance and you blew it!
And this is my chance and I'm not gonna blow it
because we are meant for each other.
And this has all just been one stupid mistake.
I was gonna propose tonight.
You were gonna propose?
Yeah, I even..
...got a ring.
Did you get a ring?
No, I don't have a ring.
You go get her, Chandler.
And can I give you a piece of advice?
If you do get her..
...don't let her go.
Trust me.
You know, Richard.
You are a good guy.
I know.
I hate that.
[instrumental music]
- Dude. - I can't talk to you now.
- I gotta find Monica. - She's gone.
- What? - 'She's gone.'
She had a bag and she left.
- What are you talking about? - She was all crying.
She-she said you guys want different things
and that, and that she needed time to think.
Well, why didn't you stop her, why didn't you
just tell her it was a plan?
I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler.
But she wouldn't believe me.
Well, where, uh?
- Where did she go? - To her parents, I think.
And she said that you shouldn't call her.
But if I were you, I would.
[sighs] I can't believe I ruined this.
I am so sorry, man.
Damn!
You wanted it to be a surprise.
[door slams]
Oh, my God.
Chandler..
...in all my life..
...I never thought I would be so lucky..
[sobbing] ...as to fall in love with my best..
[sobbing] ...my best..
There's a reason why girls don't do this!
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll do it.
I thought..
[sobbing] Wait, I-I can do this.
[chuckles]
I thought..
...that it mattered, what I said..
...or where I said it.
Then I realized..
...the only thing that matters is that you..
...you make me happier..
...than I ever thought I could be.
[chuckles]
And if you let me..
...I will spend the rest of my life
trying to make you feel the same way.
[chuckles]
[chuckling]
- Monica? - Yeah.
Will you marry me?
[chuckles]
Yes.
I knew you were likely to take a wife!
(Joey) 'Can we come in yet? We're dying out here!'
Come in! Come in!
We're engaged!
[all cheering]
Oh!
This is the least jealous I've ever been!
Oh, no, wait! No! This is wrong!
Ross isn't here!
(all) Oh!
Oh, hell, he's done this three times!
- He knows what it's about! - Yeah! Yeah!
Come on, baby!
[theme music]
[Eric Clapton singing "Wonderful Tonight"]
♪ Oh my darling ♪
♪ You were wonderful tonight ♪♪
[music continues]