Oh, hey, you guys, look!
Ugly naked guy's putting stuff in boxes.
- Oh. - Oh.
Oh. Oh, I'd say from the looks of it
our naked buddy is moving.
Ah, ironically, most of the boxes
seem to be labeled "clothes."
Aw, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.
And we're done with the chicken fried rice.
Hey!
Hey, if he's moving
maybe I should try to get his place!
- Oh, good idea. - Yes.
It would be so cool to live
across from you guys.
Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing.
You know, where you have a can
we have a can, and..
...and it's connected by a string.
Or we could do the actual telephone thing.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Oh, my God. I love this apartment!
- Isn't it perfect? - Ah.
I can't believe I never realized how-how great it is!
Well, that is because your eye
immediately goes to the big naked man.
(Phoebe) 'It's amazing!'
You better hurry up and fill out an application
or I'm gonna beat you to it.
[scoffing] Oh.
Well, I never thought I'd say this
but I'm gonna go use ugly naked guy's bathroom.
Yeah.
Oh, look! There's-there's Monica and Chandler.
'Hey!'
Hey, you guys!
Hey!
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
- What? - Oh-oh!
Chandler and Monica!
- Oh, my God! - Oh!
Chandler and Monica!
- Oh, my God! - Oh!
Oh, my eyes! My eyes!
Phoebe! Phoebe!
- Oh! - Okay! It's okay. It's okay!
- No, they're doing it! - I know!
I know! I know!
- You know? - Yes, I know it.
Joey knows, but Ross doesn't know
so you have to stop screaming!
Hey, what's going on?
[both screaming]
- What? What? - Hi! Nothing!
Oh, God, we're just so excited
that you want to get this apartment!
Actually it looks really good.
[screaming] It looks pretty good!
Get in here! Come on!
[all screaming]
You mean whenever Monica and Chandler
were like, you know, doing laundry
or going grocery shopping, or..
Oh, all that time Monica spent
on the phone with sad Linda from camp?
Mm-hm. Doing it, doing it, phone, doing it.
Oh!
I can't believe it!
I mean, I think it's great. For him.
She might be able to do better.
- Hey, you guys. - Joey, come here!
- Come here. - What? What?
Phoebe found out about Monica and Chandler.
You mean how they're friends and nothing more?
Uh-huh.
No. Joey, she knows.
We were at ugly naked guy's apartment
and we saw them doing it through the window.
Actually, we saw them doing it
up against the window.
Okay, so now they know you know
and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Yes, but, you know what
it doesn't matter who knows what.
Now enough of us know
that we could just tell them we know.
Now all the lying and the secrets
will finally be over.
Or, we could not tell them we know
and have a little fun of our own.
Wait, w-what do you mean?
Well, you know, every time that they say
that like they're doing laundry, we'll just give 'em
a bunch of laundry to do.
Oh, I-I would enjoy that.
Oh, no, no, no.
No-no wait, Rach, you know what would be even more fun?
Telling them.
Yeah, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.
I can't take any--
Oh, you don't have to do anything.
Just don't tell them that we know.
No, I-I can't take anymore secrets.
I got your secrets, I got their secrets.
I got secrets of my own, you know.
You don't have any secrets.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you don't know about Hugsy
my bedtime penguin pal.
So, mm, um..
How are-how are we gonna mess with them?
Oh!
Well, you could use
your position, you know, as the roommate.
And then I would use, you know
the strongest tool at my disposal.
My sexuality.
- Hello, children. - Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, watch. Learn.
And don't eat my cookie.
- Hey. - Hey.
Ooh, wow, that jacket looks great on you.
- Really? - Yeah.
The material looks so soft.
Oh, hello, Mr. Bicep.
You've been working out?
Well, I try to, you know, squeeze things.
[laughing]
Are you okay?
Well, if you really wanna know
I.. Oh, I can't tell you this.
[chuckling]
Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.
Well, actually, you are the one person I can't..
...tell this to and the one person I want to the most.
What's going on?
I think, it's just, you know
that I haven't been with a guy in so long
and, you know, how sometimes you're looking
for something and you just don't even see that it's right there
in front of you, sipping coffee.
Oh, no. Have I said too much?
Well, it's just something to think about.
[giggling] I know I will.
Ooh.
You are so cute.
How did you get to be so cute?
