Hey, we are so in luck.
Treeger said we could have all this cool stuff
from the basement.
Wait right there.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm-I'm paddling away.
- Huh? - Wow! Really?
We got all this rusty crap for free?
Uh-huh, this and a bunch of bubble wrap
and some of it is not even popped.
[chicken chirping]
[duck quacking]
Could we be more white trash?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
How desperate am I?
Oh, good thing Chandler's not here.
He always wins at this game.
I just told my mom I'd cater a party for her.
- How come? - Because I need the money.
And I thought it would be a great way to get rid
of that last little smidgen of self-respect.
Come on, I think this is a good thing.
Well, I don't think mom would have hired you
if she didn't think you were good at what you do.
You don't have to stick up for her. She can't hear you.
Hey, um, you guys have any juice?
Just pickle.
Hey, uh, Rach, funny story.
I bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.
My boss Joanna? Well, that must have been awkward.
Well, no, actually, she, uh, asked me
if I wanted to get a drink.
[chuckles]
You, uh, didn't say yes to that, did you?
[chuckling] No. No.
Hello, Rachel.
Well, not at first.
What is she doing here?
[imitating bed creaking]
I don't understand, last time you went out with her
you said she was a big, dull dud.
Well, I think I judged her too quickly.
And this time, we were able to take
the relationship to the next level.
[imitating bed creaking]
Uh, well, last time, I almost got fired.
You must end it. You must end it now.
Oh, come on, it's not like
this is an everyday occurrence for me.
I mean, usually I'm pretty much just in there by myself.
[imitating bed creaking]
Chandler!
Promise me you will end it.
- Okay, I promise I'll end it. - Thank you.
Well, I hope you know what I'm giving up for ya.
Because she's not just the boss in your office
if you know what I mean.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Oh, oh, sorry. I-I knew what he meant.
How's the hired help?
Doing great. Quiches are coming along.
What's this? Blue nail polish?
Yeah, I thought it was cute.
Ha, it's what your grandmother's hands looked like
when we found her.
- Let-let me ask you a question. - Hmm.
Why did you hire me?
Oh, well, Richard raved about the food at his party.
Of course, you were sleeping with him.
Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice.
I assume you weren't sleeping with anyone there.
So at least that would be something.
Oh, my God! Did you hear that?
She hired me because she thinks I'm good.
Okay, I didn't hear that.
So yeah, she didn't hire me out of pity.
It wasn't so she could pick on me in front of her friends.
She actually thinks I'm good.
Wow! And, hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian.
[knock on door]
Good afternoon. Are you the decision maker of the house?
Uh..
Do you, uh, currently own a set of encyclopedias?
No, no, but, uh, try the classifieds.
People sell everything in there.
Actually, I'm not buying. I'm selling.
Let me ask you one question.
Do your friends ever have a conversation
and you just nod along even though you're not
really sure what they're talking about?
[instrumental music]
I'm telling you it's totally unconstitutional.
- Yeah. - I totally agree.
I think he deserves a Nobel Prize.
- I don't agree with you. - Oh, no.
I mean, it was like the Algonquin kid's table.
[laughing]
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
You haven't said anything for about two and a half minutes.
Are you at all interested?
Yeah, well, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah. Come on in, come on.
That's weird.
- What? - Your nails.
Oh, I know. I never wear fake ones.
I just did it so my mom wouldn't give me
grief about me biting them.
Oh, no, I meant it's weird
that you only have nine now.
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
I had it when I put..
Oh, my God! It's in the quiche.
- Oh, my God! - Okay, don't panic.
I'm gonna go to the store, I'm gonna get you another set
of nails, no one's gonna know and you're gonna look great.
Oh! Oh, it's 'cause they're gonna eat, that's the problem.
Honey, don't bite your nails.
Um, okay, uh, please don't freak out.
Um, but, uh, there's a blue fingernail
in-in one of the quiche cups.
And there's no way to know which one.
And whoever finds it wins the prize.
- I'm not freaking out. - Why are you laughing?
It's nothing. It's just that now your father owes me $5.
