- Okay, Chandler. - Okay.
And your horoscope says
"On the fifth, a special someone is going to give you a gift."
Oh, well, thank you in advance.
Oh, "But the 12th brings a lover's spat."
You're going to make a joke about my special present.
Why would you do that?
Oh, wait, and "On the 19th
a secret crush announces itself."
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Oh, my God! It's Joey Tribbiani of "Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E."
[cheering]
Oh, that's right, it's your first day.
So are you psyched to fight fake crime
with your robot sidekick?
Am I psyched? To lead my own TV series?
I've dreamed about this for years.
Why have I not been preparing?
No, Joey, you're gonna be great.
But I gotta act with a robot, Pheebs.
An-and I don't know anything about technology.
I can't even use Chandler's computer
except to find porn.
And-and that's only because it's right there
when you turn it on.
I think our lover's spat will start a little early this month.
I'll be waiting.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Are you judging them by their covers?
'Cause you're really not supposed to do that.
No, I'm just deciding which one to use.
I'm gonna start writing another book.
Be-because the last one was such a big seller?
Well, if you must know, I have written 14 books.
And as I'm the only one who has read them
I can tell you that they have all been very well received.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, what you guys doing later?
Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.
- We do? - Wanna see what he wants first.
Oh.
I just found out Elizabeth's dad wants to meet me.
Wait a minute, hold the phone.
You're not Elizabeth's dad?
Come on, guys. I-I really want this guy to like me.
It-it would really help me out if you guys could be here
to kind of make me look good.
- Well, of course, we'll help. - Yeah! We'll be here.
Thanks.
We know how tough those
parent-teacher conferences can be.
So, uh, here's your office set.
Wow! Huh?
Mac Machiavelli, private investigator.
Huh?
Let's, uh, get you into wardrobe for a fitting.
Okay. Hey, uh, when do I get to meet the robot?
Uh, I'm sorry, why don't we do that right now?
- He's right here. - Okay.
- Joey Tribbiani, this is.. - Oh, wow!
He is so lifelike.
Unbelievable.
This is Wayne, the man who created
and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
How do you do there, Wayne?
Uh, I'll let you two guys get acquainted, huh?
Okay. Sorry about that..
Uh, so where's C.H.E.E.S.E?
C.H.E.E.S.E. is right...here.
[whirring]
Nice to meet you, Mac.
[laughs]
This is like the temporary robot, right?
No. Why?
Well, I-I just, I just thought it was gonna be
like a really cool robot, you know?
Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you.
I spent two years developing this machine
it's absolutely state of the art.
I'm sorry, it just..
I don't know, it doesn't really look like it can do anything.
It can do this.
- Hi. - Oh, hi. Oh!
This is my father, Paul Stevens.
Dad, this is Ross Geller.
It-it's great to meet you, Paul.
Usually prefer Eliz's boyfriends
to address me as Mr. Stevens.
Oh, of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.
Yeah. So, Ross..
...what your problem?
Eh-wh, excuse me?
Why can't you get a girlfriend of your own age?
Oh, that's funny.
Um...it's not funny.
I don't like you going out with my daughter, Ross.
Okay, um...I can, I can see that.
Um, but I think if you give me
um, one chance..
...I-I can change your mind.
Okay.
- What? - Okay.
I'll give you one chance to change my mind.
You got one minute.
- Daddy? - Fine!
Two minutes. Go.
[indistinct]
Yeah.
One minute fifty seconds.
Okay, um, I want you to know
I have never done anything like this before.
I mean, I mean I've been in, um, relationships in general
uh, but I have never done it with a student.
I mean, I not..
Not it! I mean, I mean, I don't.
We haven't done "it".
Uh, we, I mean..
...I mean, we've-we've done stuff, but I..
Okay. Okay, a joke.
A joke, lighten the mood.
Umm, two guys go into a bar.
- One of them is Irish. - I'm Irish.
And the Irish guy wins the joke.
- Ross. - Ross.
How crazy that we'd run into you?
- Oh, my God. Thank you. - Oh.
Um, uh, Mr. Stevens, I'd like you to meet my friends
uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
So, you're Elizabeth's father, huh?
I can see now where she gets her..
...rugged handsomeness.
Is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens?
There's a Mr. Bing.
No, unfortunately Lizzie's mom passed away
shortly after she was born.
I raised her by myself.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Okay, um, why don't we all take a seat, you know.
And, uh, and I'll get us all some, uh, some coffees.
Yeah, why don't you..
Uh, and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want.
You know? Whatever pops into your head.
You know, it is so strange seeing Ross
here at this time of day, 'cause usually
well, he's at the children's hospital.
Yeah.
Not looking for dates.
So, uh, Monica, is Ross's sister.
- Yeah, he's a great brother. - I had a sister.
- Ooh. - She passed away.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
No, you don't have to do that every time.
But, uh, Ross, Ross is a great guy.
I-I was roommates with him in college.
Huh, funny story.
Your roommate in college died, didn't he?
A part of him did, yes.
Okay, here we are, Paul, Elizabeth.
So, I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.
- Yes, we were just-- - Hi, sorry, I'm late.
