[instrumental music]
Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
Yeah.
Yeah, what-what was I thinkin'?
Hey.
So, what's with the 20% tip?
Did I do something wrong?
Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip, Joe.
You know what's more generous that? 50%.
You know what's even more generous than that?
I see where you're goin'.
What's up with the greed, Joe?
Alright, look, I'm sorry, you guys, but it's just that
I gotta get these new headshots made
and they're really expensive, you know.
I'm down to, like, three.
Actually, two, 'cause one of 'em
I kinda blackened some teeth.
Why'd I do that?
Well, isn't there somethin' you can do
to earn a little extra money?
I mean, can't-can't you pick up
I don't know, an extra shift here?
Or, you know, I used to beg for money.
Of course, it helps if you've got, you know
a little of this goin' on.
Wow! I still have it.
(Joey) 'Yeah.'
Oh, wait, wait, don't you have an audition today?
Yeah, maybe you'll get that job.
Oh, ha ha ha.
Oh, wait a minute, I used to get
medical experiments done on me all the time.
Ah, finally an explanation.
Oh, no, I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff.
Remember? Let's see, uh..
Well, I don't wanna donate sperm again.
I really prefer doin' that at the home office, you know.
Oh, oh, maybe they want, like, some of my blood
or-or spit or somethin', huh?
- Joey? - Yeah.
What'd I tell you about talking to your friends
while you're working?
Uh, do it?
That guy's been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes.
He's complained about you three times.
Now, where was I?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
- What have you guys been up to? - Oh.
We went to a self-defense class today.
- Wow. - Yeah.
Kickin' a guy in the crotch all morning
really takes it out of you.
Takes it out of you?
You know, now we can kick anybody's ass.
- Yeah. - After one class?
I don't think so.
What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?
Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator.
Go on, I dare ya!
Well, of course, you can defend yourself
from an attack you know is coming.
That's not enough.
Look, I studied karate for a long time.
And there's a concept you should
really be familiar with.
It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Isn't that a kind of sushi?
- No, it's a concept. - Yeah, it is, it is.
It's freshwater eel.
Alright, maybe it means that too.
Oh, I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.
You know, fine, get attacked. I don't even care.
Come on, Ross, we're sorry. Please tell us what it is.
Unagi is a state
of total awareness...okay?
Only by achieving true unagi
can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
You mean, in case someone's trying to
steal your bamboo sleeping mat
or your kettle of fish?
[laughing sarcastically]
All I'm saying is, it's one thing being prepared
for an attack against, like, each other.
Whole another story being prepared for an attack
I don't know, like, a surprise!
Alright, you knew that was coming
but that doesn't mean you have unagi.
Ooh, you know what?
If we made reservations, we could have
unagi in about a half-hour.
You know what..
- Hey, hey, is Monica here? - No.
- 'No.' - Okay, look, I need your help.
I don't know what to get for Valentine's Day.
Well, Valentine's Day was two weeks ago
so I wouldn't get her a calendar.
She was working on Valentine's Day
so we're celebrating it tonight.
Oh, oh, hey!
Why don't you book a day for both of you
at one of those romantic spas?
Oh, Joey, that's actually a really good idea.
Yeah, and of course, crotchless panties.
Well, as appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend..
...and her brother..
...I can't do that.
We promised we'd make
each other gifts this year.
- Oh, I love that. - You guys!
You can't make crotchless panties? You take..
You take a pair of scissors and you just cut--
Okay, okay, okay..
So, making things, that sounds so much fun.
Yeah, I thought so too until I papier mached
one of my eyes shut.
I love papier mache! What did you make?
I made a flar-lar-lar, I just..
- What is that? - Nothing!
Oh.
So, what are you gonna do?
Well, have you guys made anything
that maybe I could take credit for?
Ooh, I have, I have! Um..
I've started making these little sock bunnies!
Oh, for cryin' out loud. Look.
Hey, wait a minute. That is my sock.
Now, it's your little bunny friend.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Okay.
This, this actually is a fla-flud-fla-fla.
- Hey. - Hey, honey.
Can I ask you a question about the Valentine's Day gifts?
Oh, yeah.
Do we have to make the entire thing?
Yes. Why? Did you, did you forget to make yours?
Of course, of course not.
[laughing]
I just have to, uh, go over to the place
where I, I made it and-and pick-pick it up.