Well, my grandfather was Swedish.
And my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.
[giggling]
Okay, now you're even cuter.
You know, that is a popular opinion today, I must say.
What?
The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house.
I think.. I think Phoebe was hitting on me.
[scoffing]
What are you talking about?
I'm telling you, I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.
It's-it's not possible.
Ow.
I'm sorry, it's just, I mean Phoebe's just always thought
you were-you were charming in a-in a sexless kind of way.
Oh, you know, I can't hear that enough.
I-I'm sorry, I just think you misunderstood her.
No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me.
She touched my bicep for crying out loud.
This bicep?
Well, it's not flexed right now.
Hey, Mon, what are you doing now?
You wanna come see a movie with us?
Ah, you know, actually
I-I was gonna do some laundry.
Huh?
Hey, Chandler, you wanna do it with me?
- Sure, I'll do it with you. - Okay.
Okay, great. Hold on a second.
Oh! Here you go.
You don't mind, do you?
That would really help me out a lot. Thanks.
You know what, I-I don't-I don't think
I have enough quarters.
- Oh, I have quarters. - Ah.
- Hey. - Hey, Ross.
Any word on the apartment yet?
Well, I called over there, and it turns out
ugly naked guy is subletting it himself.
and he's already had like a hundred applicants.
- 'Oh, man.' - 'No, no, I've got the edge.'
I know, it's not exactly ethical
but I sent him a little bribe
to tip the scales in my direction.
Yeah, check it out. You can probably see it from the window.
Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?
No.
That new mountain bike?
No.
Well, what did you send?
A basket of mini muffins.
There-there's a whole table of mini muffin baskets.
Which one did you send?
- The small one. - What?
You-you actually thought
that basket was gonna get you the apartment?
Well, yeah!
Someone sent us a basket at work once
and people went crazy over those little muffins.
It was the best day.
Your work makes me sad.
Oh, man, I want that place so much!
And I was so sure that was gonna work.
There's 12 bucks I'll never see again.
Alright, honey, we'd better go
if we wanna catch that movie.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye, Chandler. I miss you already.
Okay, did-did you see that?
The inappropriate, and the pinching?
Actually, I did.
Okay, so now do you believe
that she's attracted to me?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. She knows about us!
Are you serious?
Phoebe knows, and she's just trying
to freak us out!
That's the only explanation for it!
Okay, but what about, you know, my pinchable butt
and my bulging biceps?
She knows!
Joey!
Yeah?
Phoebe knows about us.
Well, I didn't tell them!
Them?
Who's "them?"
Um...Phoebe and Joey.
Joey?
And Rachel.
I would have told you, but th-they made me
promised not to tell.
- Oh, man. - I'm sorry.
But, hey, it's over now, right?
'Cause you can tell them that you know they know
and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!
- Unless.. - No, not "unless!"
Well, this must end now!
Oh, man, they think
they are so slick messing with us.
But see, they don't know that we know that they know.
- So.. - Oh, yes.
The messers become the messees!
- Oh! - Oh, Ross.
Honey, you gotta stop torturing yourself.
Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment?
Look, I've already looked at, like
a thousand apartments this month.
And none of them even compares to that one.
- You know what you should do? - 'Huh?'
You-you should find out what his hobbies are
and then use that to bond with him.
Yeah, like if I wanted something from Joey
I would strike up a conversation
about say, umm...sandwiches.
Or, uh...or my underwear.
I'm listening.
- See? - That is a great idea!
And I know ugly naked guy
because we've been watching him for like five years.
So that gives me back my edge!
Ha ha. Well, let's see now.
He had the trampoline.
Yeah, but, he broke that.
Well, he had gravity boots.
Yeah, he broke those too.
So he likes to break stuff.
Oh, okay, I've got to go pick up Ben.
But I-I will figure something out.
Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Well, I wouldn't bring that up.
It would probably just bum him out.
Yeah, poor cat never saw that big butt coming.
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Oh, yeah, hold on a second, she's right here.
Hey, it's Chandler.
Oh!
Hello, you.
Hello, Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day.
Huh?
Well, you know that thing you said before?
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.
Really?
Yeah, listen, Joey is not gonna be here tonight.
So why don't you come over and I'll let you, uh..
...feel my bicep.
Or maybe more.
I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye.
