[giggling]
Are you looking at naked tribeswomen?
No. Look.
That's a pig.
I know, I know, but look at the knobs on it.
- Hey. - Hey.
Emily's cousin kicked me out.
- What? - Why?
Well, when you're subletting an apartment
from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce
sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
Who needs a lease when it's family?
Hey, you could stay with us.
- We'll take care of you. - Yeah, absolutely.
Anything you need, man, but, you have to promise me
you will let us know the second you are feeling better
so that we can make fun of your hair.
Yeah.
- Uh. You got it. Huh. - 'Okay.'
Thanks, you guys, I really appreciate this.
Alright, I'm gonna get packin' again.
Wow, I've been moving around so much lately
I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
[giggling]
- What? - He thought you said "gonad."
[laughing]
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Wow, Monica, if every restaurant were as clean as yours
it'd be a tough time making a living.
[laughs] Oh, Larry.
So, um, do health inspectors work on commission?
No. Bribes.
[laughs]
It's okay to laugh, right?
Yeah. I was just kidding.
Okay. Ha, ha, ha.
I'm gonna check the kitchen floor.
Okay. Knock yourself out, Larry.
- Yum-my. - Larry?
Oh, yeah. I'd let him check out my kitchen floor.
[both laugh]
A 98.
I deducted two points because
you're not wearing your chef's hat
and that is a Section 5 violation.
Oh! Now, look, Larry, honey.
Um, I wrote the book on Section 5
and I know that you don't have to wear your hat
unless you're in the kitchen.
And where is your hat?
It's in the kitchen. I'll go get it.
Ah, there's the two points.
[gasps] Ah.
Hey, you should really read that book you wrote.
Wow.
You saw the hat in the kitchen
and you knew she'd have
to go in there hatless to get it.
You could have your own, you know
health inspector detective show.
Well, I don't know about that.
Yeah, but then I could be your sidekick, Vunda.
Maybe, uh, Vunda could give me her number
and I could ask her to dinner sometime.
Okay, she would love that, you know
since you know all the clean places to eat.
- I-I'll call you. - Okay.
Oh.
He's so funny. Whoa. Oh.
[instrumental music]
- Thanks. - Thank you.
Mon, how's Ross doing?
You know, since all the Emily stuff?
He's not great, but, um
he's dealing with it.
Oh, wait a minute, you're not gonna--
Oh, honey, please, no.
I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again.
I mean, he's gonna be screwed up for a long time.
And besides, you know, I don't, I don't go for guys
right after they get divorced.
Right, you only go for them
five minutes before they get married.
Two pounds of mocha java, please.
It's Danny.
Are you guys ever gonna go out again?
I don't know, he hasn't called me
since that one time we went out.
I see him in the hallway, we flirt.
I'm all "Ha, ha, ha", and nothing.
- Hey. - Hi, Danny.
Wow. Thirsty, huh?
Uh, actu-actually, I'm having a party
at my place on Saturday.
Sort of a housewarming kinda thing.
- Oh, fun. - Oh, great.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
- 'Yeah.' - Okay, see you.
Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.
Oh! Ha, ha, okay. Alright.
I see what he's doin'.
He's not asking me out
because he wants me to ask him out.
And you're not gonna do that?
That's right.
Because that would give him the control.
So now he's all, ooh, coming up with this whole
"I've got a party" thing, you know, trying to get me
to hint around for an invitation.
Blew up in his face, didn't it?
[laughs]
- So, so, there is no party? - Oh, no.
There's a party.
There's a party, but the power..
...that is still up for grabs.
You follow me?
I think so.
So, he-he's not inviting you to his party
because he likes you.
Exactly.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct]
Ross?
- Hey, roomies. - 'Hey.'
Love what you've done with the place.
Uh! Yeah, I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes
but again, I-I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.
Not a problem, and listen
hey, since you're gonna be here for a while
well, I was thinking we, uh, put your name
on the answering machine.
Oh, yeah.
Oh. I, uh, hope you don't mind
but I kind of already jazzed it up a little.
Check it out.
["We Will Rock you" playing]
♪ We will we will call you back ♪♪
- Hey. - Yeah, alright.
- Pretty cool, huh? - 'Ooh, yes.'
[laughing]
You're fake laughing too, right?
Oh, the tears are real.
[instrumental music]
You look beautiful this evening.
[chuckles]
Show me the badge again.
[giggling]
Shiny.
Oh, you mind if I wash up
'cause I came straight from work
and who knows where these babies have been?
[laughing] You are just nonstop.
- We're outta here. - W-why?
Just walking past the kitchen
I saw ten violations.
I am shutting this place down.
