I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked.
It was like torture.
You know, if we ever go to war and you're captured
you're in for a big surprise.
It just keeps getting worse and worse, you know.
I mean, it's bad enough that I'm in love
with my roommate's girlfriend
which by the way, I think she knows
because every time we're in the same room together
there's this weird, like, energy between us.
And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too.
And now I have seen her naked.
I mean, at least when I've seen her with clothes on
I could imagine that her body was, like, covered
in boils or somethin'.
But there are no boils. She's smooth.
Smooth!
Wow, could everyone totally see up his robe?
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
- Here you go. - Great, alright.
- So I'll call you later. - Great!
Hey, hey, hey. Who was that?
That would be Casey. We're goin' out tonight.
Goin' out, huh? Wow! Wow.
So things didn't work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer.
No, things are fine with Kathy.
I'm having a late dinner with her tonight
but after my early dinner with Casey.
- What? - Yeah. Yeah.
And the craziest thing is I just ate a whole pizza myself.
Wait, you're going out with Kathy.
Yeah. Why are you gettin' so upset?
Well, I'm upset..
...for you.
You know, I mean, having sex with an endless line
of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you.
What is the big deal? It's not like we're exclusive.
Look, Joey.
Kathy's clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs.
But Casey, I mean, granted, I just saw the back of her head
but I got this sense that she's-she's smart
and funny and gets you.
You got all that from the back of her head?
Alright, look, I just think it's time for you to settle down.
You know, make a choice. Pick a lane.
Who's Elaine?
♪ Little Tony Tarzan swinging on a nose hair ♪
♪ Swinging with the greatest of ease ♪♪
[clears throat]
Darn it. I don't know how to get to the next verse.
Oh, you could just go, uh..
♪ Greatest of ease bum-mana-mana-ma.. ♪♪
And then go right into it.
Yeah, ooh, I like that. Yeah, wait..
How do you know about bamanamanama?
Well, uh, you know, I used to play.
Oh, yeah, that's right. The keyboards? Huh?
Yeah, I mean just a little in high school
but then I-I really got into it in college.
I mean, that's-that's when I really found my sound.
Oh, God, orange juice just came out of my nose
but it was totally worth it.
Oh, my God! I completely forgot about your sound.
Yeah.
He used to lock himself in the basement for hours.
No one was ever allowed to hear the sound.
I wanna hear the sound.
Really? No, I mean..
No, I haven't played in so long.
And, and..
Well, it's-it's really personal stuff, you know.
Come on, play that funky music, white boy.
- Yeah, come on. - No, you guys, I mean.
My keyboards are all the way out there..
No, yeah, okay.
- Okay, guys. - Alright. Bring it on, you.
[clears throat] Here we go.
[inhales sharply]
[keyboard note]
You know, I've..
I've never played my stuff for anyone before.
So it's important that-that you understand
it's about communicating
very private emotions.
[keyboard note]
You know, um..
You should, you should, think of, um, my work
as wordless sound poems.
- That's what-- - Oh, my God, play.
[instrumental music]
[barking]
[mooing]
[coughing]
[jackhammer rumbling]
[doorbell ringing]
[siren blaring]
[glass shattering]
[explosion]
Well, you know, that-that was, uh..
...terrific!
Really..
...bitchin'.
Wow! It was so...wow!
Really? I mean, really?
Yeah! I mean, you should play in public.
Wow, thanks, you guys. That's, uh..
Oh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece.
Um.. Uh, oh!
I left my, uh, helicopter sounds on another disk.
I'll be right back, okay?
Well, this is, this is so nice. I mean, I am, I am so..
Oh, God bless my dad for soundproofing the basement.
Oh, I can't believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers.
What are you guys talking about? I loved it!
It was so moving.
Oh, plus it's just, it's so different
from the stuff you usually hear.
You mean music?
[quacking]
Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy.
[knock on door]
Come in.
Hey. Oh, God. Is that "Baywatch?"
Uh, yes, but, uh, I just watch it for the articles.
- So is Joey around? - No, no, he's not back yet.
But he's gonna be here any minute, so, uh, come on in.
Have a seat. Bow or stern?
I don't really have a preference. You?
Well, I like it in the stern.
Of the boat.
[telephone ringing]
- Hello. - Hey, it's me.
Listen, Casey and I were on our way back
and we had a little car trouble.
