Okay, Rach, that's muffin and espresso, 4.50.
Ross, double latte, 2.75.
Chandler, coffee and scone, 4.25.
And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25.
So, altogether, that's 12.75.
This coming from the man who couldn't split
our $80 phone bill in half.
- Hi. - Hi.
How much do I owe for the muffin and latte?
No, that's on the house.
Courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.
Oh, great.
Well, tell him thanks.
And since, uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy
maybe we could go on a date sometime.
Well, he's not used to women being so forward
but, uh, I could check with him.
He says, it's okay.
[chuckles]
Great. Thanks. Bye-bye.
Hey, Joey, how come our stuff isn't free?
It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt.
Well, this is great. I'm getting more dates than ever.
Wait a minute, Joey, you're only giving away
free stuff to the pretty girls?
Yeah, that.. Joey, that is so gross.
Mm. How about a scone on the house, baby?
I'm pretty.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, does anyone have any gum?
Oh, I do. One sec.
Oh, here, sorry.
Oh, you know what?
No.
Wait a second.
[plastic bag rustling]
- I know it's in here somewhere. - You know what, I'm good.
- I'm good. Hey! - Hey!
Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?
Uh, they sent me home.
They said I can't work if I'm sick.
(in unison) Aww!
- I'm sorry you're sick. - I'm not sick!
I don't get sick.
Getting sick is for weaklings. It's for pansies.
Honey, no one thinks that you're a pansy.
But...we do think that you need a tissue.
I have not been sick in over three years.
[sneezing]
I'm gonna grab you some tissue.
I-I don't need a tissue!
I'm fine-d!
When you put a D at the end of fine
you're not fine.
I'm fine-d.
I'm fine-d. Oh, God..
You know, it's a really hard word to say.
[knock on door]
- Yes? - Hi. Is Rachel here?
I'm her sister.
Oh, my God! Jill!
- Oh, my God! Rachel! - Hi!
Oh, my God! Introduce us.
- Well, this is Chandler. - Hi.
And you know Monica and Ross.
And that's Phoebe, and that's Joey.
Hey, how you doing?
Don't!
Honey, what are you doing here?
Which-which sister is this?
Is this the spoiled one or the one that bit her?
Daddy cut me off.
Never mind. I got it.
And you know what I said to him?
I said, "I'm gonna hire a lawyer
"and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money
and then I'm gonna cut you off!"
Wow, what did he say?
He said, he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.
And then he told me to come here
and learn about the value of money
from the one daughter he's actually proud of.
[gasps]
Did you hear that?
My dad's proud of me.
- Rach.. - Oh, yeah, sorry.
Okay, honey, so what did you do
that made dad cut you off?
[sighs]
Okay, I bought a boat.
You bought a boat?
Yeah, but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend.
Boy, did we make friends with the wrong sister.
Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing
that could have ever happened to you.
I mean, you've needed to get out on your own anyway.
And, you know, when I did it, I-I..
At first I was scared but then, look at me now.
I am the only daughter that dad is proud of.
[laughing]
Okay, well this is-this is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna get a job.
You're gonna get an apartment.
And then I'll help you, and you can stay with us.
Right, Pheebs? She could stay with us?
Of course, yeah.
Oh, that's so great!
Okay, I'm really gonna do this.
I don't know how to thank you guys.
Oh, I like cars.
[instrumental music]
- Uh, are you all finished here? - Yes.
Great.
Okay, here are the tips for this morning.
- Hmm. - Jen gets $50, $50 for me.
- And Joey owes $8. - What?
For all the free food you gave away.
Well, if it's free food, how come you're charging me for it?
We don't give anything away unless it's someone's birthday.
Mm. Wha-what if they came in third in a modeling contest?
- No. - Hmm.
Sorry, I..
I just had the hardest day.
Some of these are so heavy.
Jill, how did you pay for all this?
I thought your dad took away your credit card.
Oh, please. I memorized those numbers when I was 15.
But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got.
This is my... please-hire-me sweater.
And these are my..
...don't-you-wanna-rent-me this-apartment pants.
I don't think charging new clothes to your dad
qualify as making it on your own.
Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical.
Seriously, I don't think Rachel's
gonna think it's such a good idea.
So who made her queen of the world?
I would love that job!
- Hey! What's going on? - Hey!
Jill!
Did you shop?
No.
They did.
- Yeah, we went shopping! - Yeah, we went shopping!
Yeah!
You went shopping? What?
And then you just came in here
and paraded it right under Jill's nose
when you know she's trying to quit.
Wow, you guys, that's terrible!
- Sorry, Jill. - Sorry, sorry, Jill.
So what'd you get?
Oh, well, alright. I got.. Thank you.
I got, um, this, you know, I-want-a-job sweater.
- Oh! - 'And..'
And then I got, um, these are apartment pants.
