[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
So, honey, this, uh..
This threesome thing, uh..
I mean, how-how are we even gonna start to find..
Ooh, actually, I've been making a list of all the women I know
who might be into doing this.
Oh. Wow.
Huh?
Boy.
Uh, someone's been doing their homework.
Yeah, oh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice
but she is so..
Oh, I know.
You know, just, just talkin' about it is
getting me kind of..
- I know, me too. - Yeah?
Well, I-I think Ben's asleep.
Oh, um..
You know, I think it'll be better
if we just save it.
Yeah.
Right. Save it. I can do that.
Hyah. Hyah.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Pheebs. - 'Hey.'
Hey. How's it going?
Well, I got to get out of this bed!
I'm going crazy here!
- Crazy! - Here you go, sweetie.
What the hell is this, herbal tea?
I hate herbal tea!
Okay, I put some honey in it.
Ni-ni, honey-in-it.
She doesn't know she was fired yet, does she?
No. The doctors say it may kill her.
What are you two girls whispering about over there?
But I think we should tell her.
[instrumental music]
Oh, I mean, it's just so realistic.
I know.
Yeah. His name's Pat.
Pat, the dog.
Oh. Oh. I get it!
[laughs]
Oh, God..
Are you, uh, you..
...ready for a refill?
Oh, I probably shouldn't.
So I will!
Oh, wow.
- It's like it's raining. - 'Pretty cool, huh?'
But if you're thinkin' you could put a fish in there
and it wouldn't get sucked up into the mechanism
well, you'd be wrong.
Um, can I use your bathroom?
It's, uh, right through there.
Okay.
[sighs]
You know, I got to tell you
if someone told me a week ago
that I would be peeing in Joey Tribianni's apartment..
Yeah, life's pretty great, isn't it?
I hope you're hungry.
We're starting with oysters.
You know what they say about oysters, don't you?
They have parasites?
No.
Um, well, some people say that oysters are
an aphrodisiac.
- What people? - People.
People say it.
Come here.
So oysters, huh?
[chuckles]
And then, we're gonna have a little, um
Middle Eastern couscous.
Something we can eat with our hands.
You know, it's funny, when we were
studying communicable diseases--
No, no, no.
- It's sensual. - Oh, didn't know.
- Okay. - Okay.
[buzzing]
Oh, no!
I'm sorry, sweetie, it's the hospital.
That food looks great. Maybe save me some?
I can't promise anything.
We're really gonna do this, huh?
Looks like it.
You know, if, if this is too weird for you
you can still back out, anytime..
- I got it. - Okay.
- Susan, hi. - Hey.
Thank you so much for coming.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I'm-I'm Ross, by the way.
Hello, Ross.
I love what you've done with this space.
Thank you so much.
[chuckles]
How hot is this?
[instrumental music]
I'm sorry you're here with me instead of Roger.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I could make it seem like he's here.
Here's some little-known facts about couscous.
They didn't add the second cous until 1979.
[babbling]
Stop it! That's not funny.
- Okay. - I'm sorry, okay.
It's just, tonight was supposed to be, you know..
Well, it was supposed to be a big deal.
What was tonight?
You don't want to know what tonight was.
Okay.
What was tonight?
Well, tonight was..
...was going to be my first time.
With Roger?
Not just with Roger?
Oh, my God!
Alright, relax, Mr. I've-had-sex-four-times!
Four different women.
I've had sex way more times.
How many?
Nine.
I was waiting for the perfect guy, you know?
Well, good. Good for you.
You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
No. He's not a horrible guy.
Hey, that's what I tell girls about me.
Chandler, I 'm gonna die a virgin!
No, you are not, you are sweet and wonderful
and this is gonna happen for you.
Really? When?
- You want to do it with me? - Okay.
I was kidding.
So was I.
Joey..
You're such an amazing actor.
How do you know where Dr. Drake Ramoray leaves off
and Joey Tribianni begins?
Well, with Dr. Drake
they always tell me what to say.
And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
- Wow. - Hmm.
Tell me something, Joey. Whoa!
Oh.
I just fell right off the couch there.
- Yeah, you did. - I'm okay.
- Yeah, let-let.. Here you go. - Whoops.
- Let me ask you a question. - Yeah?
When was the last time someone told you
just how beautiful you are?
Wow.
I can't, I can't feel my hands.
Oh, come on, come here.
