[instrumental music]
Oh, hey, new wallet, huh?
Uh, yeah, it was time.
The old condom ring in the leather
just doesn't say cool anymore, you know?
Rachel, you just put an empty carton back in the fridge.
Yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
Have you ever taken out the trash?
Well, I, uh , thought you liked doing it.
Third door on the left.
Right!
Oh, hey, Mr. Treeger.
Hey.
What are you doin'?
Um..
Oh! Oh!
I'm sorry.
It's a little old but..
Enough.
You're clogging up the chute, I just spent
a half hour unclogging.
Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't..
I don't come in here a lot.
Ah, yeah, of course, you don't.
'Cause you're a little princess.
Daddy, buy me a pizza.
Daddy, buy me a candy factory.
Daddy, make the cast of "Cats" sing "Happy birthday" to me.
What? You think, you can just come in here
make a mess, a big man in the coveralls
will come and clean it up, huh?
Well, why don't you think of someone else for a change?
Okay, I'm sorry.
God, if you're gonna cry about it!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ Well it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Whoa, whoa, Treeger made you cry?
Yes.
He said really mean things
that were only partly true.
I'm gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson.
Uh, Joey, please don't do that.
I think, it's best that we just forget about it.
That's easy for you to say. You weren't almost just killed.
Alright, that's it. School is in session!
Oh, God, is this a gym card?
Oh, yeah, gym member.
I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last..
...1200 times.
So why don't you quit?
You don't think I've tried?
You think I like having $50
taken out of my bank account every month?
No, they make you go all the way down there.
Then, they use all these phrases and peppiness
to try to confuse you.
And then, they bring out Maria.
- Who is Maria? - Oh, Maria.
You can't say no to her.
She's like this Lycra
Spandex covered, gym treat.
Do you need me to go down there with you
and hold your hand?
No.
Alright, so you're strong enough to face her alone?
Oh, no. You'll have to come.
- Tribbiani. - Hmm.
Hold on, I'll get the plunger.
Hey.
You hold on, pal. Now you made my friend Rachel cry.
So now, you're gonna go up there
and you're gonna apologize to her
unless you want me to call the landlord.
And tell him what?
Maybe you haven't heard of a little something called
not making girls cry.
Yeah, well, maybe you haven't heard of a little something
called the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968.
I have actually not heard of that.
Yeah, well, your friends are in violation of it.
Now, I've been a nice guy up until now
but, uh, I don't need this grief.
I'm gonna call the landlord and tell him that
Monica's illegally subletting her grandmother's apartment.
Your friends are out of here, pal.
Why don't you tell me somethin' I don't know?
Oh, please, somebody tell me
I don't have to go to work today.
What's the matter?
Uh, my first massage
is this incredibly gorgeous guy
and every time I see him, I just want to
do things to him that I'm not allowed to charge for.
So do them for free.
Oh, no, it is forbidden.
No, no, huh..
Mrs. Potter fires people for messing around with clients.
And it's against my oath as a masseuse.
They make you take an oath?
No, I made myself take one.
Yeah, no fooling around with clients
and, um, always be prepared.
Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts
but it just makes good sense.
Why don't you just give him to somebody else?
No, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional.
Oh, Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?
Well, and you got a pedicure.
Your feet are all dressed up.
Because that's the only part of you
he can see when he's on the table.
You're gonna do some feet flirting!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Then, how do you explain the toe ring?
Because it's Arabian princess day at work, okay?
Leave me alone!
[instrumental music]
Oh! My hero. What happened?
Well, uh, I went down there and I told him
no one treats my friends like that.
And he better come up here and apologize.
- I'll see you later. - 'Wait a minute.'
What did he say?
Uh..
He said that he wasn't gonna apologize because
you guys are living here illegally.
So instead, what he's gonna do is have you evicted.
I'll see you later.
- Yo-you got us evicted? - What?
I told you not to go down there.
What? He made Rachel cry!
- Rachel always cries. - Ah!
That's not true.
Now, Joey, you go down there, and you suck up to him.
I mean, you suck like you've never sucked before.
Alright, I'll try.
But if I can't
you stay with Chandler and I till you get settled.
- Go! - Alright, alright, alright.
I mean, I have to check with him first
but I think he'll be cool.
[instrumental music]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.
Now, remember what we talked about. You gotta be strong.
Yes. Yes!
Now one more time.
Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach
and rock-hard pecs?
