So thank you for the delicious dinner.
You're welcome for a delicious dinner.
Hey, what are you guys looking at?
(Chandler) 'Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.'
Yeah, come to Papa!
I know!
Probably the only time I'll ever say this.
But did you see the ass on her?
What did you.. When did you..
How did you.. How did you get a girl like that?
Yeah, so what is she, like a-like a spokesmodel?
Aerobics instructor? What?
Actually, she's a paleontology doctoral candidate
specializing in the Cenozoic Era.
Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.
I've seen her at work, but I always figured..
[scoffs]
But, uh, I made her dinner.
We had a great time
and we're going out again tomorrow.
Well, maybe she and her friends are just having a contest
to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
Fine by me. Hope she wins.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Hi.
You guys have any wrapping paper?
Oh, is it for my birthday present?
Phoebes, it was your birthday like, months ago.
Yeah, but, remember you said you ordered something
special and it just hadn't come yet?
Well, I have a call in about that.
Oh. Okay.
Actually, this is for, uh, Kathy's birthday.
It's an early edition of her favorite book.
Oh, "The Velveteen Rabbit!"
Oh, my God. When the boys love makes the rabbit real..
Okay, but don't touch it
because your fingers have destructive oils.
Oh, well, then, you'd better keep it away from Ross' hair.
So this is pretty rare.
- How did you get that? - Oh, it wasn't a big deal.
I just went to a couple of bookstores
talked to a couple of dealers
called a couple of the author's grandchildren.
Oh, honey, that's so sweet.
Yeah and what a great way to say
I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend.
It doesn't say that.
Does it?
How do you think it's gonna look when you get her
something incredibly meaningful
and expensive, and her boyfriend, Joey
gives her an orange?
Okay, alright, I'll just, uh, make sure
that, uh, Joey gets her something really great.
It's got to be better than that book.
Ooh, like a crossbow!
Yeah, once again, I am sorry.
Thank you. Bye.
I just had to turn down a job
catering a funeral for 60 people.
Oh, my God! What happened?
Sixty guests.
So, uh, why'd you have to turn it down?
Because I don't have the money or the equipment
to handle something that big on such short notice.
I mean, there's just no way.
Wow, what is with all the negativity?
God, you sound like Moni-can't, not Moni-can!
Moni-ca.
Look, you know, you've been playing around
with this catering thing for over three years.
Do you wanna be a caterer or not?
- I don't know. - There you go!
That's the spirit!
Okay, now if you need money, I will lend you money.
- But just get moving! - Really?
Because I'd need like $500
for all the food and supplies and stuff.
Okay, it's worth it if it'll get you moving.
You haven't worked in months.
Well, you're not working either.
Yes, but I'm doing this.
Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you.
[chuckles]
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey!
Can I borrow the keys to your apartment?
Why?
[giggles]
You can pee here.
[laughs]
Yes, I can, of course. Excuse me.
It's okay. The duck's using our bathroom anyway.
[chuckles]
Hey, Joe, what are you getting Kathy for her birthday?
We've only been going out for a couple weeks.
Do you think I gotta get her something?
- Yes. - Yeah.
You have to get her something
and it should be something really nice.
Oh, I know!
And not one of your coupons
for an hour of "Joey Love."
[instrumental music]
- Oh, a crossword! Can I help? - No!
I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week
I got all but three answers
and I really wanna finish the whole one without any help.
Fine.
But you can't help me develop
my new universal language.
- Hey. - Hey, how'd it go?
Oh, my God! It was the best funeral ever!
I mean everyone loved the food. And guess what?
I even got another funeral for tomorrow.
The dead guy from today's best friend.
I mean, it is like, I am the official caterer
for that accident.
Mon, I'm so happy for you!
Oh, thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff.
- Whoa! - Look at this!
I'm an omelet station!
Omelet. Made to order.
[chuckles]
I'll have one, please. Plus my money.
[laughs]
Oh! Well.
I didn't realize that you needed it back right away.
I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer.
So I went. I be'd.
I mean, I-I used it to buy all this stuff.
But, look. I got another job tomorrow.
So I'll pay you back with the money I make from that.
Oh. Okay.
Oh, sorry, I acted like a bank.
Oh.
[instrumental music]
- Huh! - Um..
Would you like to come in?
Did Homo erectus hunt with wooden tools?
