Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing?
Alright, here we go.
1999, the year of Joey.
We're very happy for you.
What's the matter?
We wanted to kiss at midnight
but nobody else is going to so, you know..
Alright. I'll take care of it.
- Oh, no. - Joey.
Thirty three, thirty two..
Ross, Ross, Ross, listen.
Who are you kissing at midnight, huh?
- Rachel or Phoebe? - What?
Well, you gotta kiss someone. Can't kiss your sister.
Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?
- Chandler. - Oh, man! Really?
Dude, dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister?
- Me or Chandler? - That's a good point.
Yeah.
Uh, well, since I have that whole history
with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
- Okay. Great. - Alright.
Pheebs, Pheebs. Listen.
Ross wants to kiss you at midnight.
It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask?
Rach, Rach, listen.
- I'll kiss you at midnight. - What?
Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. Can't kiss Ross.
- You got the history. - So?
So who would you rather have kissing you, me or Chandler?
- Oh, good point. - Yeah.
(all) 'Three...two...one.'
(all) Happy New Year!
[blowing party horns]
- Happy New Year. - Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year, Pheebs. - You, too.
Happy New Year, Joey.
So, that do anything for you?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
You know what?
I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say, no divorces in '99!
[blowing horn]
But your divorce isn't even final yet.
- Just the one divorce in '99! - 'Yeah, baby.'
[blowing horns]
You know what, I am gonna be happy this year.
I am gonna make myself happy.
Do you want us to leave the room or..
Every day I am gonna do one thing
I have never done before.
That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.
- Ooh, that's a good one. - 'Yeah?'
Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
That's a good one, too, Pheebs.
Now all you have to do is find a plane load
of people whose resolution
is to plummet to their deaths.
Maybe your resolution should be
not to make fun of your friends
especially the ones who may soon be flying you
to Europe for free on their own plane.
She has a better chance of sprouting wings
and flying up your nose
than you do of not making fun of us.
In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks you can't go the whole year
without making fun of us.
Uh, you know what? Better yet, a week.
I'll take that bet, my friend.
And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks
can be the new thing you do that day.
And it starts right now!
Alright, my New Year's resolution
is to learn how to play guitar.
- Oh! - Really? How come?
Well, you know those, uh, special skills
I have listed on my resume?
Well, I would love it if one of those was true.
Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher.
Oh, really? Who, who have you taught?
Well, I taught me and I loved me.
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, thanks, Pheebs.
Oh, look, Blaire forgot her glasses
and she's gonna really be needing these
to keep an eye on that boyfriend
who, from what I hear
needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer
if you know what I'm talking about.
Hey, Rach, maybe your resolution should be to
um...gossip less.
What? I don't gossip.
[all chuckling]
Well, maybe sometimes I find out things
or I hear something and I pass that information on.
You know, kind of like a public service.
Doesn't mean I'm a gossip.
I mean, would you call Ted Koppel a gossip?
Well, if Ted Koppel talked about his co-worker's
botched boob jobs, yeah, I would.
What? Uh-uh, they were like this.
[instrumental music]
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay.
- Hey. - Hey.
I just asked that girl out.
- Nice. - Nice, yeah.
Is that part of your resolution?
Your new thing for today?
Yes, it is.
See?
"Elizabeth..
...Hornswoggle?"
That's right, uh..
...Elizabeth...Hornswoggle.
Horn..
...swoggle.
You okay, Chandler?
Is there something..
...something funny about that name?
No, no, I just think that maybe I've..
...I've heard it somewhere before.
Oh, really?
Where?
Somewhere funny, I'll bet.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, guess what?
I-I have a date with, uh..
...Elizabeth Hornswoggle.
Hornswoggle?
Ooh, this must be killing you.
- Alright, see you later. - See you.
Alright, Pheebs
I am ready for my first lesson.
Okay.
Oh, no, no. You don't touch the guitar.
No. No. First, you learn here. Then you learn here.
Oh...okay.
Okay.
Okay. Lesson one.
Chords.
Now, um, I don't know the actual names of the chords
um, but I-I-I
made up names for the way my hand looks
while I'm doing them.
So then, this is bear claw.
Okay. Um, turkey leg.
And old lady.
What an interesting approach to guitar instruction.
You know, some might find it amusing.
I myself, find it regular.
[instrumental music]
Hey, everybody, Rachel was so good today.
- She didn't gossip at all. - I didn't.
