Oh! Uh, hey, Rach.
I-I was just coming over here to, uh..
Oh, wait, I don't have to lie to you
you don't live here anymore.
Uh, I'm eatin' their food. What are you doin'?
Ross is on a date with my sister.
They shut the drapes two and a half hours ago.
Wow, I didn't know we could date your sister.
Joey, we know you steal our food.
I'm good.
Oh, are the drapes still closed, honey?
Yeah, and you know who should've shut theirs drapes?
That perverted old couple two doors over.
- Is that a swing? - Oh, don't even ask.
Yuck!
I can't believe Ross is goin' out with Rachel's sister.
When Chandler made out with my sister
I was mad at him for ten years.
That was like five years ago.
Yeah, you got five years left.
- Joey-- - You want to make it six?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Oh, Ross, hey. Hi, how are you? There you are.
Hey.
Can I get a cup of coffee?
So how was your big date last night?
Uh, it was okay.
- Yeah, it-it was fun. - Yeah, it was fun?
- 'Yeah.' - Great.
So, uh, so did you guys hit it off?
I guess so.
So, uh, so did anything happen?
Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes.
No. No. Nothing happened.
I shut the drapes to, uh, show her
slides of my favorite fossils.
Oh, slides!
[chuckles] So..
...so really nothing happened?
Something could've happened.
Alright. She-she really dug my slides.
And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.
My! Was it the, please don't show me
another picture of a trilobite vibe?
Anyway..
If she-if she wasn't into me
why-why would she ask me out again?
- She asked-asked you out again? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Mmm. - Tomorrow night.
- Mmm. - Valentine's Day.
The most romantic day of the year.
Who knows what could happen.
I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides.
- If you know what I mean.. - Okay! Okay! Okay!
I got it, I got it, I got it.
I can't, I can't, I can not go
with the "you and my sister" thing.
Okay, I just can't.
It's just too weird, alright?
I imagine the two of you together.
- I just freak out. - Okay.
It just freaks me out. I can't do it!
- I can't do it. - Yes, yes, it's okay.
[chuckles]
It's okay.
Hey, it's too weird for you.
- I won't see her again. - Thank you. Right, yeah.
- I mean, after tomorrow night. - No! No! No! No, no, please.
- Please, I can't-I can't do it. - Okay, okay, okay!
Hey-hey-hey, okay, okay.
[scoffs] Okay.
I'll-I'll tell her tonight I can't see her anymore.
[sobs] Ross, thanks.
You want me to call her right now?
Oh, no, no, no.
No. I mean, come on, that's-that's crazy.
- I mean, that's crazy. - Mm-hmm.
So, what's-what's goin' on with you?
What is goin' on with you?
Well, um..
Oh, I may be teaching another class this semester.
Yeah, do it now. Call her right now.
- This is my favorite part. - Yeah, me too.
Oh, you know what's sadder than this? "Bambi."
I cried for three days with that movie. No, wait, two.
'Cause on the third day, my mother killed herself
so I was partly crying for that.
Well, see, now, that I can see crying over
but "Bambi" is a cartoon.
You didn't cry when "Bambi's" mother died?
Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped
drawing the deer.
You know, Chandler, there's nothing wrong with crying.
You don't have to be so macho all the time.
I'm not macho.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't know what I was thinkin'.
I guess I just never really cried, you know.
I'm not a crying kind of guy.
Come on, man, there's gotta be something
that gets you choked up, like, uh..
...uh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?
I'd be sad, sure.
But I wouldn't cry.
Okay, uh, what if the puppy said
help me, Chandler.
All the other puppies pick on me.
Cry? I just found a talking puppy. I'm rich!
Oh.
I've got it. I have got it.
Pictures from your childhood.
- Mm-hmm. - This'll get you goin' good.
Oh, alright what's goin' on there?
Oh, that's parents' day. First grade.
That's me with the..
...the janitor, Martin.
- Where are your parents? - Oh, they didn't wanna come.
- Oh, Chandler! - Poor thing.
So, that story doesn't make you cry?
No. Look, I don't cry. It's not a big deal, okay?
No, it's not okay.
It's not okay at all.
You're dead inside!
- Excuse me? - Yeah?
- Are you Phoebe Buffay? - Yeah.
[sighs] Can-can I get your autograph? I'm your biggest fan.
Oh, you're my biggest fan?
I've always wanted to meet you. Hi.
[laughs] Sure. Yeah.
Wow. Wow, thanks a lot.
I just wanna say
I think you're really talented.
You're just saying that 'cause you're my biggest fan.
Joey, listen. Take good care of that guy, okay? He's a fan.
Bye.
So you saw me on "Days of Our Lives," huh?
You want me to.. You want me to do a little
Doctor Drake Ramoray for ya?
I have no idea what you're talkin' about.
But-but I just got Phoebe Buffay's autograph.
Oh. You're Phoebe's fan.
Oh, yeah. I've seen all her movies.
Movies?
That was Phoebe Buffay..
...the porn star.
Nah.
