What are you doing?
I, uh, reorganized the fridge.
[chuckles] See? Uh, bottom shelf, meats and dairy.
Middle shelf, fruits and vegetables.
And top shelf, expired products.
Why are you doing this?
Because I am bored out of my mind.
I've already been to the bank
the post office, and the dry cleaners.
Dude, you just described seven days' worth of stuff.
You gotta spread it out a little, you know?
Haven't you ever been unemployed?
Hey, I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical.
Hey, don't get religious on me, okay?
A guy in your position needs to be
a little better at relaxing, you know?
W-why do you think we have the comfortable chairs, huh?
Look, come here. Sit down.
[Joey sighs]
Ready? Watch.
Ah.
And then...oh-h-h, yeah, huh?
- So what? We just sit? - Oh, no, no.
We're not gonna just sit.
Watch.
[phone beeps]
[phone ringing]
(Chandler over phone) 'Hello. Chandler Bing.'
Hello, Mr. Bing
I love you.
(Chandler on phone) 'Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me!'
'It's been six months. It's not funny!'
But I love you.
'Leave me alone. For the love of God, leave me alone!'
And that's Wednesday. Ah-h.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, you guys, guess what.
[bell dinging]
The British are coming?
Oh, you and your ways.
Since it's Christmas time, I'm gonna be
one of those people collecting donations.
Yeah, I already have my bell
and later on, I get my bucket.
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be out there
spreading joy to the people.
I mean, last year, I spread a little joy
but not really enough
so this year, I'm gonna do the whole city.
You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that.
- She was very popular. - Ha.
Uh, so, Pheebs, uh, where are you doing all your bell ringing?
[gasps] They gave me a great spot right by Macy's.
Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good corner to a rookie
but I'm the only one who can say
Merry Christmas in 25 languages.
I lied.
Oh, my God. Okay, you guys, here's Danny. Watch.
Just watch this.
See? Still pretending he's not interested.
Okay, he's coming over. Just pretend like we don't know him.
We've forgotten who he is.
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Danny.
Oh, Danny, hey!
Oh, God.
Danny, you know Rachel.
S-she's nice.
She's not bad to look at, right?
Thanks, Mon.
Well, of course.
Do you wanna go out on a date with her?
Monica..
[Danny clears throat] Ab...absolutely.
Is Friday okay?
Friday is perfect. She can't wait.
On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly, right?
Alright, see you Friday.
Okay, what the hell was that?
You know what? Don't answer me.
I have a date with Danny. Ha!
[instrumental music]
How could I not get the part?
The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens.
Well, Talia Shire suddenly became available.
She's a woman.
What can I say? She nailed it.
Uh-uh, okay. Is there anything else?
Well, you're just gonna say no again, but..
...gay porn?
[instrumental music]
Happy holidays. Feliz Navidad.
Allo, and Merry Christmas.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Here's some joy.
- 'Phoebe.' - Hey.
I wanted to see how it's going.
- Well, it's going okay. - Well, good.
Here, let me help you out.
- Oh, thanks. - Yeah.
Wow.
Is that a new suede jacket? It looks really expensive.
Yeah...I...I guess.
Just get your nails done?
Yes, Phoebe, but this is all I have, okay?
Okay. Thanks.
Happy Holidays. Here's your joy.
Thank you.
Thank you. Happy Holidays.
Wait. You can't take the money out.
I'm making change. I need change for the bus.
But can't you leave the dollar?
- This money's for the poor. - I'm poor.
I gotta take the bus.
Okay, season's greetings and everything, but still..
Bite me, blondie!
Oh!
Oh, I'm gonna give him something besides joy.
Just..
[instrumental music]
That part was perfect for me.
I can't believe I didn't get it.
I'm sorry, man.
Hey, you know what you should do?
You should make something happen for yourself.
You know, like, like..
...write a play. Write a movie, huh?
I mean, what about those "Good Will Hunting" guys?
Come on, Ross, be realistic, you know?
If I did write something..
...what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it?
Wait a second. I could star in it!
Or that.
I can't write, you know, I mean, I-I'm an actor.
I don't have the discipline that it takes, you know?
I...I can't do it.
I'll help you.
Yeah, I'll make up a schedule
and make sure you stick to it.
Plus it'll give me something to do.
Really? Y-you'd do that for me?
- Yeah. - Thanks.
Alright. We'll start off slow.
The only thing you have to do tonight
is come up with the name of your main character.
- Done. - And it can't be Joey.
- It's not. - Or Joseph.
Oh.
[instrumental music]
Hi. What's up?
I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl
and he had his arm around her.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Well, you should be. This is all your fault.
You meddled in our relationship!
You had no relationship!
No, but I was doing my thing
and everything was going according to the plan.
Oh, God, stop with the plan.
So what? So what if you saw him with a girl?
Who cares? It doesn't mean anything.