You have the power to do that?
This does.
Shut it down.
[instrumental music]
Hey.
What're you doin'?
Nothin'.
You built a fort, didn't ya?
Kinda.
Oh, my God, the air purifier. Ross' air purifier.
All I heard for four years through college was..
[imitates whirring]
Dude, you should have gone out once in a while.
- I hate this thing. - 'Come on, Chandler.'
Ross is our friend, okay? He needs us right now.
So, why don't you be a grown-up
and come watch some TV in the fort?
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Oh. Hi, Danny.
Hey, guys, uh, just wanted to invite you
to the party tomorrow night.
Oh, thanks. I'll try to stop by.
Yeah, actually, I think, ahem, I'm gonna be busy.
You are?
Yeah.
Remember, I've got that, uh, gala?
What? What-what's the gala for?
Uh, it's a, um, it's a, it's a regatta gala.
Really? You-you sail?
No. No, but I support it.
Okay. Well, hope I see you tomorrow night.
- 'Okay.' - Take care.
Okay.
Walked right into that one, didn't he?
What one?
You-you-you wanted him to invite you to the party and he did.
Yeah, but he waited until the last minute.
So if I said yes, he would know
that I had nothing better to do than wait around
for an invitation to his stupid party.
I said no, which puts me
right back in the driver's seat.
Right.
So, the ball is in his court?
Ball? No, there's no ball.
[rhythmic tapping]
- Joey, please. Huh. - Sorry.
[screeching]
[screaming]
Hello, children.
Hey. Wanna play some foosball?
Please?
- Okay. - No, no. No.
We had to move the table into my room, yeah
because of all the boxes.
Come on.
Alright, I have one question.
What is the deal with this?
Bye-bye, little puppet-Joey hand?
No, no, the "Quiet down" thing.
Oh, you mean this.
Mm! Mm!
Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Did you know he taped over my "Baywatch" tape
with some show about bugs?
My God.
- What if that had been porn? - Ho!
Alright, look, you know
this may be tough, but come on, it's Ross.
I survived college with him.
Alright. I guess I can hold out a little longer.
- Let's have a game. - Okay.
[indistinct]
No, no, no.
Yes!
[laughing]
Uh, fellas?
[door closes]
- Okay, so he's out of here. - 'Mm.'
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
You guys got anything to eat?
I just went down to Johnos
for some chicken, and it was closed.
Oh, I took Larry there to eat, but it was all violated
so we shut it down.
Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down
all our favorite places, where we gonna eat?
I don't know, clean places?
Mm. Yum.
[knocking on door]
- It's Danny. - Don't let him in.
I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.
We'll be right there.
Can't you just say it starts later?
What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?
The fake kind.
Hey, um, I need a ladle. You-you got a ladle?
- I've a ladle. - Right.
Thanks. See you at the party.
Okay. Great.
Hey, you guys, you know what Larry would say?
He'd say, "See you ladle."
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Well, I-I'm done with this.
You want anything, Ross? Uh, sports? International?
- Apartment listings? - Uh, I'll take sports.
Mine.
Alright. Uh, international.
Oh, that's mine, too.
I'm Italian.
Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings
even though there's never anything in here.
Not even on page seven?
Oh, yeah. You're.. Hey, you're right.
Oh, here's an affordable place.
Two bedroom, close to work.
Ooh, it's available in five weeks.
What about that circled one?
Oh, I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.
But it's available now, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Hey, let's go look at it. Huh.
Okay, let's go.
There we go. Hey, hey!
Oh-oh-oh. Uh, hey, guys
I was wondering if you would, uh
maybe chip in for some new air filters for the purifier?
I mean, after all, we are all using it.
- Let's go quicker. - Yeah.
[instrumental music]
[whistles]
- Oh, my God. - Mm.
Hey, look at this kitchen slash bathroom.
That's great, you know, so, you can cook while in the tub.
Somebody was using his head.
Hey, let's-let's, uh, check out the rest of the place.
I think this is it.
I don't know. Maybe we should keep looking.
But, hey, Ross, this place is available now.
Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us
for the next five weeks.
Yeah.
So, you-you think I should go ahead
and take this place?
Oh, it's perfect.
How about you?
It's with a kitchen slash bathroom.
Uh, I see what you guys are saying.
I'll, uh, I'll go downstairs
fill out an application.
[sighs] We are bad people.
He knew we were trying to get rid of him.
'He knew.'
You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?
[instrumental music]
Hey, you ready for dinner?
- Ooh, absolutely. - Great.
And you want to go to the Italian place down
on Bleecker Street, right?
Ooh, I love that place.
So, no.
Oh, how about Mama Lezotti's?