- Okay. - Okay. I can't wait.
This is gonna be the best Valentine's Day ever!
[laughs nervously]
I can't believe it! Make the presents!
- Make the presents! - What?
I'm just so excited to make the presents!
[laughs nervously]
Shoot!
[instrumental music]
Hi, uh..
...I'm Joey Tribbiani.
And with all due respect
I'd like to donate some fluids.
We're actually at the end of one of our research cycles
so we're not looking for applicants right now.
Oh, that's too bad. I've kinda been savin' up.
Uh, are you sure there's no studies I could participate in?
Well, here's a schedule of what's comin' up.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, but this one starts now.
Oh, that one is available now
but only identical twins are eligible.
- It's a twin study. - But it's $2000!
Sorry.
Oh.
And, whoa, how about this one?
"Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani
on attractive nurse receptionist."
We already got the results back on that one
and they're not good.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chattering]
Danger! Danger!
[shouting] Ross!
What the hell was that?
A lesson in the importance of unagi.
Oh.
You're a freak!
Perhaps.
Now I'm curious.
At what point during those
girlish screams would you have
begun to kick my ass?
Alright, so we weren't prepared!
I'm sorry I had to take such
drastic measures to make my point, but I..
Look, I just want you guys to be safe.
- Oh. - Oh.
Danger!
Ah-h-h-ha.
Unagi.
[instrumental music]
[thinking] Two thousand bucks is a lot of money.
Boy, I wish I had a twin.
Where could I find someone..
...who looks exactly like me?
[instrumental music]
Hey.
Chandler.
I sensed it was you.
What?
Unagi.
I'm always aware.
Okay, are you aware that unagi is an eel?
What's up?
I can't figure out what to make Monica.
Oh. Why don't you make her one of your little jokes?
I'm going crazy, okay?
Do you have anything around here that looks homemade?
Well, you know what? She-she'd love this.
Uh, it's an exact replica of Apollo 8.
I made it in the sixth grade.
Yeah, I guess I could use that.
I could say, uh, "Your love
sends me to the moon."
Yeah. Yeah.
Except Apollo 8 didn't actually
land on the moon.
But you-you could write
um, your love lets me
orbit the moon twice and return safely.
Wait a minute, I can't give this to her.
Why not?
Because it says, "Captain Ross"
on the side.
And it says, "I hate Monica" on the bottom.
Mmm.
(Phoebe and Rachel) Danger!
[screaming]
Ah-h-h, salmon skin roll.
Okay, okay.
Yes, honey, I've made it myself.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
Oh, oh, a mixed tape! A mixed tape!
- Hey, hi! - Hey.
Are you ready to exchange gifts?
- Sure. Okay, you go first. - Okay, come here, come here..
- Okay. - Okay.
Now, it's not wrapped
because I just, just finished it.
Okay.
But I made you a tape
of what I think are all romantic songs.
[gasps] Oh, what a great gift.
[sighs]
Is "The Way You Look Tonight" on it?
Maybe, we'll have to listen and see.
- Oh, I love it! - Ah.
- Thank you so much. - Okay.
Okay. You ready to open yours?
- Yeah. - Okay.
It's a sock bunny.
Yeah, yeah. You remember how I call you bunny?
Not really.
Well, I did one time, a-and I wanna start doing it more.
See, that's what this is about.
I see.
You know, uh, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.
No. No, she doesn't. Phoebe what she makes, that's a..
They're sock rabbits. They're completely different..
Okay, okay.
Okay, I didn't make it! I'm sorry.
I totally forgot about tonight
and the fact that we're supposed to make the presents.
- Oh, it's okay. I don't-- - No, no, it's not okay.
It's not. I mean, you are just.. You're so incredible.
You went through all this time and effort
to make this tape for me.
You know, I'm just gonna..
I'm gonna have to make this up to you. I will.
I-I am going to cook you anything you want in here.
And I'm going to do anything you want in there.
Well, I did put a lot of thought into the tape.
[instrumental music]
Wow!
[chuckling]
You are way too young to have seen that.
You know, your birthday's in a month and a half.
What do you say, I forget to get you a present for that too?
You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.
- We have got to wash that. - Yeah.
Do you remember that jacket that you love so much
that you thought was too expensive?
You have done enough.
I'm gonna wake up early and go get it for you.