Even when I found out..
Um...alright.
Well, let's just say I found out something about someone
and let's just say she's gonna keep it.
Hey, Pheebs, check this out.
Ooh, you, you nailed the old lady.
- Oh! - Oh.
[chuckles]
Yeah, listen, so I thought I was getting better
so, on my way home today
I stopped by this guitar store and--
Did you, did you touch any of the guitars
while you were there?
Did you?
No.
Give me your hands.
Strings.
Give me this.
Pick, oh.
Do you want to learn to play guitar?
- Yes. - Then don't touch one!
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hi, Ben. - Auntie Monica.
Ross is wearing leather pants.
Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants?
Someone, comment on the pants!
- I think they're very nice. - I really like them.
Yeah, nice stuff.
Not what I had in mind.
See, people like Ross
don't generally wear these types of pants.
You see, they're very tight.
Maybe there's something in that area.
Good, I think they look really good.
- I like them. - Way to go, they look great.
Yeah, where did you get them?
Oh, see, I, I needed a new thing for today
and there's this leather store I go by
that always smells so good.
And I thought to myself, wow.
You know, I've never owned
a really good-smelling
pair of pants before.
Oh, come on!
[all chuckle]
Okay, seriously, what do you think?
- Awful. - 'You look like a freak.'
Yeah. Awful.
What? Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?
It's my New Year's resolution.
To blind my child?
No, to take more pictures of all of us together.
I mean, I really think it's the best resolution
because everyone can enjoy the pictures.
Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well.
[Monica gasps]
Ooh!
[instrumental music over TV]
[thinking] Oh, my God, These pants
I'm burning up.
Oh, God, she wants to snuggle now?
What? Is she trying to kill me?
It's like a volcano in here.
Are you hot?
No.
Okay. Must just be me, then.
[leather pants squeaks]
That was just the pants on the couch.
Um, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
- Oh, go ahead. - Thanks.
[squeaking]
[grunts]
[sighs]
Ah!
[water sloshing]
Ah-h-h!
'Hey, my favorite part's coming up.'
Okay.
Oh, my God!
[instrumental music]
Tiger.
Dragon.
Iceberg.
Joseph, did you even study at all last night?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Then do Iceberg.
G-sharp.
G-sharp?
Have you been studying the real names of the chords?
Have you?
Oh, my God.
What? I didn't touch a guitar.
No, but you're questioning my method.
No, I'm not questioning it, Phoebe.
I'm saying it's stupid.
What?
Thank you.
You know, none of my other student
thought I was stupid.
Your other student was you!
Yeah, well, you know
maybe you just need to try a little harder.
Maybe I need to try a real teacher!
Right here. Here. Andy Cooper.
He teaches guitar, and look..
Ooh, there's a nice picture
of him with a little kid, yeah.
And the kid's got a guitar!
Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor!
But don't come crying to me
when everyone is sick and tired
of hearing you play "Bad Bad Leroy Brown!"
♪ Baddest man in the whole damn town ♪♪
Oh, fine. Take his side!
(Monica on phone) 'I can't wait to be with you.'
'I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben.'
'I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry'
'for a couple of hours.'
(Chandler on phone) 'Laundry? Huh?'
'Is that my new nickname?'
(Monica on phone) 'Aww!'
'You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big..'
[screams]
[instrumental music]
[phone ringing]
- Hello. - Joey, it's Ross.
I need some help.
Uh, Chandler's not here.
Well, you can help me.
Okay.
Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom.
Nice.
No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants
so I took them off, but they must have shrunk
from the, the sweat or something
or, or my legs expanded from the heat.
But I can't get them back on, Joey.
I can't.
Oh, that is quite a situation.
Uh, do you see any, like, powder?
Powder, yeah, yeah. I have powder.
(Joey on phone) 'Good, good, okay.'
Sprinkle some of that on your legs.
It'll absorb some of the moisture
and then you can get your pants back on.
Yeah, okay, hold on.
They're not coming on, man.
Um, you see any...oh, Vaseline?
Oh.
I...I see lotion.
I have lotion, will that work?
Yeah, sure, throw some of that on there.
(Ross on phone) 'Hold on.'
Uh.
Ross, you okay?
They're still, they're still not coming on, man.
And the lotion and the powder have made a paste.
Really?
Uh, what color is it?
What difference does that make?
Well, I just, if the paste matches the pants
you can make yourself a pair of paste pants
and she won't know the difference.
