[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
(Monica) 'Come in.'
'I've been waiting for you.'
Hi, I just..
[Rachel screams] 'My God!'
Oh, my God! Monica!
- Oh, my God. - Okay. I'm sorry.
Sorry, I-I was, uh..
...I was taking a nap.
Since when do you take naps in that position?
Oh, God, Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy.
Please tell me you were waiting for a guy.
Yes. Yes, I was.
A guy..
...from work.
I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!
[gasps]
That cute waiter guy from your restaurant.
The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?
Uh-huh! That one.
You know what? I-I.. Just give me a second.
I'll be outta your hair.
I'm just gonna grab a jacket.
When I get back..
...I want every little detail.
[knocking on door]
Maybe that's him.
Okay, um.. Okay.
Um..
It's just Joey and Ross.
Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Well, we were, but Ross was talking
so loud on his phone, they threw us out.
I had to talk loud because the movie was loud.
- He's talking to London. - Oh, my God.
Did he get in touch with Emily?
Well, no, not yet, he's calling everyone
on her side of the family hopin' that someone
will help him get in touch with her.
I-I don't care if I said
some other girl's name
you prissy old twit!
Ross, way to suck up to the family.
[laughs]
I'm so glad you guys are all here.
My office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - 'Oh, no, no, no!'
No, no. Vomit tux. No, no. Vomit tux.
Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.
"Vomit tux?"
Who vomited on..
You know what?
What you up to, Joe?
Well, they're doing this, uh, telethon thing on TV.
And my agent got me a job as co-host!
- Oh, that's great! - Yeah.
A little, uh, good deed for PBS
plus some TV exposure.
Now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do.
Ugh, PBS.
- What's wrong with PBS? - Uh, what's right with them?
Why don't you like PBS, Pheebs?
'Cause right after my mom killed herself
I was just in this really bad place
you know, personally.
So...I just thought that it'd make me
feel better if I wrote to "Sesame Street"
'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid.
No one ever wrote back.
Well, you know, a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.
All I got was a lousy keychain.
And by that time, I was living in a box.
I didn't have keys.
I'm sorry, Pheebs, I just, you know
I just wanted to do a good deed like
like you did with the babies.
This isn't a good deed.
You just wanna get on TV. This is totally selfish.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!
What about you having those babies for your brother?
Talk about selfish.
What? What are you talking about?
Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all
but it made you feel really good, right?
Yeah, so?
Well, it made you feel good
so that makes it selfish.
Look, there's no unselfish good deed. Sorry.
Yes, there are.
There are totally good deeds
that are selfless.
Well, may I ask for one example?
Yeah, it's.. You know, there's..
No, you may not.
That's because all people are selfish.
Are you calling me selfish?
Are you calling you people?
Yeah, well, sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs
but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay?
And you know the deal on Santa Claus, right?
I'm gonna find a selfless good deed.
I'm going to beat you, you evil genius.
[phone ringing]
- Hello. - Hello, Ross?
Emily? Em.. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! It's Emily, everyone!
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Hi.
Ross, I'm only ringing to say
stop harassing my relatives. Goodbye.
No, wait. Wait, look, okay, okay.
You can hang up, but I-I'm gonna keep calling.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England
if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me.
[sighs] Really? About what?
Look, you're-you're my wife. We're-we're married.
You know? I-I love you.
I...I really miss you.
I miss you too. Well, at least, I think I do.
[whispering] She's talking.
[all cheering]
Hey, Joey, when you said
"The deal with Santa Claus," you meant..
That he doesn't exist.
- Right. - Cool.
So, Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?
Uh, y-yeah, she, uh, she, uh, she might have mentioned him.
Yeah.
So, Mon, when are we gonna meet this, uh..
...new secret waiter man?
Oh, he's really shy.
I-I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
I don't care, I wanna meet this guy
who's the best sex she ever had.
Really?
That's what you heard? You said that?
I might have said that.
[laughs]
Why is that funny?
Because I'm very happy for him.
And you, you lucky dog.
- Hi. - 'Hey.'
Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
- That's great! - Yes!
- In London. - What?
She wants me to move to London.
But you live here.
You know that.
W-what? What are you gonna do?
I bet if I talked to Carol and Susan
I could convince them to move to London with Ben.
Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife would be more than happy
to move to another country so you can patch things up
with your new wife.
It could happen.