No, you don't hav..
Get it in black, not brown.
[bell dings]
- Oop, your cake is ready. - Oop.
Uh, it's like that old saying, "Have sex, eat some cake."
Hey, Mon. Hey, Chan. Just gettin' a soda.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Joey.
How are you doin'?
No! No! No!
How you doin'?
How you doin'? Damn it, Carl! Go wait in the hall.
Look, I gotta apologize on behalf of Carl.
Who the hell is Carl?
Oh, did I not mention?
Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin
for a medical research project.
You know, sometimes the good ideas
are just right in front of you, aren't they?
Now, look, I, I know it sounds crazy
but I think it might work, you know.
But the only problem is Carl's acting is..
The only problem?
Yeah, he's the reason I didn't get that big
Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago, remember?
We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up.
Hey, uh, can I get a little piece of that cake?
Pizza! We like pizza! Get out!
[instrumental music]
- Pat Sajak? - Yep.
- Alex Trebek? - Oh, of course.
- Chuck Woolery? - Phoe.. Definitely, Phoebe.
You will not find a single game show host
whose ass I cannot kick.
Ow! Ah!
- Say it! - Say we are unagi!
It's not something you are, it's something you have!
Say it!
You know, I could easily get out of this
but there's a chance you could get very, very hurt!
Ow!
[instrumental music]
[telephone ringing]
Alright, Carl, we're next.
Now remember, what is this not gonna be?
- Another Minute Maid fiasco. - That's right.
And what are you not gonna do?
- I'm not gonna talk because-- - That..
Damn it, Carl!
[grunts]
Can I have the next one, please?
Thank you.
Joey and Tony Tribbiani.
That's us.
But, uh, this is a study for identical twins.
That's right. $2000.
But you're not identical twins.
Damn it, Carl!
[instrumental music]
Oh, my good God.
Hey.
Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals.
Tonight, number three.
Macaroni and cheese with cut-up hot dogs.
Look, you have done enough, okay?
You have to stop this now.
I will. But not tonight.
For dinner music, I thought
we could listen to that tape that you made me.
- Oh, the mixed tape. - 'Mm-hmm.'
[music on player]
♪ When I'm awfully low.. ♪
"The Way You Look Tonight" is on here.
Dance with me.
♪ I will feel a glow ♪
♪ Just thinking of you ♪
♪ And the way you look tonight.. ♪♪
You are just the sweetest.
(woman on tape) 'I love the way you look every night, Chandler.'
'That's why I made you this tape.'
'Happy birthday! Love, Janice!'
'Mwah!'
No, you're the sweetest.
[instrumental music]
[grunts]
Okay, ladies, that ends today's class.
And let's remember, let's be safe out there.
[all clapping]
- It's a great class. - Thanks, man.
Yeah, yeah, I was watching.
Um, hey, a couple of questions though.
Um...you know about that-that last move
where that woman tripped you
and then pinned you to the floor?
What-what, w-w-what would you do next?
Well, then she'd take her keys and try to jam them in--
No, no, no. What would you do next?
- Who? Me, the attacker? - Yes, that's right.
- Why? - I tried attacking two women.
Did not work.
- What? - No, I mean, it's okay.
I mean, they're, they're my friends.
In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them.
Let me get this straight, man. You attacked your ex-wife?
Oh, no. No, no.
I tried.
But I couldn't. That's why I'm here.
Maybe we could attack them together.
Tha-that's a no.
I am so, so, so sorry.
Uh-huh.
Oh! And I will cook anything you want in here.
And do anything you want in there.
Yeah, you will! And are you kiddin' me?
Come on, Monica, it's our Valentine's Day.
Please, please, please?
- Okay. - Okay.
Oh.
[Janice singing "My Funny Valentine"]
♪ My funny valentine ♪
♪ Sweet comic valentine.. ♪
- So are we goin' in there? - I am!
♪ Your looks are laughable ♪♪
[Janice laughing on tape]
[instrumental music]
Uh-huh. Nowhere to run.
I don't like sitting up here. I'm jus.. I'm gonna go over--
No, Rachel, they got here first.
[grunts]
- Why is Ross doing that? - 'Danger!'
Oh, my God!
Why is he jumping on those women?
- We should help them. - I..
Well, I-I don't think they need any help.
[Ross screaming]
[theme music]