- What happened? - 'We broke down on Park West.'
So I have to walk back and get some transmission fluid.
Anyway, listen, could you please tell Kathy
that I'm sorry and I'll be there as soon as I can?
Why can't you tell her?
''Cause I only have one quarter'
'and I think my time is about to..'
- Joey, Joey. - Yeah.
I thought your time ran out.
Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more..
Uh, that was Joey.
He's running a little late and he says he's sorry.
So, I guess it's just, uh, you and me then.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I think it is.
So what did you do today?
Oh, I had an appointment to cut my hair cut.
- Oh, looks great. - And then it got canceled.
- Well, I could cut it. - Really? Do you do that?
Yeah, I do, oh, of course, I learned
at my aunt's dog grooming shop, but, hey, what do you say?
- Dog grooming, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, just don't make my tail too poofy.
You have really great hair.
Oh, thanks. I grow it myself.
[moaning]
You know who also has great hair is Joey.
Yes, yeah, Joey has great hair.
- Mm-hmm. - Um, I'm basically done here.
Let me just get this hair off your neck.
What-what you doin'?
I'm checking to see if it's even.
Okay.
Looks good.
[telephone ringing]
Oh, it's the phone! The phone's making sounds!
- Hello. - Hey, dude, it's me.
- Hey, it's Joey. - Listen, um, I'm really sorry.
But it looks like we're gonna be stuck here for a while.
I got the transmission fluid, went to put it in the car
the transmission wasn't there.
- What? - 'Yeah, it must've fallen out.'
A few blocks back. I just figured we hit a dog.
Okay.
'Listen, uh, could you put Kathy on?'
- 'I wanna apologize to her.' - Oh, yeah, man.
- It's Joey. - Oh!
Hey. Oh, no, it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, no, stop apologizing. It's okay.
Yeah. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- I should, uh, probably go. - Yeah, yes, yeah.
[knock on door]
- I forgot my purse. - Oh!
Oh, I really did. I forgot my purse.
[babbling]
Oh, no, no, no. This is bad.
- It's bad. This is bad. - Horrible!
Wait, the, uh, the kiss or the situation?
No, no, no. The kiss was good.
- No, but that's bad. - Yes, okay. Here's what we do.
- We-we forget it happened. - What?
Okay, we-we swallow our feelings.
Even if it means we're unhappy forever. Sound good?
Can you really do that?
I have to. He's my best friend.
And you're seeing him.
Oh, Chandler, I like Joey a lot but with you--
Oh, no, don't, don't. See?
See, you're getting me confused. I'm starting to yearn.
I'm sorry.
If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try.
I-I think we have to.
Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Are you still out there?
(Kathy) 'No.'
[instrumental music]
Electrifying.
Infinite time time time.
You know, there's a Starbucks about three blocks down.
He's so inspired. Look at him. Look at him go.
[clock ticking]
[explosion]
[robotic tone] Thank you very much.
Hey, aren't you up next?
Oh, no, I'm not playing tonight.
Why not?
I can't follow Ross.
Okay, then it'd be like those poor bicycle-riding chimps
who had to follow The Beatles. No.
Phoebe, Ross sucks.
Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him.
Oh, my God, he's not even appreciated in his own time.
I would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time.
Okay, um, Phoebe..
...you suck too.
Yeah, Phoebe, you're...awful.
You guys.
Yeah, you suck too.
Oh, man, I can't believe I locked myself out again.
Hang on, buddy.
Oh, my God! What happened here?
Did you do all this?
- 'I sure did.' - Why?
Well, I just thought it would make me feel good
to do something nice for my friend.
You're amazing.
No, no, no, this is amazing.
A TV that appears as if from nowhere.
That's the dream.
Man, how did you afford all this stuff?
Well, you know I'm 29.
I mean, who needs a savings account?
You are the best friend anyone has ever had.
Oh, I don't know.
No, no, no, you are.
You do this. You give me the great advice.
And, hey, listen, I was thinking about what you said yesterday
about focusing on one woman? I'm gonna do that.
- You mean with Casey? - No, no, no.
I think I'm gonna see how things go with Kathy.
She's pretty cool.
- Or Casey. - No, no, Kathy.
- Could be Casey. - No, no, Kathy.
- Consider Casey. - Hey, you know what I think.
I think somebody's got a little crush on Casey.