- I don't think so. - No, no, it was.
Hey, she was in, uh, "Sex Toy Story 2.."
"Lawrence of a Labia."
And I got her autograph.
The guys at the comic book store aren't gonna believe this.
Gunther?
Hey, don't let that guy in here anymore.
He just said Phoebe's a porn star.
Well, I wouldn't call her a star
but she's really good.
You should check out "Inspect Her Gadget."
- Hey. - Hey.
You'll never believe what just happened.
Ross just totally blew me off
and he didn't even tell me why.
Oh, well.
You know what, honey, the best thing to do
to get over a guy is to start dating someone else.
Oh! Oh, there is this great guy
you will just love at work, named Bob.
He's a real up-and-comer in human resources.
You know, thanks for trying to cheer me up
but I'm not gonna date some random guy from your work.
Not random. Bob.
[sighs] It's probably because I'm not mature enough
or smart enough
or maybe he doesn't like the way I dress.
Phew! No, that can't be it.
It's really gotta be the smart thing.
Oh, I'm so stupid.
I'm just this, like, incredibly pretty, stupid girl.
No, honey.
Okay. Okay.
You wanna know why Ross canceled the date?
Because I asked him to.
- You asked him to? - Mm-hmm.
- Why? - Because you are my sister.
And Ross and I have this huge history.
I don't understand.
- You wanna go out with Ross? - No.
You don't want him, but you don't want me to have him?
You know, Bob in human resources--
Oh, I can not believe you did this to me.
You had me doubting how smart I was!
You had me doubting my fashion sense.
Oh, this is not that big a deal. You just don't date Ross.
There's a million other guys out there. You--
Hey, you have no right to tell me what to do.
I'm not telling you what to do.
I am telling you what not to do!
Ah, why are you always so jealous of me?
Jill, this is not about me being jealous of you.
This about you being a brat
wantin' what you can't have.
Can't have?
Huh! Excuse me.
The only thing I can't have is dairy!
Alright, alright, well, you just blew
your chances at dating Bob.
- Who? - With human resources!
I am jealous of her?
I mean who does she think she is?
Princess Caroline?
You're jealous of Princess Caroline?
Do I have my own castle?
- Hey. - Hey.
Uh, Phoebe's not here, is she?
No. Oh, great. Did you get a movie?
Uh...yeah. Yeah.
But, uh, I don't think
it's the kind you're gonna like.
You didn't get more movies that are gonna have us reaching
for the tissues all night, did you?
Sort of.
Guys, what's goin' on?
Uh.
Phoebe's a porn star!
- What? - 'Yeah!'
- What are you talkin' about? - 'Here.'
"Phoebe Buffay in Buffay the Vampire Layer."
- Oh, my God! - That's Phoebe.
Where did you get that?
Well, down at the adult video place on Bleecker.
And-and I saw Joey was about to go in
so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him.
And-and then..
[laughs] ...then I pretended..
...that I didn't know he was in there.
Wow. I mean, I just can't, I can't believe this.
You know, I mean, you think you know someone.
Even-even Phoebe, who's always been
somewhat of a question mark.
Hmm.
This is so bizarre.
I guess it kind of makes sense.
You know, she had such a terrible childhood.
I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.
- Yes, but you're dead inside. - Oh, yeah.
Alright, well, I'd better take that back.
What, why? Why?
We can't watch it. I mean, that's Phoebe.
Yeah, you're right. We can't, we shouldn't watch this.
Absolutely not. That goes back.
- You know, maybe a little bit. - Probably just the first half.
No, Hey, no. This is wrong, you guys! Phoebe's our friend!
- What? I'm not gonna watch it. - Yeah!
- Good for you, Joe. - Yeah.
Ah, I thought I'd find
you here, Nosferatool.
Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Actually, I was kind of hoping
it would be the other way around.
Hold on a second, what's that on her ankle?
Her ankle is what you're watching?
Well, it's hard to tell.
Ooh.
Oh, God, if she would just stop moving.
She's just doing her job.
You sick bastards!
Oh, it's a tattoo.
That's weird. Phoebe doesn't--
(female #1) 'Oh.'
Wait, that's Ursula!
That's not Phoebe! That is Ursula!
Wait, wait! I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
- Hey. - 'Oh.'
What's up? Oh, my God! What am I doing?
- Hey, sweetie. - Hey.
"Chicken Soup for the Soul?"
There's no back to this couch.
Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
Yeah, I know but I figured I'd give it a shot, you know?
I mean, maybe one of the stories make me cry
and then you wouldn't think I was, you know, all dead inside.
Aw! That's so sweet.
Look, Chandler, I don't care if you can't cry. I love you.
Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
Stop it.
No, I mean, come on, seriously, think about it
we get married, I'm up at the altar
and I'm like this..
I won't care.
Because I know that you'll be feeling it all in here.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And if, and if we have a baby one day..
...and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room..
...and you don't cry, so what?
And if, and if we take him to college
and we come home, and..
...and we see his empty room for the first time..
