- Hi. - Hi.
Hi. Yeah, hi. I'm, um, Phoebe Buffay.
And I have babies coming out of me.
Okay. Have you started having contractions?
Not yet. Um, I heard they really hurt. Do they hurt?
- Well.. - Oh, my God.
- It's okay. - It's okay.
Now, which of you is the father?
Um, no, none of them are the father.
The father is my brother.
Okay.
I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that.
(Joey) 'Okay, uh, Pheebs, look, look.'
This is for the babies to look at someday
so is-is there anything you want to say
you know, before it all starts?
Oh, okay. Um..
Hi, kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe.
Can't wait to see you.
Please don't hurt me.
- Oh. - Hey.
- Hey! - What took you guys so long?
Your cab left when ours did.
Well, we-we had to go back 'cause I forgot my jacket.
That's right.
You-you're not wearin' a jacket.
Oh, man! I did it again!
Okay, so, um, we have.. Someone has to call Frank and Alice.
And then my mom might..
Joey, what are you doing?
I've got to get the before shot.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hi, Pheebs. Okay, so we just spoke to the nurse.
And the reason that your doctor is late
is because, uh, she's not coming.
What?
Apparently she fell in the shower
and hit her head.
Oh, my God. She's so stupid!
Well, Pheebs, Pheebs it's gonna be okay.
That's easy for you to say.
I don't see three kids
coming out of your vagina.
Honey, listen, you know what?
The nurse said that the doctor is wonderful.
Yeah, he's the head of the department.
Uh, alright. Oh.
- Oh, dear God, save me. - What?
I'm having my first contraction.
- Oh. - Oh.
- Oh, it's not bad. - Okay.
Oh, and so the miracle of birth begins.
[shouting] And I..
Hey, are you okay?
Whoa, somethin' hurts.
Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Oh, that's so sweet.
Are they? I didn't know I cared that much.
- Hello. Hi. - Oh, hi.
Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad.
I'm gonna be delivering your babies.
Now, I want you to know you're gonna be in good hands.
I've been doing this for a long time.
I'll be back in a minute to do your internal.
And in the meantime, just relax
'because everything here looks great.'
And also, I love Fonzie.
Did he just say he loves Fonzie?
That's what it sounded like.
Alright.
(all) Hey!
Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?
No, no, no, we haven't started yet. Where's Alice?
Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though.
So until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach.
But don't worry, she told me all about the LaMazda stuff.
Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end
of the month, they give you two percent financing.
Yeah.
[instrumental music]
Monica, you're gonna be very proud of me.
I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.
Oh, my.
They're male nurses.
[chuckles] Not in my head.
Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night.
'What do you say?'
Um, uh...um..
- I don't think so. - 'What?'
What are you talking about?
You're, you're the one who's been telling me
to get over Ross and move on.
I'm moving on and you're moving on with me.
Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go?
Oh, um..
Why don't you give me something that would be a good reason
and-and then I'll tell you if it's true.
What?
Harder than it sounds, isn't it?
Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them
that if we're still here when they get off
that we'll go down to the cafeteria
and get some Jell-O with them.
Yep, there's always room for Jell-O.
Joey, how do you make that dirty?
Uh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch, uh..
Grandma's chicken salad.
[instrumental music]
Ross!
Get a shot of this.
Hey, babies, these are the headlines
on the day you were born.
Okay, now, girl baby, turn away.
And boy babies..
...check it out, huh?
This is what naked women
looked like the month you were born.
Alright, now let's dive right into the good stuff.
Oh, okay, I'm having another one.
This one doesn't hurt eith..
Ooh, yes, it does! Ow.
Ow, ow! Ow!
Ooh!
Ooh, I was kinda hoping that was it.
Hey, where are Monica and Rachel, anyway?
Oh, a-a couple of nurses asked them out.
Maybe they're with them..
Really? Male nurses?
Yeah. I was bummed too.
So they're goin' on dates?
- When? - I think Saturday.
[screaming]
- What's with him? - Um, sympathy pains.
I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think
he's just trying to steal my thunder.
- Okay. - Okay.
(Harad) 'Let's see what we got here.'
Oh, you know
Fonzie dated triplets.
This, this Fonzie person you keep referring to
is that, uh, is that a-another doctor?
Oh, no, no.
Fonzie is the nickname
of Arthur Fonzarelli.
The Fonz.
Alright.
[door opens and closes]
It's not that weird, is it?
It's very weird.
I don't want some guy down there
telling me I'm, you know, dilated-a-mundo.
To be fair, he doesn't seem to be impersonating Fonzie--
What are you doing?
Why are you defending him? Just get me another doctor.
One who is not crazy and is not Fonzie!
- Again, it's not that he-- - Ah! Ah!
[instrumental music]
Oh, hey, there, there you are.
Um, listen, I-I think there's something that you should know.
Oh, is this about you, you dating the nurse?
Yeah, yeah, Joey already told me.
And I am so, so fine.
I mean, you and I, we're just, you know, we're nothing.
We're-we're just goofin' around.
Um, actually I was about to tell you
that I was, I was going to get out of it.
But, um, hey, if we're just "goofin' around"
then, uh, maybe I will go out with him.
Fine. Maybe I will too.
Hey, you guys, look what I found in the gi-i-ift shop..
[grunts] Oh! Oh. Get up! Get up! Get up!
Ah!
- Okay, Pheebs? - 'Yeah.'
This is Dr. Oberman.
He has no strong feelings about Fonzie
or any of the "Happy Days" gang.
Hi, and you're going into what grade?
I'm actually a first-year resident, but I get that a lot.
- You see, I graduated early. - Uh-huh. Me too.
Ross..
...maybe I should have specified
that I'd be needing a grown-up doctor.
Oh, no, really, I'm fully qualified--
Shh, Doogie. Shh.
Doesn't anybody understand that I'm going to be having
babies soon?
Huh?
Go! Go, little boy! Go!
Oh, cool. You made him cry.
[instrumental music]
Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid
you've got kidney stones.
Uh, well, w-what else could it be?
It's kidney stones.
- Or.. - Kidney stones.
Alright, you're gettin' there.
Oh, you know, these babies are very, very lucky.
They are? Why?
They have the honor of being born
on the Fonz's half-birthday.
Happy birthday.
And just-just to clarify..
...I'm not Fonzie.
Yeah..
Honey, you know, I just gotta tell you
I think this is such a terrific thing
that you're having these babies
for Frank and Alice.
- I know, it is. - Yeah.
Can I tell you a little secret?
Yeah.
I want to keep one.
Oh, I'm gonna be on the news.
Okay, Phoebe, honey, you've gotta be kidding.
I mean, you know you can't keep one of these babies.
Why not? Maybe I can. You don't know.
Well, yes, yes, yes, I do, I do know.
Frank and Alice are gonna wanna keep
all of their children.
Maybe not...you know?
Seriously, three babies are a handful.
Maybe they're, you know, looking for a chance
to unload one of them.
Listen, I'd-I'd hate to miss an opportunity
just 'cause I didn't ask, you know.
Phoebe, no. This is, this is insane.
Oh, just ask him.
Wha..
- Me? - I can't ask him.
Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?
All I'm saying is, just talk to Frank, okay?
Just, you know, feel him out.
No, forget it, I'm not gonna ask Frank
to give you one of his kids.
You're right.
[sighs]
Tell him it's for you.
Feeling a little better, sweetie?
Yeah, maybe a little.
Wish you hadn't seen me throw up.
Me too.
Hey. I just heard.
- What's up? - Kidney stones.
Now, ordinarily, Mr. Tribbiani
we try to break the stones up with shock waves.
But they're too close to the bladder now.
Which means, we can either wait for you to pass them
or else, go up the urethra--
Whoa, whoa!
No, no, no.
Nothin' is going up, okay?
Up, up is not an option.
What's a urethra?
Are you crazy?
[instrumental music]
So, did you ask him?
No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet.
Well, I'm kinda on a clock here.
[Harad laughing]
Oh, Fonzie.
You know who I always liked?
Mork.
Undo it. Undo it. Undo it.
Fonzie met Mork.
Mork froze Fonzie.
Yeah, um..
Yes, but..
...Fonzie was already cool.
So he wasn't hurt.
Right?
Yeah, that's right.
- Hey. - 'Hi.'
- How you doin'? - Okay.
Doctor says any minute now.
Hey, you know..
...Alice is gonna be here so soon.
You couldn't just, like, do me a favor and, like..
...like-like, hold them in?
Sorry, Frank, I'm kinda in the middle
of the last favor you asked me to do.
- Hey. - Hi!
- Rachel. - Uh, Monica, this is Dan.
One of the guys that we're gonna be goin' out with on Saturday.
Uh, Dan, Monica.
Nice to meet you.
Hello, Dan.
I'm really lookin' forward to Saturday night.
Really! Really!
So, Dan..
Nurse, not a doctor, huh?
Kinda girlie, isn't it?
- Chandler. - Nah, that's okay.
I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.
Oh.
And it didn't feel so "girlie" during the Gulf War.
Sure.
And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way.
So, why wait till Saturday? A-a-are you free tomorrow?
Sure. I'll get somebody to cover my shift.
Aw, great.
Hey, uh, how about you and me, Saturday night?
- No. - Alright, very good!
Ooh, this is a big one.
[grunting]
Aw! Get these things out of me!
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe through the pain.
I want the drugs, Ross! I want the drugs.
I do too! I do too!
[both screaming]
Yeah, I-I love you. Okay, bye.
- Hi. - Hi.
That was Alice's mom.
She said that she left five hours ago.
She should be here by now.
Oh, honey, don't worry, she's gonna make it on time.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
So, Frank..
...three babies. Whoo!
That just seems like a lot, huh?
- Not to me. - Wow.
Yeah, fair enough.
[instrumental music]
Okay, you're at ten centimeters.
Time to start havin' some babies.
Alright, I want only the father in here, please.
- Oh. Bye. - We love you.
- Good luck. - Good luck.
Love you. Bye, Dan!
Uh, bye, Monica.
[babbling]
Alright, I need a clamp, a sterile towel and Channel 31.
What is that?
♪ Sunday Monday.. ♪♪
Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, no, no, no. It's a good one.
- Fonzie plays the bongos. - Huh..
Alright, ready? It's time to try pushing.
Are you ready? It's time to try peeing.
Wait, wait, wait!
It's almost time to try peeing.
Now push. That's it, push.
Now just concentrate on pushing.
- Yeah, here we go. - I see the head.
- Yes, it has a head! - Alright.
Now, that's it. Keep pushing. Come on.
I can't believe there's somebody
coming out of you right now.
'There's somebody coming out of you..'
That's-that's my son!
Alright.
[baby crying]
Here's your first baby.
[crying continues]
Yes!
Yes! We got a baby boy!
[all cheering]
Frank Jr. Jr.
Oh. How does he look? How does he look?
So gross!
Okay. You ready to push again?
Oh, I already had a baby. Leave me alone.
Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it.
[grunting]
Yeah!
Little Leslie's here! We got another one!
Oh, my God! I can't believe I have...two children.
How scary is that?
[grunting]
Come on, little Chandler
it's time to be born.
- Come on, little Chandler. - Yep.
- Come on. - Alright. He's coming!
Yep, he's coming, he's coming.
[baby crying]
Hey, where's his thing?
Chandler is a girl!
Oh, God. Kindergarten flashback.
Well, they must have read the sonogram wrong
'cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy.
But Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!
Okay, keep saying it.
- Am I too late? - No, no, no. Everything's okay.
Everybody's healthy, there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.
- We have our babies? - Yeah.
Oh...we have our babies. Oh, oh..
[moaning]
[moans]
[thud]
Oh, my God.
You did it, man.
Would you like to see them?
They're so small.
[instrumental music]
- So, I'll call you tomorrow. - Great.
[indistinct announcement on PA]
So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Well, uh, you and I are just "goofin' around."
I thought, why not just goof around with him?
You know, I don't know if you've ever looked up
the term "goofing around" in the dictionary.
Well, I have.
And the technical... definition
is "two friends who care a lot about each other..
"...and have...amazing sex..
...and just want to spend more time together," you know.
But if you have this newfangled dictionary
that gets you mad at me, then we have to, you know
get you my original dictionary.
I am so bad at this.
I think you're better than you think you are.
Really?
- Okay. So, if-- - Know when to stop.
You know, I sensed that I should stop.
Mm-hmm.
- So we're okay? - Yeah.
Alright, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen.
- Don't do the dance. - Right.
I think you're my favorite.
- Which one do you have? - I don't care.
- Hi. - 'Hi.'
- Hey. - 'Hi.'
So, uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you
they're still outside making phone calls.
Oh, but, um, I mean, did you talk to them
about, you know..
Yeah, um..
[sighs] No, honey.
Oh, okay.
It was a long shot.
Hey, you guys.
Can I just have, like, a second
alone with the babies?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
[baby cooing]
[door opens]
[door closes]
So here you are.
It seems like yesterday I was talking to you
in that little petri dish.
Everyone said labor was the hardest thing
I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong. This is.
Well, I had the most fun with you guys.
I wish I could take you home and see you every day, but..
Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite aunt.
I know Alice's sister has a pool
but you lived in me.
Okay, so we're cool.
Yeah, we're gonna be great.
Little high-fives. Ah, ah, ah.
Ah.
[baby crying]
Well, if you're gonna cry..
[instrumental music]
[crying continues]
[music continues]
Phoebe, we are so proud of you. You're amazing.
I know.
So, does it really hurt as bad as they say?
Yeah. You won't be able to take it.
So, uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl
what are they gonna name her?
They're gonna call her Chandler.
[scoffs] It's kind of a... masculine name
don't you think?
It works on you.
[theme music]