[instrumental music]
What am I sitting on?
"Top Of The World?"
"Dock Of The Bay?"
I'm out.
Oh, ew, undies, oh!
[Rachel screams]
Alright. Whose are they?
- Whose are they? - Not mine.
Well, they're Joey's. They gotta be Joey's.
- Yeah, they're mine. - See, Joey's.
They're J-J-Joey's.
Why are they here?
I don't know, uh..
Well, I'm Joey.
Yeah, I-I'm disgusting.
I take my underwear off in other people's homes.
Well, get 'em out of here. What's wrong with you?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- 'Take them.' - Oh, I got..
Joey, you can touch them. They're your underwear.
- Chandler, a word? - Yeah.
That's it. I'm tired of covering for you two.
This has gotta stop.
Aah!
And tighty whities?
What are you, eight?
Oh, thank you, Joey. Thank you so much.
Well, hey, no, you're not welcome, okay?
Look, I hate this!
You guys keep embarrassing me.
Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom.
I didn't know what to say so I said it was mine
and, and, and that I was playing a woman in a play.
And, well, one thing led to another and..
Wow, and around the ankles
you know, that is a tough spot.
Yeah, it was. Alright, listen, I can't--
All this lying has been hard on us too.
Oh, yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier.
Well, yeah, actually.
We'll try to be more careful, okay?
It's just that..
...we don't want everyone to know because..
...this is going really well.
And maybe, the reason it's going really well
is, is because it's a secret.
I know it sounds really weird
but we're just both so bad at relationships.
- We are. Help us. - Help..
Alright. But...you do it with me once.
- Joey! - Didn't think so.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Phoebe. - Hi, Pheebs.
- What are you reading? - Um, "Wuthering Heights."
I'm taking a literature class at The New School
and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.
I didn't know you were taking a class. That's so cool.
Yeah, well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took..
...you know, and I just thought this time I'd go for something
you know, a little more intellectual
with a less painful final exam.
- Honey, that sounds like fun. - 'Yeah.'
Oh, you should come with me.
Oh, yeah, then I'll have someone to sit with.
- Okay. - Yay! Okay.
Ooh, but are you gonna have time to read it?
Well, I read that in high school.
Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!
Okay, shh. I have to finish.
- Hi. - Hi.
What's wrong, buddy?
Someone at work ate my sandwich.
Well, what did the police say?
My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich.
I can't believe someone just ate it.
Ross, it's just a sandwich.
Just a sandwich?
Look, I am 30 years old, okay?
I'm gonna be divorced twice, and I just got evicted!
That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life.
Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!
Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for
for one more sandwich.
I mean, I was gonna eat it myself, but..
Mon, that, that would be incredible.
Thank you so much.
I-I-I still can't believe someone ate it.
I mean, look, I-I-I left a note and everything.
"Knock, knock. Who's there?
"Ross Geller's lunch.
"Ross Geller's lunch, who?
Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me, okay?"
I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.
Okay, look, you wanna hold on to your food?
You've gotta scare people off.
I learned that living on the street.
Really? So, so, what would you say, Pheebs?
Stuff like, uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"
Say, Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street
is she surrounded by the entire cast of "Annie?"
Okay, this'll keep them away from your stuff.
- Oh. - Whoa! Whoa!
Phoebe, you are a badass.
Someday, I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop.
- Phoebe? - What? He stabbed me first!
The Bronte Sisters were really remarkable women for their time.
(male #1) 'Th-they lived in a patriarchal society..'
Sorry I'm late, but I left late.
[clears throat] Okay.
So, Pheebs, what is the book about?
I thought you said you read it in high school.
Well, yeah, but then I remembered I started it
and then there was this pep rally
and I was, I was on top of the pyramid.
But anyway.. Uh, what's the book about?
Okay, ahem, it's this tragic love story
between Cathy and Heathcliff.
And, um, it takes place on these, like
really creepy moors in England.
Which I think represent the wildness
of Heathcliff's character.
I totally get symbolism.
How would you characterize the theme of this book?
Uh, let's see... Rachel Green?
[clears throat] Um, well, I would have to say
that it's a, it's a tragic love story.
Well, that's sort of a given, but yes.
- Anyone else? - Oh, oh, oh!
Symbolism.
And, uh, the, the, uh
wildness of the moors
which I think is, is mirrored in the wildness
of Heathcliff's character.
