[instrumental music]
You got three minutes till the reactor blows.
We're never gonna make it.
You've got to get out of here!
Save yourself!
- No! I won't leave you. - Don't worry about me.
I'm a robot. I'm just a machine!
No, you're not. Not to me!
- Oh, my God. - What?
I am extremely talented.
Yeah, you're great. Okay, let's take it from, uh--
No, I mean I was really acting my ass off.
Yeah, uh, I thought I was pretty good too.
Oh yeah, you're solid. Yeah, you're just no me.
You know what? I think that's enough for now, yeah.
I don't wanna be over rehearsed.
Fine. I'll do it without you.
I don't need you or anybody else!
I'm gonna make it on my own!
You'll see! You'll all see!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ You're love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-oo ♪♪
[instrumental music]
So, uh, what's this thing you're auditioning for?
Oh, it's a new TV show. Yeah.
I'm up for the part of Mac Macaveli or Mac.
Yeah, I'm a detective and I solve crimes
with the help of my robot partner
he's a, he's a Computerized Humanoid
Electronically Enhanced
Secret Enforcer or, or CHEESE.
So, Mac and CHEESE.
That's the title. Yeah.
You know they really lucked out that
the initials spell cheese.
That is lucky.
Huh, wait so, Joey, if you get this
you're gonna be like the star of your own TV show.
I mean you'll be like the big cheese
or the Big Mac. Hey, you love those!
Well, don't get your hopes up
because it's probably not gonna happen.
Now, now, why would you say that, Joseph?
I mean, come on, you guys, my own TV show?
I just.. I don't know if I'm good enough.
I am.
Joey, what are you talking about? You're a terrific actor.
You really think so?
How can you even ask that question?
(Chandler) 'Whoa! She's pretty.'
Yeah. Oh, and she's really nice too.
She taught me all about, you know
how to work with the cameras
and smell-the-fart acting.
- Huh? - I'm sorry, what?
- What? - Excuse me?
It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast
that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one.
So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause
where you look all intense, you know, like this.
(all) Okay.
[clattering on TV]
Oh, here's my scene. Here's my scene.
Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray
your sister's neurosurgeon.
Your sister is suffering from a..
[Austrian accent] Well, Eva..
...we've done some excellent work here
'and I would have to say..'
...your pvoblem is qvi-i-te clear.
[instrumental music]
♪ All you want is a dingle ♪
♪ What you envy's a schwang ♪
♪ A thing through which you can tinkle ♪
♪ Or play with or simply let hang ♪♪
I play Al Pacino's butt.
Alright, he goes into the shower
and then, I'm his butt.
- Oh, my God. - Come on, you guys.
This is a real movie and Al Pacino's in it.
- And that's big. - Oh no, it's terrific.
It's, it's, you know, you deserve this
after all your years of struggling you've finally
been able to crack your way into show business.
Okay, okay, fine. Make jokes, I don't care.
This is a big break for me.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
- It is. - 'Yes.'
So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
[all laughing]
Alright, well, I'm outta here. Wish me luck.
♪ Goo-o-d luck goo-o-d luck ♪
♪ We all wish you good lu-u-u-ck ♪♪
Yeah, whatever.
It's your turn.
Oh, are we playing this?
- Hey. - Hey, how the audition go?
Terrible. I messed up every line.
- I shouldn't even be an actor. - Wait a minute.
Are you doing that thing where you pretend
it didn't go well but it really did go well?
Yeah, did I fool ya?
Totally.
- So, it did go well. - Oh, it went amazingly well.
- Great. - Oh, that's great.
Yeah, yeah. It's down to me and two other guys.
- Oh, my God. - Wow.
And I know both of them, and they're really good.
One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials
who's always getting chased by those big flowers.
Oh, I love that guy.
Oh, what are you doin'?
What am I doin?
I'm so nervous, you know?
The callback isn't till tomorrow at 5:00.
I feel like my head is gonna explode.
Well, it is overdue.
Look, don't worry, okay? You're gonna be fine.
Yeah, but there's just so much pressure, you know.
I mean, no offense but what you guys all do is very different.
I don't know if you'd understand.
Yeah, none of the rest of us have to deal
with pressure at our jobs.
Yes, Fran, I know what time it is
but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy.
- Well, I'm tearing the lettuce. - Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
Oh, oh, no, no. Don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
Don't, I like it dirty.
That's your call.
So, uh, what are you going to do next?
Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatoes.
Are they, uh, firm?
They're alright.
You're sure they haven't gone bad?
You're sure they're not very, very bad?