Oh, my God, he wants me to come over
and feel his bicep and more!
- Are you kidding? - No.
I cannot believe he would do that to Mon..
What?
Joey? Do they know that we know?
- No. - Joey?
- They know you know. - Oh, I knew it!
Oh, I cannot believe those two!
They thought that they could mess with us?
They're trying to mess with us?
[chuckles]
They don't know that we know they know we know.
And, Joey, you can't say anything.
Couldn't if I wanted to.
Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller.
I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment
and I-I realize that the competition
is fierce but..
I'm sorry, I-I can't help but notice that you're naked.
And..
I applaud you.
Man, I wish I was naked.
I mean, this-this looks so great.
That is how God intended it.
Look at them. They're-they're panicked!
(Chandler) 'Oh, yeah, they're totally gonna back down.'
Oh, yeah.
Alright, alright, if he wants a date
he's gonna get a date.
- Alright, I'm going to go in. - Okay, okay.
Be sexy.
Please.
[stammering]
So, Chandler, I'd-I'd love to come by tonight.
- Really? - Oh, absolutely.
Should we say around 7:00?
- Yes. - Good.
I'm really looking forward to you and me
having sexual intercourse.
Hey, hey, check it out! Check it out.
Ugly naked guy's got a naked friend.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God! That's our friend!
- It's naked Ross! - Yeah, it's Ross!
Showtime!
- Okay, Rachel, get me perfume. - Okay.
And, Joey, can you get me a bottle of wine and glasses?
Alright, you'll be great.
You just make her think you wanna have sex with her
and it'll totally freak her out.
Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do.
How do you know?
Because you're on my team.
And my team always wins.
At this?
Just go get some!
Go! Go!
Okay, honey, now, I'm gonna try to listen from right here.
- Okay. - Okay? Oh, wait.
- Good idea. - Yeah.
- Okay. - Oh, don't give away the farm.
Okay.
Phoebe.
Chandler.
Come on in.
I was going to.
Um, I brought some wine. Would you like some?
Sure.
Oh.
So, here we are.
- Nervous? - Me?
No. You?
No, I want this to happen.
So do I.
I'm gonna put on some music.
Maybe-maybe I'll dance for you.
[soft rock music]
You look good.
Thanks.
You know, that..
...when you say things like that, it makes me wanna..
...rip that..
...sweater vest right off!
Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?
- Really? - Oh.
Do you not wanna?
No. No.
I just, you know, first, I wanna..
...take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.
Well, that would be nice.
I'll go get the lotion.
♪ ...making a plan ♪♪
Listen, this is totally getting out of hand!
Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
She's bluffing!
Look, she's not backing down.
She went like this.
He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
Oh, man! Aren't you guys done yet?
I wanna sit in my chair!
Joey look, just look at it this way.
the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler
the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Ooh. I like that.
Okay.
Oh, okay. Show him your bra.
He's afraid of bras. Can't work 'em.
[screaming]
Wow! You didn't rip off any buttons.
It's not my first time.
You go back out there
and you seduce her till she cracks!
Okay. Give me a second.
- Did you clean up in here? - Of course!
Oh, you're-you're going?
Um, not without you, lover.
So..
...this is my bra.
It's very, very nice.
Well, come here.
I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex.
You should be.
I'm very bendy.
I'm gonna kiss you now.
Not if I kiss you first.
- Oh. - Oh!
Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.
Here it comes.
Our first kiss.
Okay, okay, okay. You win! You win!
- I can't have sex with you! - And why not?
Because I'm in love with Monica!
You're-you're what?
Love her, that's right.
I love her!
I love you, Monica.
I love you too, Chandler.
I just, I thought you were doing it.
I didn't know you were in love!
[giggling]
Dude!
And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor.
And may I say, your breasts are still showing.
God.
Alright! So that's it?
It's over. Everybody knows!
Well, actually, Ross doesn't.
Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
Yeah.
A new place for a new Ross.
I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over
once it's, you know, furnished.
I must say, it's nice to see you back on your feet.
Well, I am that.
A-and that whole rage thing
is definitely behind me.
I wonder if it's time for you
to rejoin our team at the museum.
Oh, Donald, that-that would be great.
I am totally ready to come back to work.
I..
What?
No.
Wh.. What are you doing?
Get off my sister!