♪ Listen to the radio it ain't.. ♪
- Hmm? - Huh?
- Oh? - Oh?
♪ There's a world-wide open ♪
♪ Move on little girl ♪
♪ From that place ♪
♪ Isn't it all it all.. ♪♪
[gagging]
- We can't do this. - No.
[laughing]
- Oyster? - Yeah.
Okay, now, if, if, if we did do this
there'd be a lot of pressure on me, you know?
Because you've been waiting for a very long time
and I wouldn't want to disappoint you.
Yeah, but see, I have nothing to compare it to.
So even if you were horrible, how would I know?
I do like that.
It's harder for me, I've-I've got those
four other women to compete with.
Well, if it helps, there were only three.
So it would just be for tonight, right?
Absolutely, it would just be one friend
helping out another friend.
Stop it. We're not doing this.
- Let's do it. - No. Okay!
Okay!
So, um..
Do you have any, uh, moves?
I have some moves.
- I have no moves. - Okay.
Okay, what you doin' there?
Oh, you know what? I'm sorry, this is just too weird.
- Yeah, let's just forget it. - Yeah.
- What if I turn out the lights? - 'Okay.'
(Chandler) 'Oh, yeah.'
(Monica) 'Chandler?'
(Chandler) 'Yeah?'
(Monica) 'That's the couch.'
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God.
I know!
I'll tell you something..
We are going to do that again.
Oh, okay!
[instrumental music]
Morning.
- Oh, right. - Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, I can't believe Joey Tribbiani
heard me throw up.
Yeah, I mean, he actually saw you a little bit too.
No.
Oh, God, we, hey, we-we didn't, um..
No, no. No.
Not after seeing that.
God, I 'm just a horrible person.
What? Why?
Because I 'm married.
That's right, I'm a married woman
and I came to a TV star's apartment
to have an affair. Urgh!
That's ridiculous.
I'm not a "star."
I'm just a regular famous actor.
Yeah, and I'm a horrible, horrible person.
Oh, Rachel, will you stop saying that?
Hey, hey, look
remember on the show when
when Capri was dying and she gave me--
The ring from the cave, yeah.
Wow. Uh..
Okay, well, uh..
[gasps] Oh, my God!
They let you keep that stuff?
Sure, as long as they don't find out
you can keep whatever you want.
And I want you to have it.
- No, no, no, I couldn't. - Yes, yes.
And every time you look at it
I want you to remember that you are a good person.
Okay, now, you had the chance to cheat
and with me
but you didn't
and that's what this ring stands for.
But I thought that ring stood for Capri's
undying love for her brother.
Look, you want the ring or not?
Yeah.
[instrumental music]
- 'Hey, look at you. You're up.' - 'Hey. Alright.'
Thought I 'd try to take a walk.
Will you pour me some water? I'll be back soon.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're not gonna use the pay phone
to call work, are you?
No. I've learned my lesson.
Let's go. Come on, move it.
Move it, Phoebe, come on.
Shoes, briefcase. Thanks, Lou.
Good luck with the gallbladder.
Hey, Joey, did..
Did you ever have a threesome?
Look, Ross, I-I think Carol's great
and I 'm sure you're a very attractive man.
- But I.. - No.
No, the reason I 'm asking is that..
[chuckles]
I sort of had one last night.
- You? - Yeah.
- Wow. - Yeah.
Alright, so was it amazing?
It was, it was..
Okay.
Just okay? Did you do it right?
Look, it's just, did-did you ever go to a party
and think would anyone really miss me if I weren't here?
Huh.
But still, Ross
your worst day with two women
is pretty much better than any other day.
Oh, oh, no, absolutely.
[laughing]
(together) Yeah.
It's just..
My part seemed to be over pretty quickly
and then, and then
there was a lot of waiting around.
Oh.
But you got to be with both of them, right?
Not, not really.
- It-it was just Carol. - Not the other one?
No, she kept kickin' me away.
- Oh. Yeah, you don't want that. - No.
Oh. Well, hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff.
Oh, I saw a lot of stuff.
Yeah.
- You get a little bored? - A little.
- Yeah. Made a snack. - Yeah?
- What'd you have? - Just a sandwich. Yeah.
Turkey..
- A little mustard. - Sounds good.
It really was.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night.
Oh, no, wait a minute, that was you.
Hey, check me out. I'm a slut!
So you, uh, want to do something tonight?
