[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hi.
What are you guys doin' up?
Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed.
Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?
Dark red!
Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a "Connect the Dots"
in here for you later.
Hey, how about, uh, maroon?
Yes, you are so smart!
Aww, you guys are so cute.
I know.
Alright, I'll see you in the mornin'.
- Okay. - Okay.
You know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you, honey.
Ah. Me, too.
Now let's finish this and go to bed.
Okay.
There's only one left.
Three-letter word..
...not dog, but..
Cat.
Yes!
You are so smart.
I love you.
I love you too.
[siren wailing in distance]
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ And when it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Uh...we, we still need a tip.
Alright. Hold on.
I got it.
Nickel.
How much more do we need?
Couple of bucks.
Okay, dime.
You guys should probably keep talking.
This could take a while.
Oh, no, wait! Look it!
Wow!
Oh, my god. This is a police badge.
Oh, that's so cool. Why would a cop come in here, though?
They don't serve donuts.
You know what? Actually, could you discover the badge again?
I think I can come up with something better than that.
Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.
Yeah, I should probably take it back.
Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station
I could check their ten most wanted list.
'Cause my friend, Fritzy's been number 11 for, like, ever
so this could be her year.
Hey, you guys.
- Hey, Joey. - Hey.
Hey.
Is that, uh...is that my sweatshirt?
Oh, yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it. I was cold.
I-I hope it's okay.
Uh, well, it's just that, uh..
...you know, if you're gonna be wearin' someone's sweatshirt
shouldn't it be your boyfriend's?
You know...and I'm not him.
I'm sorry. I'll give it back to you.
No, no. No. I mean, it's gonna be
all smellin' like Monica.
Are you saying I smell bad?
No. No, you smell like a meadow.
I'm sorry. I..
- What's with him? - Oh, you know what?
The last time that Joey went to a meadow
his mother was shot by a hunter.
[telephone ringing]
Oh!
Yeah, I still don't know.
I'm sorry, I just wanna make sure I bought the right couch.
I need a couch that says
"Kids welcome here"
but that also says..
"Come here to me."
What? You say that to kids?
No, no, no. The "Come here to me" is
you know, for the ladies.
Ross, honey, it's a nice couch
it's not a magic couch.
You picked a great couch.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Could you just sign right here, please?
Oh, sure.
Whoa, whoa. What's..
The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch.
Wait, no. That's ridiculous.
Come on, he lives three blocks away.
Yeah, you know what? I'll take it myself, thank you.
Alright, Rach, come on. Let's go.
Yeah.
[laughing]
Are you kiddin'?
No, come on. It's only three blocks.
It's not very heavy. Try it. Come on. Come on.
[grunts]
Oh! Oh, I can do it.
Yeah.
You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.
Oh, yeah, we're, uh..
...yeah, we're not together.
Oh. Okay.
[laughing] Somethin' didn't quite add up there.
Ross!
What's that supposed to mean?
- Ross! - Well..
...you...her..
I mean, she's very..
...you know..
...and you're like..
...you know.
Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.
Really? You two?
- Yeah. Rach? - Come on.
I really don't wanna be doing this right now.
I'm carrying a very heavy couch.
Then tell him quickly.
Fine. We went out.
Not only did we go out..
...we did it...298 times.
Ross!
Oh, my.. Oh! You kept count?
You are such a loser.
A loser you did it with 298 times.
Oh! Oh!
- Ma'am! Excuse me, ma'am? - Yes?
You can't put your cigarette out on a tree.
Yeah, I can. It worked real well.
No, but you shouldn't.
So don't ever do that again.
I won't..
...till I have my next cigarette.
Hold it.
NYPD. Freeze, punk.
- What? - Yeah, that's right.
You are so busted.
[laughing]
Uh, book 'em.
- Who are you talking to? - Save it, red!
Unless you want to spend the night in the slammer
you apologize to the tree.
I am not going to apologize to a tree.
You apologize to the tree right now
or I am calling for backup.
Backup! Backup!
- I-I'm sorry! Sorry! - Okay, cancel backup!
Cancel backup!
- Okay. - Ross..
Didn't you say that there was, um, an elevator in here?
Uh, yes, I did, but there isn't.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, go left. Left.
- Left! - Okay, you know what?
There's no more left left.
Oh, okay. You know, lift it straight up over your head.
Straight up over your head. You can do it.
Okay. You got it?
- Yeah. Go. Go. - Good, good, good.
You got it, right? You got it, right?
- Right. Yeah. - You got it, right?
[screaming]
Any chance you think the couch looks good there?
So, this guy was all..
[mumbling]
And I'm all, "Buffay. Homicide."
It was just so cool.
Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back.
I know, but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.
Okay, but impersonating a police officer's a serious thing.
You could get arrested.
You could get arrested right now.
Alright, yeah, I better take it back.
Totally drunk with power.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, I..
- Hi, Joe. - Yeah..
I didn't know you guys were gonna be here.
Hey, Joey? Do me a favor, sweetie. Taste this.
What? Why?
- What is going on with you? - Nothin'.
Oh, come on. You've been acting strange all day.
Alright.
There is somethin'. I, uh..
I kinda had a dream..
...but I don't wanna talk about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What if Martin Luther King had said that?
I...kinda have a dream.
Yeah...I don't wanna talk about it.
Well...it involved Monica.
You had a dream about a girl that I'm seeing?
Oh, that is so cool. I can't tell you
how many times I dreamt about a girl that he was seeing.
Anyway, we're talking about your dream. I love you.
Your dream?
Look, don't worry. There wasn't any sex in it or anything.
I haven't dreamt about her like that
since I found out about you two...ish.
What was the dream about?
Well...okay.
You were my girlfriend..
...and we were doin' the crossword puzzle.
You know, like you guys were doin' last night.
So, that's it.
I'm in love with Monica, and I'll be movin' out.
Wait, Joey, Joey.
That doesn't mean that-that you're in love with me.
- It...it doesn't? - No, no. It can mean anything..
...like, uh, all of a sudden you're jealous
that I've become the apartment stud.
Kinda sounds like your dream, dude.
Or it could mean that you saw Chandler and me together
and, you know, we were being close and stuff
and-and maybe you just wanna have that with someone, too.
Well, in the dream, I did enjoy the closeness.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, look, look. Are you attracted to Monica?
Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?
- Not really. - Well, there you have it.
Well, sure, I'm just wearing sweats.
But that's good...that you're not in love with me
because...you just want a girlfriend.
No, I don't think it's just about
just gettin' a girlfriend, you know?
I mean, yeah, I could get a girlfriend.
Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crossword puzzles
but, you know, we ever have the closeness like you guys have?
Well, you know, Monica and I were friends
before we started dating. So maybe, maybe that's it.
Friends first?
That's interesting.
You become friends after?
No. Never done that, either.
Hey...um, do you guys have a tape measure?
Oh, yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.
[giggling]
That's right.
What's up, Joey?
How you doin'?
- Excuse me. Is this your car? - Yeah.
Well, I don't think it's very nice of you to park here.
You know, you're blocking the entrance.
Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.
Well, it's a problem for me
which means it's a problem for you
'cause I'm a cop.
So am I.
Oh, no.
Oh, okay, so you're a cop
which means you can park anywhere.
'cause, I know that, 'cause I'm a cop too.
Sorry. Keep up the good work. Ten-four.
Hey, wait a second. So, wait, what precinct are you with?
I-I'm with the, um, the 57th.
Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.
I'm in vice.
Yeah, in fact, I'm undercover right now.
I'm a whore.
Who else is in vice up there?
Um, do you know, um, Sipowitz?
Sipowitz? No, I don't think so.
Yeah, Sipowitz, yeah.
Big guy, kind of bald.
Nah, I don't know him.
Okay.
Don't try to call him or anything
'cause he's not there. He's out.
His, um, his partner just died.
Wow. Well, tell Sipowitz I'm real sorry for his loss.
- I-I sure will. Take care. - Okay.
Hey, by the way..
...I'm sure Sipowitz is gonna be alright.
I heard that kid from "Silver Spoons" is really good.
And where'd you find my badge?
Oh.
Hey, Joey, would you mind
givin' me and Ross a hand moving his couch?
Oh, I'd love to, but I got acting class.
But you know what? I guess I could blow that off..
...for you.
Thanks.
Uh, say, Rachel, let me ask you somethin'.
Uh, I was just over there talkin' with Monica and Chandler
and, boy, they are really tight.
- I know. - Yeah.
That's not a bad situation they got goin' over there.
Hmm-mmm.
Thinkin' of gettin' me one of those.
What's up, Joe?
Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler
are so great is because they were friends first, you know?
So I asked myself, who are my friends?
You and Phoebe.
I saw you first, so..
What are you sayin'?
I'm sayin', maybe you and I crank it up a notch.
You know, honey, um, as, uh, as flattered as I am..
...that, uh, you saw me first..
...I-I just, I don't think we should be crankin' anything up.
Well, I'll treat you real nice.
Oh-ho.
Yeah, well, you know, um..
No, honey, listen, I think it's a great idea to become
friends with someone before you date them
but I think the way you do it is, you know, you meet someone
become their friend, build a foundation
then ask 'em out on a date.