[clears throat] No really, they're okay.
You gonna slice 'em up real nice?
Ahem, actually, I was gonna do them julienne.
[moans]
I'm outa here.
Monica, I'm quitting.
I just helped an 81-year-old woman
put on a thong and she didn't even buy it.
I'm telling you, I'm quitting. That's it.
I'm talking to my boss right now.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Okay bye.
Call me when you get this message.
Well, what happened?
Well, he came in for a massage
and everything was fine until..
Oh, my God!
(Phoebe) And all of a sudden his hands
weren't the problem anymore.
Was it..
Oh, boy scouts could've camped under there.
You ate my sandwich?
Oh, it was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Oh, really?
Now, now, calm down.
Um, come look in my office.
Some of it may still be in the trash.
- What? - Well, it was quite large.
I-I-I had to throw most of it away.
You, you, you threw my sandwich away.
(Ross) 'My sandwich?'
It's just, I want this part so much, you know.
If I don't get this part, I'm never gonna eat
macaroni and cheese again. No, I didn't say that.
That doesn't count.
Oh, come on, guys, it's not like I moved to Europe!
I just moved across the hall.
And we would have you over all the time
if it weren't for..
...Monica's allergies.
You're right, I could never lie to you.
She hates you.
[phone ringing]
Should I get that?
Hello?
Uh, no, Joey's not here right now.
Can I take a message?
Yeah, okay, so the audition has been moved
from 5:00 to 2:30?
Okay, great. Bye.
[screams]
Aren't you dressed yet?
Am I naked again?
We're supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.
Yeah, okay, I was just talking to the guys.
Just look at them, I mean
is it okay if they come visit?
What? What about my allergies?
Oh, right, your allergies.
All her, she hates you.
[quacking]
[instrumental music]
Yes. Ha ha.
Hey, how cool would it be if you could watch
like a real life-sized version of this? Huh?
I mean, how crazy would that be?
As crazy as soccer?
[phone ringing]
Hello? W-what are you talking about?
The audition's not till 5:00.
Well, nobody told me.
Who'd you talk to?
Never mind.
You mean you didn't get it from this?
The allergy guy got the part, thanks.
Well, maybe we can fix it, you know?
Maybe we can send him some, some
big, big flowers and scare him.
How could you do this to me, Chandler?
This part could've turned my whole career around.
I messed up, okay? I'm sorry, I really messed up.
Hey, you don't even live here anymore.
What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine!
Which I bought for ya.
Taught ya how to use it.
You thought it was a copier.
Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it, okay?
But everybody's allowed one mistake, right?
You know he could've gotten me a VCR.
He could've gotten me a set of golf clubs
but no, he has to get me the woman repeller.
The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!
- It's not that bad. - Oh, yeah.
Easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around
sporting some reject
from the Mr. T collection.
Chandler. Chandler.
[imitating Mr. T] I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry.
I do. I do.
I pity the fool that.. Hi!
When you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking and..
...one thing lead to another and..
And what? Did you sleep with her?
No, no, no. I just kissed her.
What? That's even worse!
- How is that worse? - I don't know!
- But it's the same! - You're right.
- I have no excuses. - I was totally over the line.
Over the line?
You-you-you're
so far past the line
that you can't even see the line.
The line is a dot to you.
Look, I'm not saying that
you should magically forgive me.
But you're not perfect, you've made some..
...errors in judgment too.
Name one.
- What happened? - Oh, man.
He promised he wouldn't take the chairs.
What the hell happened? How were you locked in?
And where the hell is all of our stuff?
Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and
he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man.
So...you got in voluntarily.
I was tryin' to make a sale!
Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again
you know what I'm gonna do?
Bend over!
There's Lorraine.
Okay, now, remember, no trading.
You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
- Hi, Joey. - Hey.
Well, well, look what you brought.
And what did you bring?
She's checking her coat.
Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands.
Will you get me a white Zinfandel
and a glass of red for Janice.
Janice?
Oh...my...God.
Joey's tailor, took advantage of me.
- What? - No way.
I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Oh come on, he said he was gonna do my inseam
then he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite..
- What? - Cupping.
That's how they do pants!
Ross, will you tell him?
Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Yes, yes it is... in prison!
I said name one.
I can't believe I did this. What an idiot!
Oh, stop beating yourself up. People make mistakes.
These things happen.
There aren't any messages that you've forgotten
to give me, are there?
Apparently, you're not very good at it. I..
Do you think he'll ever forgive me?
I'm.. Of course, he will.
But, Chandler, the most important thing
is that you forgive yourself.