Hey, look, you're gonna go out on a date with Danny
and you're gonna be so charming he's gonna forget
all about that stupid subway girl.
She was kind of stupid.
You're right.
Alright. I'm just gonna go on the date.
I'm just gonna go on the date.
That is the new plan.
Hurry! Hurry!
[instrumental music]
Hey, how do you spell suspicious?
Why?
Because I think this character
is gonna be suspicious about stuff.
Yes!
Chandler Bing, seven, Chandler Bing, zero.
You're driving me crazy with that.
- Okay. I'll stop. - No, don't stop.
Move the bowl further away. Ross could make that shot.
[clangs]
Well, you suck, but at least you suck at a man's game now.
- You wanna play? - 'I can't be playing games.'
Ross is gonna be home soon
and I have to write five whole pages
if I'm gonna stick to his schedule.
What, so, uh, play for the next 30 minutes
and you can write until he gets home.
[sighs] Alright.
But, uh, listen, what do you say
we, uh, crank it up a notch?
I'm intrigued.
Alright. All we need is a little lighter fluid.
Okay, but be careful, okay?
Because I wanna get our security deposit back.
Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that
when we invented hammer darts.
Yeah, that's right.
Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?
Uh, yeah, right here.
[bells dinging]
Thank you. Happy Holidays.
No, that's trash, young lady.
No, you can't.. Hey, stop that young lady!
She donated trash!
Hey!
The charity's on fire!
Help. Oh, good.
Thank you. I need that.
Whoa! What is this?
It's 9 o'clock in the morning.
Alright.
"A room.
"A man enters.
He looks suspicious."
That's it?
Joey, you're supposed to have five pages done by now
including an exciting incident.
W-what-what is all this?
"The, the official rulebook of fireball."
Yeah, that's the, uh, the game we were playing there.
Oh, yeah, it's great, see, you take a tennis ball
a bowl and lighter flu..
Oh, oh..
This is helping your career?
Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor.
Not the creator of crazy lawsuit game.
You're right. You're right. I'll get back to work.
And shame on you. You should know better.
Joey needs to work.
- Now, come on. - Hey.
No, ah-ah-ah, you can have this back
when the five pages are done, huh?
[screams]
[instrumental music]
I had a really nice time tonight.
So did I.
I'm really glad Monica asked us out.
I'd love to ask you in, but, uh..
...my sister's visiting, and I think she's asleep on the couch.
Your sister?
Your sister's asleep on the couch?
Oh, I saw you with her on the subway
and now she's asleep on the couch.
[chuckles] Oh, God.
- Oh, I thought I heard you. - Oh, hey, great, you're up.
Rachel, this is my sister, Krista.
Krista, this is Rachel.
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
I wish you told me we were having company.
I'd have fixed myself up.
Like it would help.
- You are so bad. - You are.
- You are.
You are!
You are so dead. I'm going to get you.
[screams]
(Danny) Come here. Come here.
[laughing]
Um, it's very nice to meet you.
[giggling]
Nobody, nobody respects the bucket.
You wouldn't believe what people put in here.
Look, okay. Does this look like a garbage can to you?
- No. - Does it look like an ashtray?
- No. - Does it look like a urinal?
Ew.
So, Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what?
Well, yeah, but I'm not gonna take any more crap, okay?
No more Mrs. Nice Bucket.
Good for you. You know, you're tough. You lived on the street.
Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being street Phoebe.
Yeah.
Oh, but you know what, I can't go totally back
because street Phoebe really wouldn't be
friends with you guys.
Hey. Um, can I ask you guys something?
- Sure. - Sure.
I don't have any brothers, so I don't know
but, uh, did you guys wrestle?
- Oh, yeah. - All the time.
In fact, I was undefeated.
Well, you weighed 200 pounds.
Still, I was quick as a cat.
Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday
uh, that was actually the girl on the subway.
And, uh, yeah, they were very, you know..
...wrestle-y..
...but I guess that's normal?
[both chuckle]
We don't, we don't wrestle now.
Yeah, not since I got too strong for you.
- Too strong for me? - Yeah.
Y-you wanna go right now?
Because I'll take you right now, buddy.
You wanna go?
Oh, fine.
Ready?
Wrestle.
[grunting]
Okay, okay. You know what?
Um, actually, that's great.
That helps a lot. Thanks.
[instrumental music]
Guys, come on. Let's go. The puck drops in 20 minutes.
Come on, Joe.
Joey's not going.
I didn't finish my five pages.
Well, why can't you finish them tomorrow?
Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages.
And yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work.
Why don't you cut him a little slack, okay?
Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done.
I think he's been relaxing enough
thanks to you and fireball.
Dude, if you think fireball's relaxing
you obviously have never played.
Yeah.
The only reason you are doing this to Joey
is because you are bored, okay?
It's not his fault that you're unemployed.
I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!
Come on, look, guys. Don't fight.
And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend
and if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing.
Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk.
If it does, then you're an amazing friend of mine.