Apartment pants?
Yeah! You've never heard of 'em?
No, of course, of course I've heard of 'em.
- Ross, what'd you get? - Huh?
I got...this.
This.
- A pashmina? - Yeah!
[sighs]
Oh, I-I love these babies.
- Really? - 'Mm.'
Ross, what's a pashmina?
It's a rug.
Jill?
[crying] I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm..
Oh, come on. You really think that's gonna work on me?
I invented that.
[sighs] Right!
But I am sorry.
Alright, it's okay. One little setback is okay.
But just don't let it happen again, alright?
Okay.
Now, since daddy paid for all this stuff
I should take it all away.
But I'm just gonna take..
...the-the pashmina.
And the-and the, uh, pants.
You know what, I'm just gonna take it all away
'cause that way, you'll just really learn the lesson, okay?
(Rachel) 'Alrighty.'
Well, I'm gonna run a couple of errands
and I will see you at dinner.
[Jill sighs]
She took all my stuff.
Yeah.
Everything but the little blue one.
Oh! That's the best one!
- Oh, my God. Thank you so much! - Oh! Oh!
Well, hey.
Oh, my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pashmina could be a rug.
Oh, yeah? Well, how about you with your
[imitating Jill] I'm sorry.
Shut up! I wasn't like that at all.
What about-what about when I said, you know
about the apartment pants?
How dumb was I?
[laughing]
Were you this cute in high school?
Oh, stop.
- No, you stop. - No, you stop.
[laughing] You stop.
Okay-okay, why don't I sit here and then you'll both stop it.
[instrumental music]
Okay, so what do you-what do you wanna do?
[panting] Let's do something crazy.
I know. Let's rest and drink lots of fluids.
Okay, I'll rest.
But, you know, if I'm going to bed..
...then you're coming with me.
[sniffling]
See, that would be impossible to resist if you weren't all..
...drippy here.
Are you saying that you don't want to get with this?
Yeah, I don't think you should say that
even when you're healthy.
Oh...come on.
[coughing]
Don't take this personally, okay?
It's just that I just can't have sex with a sick person.
[scoffs] I'm with you, Chandler.
I mean, I can't have sex with a sick person either.
That's disgusting!
But I'm not sick!
Let me prove it to you.
We are two healthy people in the prime of lime.
See, that's the thing, I would like to stay
[babbling] in the prime of lime.
- Hey! What's up? - Hey!
Um...I think there's something you should, maybe know.
Well, it better not be about the apartment pants
because I just pitched the idea to my boss
at Ralph Lauren, and she loved it.
Oh! No, no. It's just..
I was, um..
I was with Ross and Jill after you left
and, um, I'm pretty sure
I saw a little spark between them.
- What? - 'Yeah.'
'I mean, it's probably nothing.'
But I just wanted to warn you
that there might be something there.
- With Ross and Jill? - Yeah.
- With Ross and my sister? - Yeah.
With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?
- Yeah! - Oh, there is no way.
- Okay, then. - Oh, my God!
I cannot believe that!
I mean, I don't really like it when Ross goes out
with anyone, but my sister?
Isn't that like incest or something?
Oh, my God. And they're gonna have sex.
[gasping] Oh, no! What if he marries her too?
Oh, this is just terrible. This is just terrible.
And I can't stop it. I ca.. I don't own Ross, you know?
And Jill, she should be able to do
whatever it is that she wants to do, and..
Oh, my God, I can't believe
Ross is marrying my little sister.
This is just.. Oh, my God.
This is just the worst thing that could've ever happen to me.
But great news about the apartment pants, huh?
[instrumental music]
That'll be 3.85.
[scoffs] What do you mean?
Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff.
It's just.. I can't
because my manager said that I..
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday dear Annie ♪
- Amy. - Amy.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
- Hey! - Hey, that's weird.
- Today is my birthday too. - Yeah! Not in here, it isn't.
Sorry, I'm late. What's up?
Oh! Hi. Uh..
You know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads
on the old job front.
Oh, no, but I just walked past three sales and I didn't go in.
- How strong am I? - Oh.
That is great.
Hey, you know who doesn't have to job-hunt?
Ross. He works at the university.
- Yeah? - Oh, so you know that?
You guys talked about that? So you get along?
So you think you're gonna go out?
[scoffs] Me go out with Ross? No.
God, no. What would make you think that?
I just..
Phoebe...said, you know, she thought
she saw something between you guys.
- No. I mean, he's nice. - Yeah.
He's the kind of guy you're friends with, you know?
But he's not the kinda guy you date.
I mean, he's the kinda guy you date 'cause you did.
But me? Hmm. Not so much.
Oh, no, not so much?
Um, what, what do you-what do you mean?
I mean, is there something wrong with Ross?
Oh! No, no, no. He's just..
I don't know. You know, he's just a little...bookish.