But I am ready
ready to talk you up.
When does Liz's father get here?
- I'm already here. - Oh! Ross is so great!
Hey, honey, you got the kind with the little girl
you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.
No, you said the baby creeps you out.
No, the little girl creeps me out.
You said the baby.
Why would the baby creep me out?
Why would the little girl creep you out?
You guys, I'm sorry, can you please talk a little slower?
- This is going in your book? - Yeah.
It's about relationships, you know?
The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do.
Keep going, this stuff is great.
What? Excuse me!
And how none of it matters
when the people really love each other.
And how people will believe anything you tell them
as long as it's a compliment.
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
- Hi.
I left my keys here somewhere.
Oh! Well, let's look for 'em.
I mean, usually under here the..
Oh, oh. Hey. Hey, are these them?
No.
- Alright. - Oh.
- Here they are, right here. - Oh, good.
- Thanks for your help. - Yeah, wait. Oh, sir.
- Mr. Paul. Mr. Paul. - Just call me Paul.
Paul. Um.
I just wanted you to know that, you know
Ross really is a great guy.
Well, maybe, you can date him then.
That would save me the trouble of killing him.
Oh.
I..
Are you okay?
You just don't look old enough
to have a 20-year-old daughter.
Well, we were very young when we had her.
Oh. We?
Well, yeah. It usually, takes two people to..
Oh, no! Yes! Of course, I know that.
I just, what I meant, you know..
Are you still, uh, "we"
or are you just "you?"
I'm just me. Yeah.
My wife died.
Shortly after Lizzie was born.
Oh, so you raised her all on your own?
Yes, I did.
Ohh. Ooh!
- Hey. - Hey.
- How was your first day? - Yeah.
Pretty great, except I did get
a little attitude from the robot.
Damn those robots, they're supposed
to be our faithful servants.
Anyway, it wasn't the robot
it's the guy who controls him.
Yeah, he doesn't like me.
He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich table
right when I was reaching for one! Ohh!
So, why don't you just get him fired?
I may have to and I hate to do it
but I'm a star, you know.
There's a limit to how many sandwiches
I can eat off the floor.
[phone ringing]
Excuse me.
Joey Tribbiani.
Joe, I'm glad I found ya.
- I got an audition for ya. - 'Wow.'
'The thing is it's kinda on the QT'
the actor who has the part
doesn't know he might be fired.
It's the lead in a series, "Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E."
I'm the lead in "Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E."
Uh-oh.
Joey.
Hi, Ross.
I was just getting him to like you.
Joey!
- Joey! - Hey, Ross.
Ross, Joey is not here.
Okay, I'll just wait for him in here.
Ross, it's okay. You can come out.
Yeah, Ross, it's okay, it's me..
...Mr. Stevens.
Oh, I didn't.. Oh, my gosh.
I didn't even see you!
Sure you did, you came in, you got all awkward
you ran into the bedroom.
You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!"
- Bye, Rach. - Bye.
- I'll call you later. - Okay, see ya.
Bye, Ross.
What-what-what the..
How da-how did..
What the-how did-what?
Well, you know, he lost his keys.
- So he was looking for them. - In your mouth?
No.
Downstairs, and we got to talking, you know
for like two hours, and I really liked him.
So I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.
You were at the coffee house.
Ross, what's the big deal? So I kissed the guy.
He is my girlfriend's father, okay?
It's-it's-it's weird.
Wh.. You dated my sister.
What? That was different.
- What? Why? - This is weird for me.
Ross, look, look, this is good for you, okay?
Let's face it. So far the guy is not loving ya.
But I can turn that around.
I got the inside track.
We can all go out to dinner.
You know, and I can talk you up.
Plus the guy is a very
very successful lawyer.
- How is that important? - Oh, it's important.
So, apparently, there's like a million guys out there
that can play Mac, and there's only this one robot
and this one guy who controls it.
I didn't know he could get me fired.
- What am I gonna do? - Well, you know, Joey.
You're a pretty charming guy.
Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.
No, sweetie, you've got to win over
the guy who controls C.H.E.E.S.E.
You gotta go back there and kiss some
serious robot ass.
That's not a bad idea.
Yeah, okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow
I'm not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys.
Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you, Pheebs.
So, do you think, uh, Joey's more charming than me?
Yeah, that's why I'm sleeping with him on the side.
Yeah, you wish.
"You wish."
Phoebe, stop writing about us.
I'm not writing about you.
I'm writing about other people.
- Who? - Marcia and Chester.
Okay, fine. Fine. Then you know what?
I will just write about Phyllis.
- Hmm. - Huh.
- Phyllis is sitting in a chair. - Ooh.
I see what you're doing.
Phyllis sees what I'm doing.
Oh-ho.
Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine
and it is bitter.
Morning! Hey.
How's my favorite genius and his little robot buddy?
- Don't touch it. - Okay. Alright.
Umm. Alright, Wayne, look, level with me. Okay?
I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired.
Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part.
Come on, man. You-you got to give me a second chance.
I mean, I love-I love this little guy. Ah-ah!