Joey, do you have a minute?
- Dude, what am I-- - 'Uh..'
Rachel's here. So good luck, man.
Let me know how it works out.
Oh, Joey, I have such a problem.
Oh, well, your timing couldn't be better.
I am putting our fires all over the place today.
Okay, okay.
Joey, I have got to tell you something.
What? What is it? What is it?
Oh, my God, it's so huge!
But you just have to promise me
you cannot tell anyone!
Oh, no, no, no. I don't want to know.
What? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
You do want to know. This is unbelievable!
I don't care, Rach, look, I am tired of being the guy
who knows all the secrets and can't tell anyone.
What, what secrets? You know secrets? What are they?
And you're not supposed to be gossiping!
I know, I know, I just can't keep this one in.
So I pick up the phone..
[screaming]
'La la la.'
'I'm not listening to you.'
'Ah-h-h!'
Ah-h-h!
Aah-h-h!
La la la!
[screams]
[instrumental music]
Ross, um..
...you've been in there for a long time.
I'm starting to get kind of freaked out.
(Ross) 'Alright, I'm coming out.'
'Hey, can you turn the lights off?'
No. Let's just leave the lights on.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
I had a problem.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Pheebs.
Oh, I can't talk to you.
I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages.
Look...Pheebs, I just..
I want to apologize for..
...for saying your method was stupid.
And, and maybe..
...ask you to be my teacher again?
And I promise I won't touch a guitar
until you say I'm ready.
- You really think I'm ready? - Uh-huh.
Wow. Cool.
Okay.
Was the chord at least right before--
No.
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God!
We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry.
This year was supposed to be great.
Well, it's only the second day
and I 'm a loser with stupid leather pants
that don't even fit!
- No. - You're not a loser.
Ross, you're not a loser.
Look at me!
[squeaks]
Hey, hey, look.
Look, Ross, Ben drew a picture of you.
Huh? You-you're a cowboy.
Oh.
Be-because of the leather pants?
See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser.
He thinks you're a cowboy. I mean, that's something.
- 'Yeah.' - It really is.
Howdy, partner. Hey, hey.
Maybe I should get another pair.
Ooh, you know, they, they had some with, uh..
...with, with fringe all down the sides.
I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight.
I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy.
I would make a good cowboy.
Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here
I think, I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry.
Yeah, me, too, you know, if this shirt is dirty.
Yup.
Okay, I 'm gonna go, too.
I'm gonna go to the airport.
I figure if I hang around there long enough
someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.
- Good luck, honey. - 'Bye.'
[clears throat] Hey, uh, Joey, remember that big thing
I was gonna tell you about?
Oh, no, no! Ah-h-h!
I'm not going to tell you
but if you found out on your own
that would be okay, and then we could talk about it, right?
Well then, it wouldn't be a secret
so, yeah, that would be okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
Hey, uh, Joe, would you mind going over
into Chandler's bedroom and getting that book back
'that he, uh, borrowed from me?'
Now? You want me to go over there now? Uh-uh.
Hmm.
- Do you know something? - Do you know something?
- I might know something. - I might know something, too.
What's the thing you know?
Oh, no. I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
- I can't tell you what I know. - Then, I can't tell you.
- Okay, fine. - Fine.
You don't know.
Hey, how about I go over there
and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom
and I will see the thing that I think that I know
is actually the thing that I think that I know.
[gasps]
- You know! - And you know!
Yeah, I know!
Chandler and Monica?
Oh, this is unbelievable!
How long have you known?
Too long! Oh, my God, Rach.
I've been dying to talk to someone
about this for so long!
- But listen, listen. - Okay.
You can't say anything to anybody.
They're so weird about that.
Listen.. Hey-y-y!
- Phoebe. - Hey. It's raining.
I don't like to fly in the rain, so..
Oh!
I am gonna go for a walk in the rain. Ha ha!
Oh, yeah, me, too.
That's weird.
I bet they're doing it.
[instrumental music]
Oh, good. Okay, look, I can't take it anymore.
I can't take it anymore, so you win, okay? Here.
Pheebs, flying a jet?
Better make it a spaceship, so you can get back
to your home planet!
And Ross, phone call for you today.
Tom Jones he wants his pants back!
And Hornswoggle?
What, are you dating a character from "Fraggle Rock?"
Ah-h-h!
[theme music]