Are you-are you saying he's a geek?
You think so, too?
N-no. Uh, no. Ross is not a geek.
[sighs] Fine! Then let's just say he's not my type.
What? Handsome is not your type?
Smart, kind, good kisser.
What? Those things aren't on your list?
Ross is a great guy. You would be lucky to be with him.
Well, okay, if it means that much to you
then I'll just ask him out.
Oh, no, no. No, no, that's not what I meant.
- I mean-- - No! You know what, Rachel?
You're right.
You know, uh, he has been really nice to me.
Yeah, but he's not your type.
Yeah, but maybe that's a good thing.
You know, I'm doing all these different sorts of things.
Then maybe I should just try dating a geek too.
Yeah, but you don't, you know, you don't wanna try
too much too fast.
You know, I mean, uh, you-you do remember
what happened to the little girl
who tried too much too fast, don't you?
What?
She-she died, Jill.
[instrumental music]
(Monica) 'Chandler!'
Oh, what is it, honey?
You need some tea? Some soup?
Oh, oh-h-h!
Calling, Dr. Big.
Dr. Big to the bed.
Oh, jeez, honey.
I thought-I thought you were asleep.
How could I be asleep
knowing that you... were in the next room?
I was asleep.
Oh, no, no, no, honey.
You know what's sexy? Layers.
- No. - And layers are sexy.
And blankets are sexy.
And, oh, hot water bottles are sexy.
Come on. Get into bed. I wanna prove to you that I'm not sick.
I wanna make you feel as good as I feel.
[sneezing]
Would you please get some rest?
I'm fine.
[coughing]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
- Yeah. - You're paying for that.
What? No-no, no, it's her birthday.
You've sung "Happy Birthday" to 20 different women today.
You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.
Damn it!
- Rach. - Yeah!
- Hi. - Hi.
Did you tell your sister to ask me out?
- Well, yeah. - Oh, wow! I mean, wow.
[laughing]
I-I-I think she's cute, but I-I-I..
I never would've thought of going out with her. Never!
- Really? - Yeah!
But after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?"
Oh, so-so not really never?
I have to say, you are a much bigger person than I am.
I mean, after all we've been through, I just..
You know, I wish I had a brother to reciprocate.
- Oh! - Well..
Hey, if you ever wanna go out with Monica
you have my blessing.
And mine.
Chandler?
I think I'm sick.
Really?
Struck down in the pribe of libe.
Okay, fine, I admit it.
I feel terrible.
Will you please rub this on my chest?
Okay.
No, no, no. You are not getting me this way.
Come on, I really need your help--
No, no, no.
- Fine, I'll rub it on myself. - Okay.
[sighs]
So you're just..
...kind of rubbing it on yourself?
- Yeah. - It's nice.
Are you kidding me? I-is this, is this turning you on?
- Yes. - Well, I can't believe it.
What? Is it-is it the rubbing, or the smell?
It's all very, very good.
Oh!
So you wanna go, uh..
...mix it up?
- Not now, I'm sick. - Oh, come on, you big faker!
What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?
Well, that was before all the vaporizing action.
Okay, if you really wanna have sex--
Okay.
Worked like a charm.
[instrumental music]
Hi.
Wha-what are you doing here?
This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date.
So, what do you think?
Well, I-I don't like it.
- Really? - It's kind of slutty.
It's yours.
Yeah, well, I'm-I'm a slut.
[laughing] Me too.
Ah!
- Hey! - Hi, Jill.
- Hey! - Hi..
- Rachel. - Rachel.
[chuckles]
You-you're not at home. You're-you're-you're right here.
Yeah, I know.
And I bet you thought it would be weird.
But it's not.
[chuckles]
Okay.
So, well, I'll, um..
I'll have her home by midnight.
[all laughing]
[instrumental music]
Why aren't you home yet?
(Monica) 'Is someone there?'
Oh, yeah, it's-it's me.
Sorry.
(Chandler) 'What are you doing here?'
Uh, I'm-I'm just looking at your window..
...at-at the view.
What are you guys doing?
(Chandler) 'We got some vapor rub in some places.'
[Rachel gasps]
Oh! He brought her back to his apartment.
Who?
(Monica) 'Is that your sister?'
Oh! She is a slut.
Oh, my God. Ross is on date with your sister?
How weird is that?
Oh, my God. Look-look he's taking off her clothes!
- He's taking off her coat. - Oh!
(Rachel) 'Oh, this is just terrible.'
Oh, no, it's not. It's not. It's a first date.
I'm sure that nothing is gonna..
[Rachel gasps]
- Oh! - Woo-hoo!
He's gonna get some..
...of the glare..
...from the streetlight out of his apartment.
You know, so, um, he's closed the drapes there
so he can have a nice, pleasant
conversation with your little sister.
Well, I'm off to bed.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]