You know what, I-I kinda have.
Already? That's pretty bad what you did.
You know what? He will forgive you.
And I like to bring a pad with me
when I go answer the phone just in case, okay?
You didn't see how mad he was, you know?
I'm sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there.
You know, you fight, you make up, it's just the way it works.
It took two people to break up this relationship!
Yeah, you and that girl from that copy place
which yesterday, you took full responsibility for.
I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! Okay?
I didn't finish the whole letter!
- What? - I fell asleep!
You fell asleep?
It was 5:30 in the morning
and you had rambled on for 18 pages.
Front and back!
Oh, oh, oh and by the way
Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E
means you are
Y-O-U-R means your!
[grunts] You know, I can't believe I even thought of getting back
together with you, we are so over!
[whimpers]
Fine by me!
And hey, just so you know, it's not that common
it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!
I knew it!
You had no right to go out with him.
[scoffs] That is the most ridiculous--
- You sold me out. - I did not sell you out.
Yes, you did. You absolutely--
Would you let me talk?
Did you just flick me?
Okay, well, you wouldn't
let me finish and I was j--
Ow! Stop it!
(both) Ow!
Oh! Alright, hey, Let's not do this!
[Rachel screams]
Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!
[Rachel screams]
Oh! Oh! Okay, now I'm gonna kick some ass!
(both) Ow. Ow. Ow.
- I know, I know, I know! - Ow. Ow. Ow.
Alright, now I will let go, if you both stop.
- Fine. - Fine.
There we go.
Huh, you know what, if we were in prison
you guys would be like my bitches.
Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is.
You hide my clothes.
I'm wearing everything you own.
Oh, my God.
Look at me! I'm Chandler!
Could I be wearing any more clothes?
Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
[grunts]
Whew! I tell you, it's hot with all of this stuff on.
I, uh, I better not do any
I don't know, lunges.
♪ Living alone ♪
♪ I think of all the friends I've known ♪
♪ But when I dial the telephone ♪
♪ Nobody's home ♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪ Don't wanna live ♪
♪ All by myself ♪
♪ Anymore ♪
♪ All by myself ♪♪
Joey?
Got you a Joey special.
Two pizzas! Joe?
[phone ringing]
Hello? Damn it.
Hello? No, Joey's not here right now.
But I can take a message, I think.
He's still got a chance for the part?
Oh, that's great news!
Well, no obviously not for the actor
who was mauled by his dog.
Oh, well, that's great. I will give Joey the message.
Thank you.
Yes.
Okay.
Mac audition at 2:00.
Allergy actor attacked.
By dog, not flowers.
Hey!
Please tell me you got the message.
What message?
The actor playing Mac couldn't do it.
They needed to see you at 2 o'clock.
What? It's 6 o'clock!
I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board.
Then I went all over New York City looking for ya.
I went to Ross'! I went to the coffee house!
I went to any place that they made sandwiches!
I can't believe this, Chandler!
Sorry! I-I-I don't know what to say.
Well, y-y-you might say, congratulations!
I saw the board, I went to the audition. I got the part!
Is that supposed to be funny? I was really worried over here!
Oh, well, I'm, uh--
You know, sometimes that
fake out thing, is just mean.
Oh, wow! Okay man, I'm sorry.
I did not mean to make you feel bad.
Well, that's good because you didn't
and I'm incredibly happy for ya!
That's mean!
- You really had me going there! - Oh, we could do this all day.
Yeah, you're right. Okay, look, listen.
Let's talk about what a huge star I'm gonna be.
You are gonna be a huge star. I'm gonna hug ya!
- You hug me. - Alright.
♪ You've really got a hold on me ♪
♪ You really got a hold on me ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ And all I want you to do is just ♪
♪ Hold please ♪
♪ Hold squeeze ♪
♪ Hold me ♪
♪ Hold me.. ♪
- Hey, do we do this too much? - I think so.
- Yeah, get off me. - Yeah.
♪ Tighter ♪♪
Try routing your backup power source through your primary CPU.
I can't. My circuits are fried.
They're fried, I tell you!
Wow!
Well, then I'll just have to carry you.
That'll be a neat trick
when you're, when you're dead!
[clicks]
Ross, you don't have to yell.
There was just an explosion, okay?
My hearing would be impaired.
I thought you were excellent!
In fact, for a minute there I was like
"Ooh, where'd Ross go?"
Thank you, and I have to say that first scene
where you meet Mac..
- Yeah? - Oh, my God. I mean..
You know what? I think that's enough for today.
Thanks for your help!
- Holding us back. - Totally.