How about I fix you two up? What do you think?
That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place.
- Hey. - Hey, you were really great.
- You were really, really great. - Oh!
Thanks, thanks.
So Monica tells me that, uh, you don't wanna play anymore
because of me, and you know, my talent.
- Is that true? - Well, kinda, yeah, yeah.
- Pheebs. - Yeah, I..
And you know, and I was trying to be really
you know, okay and upbeat about it
but I just, I feel so...dwarfed by your musical gift.
- I.. - See, but..
Pheebs, that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music.
You know, my music is-is meant to inspire.
And if it bothers you this much, then I..
...I won't play anymore.
Oh, no, no, no, don't do that.
How could I live with myself if I knew
I was depriving the world of your music?
Yeah, okay.
Hey, Chandler, saw the new furniture. Very nice.
Yeah, Joey has the best boyfriend ever.
- I kissed Kathy. - What?
- Oh, God! - Are you serious?
- Does Joey know? - 'No.'
Is there any way, any way
you think he will understand this?
You obviously haven't screwed over a lot of your friends..
...which we all appreciate.
You know, the-the sad thing is if you had told him
how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey
he probably just would have stepped aside.
Oh, don't say that. Don't say that.
That's not true, is it?
- Maybe, yeah. - Man, he loves you.
Then why didn't you tell me to do that?
I don't know. I-I said something to Phoebe.
Yeah, that, no, that's right
and I thought it was a really good idea.
- Yeah, I remember. - Oh, my God!
What am I gonna do?
Well, Chandler, you're gonna have to tell him.
Why? Why do I have to tell him?
- Because you do. - Yeah, I know.
Hey.
Would it be okay if I wrote a song about this?
- Hey. - Hey.
Sambuca margarita?
It that a real thing?
Well, we only had sambuca so it is now.
Listen, uh, Joe, I-I need to
I need to talk to you about something.
- What's up? - Ahem.
It's-it's about Kathy.
Hmm, uh, I like her.
I like her a lot, actually.
- You do? - Yeah.
Well, your timing couldn't be better.
She's not my girlfriend anymore.
- What? - Yeah, she broke up with me.
Oh, uh, when?
Just now, after acting class.
At first, I thought she was doing some kinda scene
that's why I let people watch, you know.
Oh, man, I am so sorry. Are you, a-are you okay?
I've been better, yeah, but I'm alright.
- So you like her, huh? - Yes, but I-I don't have to.
No, no, no, it's, uh, it's okay.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You know why? 'Cause you came to me first.
Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do.
But, hey, listen, just so you know
you might have your work cut out for you
because when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling
she's into some other guy, so..
See, uh, that's-that's actually what
I wanted to talk to you about.
I-I think I know who the other guy is.
Who?
Oh, it's me.
I'm the other guy.
What?
Yeah, I mean, when you were late last night
Kathy and I got to talking and..
...one thing led to another and..
And what? Did you sleep with her?
- No, no, no, I just kissed her. - What? That's even worse.
- How is that worse? - I don't know.
But it's the same.
Look, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I could do.
I think I'm in love with her.
Who cares? You went behind my back?
I would never do that to you.
You're right. I have no excuses.
- I was totally over the line. - Over the line?
You-you-you're so far past the line
that you can't even see the line.
Yeah, the line is a dot to you.
Yes, yes, right, and I feel horrible.
You have to believe me.
Oh, my God. Is that why you bought all this stuff?
Well, you know what?
I will not watch your TV.
I will not listen to your stereo.
And there's a cinnamon raisin loaf
in the new bread maker that I'm not gonna eat.
- You know why? - Probably because--
Because it's all tainted with your betrayal.
From now on, this apartment is empty to me.
I'm not happy about you either.
[oven timer dings]
Oh, and just so you know..
...I made that bread for you.
[rooster crowing]
[buzzing]
Oh, my God, he's lost it. He's totally lost it.
What?
Phoebe, this is music that cannot get any worse.
There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves.
[explosion]
Thank you. Thanks.
Yeah, I lost it.
You know what, I'm not gonna play anymore.
Would you.. Can you finish my set?
After that? Yeah.
No, I mean, if I can help, yeah.
Yeah, like I could lose it.
- What? - I played bad on purpose, guys.
[laughing]
Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time.
Yeah.. No, just that last song.