Don't hit on your existing friends.
Well, won't that take longer?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, but once you find it, oh, it's so worth the wait.
Yeah. Well, I understand. I understand, you know.
Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first.
Come here to me.
No, no. You come here to me.
Hey, Ross.
[clearing throat] I brought reinforcements.
Oh, great. What, you brought Joey?
Well, I brought the next best thing.
Hey.
Chandler? You brought Chandler?
The next best thing would be Monica.
You know, I would be offended but..
...Monica is freakishly strong, so..
Alright, look, I-I drew a sketch
of how we're gonna do it, okay?
Rach, that's you.
That's the couch.
Mm-hmm. Oh, ooh, w-what's that?
Oh, that's me.
Wow..
You certainly think a lot of yourself.
No, that's, that's my arm.
Oh, I see. I thought you just really
really liked your new couch.
You know what? Just, just follow my lead.
- Okay. - Okay.
Come on, Chandler.
- Alright. - Okay.
Here we go.
- Alright, ready? - Yeah.
- Turn. - Okay.
Turn....turn.
[screaming]
I don't think we can turn anymore.
Ross, I just don't think it's gonna fit.
(Ross) Oh, yeah, it will. Come on, up. Up, up, up.
- Up! - Up!
(Ross) Yes...here we go, pivot.
Pivot!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Okay, I, I don't think it's gonna pivot anymore.
- You think? - You think?
Alright, let's, uh, let's
bring it back down and, and try again.
(Chandler) Okay. Oh.
[grunting and groaning]
Okay, yeah. I think it's really stuck now.
I can't believe that didn't work.
I know. Me neither.
I mean, you had a sketch.
Oh, you know what? What did you mean when you said pivot?
- Hey. - Hey. How's it goin'?
Did you make any new friends?
Yeah. Yeah, I met this woman.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
- What's she like? - Uh, well..
...she's really good in bed.
Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first.
Well, look, hey, it's all your fault.
What? Why?
Well, because you didn't give me advice.
No, you gave me a pickup line.
As soon as I told her I wanted to, you know, build a foundation
and be friends first
I suddenly, through no fault of my own
became irresistible to her.
And her roommate.
What about the closeness?
Closeness, schmoseness.
There was three of us for crying out loud.
Alright, hey, who wants pizza?
- Oh, I do. I do. I do. - Oh, yes.
Oh, this is great. Can you believe
I found this on the second floor?
[knock on door]
- Who is it? - 'NYPD.'
- Oh, my God. - Uh...just a minute, officer!
'I'm lookin' for Phoebe Buffay.'
Oh, my God, it's him. It's that cop.
God, I can't believe it. He found me.
Oh, my God, Phoebe. Are you gonna go to jail?
Well, if I'm going down, you guys are going down with me.
- What? - Harboring a fugitive?
That's one to three years minimum.
Good luck, Chandler.
Okay, you can arrest me, fine, but you'll
never make it stick, and you know it.
Yeah, but I kind of don't have a choice.
It's my job. I mean, you understand, right?
Yeah, as long as you understand that I'm gonna call my lawyer
and once he puts you on the stand
he's gonna make you look like a fool, like a fool.
I don't like lookin' foolish.
You know what? Maybe, uh, I don't arrest you today.
Maybe I came by and you weren't here.
I would love it if I weren't here.
Okay, since, um, you're not goin' to jail tonight
I was wondering if you would, um
like to go to dinner with me.
- Me? - Yeah.
Ever since you flashed my badge at me
I kinda can't stop thinking about you.
You're the prettiest fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
- Nice. - Nice.
Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Y-you're asking me out.
Yeah, and I could have done it better
but these people keep starin' at me.
Um...yeah.
I-I'd like to go out with you, officer.
- Gary. - Gary.
Okay, so it's a date?
Yeah! So, ooh, I gotta ask you though.
How did you know where to find me?
Well, your fingerprints were all over my badge
so I just ran it through the computer
and this was listed as your last known address
so I just checked it out.
- Oh, impressive. - Not as impressive as you.
I gotta tell you, I looked at your record
and you've done some pretty weird stuff.
- Yeah, we'll talk at dinner. - Okay.
So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?
- Alright, I can't wait. - Okay.
Don't worry. I'm not gonna just take you out for donuts.
[laughing]
He has a gun.
I'd like to return this couch.
I'm not satisfied with it.
You wanna return this couch?
It's cut in half.
That's what I'm telling you.
Did you cut this couch in half?
This couch is cut in half.
I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half.
You're tellin' me this couch
was delivered to you like this?
Look, I'm a reasonable man.
I will accept store credit.
I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.
I will take it.