No, I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.
- Good, that's good. - Okay, okay.
I wanna quit the gym.
You wanna quit?
I wanna quit the gym.
You do realize you won't have access
to our new full service Swedish spa?
[grunts]
I wanna quit the gym.
Okay, Dave in the membership office handles quitters.
Excuse me. Are you a member?
Me?
No.
Sorry. Members only.
I wanna quit the gym.
It's okay, man. Be strong.
[grunts]
So are you a member of any gym?
No, and I'm not going to be.
So you can save your little speech.
Okay, no problem.
Could you come here for a second?
Hi, I'm Maria.
Hmm.
[instrumental music]
Wow, you have really pretty feet.
These old things?
Would you mind spending some time on my sciatic area?
It's been killing me today.
You mean the..
Okay, by sciatic, you mean, the..
...towel-covered portion?
Yeah.
Sure, yeah. No, I can do that.
Yeah, because, uh, you know
usually the muscles in the sciatic area can get
you know, real nice and tight.
Yeah.
So, uh, tell me, Rick
how, um, how did you injure the area?
A 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
Oh.
[screams]
- Did you just bite me? - No.
[instrumental music]
What?
Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out.
Uh, this wasn't their fault, it was mine.
You want me to kick you guys out instead?
No, you can't do that.
Where would the chick and the duck live?
You have pets?
No! No, no, no.
No, those are, uh, nicknames.
Yeah, I'm the chick, and Chandler's the duck.
Ha!
I would've thought it was the other way around.
C-come on, man. Jus-just let the girls stay.
I'll do whatever you want.
Really? You'd do anything?
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Hey, I got something you can do.
What? What? What is it?
Can you be my dancing partner?
That's not prison lingo, is it?
[instrumental music]
His dancing partner?
Yeah, there's this superintendents' dance
the Super Ball.
And he wants to impress Marge
this lady super that he's got a crush on.
Why doesn't he just practice with a girl?
Well, he's too shy.
He doesn't think he is good enough
to dance with girls yet.
Yeah, right.
He almost danced me right down that..
...garbage chute.
Ah! Would you let it go already?
You're fine.
[sobbing]
- Hey. - Hey, so did you quit?
No, I almost did.
Couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter.
Wait, now, so you joined the gym?
[laughing]
And that's funny, why?
Oh, uh, ahem.
I was just, you know, picturing you..
...working out, and, um..
Oh, that's it.
We're doomed.
Okay, they're gonna take 50 bucks a month
out of our accounts for the rest of our lives.
What are we gonna do?
Well, you could actually go to the gym.
[laughing]
Or...or we could go to the bank
close our accounts and cut them off at the source.
You're a genius.
Oh, man! But then, we won't be bank buddies.
Now there's two reasons.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, you guys
remember that cute client I told you about?
I bit him.
- Where? - On the tushy.
And that's not against your oath.
No, I know, I..
I'm sorry, but the moment I touch him
I just want to throw out my old oath
and take a new, dirty one.
Well, next time you're massaging him
you should try to distract yourself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like
like, when I'm doing something excitin'
and I d-don't wanna get too..
...excited
I just, uh, you know..
I try and think of other things like, uh..
...sandwiches
and, uh, baseball
and, uh, Chandler.
- Thank you, Joey. - Oh, no, thank you.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Alright, I'm here. Let's, uh..
Let's get this over with.
Okay, yeah, well
just, uh, follow my lead.
[instrumental music]
Whoa, whoa, don't we need to
do some kind of preparation first?
Like, uh, get really drunk?
Ah, come on. H-hey, just, uh, just, uh
put your arms around me, eh.
[music continues]
I-I-I'm sorry.
No. It's okay.
But if I'm Marge
my breasts are comin' out my back.
Ah, forget it.
I'm not being any good at this.
My mom was right.
I'm just a big potato with arms and legs and a head.
Come on, man. You're not a potato.
I'm sure as hell not a dancer.
Uh, it's no use.
Marge will never go for me.
Uh, come on, Treeger. Don't say that. You just, uh..
You just need more practice.
Here, come on. Let's, uh, let's try it again.
[instrumental music]
Come on.
Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault anyway.
I mean, you know, I'm not really
that comfortable dancing with a..
Whoo-hoo!
[sighs]
So how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
Ha ha ha. You guys owe me big-time.
What was that?
What?
You just did a little dancy thing.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
- You did like a little hop. - You are so enjoying this.