Okay, that's why you didn't want me to touch him, right?
Here you go. Okay?
Stupid! I can't believe it. God.
Hey, how you doin'?
So, it seemed that my prom date had stood me up
so Ross selflessly
offered to take me.
- What a nice story. - Oh.
So, Ross, was in college
and decided to jump at the chance to take
a young girl to her high school prom.
Wow, I definitely did not see that one backfiring.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Yeah, take your time.
You know, just-just so you know, I was a freshman
and she was a senior, so it wasn't as bad as-as--
Ross, look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs
and...and it's partly because I'm very protective..
...of Lizzie and...partly because..
...well...they just keep coming to me.
But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things
Lizzie has told me and the many, many..
...many stories that Rachel has told me that..
...well...you're not..
...all bad.
Not all bad.
And anyhow, I'm sorry, I was so harsh before
but you have to understand that I..
...still look at Lizzie like she's a 12-year-old girl.
Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean.
I do that too.
- I beg your pardon. - No. No!
Not, uh, I don't mean.. I-I see her as a 12-year-old girl.
I mean, I-I have a son, who's, um, six
and I still think of him as a baby.
- You have a son? - Yeah.
Well, my-my ex-wife and I
uh, share custody of Ben
and, um, uh, and just so you know
Carol and I are on excellent terms.
As I'm sure you are with your wife.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's unbelievable. - Don't worry about it.
I just didn't realize you were married.
Oh, we were, but that was just a..
I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.
You're back?
You two were married?
Oh! Whoops! I'm sorry, you were talking about Emily.
Okay.
Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffee house at 6:00.
We said 7:00.
We said 6:00.
The only way that I said 6:00
would be if I said the sentence
"Let's meet at 7:00..
...not at 6:00."
Yeah, and if I had said 7:00
maybe I would've said something like this
"Wow, my boyfriend is such a wise ass. 7:00."
- Oh, come on. - Hi.
- Oh, my good God. - Uhh.
- I know what time you said. - What?
Well, actually, I know, what time
Chester and Marcia said.
- What time? - Mm-mm.
Quite an interesting turn of events
suddenly it's my book to the rescue, huh?
Let's see.
Oh, very interesting.
Yeah, well this certainly clears things up.
What does it say?
I will tell you as soon as
you thank me for writing my book.
Thank you for writing your book.
It's-it's a great book
and you are the queen..
...of everything.
Thanks! So are you.
I told you I should not wear this color.
Alright, Moni..
"Marcia and Chester
'"are planning on seeing a movie Sunday night.'
"Marcia thinks they're supposed to meet at 6:00.
Chester thinks it's at 7:00."
So, you knew we were gonna miss the movie?
That's right.
Instead of telling us, you decided
to write in your stupid book.
Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis.
Ooh!
Can't believe I'm gonna lose this job.
Oh, I'm so sorry, man.
- Is there anything I can do? - Yeah.
Help me get this mini-fridge
past the security guard.
[knocking on door]
Hey, Joey, I wanna talk to you.
Yeah? Well, I don't wanna talk to you, Wayne.
I hate you. You ruined my life.
Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler.
Hi, how are ya?
Joey, Joey, I-I-I'll g-get you your job back
if you help me out.
Why should I help you out?
The reason he just said.
What do you need?
I-I-I saw you on stage talking
to that beautiful woman, you know, Sarah?
- Hmm. - I wish I could talk to her.
What, are you in love with her or something?
Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.
Yeah, I've been there my friend.
Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job
if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.
Oh, wow, Wayne..
...it's not really something you can teach, you know?
It's pretty much something you're born with..
You-you can teach it.
I'll show you right how to do it.
I mean, if you think about it
I mean, Ross did learn something from each marriage.
How to make the next one even shorter?
Now, wait a minute, that's not fair.
I mean, he was married to me a hell of a longer
than he was married to Emily, he just didn't tell me.
Maybe I have to pee again.
Well, this is fun.
So, Ross..
...did you kill any of these wives?
You know what? I-I-I..
I-I have had enough of this.
You know, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter
and I have treated her with nothing but respect.
So, if-if you've got a problem with me, frankly--
- Are you yelling at me? - God, no.
You know what, daddy?
If you don't like Ross, that's fine.
It doesn't matter to me.
I'm gonna go out with him anyway.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, if it doesn't matter to her
it doesn't matter to me.
Still not yelling.
Well..
What can I say?
This doesn't make me like you any better.
That's okay, I'm not so crazy about myself
right now either.
- Then we agree? - Uh, yeah, I guess..
- Yeah, I guess so. - Neither of us like Ross?
- I like Ross. - Ooh! Kids.
Wait-wait-wait, I just thought
of another story about how nice Ross is.
Aah, that's okay, Rach. We're not liking Ross right now.
Oh! Oh, I've got a lot of those too.
Ooh.
Well, it turns out you were right, C.H.E.E.S.E.
The shipment never made it through Omaha?
You got it.
And the rabbi's beard
one hundred percent horsehair.
Nice catch, C.H.E.E.S.E.
It's your line, C.H.E.E.S.E.
[whirring]
Wayne! Wayne!