Oh, I can't, Dr. Roger's coming over again.
Oh.
Oh, right, right, because you're still seeing him
and, uh, he's a good guy.
I mean, I remember a time..
[snoring]
- Are you okay? - Yeah. Totally.
- Totally. Are you? - Great. It's so amazing.
I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over
I was so nervous, but then, after being with you
I'm all, like, can the doctor see me now?
I'll bet he can.
You know, I don't have an appointment
but I sure could use a physical.
[chuckles]
- Are you sure you're okay? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
Whoo-ha!
[instrumental music]
[gasps] Oh!
My God. Barry!
Y-you said you were going to be away all weekend.
Oh. That's right.
I'm sorry. I-I am early.
Finish, please!
[instrumental music]
Surprise. Look who's back.
- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.
Call security.
Pheebs, uh, didn't you get fired?
- I don't think so. - Phoebe?
Jack! Hey.
- What are you doin' here? - All better. Back to work.
Except this clown from research told me I was fired.
He should do his research, huh?
Well, you were fired.
Nuh-uh.
I told that guy who answered your phone.
Oh, okay, I didn't get that message
so this doesn't count. Anyway, I'll be in my office.
Uh-uh, Phoebe, I.. You-you don't have an office.
That's alright, I'll-I'll work right here.
This is good. Next to this plant.
- Phoebe, let's not make a-- - You're in my office.
Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company, okay?
I am talking big bucks, pesos, yen, rubles.
You make one little mistake..
You lost $13 million.
Oh, so now this is all about money?
You know, it's bad enough that, ow.
- Oh, you've got to be kidding. - Are you alright?
I'm having another heart attack.
What?
I'm having another heart attack!
Call 911!
- Take it easy, now. - Dumb-ass!
Hey, Pheebs. How's it going?
Oh, they fired me and I 'm having a heart attack.
- Oh. Well, welcome back. - Yeah.
- Hi, Ross. - Hi, Rachel.
- Is Joey Tribianni here? - Um, no.
Well, if you see him, will you please tell him
that I 'm looking for him and that this time
I am not gonna throw up!
- Are you okay? - Me? I'm great.
I'm fine. I'm so good.
But you know who's not great?
Men.
- You're a man, right, Ross? - Yeah.
- Sit down. - Okay.
Let me, uh, let me ask you somethin'.
Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
And why is it that the second we tell you
we are going out of town, bam, there you are in bed
with the neighbor's dog-walker.
We're sorry.
No, seriously. Seriously.
What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
Oh, what are you, a detective?
Look, I-I don't know what's gonna on
with you and your husband
and what is hopefully an adult dog-walker.
Look, can I just say not all men are like that.
- Oh.. - Hey.
There are some men who will do whatever it takes
to make their marriage work.
Okay, there are some men who will stand by
and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what can only
be described as a twosome
with-with some-some woman
she barely knows from the gym.
- Who are these men? - Just-just men.
A guy I know.
Well, you might want to tell him
it sounds like his wife is gay.
She is not..
She's gay.
Oh, my God.
She is so gay!
I can't believe this.
Good day for married people, huh?
I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
I'm sorry your wife is gay.
I guess women aren't that great, either, huh?
Try telling my wife that.
[instrumental music]
Okay to come in?
Yeah, come in, eat, whatever you want.
Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Yeah, I know. Guess who beeped him.
- What? - I'm the ruptured spleen.
[laughs]
Why would you do that?
Because you shouldn't be with him.
You..
You should be with me.
- Really? - Yeah.
When you were talkin' about Roger
that was killing me.
Look, things like last night
they don't just happen, you know
or at-at least not to me.
And with the other two women..
In the morning, you know, I would just lie there
and I couldn't wait to just go hang out with my friends
but with you..
I was, you know, already with a friend.
Chandler..
And I know you probably, don't wanna
go out with me, you know
'cause I make too many jokes and
I've never been in a serious relationship
and I guess I'm not technically a doctor.
There was just one woman, wasn't there?
No, there were two.
- Including me? - Oh, yeah.
[instrumental music]
♪ It only takes two heart attacks ♪
♪ To finally make you see ♪
♪ One of them won't do it ♪
♪ But the second'll set you free ♪
♪ Tell all your hate and anger ♪
♪ It's time to say goodbye ♪
♪ And that is just what I will do ♪
♪ Soon as those bastards I worked for die ♪
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la ♪♪
[theme music]