According to recent findings.
[chuckles]
Here, Mitzi. Here, Mitzi.
Uh...Mitzi is..
My hamster.
I hope she's okay. I-I haven't seen her in a while.
Have a seat.
[no audio]
Uh, oh, hey.
Do you, uh..
Do you have any, um, cinnamon fruit toasties?
- What? - Well, I do.
Why don't we go back to my place
light a couple of candles..
...break open a box of cinnamon fruit toasties, huh?
I'd rather not.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Okay, um..
...don't take this the wrong way.
But your place kind of has a weird smell.
[instrumental music]
Oh, is everything in the car?
Yeah, did you settle the bill?
No.
I hate this part.
Ooh. Oh. Look what we almost left!
- No, that's not mine. - Oh, alright.
Ooh, look what we almost took!
Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart?
Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen.
Oh. Good.
Thank you.
Um..
And, well, there's this-this, this small matter of the, um..
- Dear? - Just the matter of...payment.
Jack used to handle the finances.
[crying]
[sighs]
You know what we should all do?
Go see a musical.
Sure.
You know which one we should see?
The 1996 Tony Award winner.
Do you happen to know the name of that one?
I don't know, um, "Grease?"
No.
"Rent?"
Yes! "Rent!"
Okay, so when do you want to go?
What? Oh, I'm sorry. I can't, I'm busy.
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
Oh!
Yes, it is, at Office Max!
What did you get her?
A pen.
It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock.
Huh?
[laughs]
You can't give her that.
- Why not? - Because she's not 11!
And it's not the seventh night of Chanukah!
Okay, honey, what he means by that is..
Well, this is a very nice gift
maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives.
Sure it is.
She needs a pen for work.
She's writing, she turns it over.
Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!
Alright, look, look. What..
What did you get for Angela Del Veccio
for her birthday?
She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
For three years?
Look, it's too late, and I got an audition.
I can't shop anymore. I..
Alright, I will go out
and I will try to find something for her, okay?
Thanks, man.
And oh, while you're at it
could you get her a card?
Would you like me to write her a little poem as well?
Or just get a card that has a poem already in it.
But, Mon, you have to get our money.
Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying.
With those thick glasses, her tears look giant.
I know, it's tough.
You know, what the first thing
I did after my mother's funeral was?
- What? - Pay the caterer!
Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay?
And there are some people who just always try
to get out of paying.
It's either, you know
that massage wasn't long enough
or I don't recognize any of those songs
or you know, these sombreros aren't big enough
bad little white girl!
Okay.
So what do you-you think, she's faking?
Well, um, it seems like there weren't any tears
'til you showed her the bill.
Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me.
♪ You're a grand ol' flag ♪
♪ You're a high flying flag ♪
♪ And forever in peace may you wave.. ♪
She seems fine now.
♪ Land I love the home of.. ♪♪
[instrumental music]
So you just left?
Her place was really that bad?
You know how you throw your jacket
on a chair at the end of the day?
- Yeah. - Like that.
Only instead of a chair
it's a pile of garbage.
And instead of a jacket,
it's a pile of garbage.
And instead of the end of the day
it's the end of time
and garbage is all that has survived.
- Here. - Wow. Thanks.
So, uh, what happened?
What do you mean? Nothing happened.
- I had to get out of there. - Alright.
So next time, you take her to your place.
No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell.
- What kind of smell? - I don't know. Soap.
Alright, listen, Ross.
- You like this girl, right? - Yeah.
You wanna see her again.
- Right? - Yeah.
So you're gonna have to do it in the mess!
- Yeah, okay. You're right. - Yeah.
I mean, uh..
...who-who cares about a little sloppiness?
It's, uh, it's endearing, really.
Alright!
Now, you go get that beautiful pig!
Okay.
[snarls]
[instrumental music]
Okay, alright.
I just spent the entire afternoon
looking for a present for Kathy
that would be better than "The Rabbit."
- Any luck? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I found this great place called
invisible things for Kathy.
Can you give me a hand with all this stuff?
Alright look, why don't you just return the book
let Joey give her the clock pen
and you get her something worse than that
like...a regular pen.
She's really gonna love this, you know?
The bottom line is, I want her to have it..
...even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her.
Oh, honey, that's so sweet.
Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic?
Oh, pathetic!
Hey, I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes!
I've been looking all over for you!