[gasps]
Excellent.
What Rachel has shrewdly observed here.
You completely stole my answer.
Well, I thought that was pretty obvious.
Well, how would you know? You didn't even read it.
What do you think? Uh, you, in the blue shirt.
I think that, um, yours is a question
with many possible answers.
Would you care to venture one?
Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
Alright. Let's move on.
[chuckling] Okay, then.
Why didn't you just say that you hadn't read the book?
Because I didn't want him to think I was stupid.
I mean, that was really embarrassing
what happened to you.
- Phoebe? - Yeah?
Phoebe, your note..
...amazing.
Not only did no one touch my sandwich
but people at work are actually afraid of me.
Yeah, a guy called me mental.
Mental Geller. Yeah.
I've always wanted a cool nickname like that.
Yeah, the best you got in high school
was a Wet Pants Geller.
It was the water fountain, okay?
Anyway..
...people are writing reports for me.
Uh, pushing back deadlines to fit my schedule.
I'm telling you, you get tough with people
and you can get anything you want.
Hey, Tribbiani, give me that coffee, now.
[instrumental music]
This was really fun.
I've been wondering if you were ever gonna ask me out.
So you, uh, still wondering?
No. We just went out.
You're smart. I like that.
[doorknob rattling]
Oh, candles.
What is that, a blanket?
A video camera? Oh, my God!
No, no, no..
I can't believe you thought that
you were gonna videotape us having sex on the first date!
Hi.
Joey, is what she just said, um..
Oh, my God.
You were actually gonna..
What is going on here?
And with Chandler in the next room?
What are you, what are you sick?
I'm Joey.
I mean, I'm disgusting.
I make low-budget adult films.
Huh.
You guys promised you'd be more careful!
I mean, come on, the good Joey name
is being dragged through the mud here!
- We're so sorry. - Yeah.
Well, I'm telling everyone about you.
It's the only way to explain the underwear
and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig!
No, no, wait. There's gotta be a better explanation.
You could tell them that you had to make an adult film
for your... adult film class.
Yeah, I like that, but, no, how does that explain
why Rachel found my underwear at your place?
I don't know.
Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet!
Just wait, please, I promise we'll come up with something.
Just-just give us a little more time.
Alright. Hey!
But it better make me look really, really good.
Oh, and another thing. The video camera?
Nice.
[instrumental music]
Um, Ross...may I have a word with you?
Oh, of course, Donald.
We've been getting reports of some..
...very angry behavior on your part.
- What? - Threatening letters.
Refusal to meet deadlines.
Apparently, people now call you mental.
[chuckling] Yeah.
We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.
Oh, no, you...you don't understand.
Ugh! This is so silly.
Um, this is all just because of a sandwich.
- A sandwich? - Yeah, yeah.
You see, my, my sister makes these
amazing turkey sandwiches.
Her secret is, she puts, uh, an extra slice
of gravy-soaked bread in the middle.
I call it the moist-maker.
Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here--
[chuckling] You know what?
I-I'm sorry. I...I-I believe I ate that.
You ate my sandwich?
Oh, it was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Oh, r-really?
Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich
with a moist-maker?
Do you perhaps remember seeing
a note on top of it?
There may have been a joke or..
...limerick of some kind.
That said, it was my sandwich.
Now, now, calm down.
Come look in my office.
Some of it may still be in the trash.
What?
Well, it was quite large.
I-I-I had to throw most of it away.
You, you, you, you threw my sandwich away?
(Ross) My sandwich?
- Hi. - Hi.
So, um, what's this book about?
You didn't read this one either?
Well, I was gonna, but, I, uh, accidentally
read something else.
- What? - "Vogue."
Okay, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman.
No, you should have read it yourself.
Oh, come on, Phoebe don't be such a goody-goody.
Fine.
Okay, alright. So, Jane Eyre?
First of all, you'd think she's a woman
but she's not, she's a cyborg.
A cyborg? Isn't that like a robot?
Yeah. This book was light years ahead of it's time.
Sorry, I'm late. Let's get started.
So, what did everybody think of Jane Eyre?
Um, Rachel and I were just discussing it
and she actually had some very interesting insights.
Well, go ahead, Rachel.
Um, thank you, Phoebe.
Um, well, what struck me most
when reading Jane Eyre was
uh, how the book was so ahead of its time.