[instrumental music]
How you doin'? Welcome. Good to see you.
This'll be your phone.
That's great, but, uh..
...I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.
No, you answer it and take pledges.
- But I'm the host. - No, Gary Collins is the host.
You'll be answering the phone.
You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Well, here's your phone, doctor.
I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed.
You know that really old guy that lives next door to me?
Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up
all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me.
And he, like, force-fed me cider and cookies.
Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass.
Then maybe Joey's right.
Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
I will find a selfless good deed.
Because I just gave birth to three children
and I will not let them be raised in a world
where Joey is right.
- Hey, Monica. - 'Mm-hmm?'
Can I ask you a cooking question?
Sure.
If you're cooking on the stove..
...does that mean that your new secret boyfriend
is better in bed than Richard?
Chandler.
Is he?
You know what, I-I think I'm going to respect the privacy
of my new secret boyfriend.
W-why?
I mean, if this guy was me
and it was me who had learned that it was me
who was the best you'd ever had..
...I'd be going like this.
[instrumental music]
Alright, Emily, as much as I love you..
...I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben.
I understand that would be difficult.
Would you please consider moving here?
I mean, you were gonna move here anyway.
(Ross on phone) 'Why can't you just do that?'
Uh, I don't know. It's just..
O-okay, okay, but, but...I know..
...that even though I've been a-a complete idiot
up till now, I-I mean..
...y-y-you have to come here. You have to.
'So we can work this out together.'
Alright.
A-alright? Did you just say, "alright?"
I did. Now I'm the idiot.
Ah, Emily, that is, that's so great.
It-it's gonna be so great, we're gonna be like
like, like two idiots in love.
[chuckles]
Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.
Yes, tell me.
You have to understand how humiliating it was
for me up on the altar in front of my entire family
all my friends.
I know. I am, I am so sorry.
And then, after deciding to forgive you..
...seeing you at the airport, catching our plane with her..
Again, very sorry.
I mean, I-I can't be in the same room as her.
It drives me mad just thinking of you
being in the same room as her.
Emily, there is nothing
between Rachel and me.
'Okay? I love you.'
Alright.
I'll come to New York, and we'll try to make this work.
Ah! That is so great! That's-that's--
As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.
[instrumental music]
So I asked Emily if she would come to New York.
And she said yes.
- Yes! - No. No. No!
Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.
- Hey! - 'What? You can't, uh..'
What did you tell her?
I told her I'd have to think about it.
I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make
this kind of a decision?
I'm actually asking you.
Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore.
She's one of your best friends.
(Phoebe) 'Yeah.'
But he can't exactly not see Emily.
- I mean, that's his wife. - That's true.
Yeah, right.
(Phoebe) 'Yeah, but..'
...you've known Rachel since high school
and you cannot just cut her out of your life.
- That's true. - 'No, you cannot.'
Thanks for the help. Problem solved.
[telephone rings]
- Hello. - Hey, Mon.
Oh, hey, Joey. Oh, we've been watching all day.
When are you gonna be on TV?
See, there was kind of a mix-up in my agent's office
but I'm still on TV, and that's good exposure.
(Monica) 'You're not on TV.'
Oh, uh, okay.
H-how, how about now?
(Monica) 'Oh.'
Yeah! There he is! There he is.
(Joey on TV) 'Hello, New York!'
Maybe you just might wanna put the whole duck right in there.
Who cares, you know?
'Now I got the legs.'
[screams]
How many times have I told you guys
to never watch the cooking channel?
- Hi, Chandler. - Hey.
Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan
that Joey borrowed the other day.
- Oh, that was yours? - 'Mm-hmm.'
Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was
throwing up caterpillars.
Williams-Sonoma, fall catalog, page 27.
Expect it in four to six weeks.
Um, hey, uh, Joey's gonna be at the telethon
for the rest of the day and..
...we have the whole place to ourselves.
Yeah, so?
Well, I just thought maybe you'd wanna..
...book some time with the best you've ever had.
You know what, champ?
I think I'll pass.
- Why? - Why?
What's your point?
[telephone ringing]
PBS Telethon.
Hey, Joey.
I just wanted to let you know
that I found a selfless good deed.
I went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.
What? What good is that gonna do anybody?
Well, it helps the bee look tough
in front of his bee friends.
The bee is happy, and I am definitely not.
Now, you know, the bee probably died after he stung you.
Damn it!