Ugh.
Sure.
I don't know how long that milk has been sitting out.
Oh, no. No, this place is totally healthy.
That, this milk is mine.
I bought this today 'cause I was thirsty for milk, you know.
Hm-mm.
Okay, let's go.
Hey, buddy.
You familiar with the, uh, Section 11B of the health code
that requires all refuse material
to be taken out of the back exit?
Uh, but, then I'd have to go
all the way around the dry cleaner place.
Oh, so you're saying that you choose
convenience over health?
Okay, stop, Larry..
Okay, can't you just be Larry
and not Larry the health inspector guy?
You know, I mean, it was really exciting
at first, but now, it's like
okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?
Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.
Thank you.
Okay. Go, go, go!
Uff! Now, if, after dinner, you still, like
really need to bust someone
I know a hot-dog vendor who picks his nose.
[chuckles]
[instrumental music]
Maybe...maybe we did a good thing
helpin' Ross get back on his feet.
- Yes, that was a nice place. - Yeah.
Not a lotta closet space
but he could just hang his stuff
out the window in a bag.
Yeah.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Maybe pizza?
- About Ross. - Oh, I..
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Oh. Yeah.
It's the apartment manager.
Ross put us down as references.
Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet.
Yeah, he's very reliable..
Of course, he has a big, huge dog..
...that, uh, barks into the night.
Well, who doesn't love dogs?
Uh, he's a tap dancer.
Yes, some would say that is a lost art.
He's a pimp.
There you go. Yes, he's a pimp.
He's a big, tap dancing pimp.
Hello?
Oh.
[Smash Mouth singing "Every Word Means No"]
♪ Watchin' ♪
♪ For a sound to lead me to ♪
♪ Wherever you go.. ♪♪
This is never gonna work. He's right there.
Just go over and say hi.
No, I have to go downstairs, come back up
as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala.
Okay? So, just go distract him.
But don't be sexy.
Ooh!
- Hey, Danny. - Hey
- Hey. - What's goin' on?
Oh, it's a great party.
- Great food. - Yeah.
Uh! You know, most parties, it's, it's all chips and salsa
chips and salsa.
[chuckles]
So, uh...what's this?
- Salad. - Ooh.
And, uh, wh-what's this?
Bread.
Aren't you, aren't you a chef?
[chuckles]
- Oh. - Hey, Rachel.
Hey. Oh, right.
Tonight was your party.
Oh, my God, you look great.
Well, I'm-I'm glad you could make it.
Oh, yeah, well, you know, the gala had to end sometime.
Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back.
- Yeah, sure. - Alright?
Alright, whose court's the ball in now?
I th-I thought there wasn't a ball.
Oh, come on. He's glad that I came.
He doesn't want me to go anywhere.
Balls flying all over the place.
Rachel, this is my friend, Tom.
This is the girl I told you about.
Oh, come on, you're telling people about me.
I think you two could really hit it off.
I'm gonna go mingle.
So, you work at Bloomingdale's, huh?
My mom calls it Bloomies.
Oh, ha! Yeah.
Okay. At ease, soldier.
[laughs]
- I'm sorry? - Yeah, it's alright.
You can just drop the act, Tommy.
I know what's going on here.
You're Danny's wingman, right?
You guys are best buds.
Frat bros.
I'm gonna go talk to a friend.
Yeah, yeah. You, you go talk to your friend.
Go tell him, "Nice try."
Man, you know, he just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep
knocking them right outta the park.
- I think I need a drink. - Yeah.
[instrumental music]
Ninety eight, ninety nine
one hundred.
Okay. Go.
Dude, I'm telling you, I'm fine.
Here we go. Here we go.
- 'Hey.' - Hey.
So, I, uh, I didn't get that apartment.
Some problem with my application.
- You're kidding! - You're kidding! No!
Yeah, but the good news is, Phoebe said I could stay
at her place for a while, so..
Well, you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross.
We-we-we're roomies.
Look, you guys don't need me here
taking up all your space.
Well, we got plenty of space.
There's still some over there by-by that speaker.
- Please, just stay. - Yeah.
Are you guys sure about this?
- Definitely, yes. - Yes.
Ross, you have to stay.
- Alright. - Alright, buddy.
So I'm a pimp, huh?
It's okay.
Look, I know sometimes I can be a pain in the ass
but you just have to talk to me.
Tell me if something's bothering you, okay?
And for my part, I'll really do everything I can
to keep my annoying habits, you know, just..
[instrumental music]
Well, I see you've had a very productive day.
Don't you think the cowboy hat's a little much?
Come on, it's fun.
Alright.
Isn't this a woman's hat?
Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea.