- Okay, pick a card. - Okay.
Alright. Now, memorize it.
- You got it? - Oh, yes.
Okay.
Is that your card?
- Yes. - Yeah, well!
- Hey, guys! - Hi!
- Hi there. - Hi!
Guess what?
Ben is gonna be in a TV commercial.
What are you talking about?
Well, it's not for sure, but, uh
we met this guy in the park who thought
Ben was really cute.
You know, which he is. Um..
Anywho, he, uh, he gave us his card and told us
to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
Whoa...this guy's like the biggest commercial
casting director in town!
Ben takes one lousy walk in the park
and gets an audition?
I mean, way to go, Ben!
Man, I've been in that park a million times.
No one's ever offered me an audition.
I know, it's crazy!
We were just pushing Ben on the swings.
I'm always on the swings!
What am I doing wrong?
That.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Hey, gotta go! Wish me luck!
- Good luck. - Hey, Rach.
Now that you work in Ralph Lauren can you
bring me back some of those polo shirts?
Oh, well, you know what, I don't know
if I'd feel comfortable stealing
on my very first day.
Unwilling to steal from work.
Interesting.
So if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.
Okay, guys, way to wish me luck.
- Oh, good luck! - You have a bang, yeah.
- 'Go get 'em!' - Bye.
Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday.
I say, we throw a surprise party this weekend.
Whoa-whoa! But her birthday's not for like another month.
Okay, but if we throw her a party on her birthday
then it's not a surprise.
I think that's a great idea!
Yeah, well, good, we can have a dinner party
and just invite her close friends.
Ross! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!
- Okay! - Done.
Okay, great! So do you wanna do it together?
- I'd love to do it together! - 'Ooh!'
They're gonna do it together.
Dude, that's my girlfriend.
Oh, so I gotta shut it down now?
Alright, I gotta take off.
I'm picking up Ben, and then we're off to the big audition.
I bet this is gonna be weird seeing some actor
pretending to be Ben's dad.
Weirder than seeing his two moms make out?
Whoa! Whoa! Dad? There's a dad in the commercial?
Yeah, the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.
Whoa, hey, well, maybe I'll go down there with you
and see if I can get an audition as the dad.
I mean ,who better to play Ben's father than his godfather?
- You're not his godfather. - What?
Are you kidding?
Of course I am.
- Okay, let's go, godfather. - Alright!
Hey...I'm in. They're gonna let me audition!
-Really? That's great! - I know, I know.
Turns out one of the casting ladies
has actually seen me in a play.
So I steered clear of her.
- That kid looks familiar. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's done tons of commercials.
I've seen him in like "Sugar Smacks," "PlayStation"
and that one for the phone company.
In fact, he was so good now when he actually
convinced me to switch phone companies.
Oh, Chandler was mad.
Yeah, well, he's not gonna get this one, alright?
Ben is way cuter than that kid.
I mean, look at him. Look at you.
[mumbling]
That's great.
Listen, wouldn't it be great, though
if I got to play Ben's dad?
Joey, you look nothing like Ben.
I look more like him than you do.
Now, I really don't know you well enough for you to do that.
So it's down to these two..
Nancy, I know you like this one.
And I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?
Well, um, alright, that one is pretty
but, oh, I just-I just love this fabric.
- Sorry. - Oh, don't be sorry.
That's part of your job here to give your opinions.
And then I take credit for them. I'm kidding!
She is kidding.
But don't ever disagree with her again.
- Okay, now I'm kidding! - Oh?
Oh, what a fun office.
I don't know which one.
But I do know, I need a cigarette.
So what do you say, we take a break, we go outside
and we'll figure this thing out when we come back?
- Rachel? - Yeah.
- Do you smoke? - 'Oh, no!'
My dad's a doctor and he would always tell me
just horror stories ab..
...about, uh
ghosts and goblins..
...who...totally supported
the princess' right to smoke.
And then they came back from smoking
and they had made all of the decisions without me.
- Well, that doesn't seem fair. - 'I know!'
It's like I'm being punished for not having
this disgusting, poisonous habit!
Yeah, it is the best.
I mean, what if this keeps happening, you know?
They-they'll be outside smoking
making all the decisions..
...and I'll just be up in my office
breathing in my stupid clean air.
You know, and then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote
one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick?
Me or Smokey Smokerson?
Rachel, you can go down there and you don't have to smoke.
Just say you wanna get some...fresh air.
- Yeah, I could do that. - 'Yeah.'
Or you could just do the easy thing and smoke.
- Hey! - Hey.
Rach, do you wanna go get coffee?
- Oh! I would love to! - Oh, good!
- Yeah, I'm gonna go too, babe. - Okay.
- Oh, good! - 'Go on.'
- Yay! - Yay.
Okay. Oh, I changed my mind.
Okay, let's talk about the party. I have so many ideas.
- Ooh! Me, too! - Oh!
- Yay! - Oh, look at that.
Well, alright. This is a little sketch of the cake. See?
Alright. Um, some sample menus.
Um, you know, I thought we should start up
with a Tuscan style finger food, okay?
And for music, here's an alphabetized list
of all of my CDs.
I've highlighted the ones that'll go
really go with the food.
What happened to the intimate dinner party?
Oh, you know, we're not doing that. Okay?
- It's okay, - Alright.
Looks like you took care of everything.
Thanks a lot, co-host.
Wait a minute. Take care of everything?
There's-there's plenty of things for you to do.
Uh-huh, like what?
Cups.
Cups? You're giving me cups?
And ice.
Cups and ice? Oh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice?
Alright.
Fine! Okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice.
Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant--
I got it! Mine!
- Hi. - Hey.
How did the audition go?
Not so good.
Now, wait a minute.
Are you doing Joey's
"The audition didn't go so well..
...yeah, it did?"
- Yeah, I am! - Oh!
Yeah, Ben got a second audition!
That's great!
Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit
'cause I actually didn't get a callback, so..
You got a callback too, didn't you?
Yeah, I did!
Hey, Rachel, what are you doing out here?
Well, you know, it got kind of lonely up there
so I just thought I would come out here and..
...get some fresh air.
Nancy and I were just talking about the fall collection.
Oh, great!
So anyway, we really..
Honey, I'm sorry. We're just smoking all over you.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, no, that's okay.
No, no, no. We'll move. You stay right there.
You know, I sent the designs over to Ralph
'and he was very excited about the line.'
Oh, that's great! You are the best!
Excuse me. Can I-can I bum one of those?
Yeah, you know, actually, this one's..
[laughing]
Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?
I heard that you didn't smoke.
Oh, you know, I-I thought
you guys meant marijuana cigarettes.
You know?
You know what I mean? Like doobies?
And I-I actually, I thought to myself
"Well, those guys are crazy!"
But no, I actually, I smoke the regular ones
all-all the time.
We get high.
Oh, no. Me, too.
- I'm kidding. - Oh!
Ooh, and me, too.
Oh, God! This is so nerve-racking.
Why, how-how do you do this?
Well, fortunately, I don't get many callbacks, so..
Is it a good sign that they asked us
to hang around after the audition?
Who knows?
Okay, uh, we have narrowed it down
to Raymond, Ben, Kyle and Joey.
The rest of you, thank you very much.
Yes! I knew it!
Ah, bye-bye.
So long.
Later.
Oh, this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!
- Yeah! - 'Actually, that can't happen.'
Yeah, because you all have such different looks
We're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben.
So...it'll either be you two or you two.
Oh, man!
This is gonna be kind of weird.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah, it's gonna be weird.
No, we're-we're, like, best friends.
That's-that's why it's weird.
Oh, oh, I-I thought we were just talking.
- Hey. - Hi.
Is it okay
if I leave this stuff here
till Rachel's birthday party?
Alright, sure. What's in 'em?
Um, cups.
Oh, good, because, uh, we got Rachel
800 gallons of water.
Seriously, that's a lot of cups.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause I'm in charge of cups and ice.
And Monica is gonna rue the day
that she put me in charge of cups and ice.
You know, I rued the day once.
Didn't get a whole lot else done.
Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups.
- Oh, hey, Joey! - Hey, Pheebs.
- Hi. - Hey.
Ross, good, I'm...glad you're here.
I-I wanna talk to you about something.
Well...what's up?
Well...I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing.
You know, me goin' up against Ben
the two of us competing and..
Well, that can't lead to anything good.
So...I think I'm just gonna...step aside.
I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
Well, uh...Joey, that's-that's great.
Thanks, man.
That's it?
You-you're gonna let me do this?
This-this is my career we're talking about here!
But-but you just--
I just said that so you wouldn't let
Ben do it!
Look, Ross, if anyone should step aside, it should be Ben.
- What? - What? Chandler, tell him!
Well, let me, let me get the door first.
Oh, hi, no one!
Why should Ben step aside?
It was his audition in the first place.
You-you just tagged along.
You're like the...uh, tagalong dad.
At least I care about his feelings.
Wh, you what?
Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him
when he doesn't get it?
And why wouldn't he get it?
Oh! Come on!
Please, have you seen what my kid can do, huh?
I mean, he dials phones, he-he eats tortilla chips.
He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!
Are you saying your kid eats soup
better than my kid?
You just give him a spoon, baby.
- Oh, yeah? I guess we'll see! - Yeah!
Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!
- Your kid's name is Raymond! - Yeah? So is yours!
- How did work go? - Oh, it was great!
It was great. I went down there just like you said.
You know, and we talked business.
And Kim totally took my opinions.
You stink!
- Uh, thanks. - No, I'm-I'm serious.
Well-well, that's just 'cause I went down there
and they were all smoking.
This is actually the smell of success.
Okay, there's something different, though..
Oh, my God! You smoked!
[gasps] I did not!
Yes, you did. You look happy and sick!
You smoked!
Alright, fine! But I had to!
I had to do it for my career!
I wish I had to smoke for my career.
But it's so gross!
No, it's not that bad, you know? It's..
I mean, yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and..
...these fingers sort of smell.
Actually, I feel like I could throw up.
Okay, but you gotta push past this, okay?
Because it's about to get so good!
Chandler..
Oh, I have to tell you, you smell so smoky.
- I gotta, uh, I gotta get up. - What?
- I'm not kidding. - Well..
I think you smell great.
So we're decided. No on plaid, yes on pink.
Absolutely.
I'm so on-board.
Rachel, didn't you just light that?
Yeah, but you know what?
I'm just really, really trying
to cut back, you know?
- Good luck, Rach. - Yes.
I've actually been thinking about quitting lately.
Oh, well, sure, every Sunday night
I tell myself I'm quitting.
Every Monday morning, it's like..
- Tell me about it. - Well, let's just, let's quit!
We'll just quit. Let's all quit.
- It does sound appealing. - I never could do it.
Oh, but you could. You can, absolutely.
We can help each other out. You know?
We could get one of th-those patches..
We could be, like, the patch sisters.
Oh, you know, we really should quit.
- Okay, let's quit! - Yes!
Great! Give me those cigs. Come on!
Give it! Give it! Out. Done.
Quit. Wooh! Ha-ha!
My late husband gave me that lighter.
[laughs] It's funny.
I'm not kidding.
Okay, then. I'm in.
"Mmm...soup."
Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second.
Would you mind watching Ben for me
while I use the ladies' room?
- Oh, yeah, no problem. - Thanks.
"Mmm...soup."
[door opens]
[door closes]
Hi, Ben.
So you wanna be an actor, huh?
I gotta tell you, it's no picnic.
There's tons of rejection.
No stability.
I mean, one day you're..
...Dr. Drake Ramoray.
The next day, you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.
Joey.
Ross.
Ben.
I mean, Ben. Ben.
Okay, Raymond, Joey, you're up.
- Hi. - Okay.
Alright, uh, well, let's, uh, let's try one
whenever you guys are ready.
- Uh-oh! - Is there a problem?
Well, this is noodle soup
and, uh, I've been working with tomato.
So, but it's okay. No problem. No problem.
"Mmm...noodle soup." Yeah.
You know, that's-that's fine. But the line is, "Mmm...soup."
- Oh, what'd I say? - "Mmm...noodle soup."
How's that different?
Oh! I see, yeah..
- Alright. Let's try one. - 'Okay.'
Mmm...noodle soup.
- Okay, let's do it again. - Okay.
Mmm...soup.
I mean, noodle soup. I mean, soup!
Come on!
You-you know what? We need to move on.
Oh, no, I-I could do it one more time.
I could, see? Look.
Mmm...noodle soup.
Damn it!
Hey, hey!
Uh-oh, busted!
Come on, you guys! What are you doing?
I thought we were the patch sisters!
Yeah, that didn't work out.
Rachel, we tried to quit, but it was too hard.
Well, you know, if you-if you started smoking again
you could have at least told me!
Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about?
No, no. You're doing great. Don't you give up.
That's why we didn't tell you and we're not
gonna drag you down with us.
Oh, wait. No, no. Drag me down.
- Dr-drag me down. - Forget it, Rachel.
We're both so proud of how well you're doing.
I'm not gonna let you blow it, in fact..
if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired.
So go on, get out of here! Go on!
I don't want you breathing this stuff!
- Go on! - Alright.
So okay. So you'll come with me on the Paris trip?
Oh, man!
Hey, check it out, a cup hat
Cup banner, cup chandelier
and the thing that started it all, the cup.
Great job with the cups, Phoebs.
Why don't you just go out with her?
And did you notice the ice? Look!
We have it all, we have crushed
cubed and dry.
Watch. Ah!
- Mystical. - Oh!
Chandler?
Everyone, no one's eating my Tuscan finger food
'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones.
There are snow cones?
Snow cones, Ugh! Agh!
- You know, go, go. - Thank you, thank you.
- Oh, look, look, look! - Oh, surprise!
(all) Surprise!
What? You..
What, my birthday isn't for another month!
That's the surprise!
Oh, my God, you guys!
This is so great! It's so unexpected!
I mean, Chandler's birthday is even before mine.
(all) Surprise!
Wow, this is so great!
Look at all these...cups!
This is so weird.
I was in charge of cups.
Oh, okay. Not so weird.
- Hey. - Hey.
Listen, man, I..
...I'm sorry the audition didn't go well.
Yeah, right.
No, really. I, I am, Joey. I feel bad.
Yeah, well, look, Ross.
You don't have to, okay?
It's not your fault I suck.
You know, I mean, what kind of an actor can't even say
"Mmm...noodle soup?"
Hey, you know what? Maybe..
Maybe, maybe you didn't mess up
your audition because you suck.
Maybe you messed up because you care
more about, uh, your godson.
What do you mean?
- I think, subconsciously-- - Whoa-whoa.
You lost me.
I think, on some level
you-you sabotaged
your own audition
so Ben would get the part.
Well, your way sounds a lot better than mine.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's not that I'm a bad actor.
- No. - No.
It's just that, uh..
...I care so damn much about little Ben..
...that, uh, it was more important
for me to see him succeed.
- There you go. Thank you. - Thank you.
- So, I mean, did he get it? - No.
Yeah, what are you gonna do?
Oh, hi. Excuse me, is Rachel Green here?
I'm supposed to meet her for lunch.
Oh, she doesn't come down here anymore.
You can find her up on ten.
Okay, great.
So we talked about the whole presentation yesterday.
At last, she wondered if one person would be
enough for me to take on the trip
and I said, "Yeah, absolutely."
I'll catch you guys later.