...and you got nothin'?
It won't matter to me.
Okay.
Well, I won't, uh, worry about this anymore then.
Yeah, and-and then, you know, if I die..
...from a long illness..
...and you're writing out my eulogy..
...and you open the desk drawer
and you-you find a note from me that says..
...I will always be with you..
...and you still can't shed one tiny tear?
I know you'll be crying a river inside.
- Oh, I love you so much. - What is wrong with you?
- What? - What?
You can't shed a tear for your dead wife?
I mean, I left you a note from the beyond!
So you didn't mean any of that?
No, you robot!
[doorbell dings]
You, damn kids!
You ring my bell one more time and I swear to..
Oh, uh, Jill!
Um, that-that's a little game
I-I play with the kids down the hall.
Um, they've really taken a liking to me.
Uh, what-what's the matter?
[sighs] Rachel and I had a really big fight.
Can I come in?
I mean, I know we're not supposed
to see each other anymore
and I'm okay with that.
It's just that I don't know anybody in this city
and I really need somebody to talk to about it.
Oh, well, of course. What happened?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Okay, um..
But you know what might cheer me up?
What?
Seeing some more of your super cool slides.
- Wow, really? - Totally. I loved them.
And maybe you could finish telling me
about all the different kinds of sand.
Well, I'd love to.
Hey, you-you wait right here
I'll go get the projector and my notes.
Oh, great. Thanks, Ross. You're such a good friend.
Oh.
Hey, have you guys seen Jill? I can't find her anywhere.
- No, I haven't. - Well, is Ross home?
Maybe I'll just call him and see if he's actually seen her.
[gasps]
(Ursula) 'Who is it?'
It's Phoebe.
Phoebe!
- Hey! - Oh, God!
So-so you're making porn movies?
No, I'm not.
(male #1) 'We're still rolling!'
You're making one right now!
'Let's go, Phoebe.'
And-and you're using my name.
Yeah, can I help you with something?
'Phoebe, come on!'
Look, I'm talking right now.
You mean her. Oh.
You know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
What?
Yeah, I could talk them into giving you
like...$30.
No! No way! No!
And stop using my name! And shame on you!
And shame on all of you! You're disgusting!
Especially you, with that!
The slides are almost ready.
Yeah.
Ooh, I know what this is missing..
...alcohol.
Uh, okay, well, there-there's wine in the kitchen.
Oh, great.
[phone ringing]
- Hello? - What is my sister doing there?
And why are the drapes shut?
O-okay. Rach, calm-calm down, okay?
She's-she's really upset. We're just talking.
Ross, I think she's trying to make something happen
with you to get back at me.
Oh, so that's the only reason she could be here, huh?
It couldn't have anything to do with the fact
that-that maybe I'm a good listener
and I, uh, I put on a great slide show!
Ross, I am telling you
she is using you to get back at me.
You know what, I think I can take care of myself.
Alright, I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.
Whoa!
Uh, that-that was your sister, actually.
She.. She thinks you're just using me.
Huh.
So?
- Hey. - Hey.
So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Oh, no, not you too?
Oh, no. I went to pick up Phoebe Buffay's checks.
There were a lot of 'em.
- Nice! - Mm-hmm.
And I won't have to go back there anymore..
...because I gave them my correct address.
That's great, but..
...isn't it gonna bother you
that people still think you're a porn star?
Oh, no, no, I know how to handle it.
- Good. - Yeah.
You trying to figure out where you know me from?
Alright, I'll give you a hint. From porn! Okay?
Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!
- See? - Oh, yeah.
Hey.
You, uh, you may have been right about Jill.
Oh, I knew it! What happened?
Um, she kissed me.
What? You kissed?
Maybe we should give them some privacy--
Shh.
Look, look, I, uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?
Well, it doesn't sound like it.
I mean, it's pretty easy not to kiss someone.
You just don't kiss them.
See? Look at us right now, not kissing!
Let me finish, okay?
She started kissing me
and-and I didn't stop it.
I guess I just wasn't thinking.
Yeah, that's right, you weren't thinkin'.
You know what, let me give you somethin' to think about.
Oh wait, hold it!
But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Oh, well, thank you for taking your tongue out
of my sister's mouth long enough to tell me that.
Look, I-I realized that if anything were to happen
with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us.
- What? - No, I mean, I..
Look, I don't know if anything is ever going to happen
with us...again, ever.
But I don't wanna know that it-it never could.
So I stopped it, and..
...she got mad and broke my projector.
Wow.
I-I don't even know what to say.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[sobbing]
Oh, my God, are-are you crying?
[sobbing] I just don't see why those two can't work things out!
Alright, I'm leaving.
'Cause I'm not gonna spend one more day with someone
who's out to sabotage my every move.
That's you, Rachel.
Yeah, I got that.
And, you!
I throw myself at you and you say no?
How gay are you?
You take care, Jill.
- Okay, see ya. - Buh-bye.
[crying] I can't believe Jill's gone.
[sobbing] I can't help it, I opened a gate!