- Where? - Our place. The hall. I..
I got something for her.
[sighs]
It's a book.
A book?
Is it like the book that's also a safe?
No, it's a book that's just a book, okay?
It's an early edition of "The Velveteen Rabbit."
It was her favorite book as a kid.
So, uh, just let me know if she likes it, okay?
Oh, you got it. Thanks, man.
Thanks for doing this. I owe you one.
Okay.
Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there?
No, it came out to an even twenty.
Wow. That's almost as much as a new book.
[piano music]
♪ Jeepers creepers ♪
♪ Where'd you get those peepers ♪
♪ Jeepers creepers ♪
♪ Where'd you get those eyes.. ♪♪
You didn't get the money, did you?
Maybe I can try at intermission?
Oh, Phoebe, come on. You know what? Let's just go!
No, hey, we're not leaving till we get paid!
God, I don't know who she thinks she is.
Enough is enough!
Hey, widow.
Okay, widow!
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Thanks. Um..
...clearly this is a very, very hard time for you.
Um, but, um, we provided a service
and we deserve to be paid
because you ate that service.
And, um, we are not leaving here
until we are paid every penny
because you know what, lady, we're part time caterers
and we have no place else to go.
Alright. I'll get my bag.
Good.
I'm gonna leave some cards here.
Please think of us for your next event.
So you want to come inside?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable.
Guess who?
Uh, department of sanitation?
It's me.
Oh.
- Oh. - Hmm.
[moaning]
Oh!
What?
- Oh, Cheryl! - Oh!
Oh! Oh!
[screaming]
[screams]
No! No!
It's my hamster! It's Mitzi!
Oh, my God! I'm-I'm so sorry, Cheryl.
I-I must have freaked out.
Oh, thank God, it's not Mitzi!
[sighs]
It's just a rat.
[instrumental music]
I did it!
Oh! I finished it!
I did it all by myself!
And there's nobody to hug.
[metal clanking]
Move!
[thud]
Hey. Hey, you guys!
I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me.
- Yay! - Thank you.
(Monica) 'Oh, that's great! Congratulations!'
(Rachel) 'Thank you.'
Hey, how'd the catering go?
Oh, it was great!
The widow wouldn't pay
so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did.
Yeah, I'm a hard-ass.
And I'm a wuss.
- And we should be partners. - Yeah.
Hard-ass and wuss. We could fight crime.
Wait a minute, Phoebe.
We should be partners.
We should be catering partners.
I mean, think about it, you-you're not working
right now, and we have such a great time together!
Okay.
I cook and you can take care of the money.
Yeah, ooh, it'll be like I have a wife in the 50s!
[screaming]
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
How'd it go? How did she like the gift?
Oh, man. She loved it.
She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now.
Oh, yeah? That's great.
Hey, listen, uh, I gotta tell ya.
I feel kinda bad taking credit for this
because, man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this!
[laughs]
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey.
- Happy birthday. - Thank you.
You know, uh, Chandler got you a gift too.
No, he didn't.
Yeah, he did. Look, look it's right there on the counter.
[chuckles]
Happy birthday.
I'm sorry.
You really didn't have to.
Wow!
See, you, you think
it's just a pen, but then, you-you turn it over
and it's also a clock.
No, this is great!
- Thank you, Chandler. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh. Wanna go to bed?
I'll be in, in a minute.
Oh, uh, don't forget your coupon.
Good night.
Um, thank you for the gift.
Oh, uh, yeah, I just-I just knew that sometimes
when you're writing
you-you don't always know the exact time.
[chuckles] No.
I-I didn't mean the pen.
Thank you for the book.
Uh, the book?
"The Velveteen Rabbit."
I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.
What do you mean?
Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said
"This is 'cause I know you like rabbits
and I know you like cheese."
Thanks. I love it.
And I know how hard it must have been for you to find.
Oh, well..
By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was
uh, well.
You must really like Joey to go to all that trouble for him.
Oh, yeah, he's my..
He's my best friend.
- Well.. - Good night.
Hey, that coupon expires, you know?
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Hi. Uh, you-you don't know me.
I'm Monica Geller, Ross' sister.
Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, it's too bad that didn't work out.
Yeah, anyway, he told me about your apartment.
And, um, well, I-I couldn't sleep thinking about it.
So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it?
No?
[theme music]