Back on in 30 seconds, people!
Hey, excuse me.
Would you mind switching with me? I'm just--
No way. I'm in the shot, man.
Come on, man. You've been here all day.
Hey, I'm-I'm taking pledges here, right?
And we're on in three, two..
Welcome back to our fall telethon.
Now, if you've been enjoying the performance
of Cirque duSoleil, and you'd like to see
more of the same kind of programming
it's very simple.
All you have to do is call in a pledge
and at that time tell the operator
one of our volunteers
what type of programming you..
[clattering]
Okay. That's it.
I cannot make this decision. It is too difficult.
So I'm just gonna leave it entirely up to the Gods of fate.
A Magic 8-Ball? You can't be serious.
You can't make this decision with a toy.
Oh, it's not a toy.
Well, I don't know what else to do.
I mean, I either keep my wife
and lose one of my-my best friends
or I keep my friend and get divorced
for the second time before I'm 30.
So, so, if anyone else has, has a better suggestion
let's hear it, because I-I got nothin'!
Alright, don't be shy.
Any suggestion will do.
Okay, then.
Here we go.
Magic 8-Ball..
...should I never see Rachel again?
"Ask again later."
Later is not good enough.
"Ask again later." What the hell?
This is broken! It-it is broken!
Alright.
Let me see.
Will Chandler have sex tonight?
"Don't count on it."
Seems like it works to me.
[telephone ringing]
PBS Telethon.
- 'Hi, Joey.' - Hey, Pheebs.
I would like to make a pledge.
I would like to donate $200.
Two hundred dollars? You sure, Pheebs?
I mean, after what "Sesame Street" did to you?
Oh, I'm still mad at them, but I also know
that they bring happiness to lots of kids
whose moms didn't kill themselves.
You know, so by supporting them
I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it.
So, there, a selfless good deed.
And you don't feel a little good about donating the money?
No, it sucks.
I was saving up to buy a hamster.
A hamster? What, those things are, like, ten bucks.
Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.
It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total.
Thank you, viewers!
And the pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers.
Oh, boy. And may I say, one of our sharpest dressed volunteers.
Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!
Oh, look, look, Joey's on TV!
Isn't that great?
Hey, my pledge got Joey on TV!
Oh! That makes me feel so..
Oh, no!
[instrumental music]
Look...maybe I got carried away before
but there's something you gotta know.
If I'm the best..
...it's only because you made me the best.
Keep talkin'.
I mean, I was nothing before you.
Call the other girls and ask.
Which wouldn't take long.
But when I'm with you, and we're together..
...oh...my...God.
- Really? - Oh, oh, my God.
Now, I understand if you never wanna sleep with me again.
But that would be wrong.
We're too good.
We owe it...to sex!
Well, if we owe it.
Oh!
Oh, my.
When is Joey gonna be home?
Well, I was kind of hoping we could do this without him.
Oh, no, no, no. Leave the gloves on.
But I just cleaned the bathroom.
Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.
Yeah.
Alright.
Let's show 'em how it's done.
Okay. Ow!
You know, that wasn't part of it.
I know.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Hi. You ready?
You know, we're.. We're going to be late.
- For what? - For Stella, remember?
She's getting her groove back in, like, 20 minutes.
Yeah, I, uh, totally forgot about that.
Do you...do you mind if I take a rain check?
I'm waiting for a call from Emily.
Well...sure, I guess.
Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London.
Yay.
It's not that easy, there's still a lot of, uh..
...relationship stuff.
Like what?
Just stuff.
You know, uh, kind of what Emily wants.
Well, why don't you talk to me about it? Maybe I can help.
No, no, you... you can't help.
I mean...I kinda have to do this without your help.
Well, I...I know you can do that too.
I'm-I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to..
Hi.
Thanks.
Ross.
Look, whatever this relationship stuff is that Emily wants..
...just give it to her.
Come on, the bottom line is that you love her.
So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it.
[telephone rings]
I mean, you're gonna have to try.
You'll just hate yourself if you don't.
[ringing continues]
Oh, come on, answer it! It's driving me crazy.
Hello.
Hi, sweetie.
Good.
Look, uh..
Yes, I've been... been thinking about..
...that thing you, you wanted me to do
and, uh..
...I can do it.
So, will you come to New York?
[whispers] What?
[whispers] Yay.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
- Never done that before. - Nope.
[music continues]