If you're talking about feminism..
...I think you're right.
Yeah, well, feminism, yes
but also the robots.
- Hey. - Hey.
Okay, so, um, since that video camera thing didn't work out
um...I thought that I would give you
just a little preview.
[gasps]
You're naked in this picture.
I know.
Oh, that's Ross.
Ross?
Hey, Chandler.
Monica?
- Ross, are you okay? - I'm fine.
I saw a psychiatrist at work today.
- Why? - On account of my rage.
Which, if I may say right now, is out of control.
He gave me a pill for it.
- A pill? - 'Mm-hmm.'
Well, when the psychiatrist told me
that I had to take a leave of absence
because I yelled at my boss
I started to get worked up again.
So, he offered me a tranquilizer..
...and I thought it was a good idea..
...so I took it.
Wait a minute. They're making you take time off work?
And you're okay with that?
I don't know.
It's gonna be weird not having a job for a while
but I, I definitely don't care about my sandwich.
[chuckling]
Oh, it was just so embarrassing.
I can't believe you just let me go on and on and on like that.
I'm sorry.
It was just so funny when you started comparing
Jane Eyre to Robocop.
That was not funny!
Well, I snapped, okay?
You weren't taking the class seriously.
Phoebe, come on, what is the big deal?
I thought this was gonna be something we could do together.
You know, I thought it would be fun.
Well, yeah, fun is good
but, you know, I also wanted to learn.
You know, people are always talking about
what they learned in high school
and I never went to high school.
Oh.
Oh, so you really wanted to learn?
Yeah, you know, Pheebs, I just wanted to have fun.
[gasps] You know who you should go with?
I know! I know! I know!
Monica, you asked the question.
[instrumental music]
Oh, yeah.
[gasps]
Oh, my God! That's Monica!
Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
You get away from me, you sick, sick, sicko!
What's going on?
Joey has got a secret peephole.
- Oh, no, no, no. - Yes.
He has a naked picture of Monica!
He takes naked pictures of us!
Then he eats chicken and then he looks at them!
- Look. - Whoa, dude, that's my sister.
- Give me that. - Alright, wait, just wait.
Everybody just calm down, okay?
Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain
why he's such a big pervert!
No, I am not a pervert, okay?
It's just, I just kind of--
Oh, look, look.
I think I can explain this.
Thank you.
Joey's a sex addict.
What? No, I'm not!
It's okay. It's good. It's good.
It's a disease.
No, no, I am not a sex addict!
Yes, you are.
That's the only way to explain all this stuff.
No, it isn't. No, it's not.
Because you could also explain it with the truth!
Well, what is the truth?
- Yeah, what, what's up? - Yeah, what's going on?
I slept with Monica.
Well, let's..
...let's see what everybody thinks of that!
Oh, no.
You slept with my sister?
Uh, yes, but it was, we just did it once, uh, in London.
This is not good for my rage.
Monica...is this true?
Of course it's true.
How else would you explain all the weird stuff
that's been going on?
Yes, it's true.
Okay, but, if it only happened that one time
how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day?
Uh...oy!
That was the underwear I was wearing
that night...in London.
Right, Monica?
I guess I wanted to keep it..
...as a souvenir.
My God, Monica.
Are you sure, Joe?
Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?
No, and if anyone's a sex addict here..
...it's Monica.
Yeah. Yeah.
She has been trying to get me back in the sack
ever since London!
So, that's why she gave you
a naked picture of herself.
That makes sense.
- And the video camera? - Uh...Monica?
I guess I set up the video camera
to try and entice Joey.
But sadly, I could not be enticed.
This is unbelievable.
I mean, you really kept Joey's underwear?
Why? Why would you do that?
I'm Monica.
I'm disgusting.
I stalk guys and keep their underpants.
Well, I think we've all learned something
about who's disgusting and who's not.
Huh? Alright.
Now, I'm gonna get back to my bucket.
I'm only eating the skin
so the chicken's up for grabs.
[instrumental music]
I really thought you were making a good point
I mean, you know, until you got cut off.
I know. What's up with that girl Monica?
I don't know. I didn't come with her.
Hey, everybody. Everybody, guess what?
I just convinced Carl to give us a test next week.
- Test? - Test?
Oh, come on. Tests make us all better learners.
Oh, yeah! We should have essay questions!
[theme music]