(Joey) 'Hey, hey, guys, hey.'
How about we settle this over
a friendly game of fireball, huh?
I'll go unhook the smoke detectors.
How about we settle this right now?
There. Now no one's going to the game. Ha ha ha.
I paid for those tickets.
No, you didn't. You said you would, but you never did.
Oh, yeah.
[laughs]
[instrumental music]
So, we finally get to the top of the mountain..
...and airhead here forgets the camera.
You know, that same thing happened to me one time.
When did that happen to you?
Don't you remember, we were jogging in the park
we saw that really pretty bird
and I wanted to take a picture, but I didn't have my camera.
Okay. First of all, chasing the churro guy is not jogging.
Oh, this is so good. You have got to try it.
Hmm.
Mm.
(Danny) 'That is good.'
Oh. Damn. I got it on my pants.
Here. I'll get it.
Mm.
Better take these off upstairs, or that stain's gonna set.
Yup, I want to wear these pants on our date tonight.
Oh, great.
Okay. Bye. Oh, my God.
That was unbelievable.
Okay, see, I told you.
Yeah, wow. Sorry, Rach.
I don't believe they're brother and sister.
They're brother and sister?
[bell dinging]
Whoa-oh-oh! Wait a minute. Open your hand.
Let me take a look.
Quarter, dime, lint.
Not interested in that.
What's this, a Canadian coin?
Get out of here!
Gosh.
Whoa! No drinks near the bucket.
Set it down over there
and then you can make a contribution.
And you leave the "hurt bunny" look over there, too.
Oh, hi, Bob.
I thought I told you to get out of here!
Uh, Phoebe, we've been getting complaints
and, uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot.
What?
Uh, Ginger's gonna take over this corner.
That chick can't handle my corner.
Look, either you leave or we remove you.
Fine.
[bell dinging]
Alright. I'll give you one pointer.
Look out for that bitch.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
[clears throat]
Oh. Hey, Rach. I thought we said 7:00.
Yeah. Uh. you know what? Uh, let's skip it.
What? Uh, why?
Um...look, y-you and your sister
seem to have, um, a very special bond.
Oh, great. That "special bond" again.
Why do women have such a problem with the fact
that I'm close with my sister?
Well, okay, look, I'd.. Listen..
I don't know what's going on here, but--
Do you, do you have brothers?
No. I have two sisters.
But one of them actually has a very masculine energy.
- Are you close with them? - No, no.
They're not very nice people.
Listen...I really like you, okay?
I think this could go somewhere.
So what if I'm close to my family?
You gonna let that stand in the way of us?
Oh, well...uh, I don't know.
See, when you, when you put it that way, you know--
Danny, hurry up. The bath's getting cold.
- What? - Yeah, okay.
I'll see you later.
[instrumental music]
Oh, hey. There's some kids playing in the street.
You want to go down there, give 'em a project, ruin their day?
Hey, if they have a ball
maybe you could stick razor blades in it
and teach them a new game, gonna-need-stitches ball.
Hey, guys, I was at the library all morning
and I already finished my five pages for today.
Great. Now we can go to the ranger game last night.
No, dude, Ross tore up the tickets.
I guess when you don't have so many distractions
it's easier for you to focus, huh?
Yeah or also when you don't have somebody
breathing down your neck all the livelong day!
Yeah, well...that's fine, but the important thing is
I finished it, and, uh, I think it's really good
but you know what would really help me
is if I could hear it, so..
...would you guys read it for me?
- Yeah, alright. - Alright.
Okay.
It's a typical New York City apartment.
Two guys are hanging out. Ross?
"Hey, man."
"What is up?"
"About yesterday, I was really wrong.
I am sorry."
"No, it was me. I'm sorry. I overreacted."
"Maybe it was both of us
"but we had our best friend's inter..
But we had our best friend's interest at heart."
"Could I be more sorry?"
"I don't know, I am one sorry..
...pollentologist.."
Alright, Joey. We, we get it.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too.
Oh, no. No, no. Keep reading.
The good part's coming up. Keep going.
"I am sorry, Chandler."
"I am sorry, Ross."
[clears throat] A handsome man enters.
Hey...how's it going, guys?
I don't know what you two are talking about
but I would just like to say thanks to both of you.
You, you wouldn't let me give up on myself..
...and you..
...well, you co-created fireball.
"The End." Yeah.
This took you all day?
No, no. This only took five minutes.
I spent the rest of the day
coming up with new, ultimate fireball.
Ha! Ha!
[instrumental music]
Okay, it's a typical New York City apartment.
Two girls are just hanging out.
"Hi. How're you doing, Kelly?"
"I'm doing just fine.
God, Tiffany, you smell so great."
"It's my new perfume.
Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it?"
Oh, you know, Joey, you are sick.
- This is disgusting. - I'm not reading this.
What? Wait, wait, wait.
The handsome man was about to enter!
[theme music]