No, I'm not.
And it wasn't a hop. It was a pas de bourree.
[laughing]
You know the words.
You are so into this.
Alright, well, maybe I'm enjoying it a little bit.
I mean, I'm getting pretty good at it.
Oh, this is so sweet.
Joey, our little twinkle toes.
Hey, hey, hold on.
This isn't some kind of like, girly dance.
Alright, it's like a sport, you know, it's manly.
- Yeah. - Hmm.
R-right, come here. show me some manly moves.
Alright.
Okay.
I don't know how to lead.
[instrumental music]
- Hello. - Hi.
We'd like to close our accounts.
Close your accounts? Is there some kind of a problem?
No, no.
No, we'd just like to close them.
Okay.
Ms. Lambert handles all our closures.
Would you come over here, please?
Hi, I'm Karen.
I wanna quit the bank!
[instrumental music]
[Phoebe] Okay. Baseball.
Rick playing baseball.
Okay, he slides into second.
Maybe even his pants come down a little.
Oh, no wait. Don't.. No.
No. Okay, alright, sandwiches. Sandwiches.
Um, okay, on a plate.
Maybe Rick's pants come down a little.
No! No!
Uh, Chandler.
Okay, Chandler. Ooh, that's working.
[instrumental music]
Chandler's knees.
Chandler's ankles.
Chandler's ankle hair.
Oh, no!
Okay, you're all set.
Ah, wow! That was amazing.
- Was that really just an hour? - Yeah.
In really long-hour world.
What?
[sighs] Okay.
I have an enormous crush on you.
But because you're a client, I can't ask you out even though
you give, you know, the feelings.
Wow, I had no idea.
But, uh
hey, I can always find another masseuse.
Really?
Yeah, really.
What?
Suddenly, I'm very aware that I'm naked.
Okay, quiet down.
Mr. Simon's been waiting for..
Oh, my God.
Why wasn't I offered that?
I'd definitely pay more for that.
Phoebe, we have rules here.
This is not that kind of place.
Oh, yeah and, oh, I know
but this isn't how it looks at all
'cause Rick is, uh, my husband.
'Oh, really?'
Well, then you better tell his other wife
'cause she called three times asking where he is.
Yes, I will tell her.
So you didn't leave the bank?
No, and somehow we ended up
with a joint checking account.
What are you ever gonna use that for?
To pay for the gym.
- Hey. - Hey.
So I had a great day.
Rick and I really hit it off
and we started making out.
And then my boss walked in
and fired me for being a whore.
[gasps] What?
- You got fired? - Oh, my gosh.
It's so weird. I have never been fired from anything before.
Sweetie.
I just, I just started walking around
not knowing what to do next, you know.
I-I started asking people on the street
if they wanted massages.
Then, these policemen thought I was a whore too.
It's really been a bad day, whore-wise.
[knock on door]
Hey, duck. Is chick here?
Yeah, bunny rabbit.
So you, uh, ready for our last practice?
Yeah, but, you know, I think the reason why we're not getting
that spin right is because my apartment is too small.
Oh, you wanna use our place?
No, uh-uh, I had another idea.
[Frank Sinatra singing "Night and Day"]
♪ Night and day ♪
♪ You are the one ♪
♪ Only you 'neath the moon or under the sun ♪
♪ Whether near to me or far ♪
♪ It's no matter darling where you are ♪
♪ I think of you night and day ♪♪
We did it!
Oh, yeah, we did it. Hey, that was incredible, huh?
That was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it.
It-it was beautiful.
Hey, listen. Thanks a lot, Tribbiani.
Oh, my God, uh, look at the time.
I-I gotta catch the bus to the ball.
Oh, okay.
- Good luck. - Yeah.
Uh-uh, unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again.
O-or the Tango?
Ah, thanks, but, uh, no.
You see, I-I think I'm ready to dance with girls.
Okay, go get them, Treeger.
Right.
Hey, uh, you wanna come? M-Marge has a girlfriend.
- Really? - 'Yeah.'
Uh, you could dance really good with her.
She's the same size as me.
No, I'm good.
[instrumental music]
♪ Night and day ♪♪
[instrumental music]
So it looks like you've got some great experience here.
Let's see. Reason for leaving last job?
Yeah, they thought I was a whore.
Okay. We'll give you a call if anything comes up.
Great. Thank you very much. Thanks.
[theme music]