[chuckling] What? You bet I'd lose a nail?
Oh, no, don't be silly. I just bet that I'd need these.
- Frozen lasagnas? - Hmm.
You bet that I'd screw up?
Uh, so all that stuff about hiring me
because I was good was--
No, no, that was all true.
This was just in case you pulled a Monica.
You promised Dr. Weinburg you'd never use that phrase.
Oh, honey, come on, have a sense of humor.
You're never able to laugh at yourself.
[chuckles] That's right.
My mom doesn't have any faith in me.
Oh, that's hilarious.
[laughing]
I don't get it.
No, I have faith.
No, you have lasagnas.
[oven dings]
Oh, the ruined quiches are ready. Eeh!
It just doesn't feel like we're breaking up.
No, we are. I'm sad.
Okay.
[telephone ringing]
Yes.
Uh, can you wait till tomorrow?
Alright.
[sighs]
Unbelievable!
Thanks.
No, no, that-that was my boss. I have to go.
- Okay. - What are you doing?
- I'm getting dressed. - Why?
When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.
Wait, I wanna show you something.
What is it?
Just a little gag gift somebody gave me.
Put your hands together.
[chuckles]
You're not the boss of me.
Yeah, you are.
Hmm, saucy.
I'll be back in two minutes.
You are, uh, you're gonna leave me like this?
Knowing you're here, waiting for me
I think that's kind of exciting, don't you?
Okay, but if you don't come back soon..
...there's pretty much nothing I can do about it.
- Oh! - Hi.
- I brought you back a macaroon. - Oh, great.
I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.
That's weird. She locked the door.
You know why? She's got the Christmas bonus list in there.
I saw her working on it this morning.
Okay, swear you won't tell but when Mark left
he gave me a key to Joanna's office.
- You wanna see the list? - Yeah.
[gasps]
Hi.
How are you?
[telephone ringing]
Hello, Joanna..
...sss office.
(Joanna on phone) 'I'm really sorry but I may be'
'a little while longer.'
- How little? - 'A couple of hours.'
- 'I feel awful.' - Look, this isn't funny.
You get back here right now.
- 'I can't.' - Why not?
'I'm in my boss' car.'
- What? - 'Uh-oh, tunnel.'
[intercom buzzing]
What?
(Chandler on phone) 'Rachel, could I see you'
'for a moment?'
Okay, here's the situation.
[clears throat] The keys to the cuffs
are on the back of the door.
Could you be a doll and grab them
and scoot on over here and unlock me?
And on a totally separate subject
that is a lovely pantsuit.
You promised you would break up with her.
I did break up with her.
She just took it really, really well.
And the fact that you were jeopardizing
my career never entered your mind?
It did enter my mind.
But then something happened that made it..
...shoot right out.
You know what, Chandler, you got yourself
into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.
No, no, no, no, I can't get myself right out of them.
You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler.
Come on, you have to unlock me.
She could be gone for hours, and I'm cold, and..
Oh, Chandler. Alright, this is it.
- You never see Joanna again. - Never.
You never come into this office again.
- Fine. - You give me back my Walkman.
I..
I never borrowed your Walkman.
Well, then, I lost it. You buy me one.
You got it! Here we go! Come on, this is great.
Ah!
Does it hurt?
No, I just always see guys doing this
when they get handcuffs taken off them.
Hello, sweet pants.
[gasps] Wait a minute.
- What're you gonna tell Joanna? - About what?
When she sees that you're gone, she's gonna know that I let you
out, and that I was in here, and I'm gonna get fired.
I'll make something up. I'm good at lying.
I actually did borrow your Walkman.
No, there's nothing to make up.
She's gonna know that I have a key to her office.
I've got to get you locked back the way you were.
Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so.
- Na, na, na. - Come here, come here.
No! Ow!
[grunting]
Well, this is much better.
So here's somebody interesting, Joey.
What do you know about Van Gogh?
- Uh, he cut off his ear. - And?
I'm out.
He painted that.
Wow! That's pretty nice.
I thought he cut off his ear 'cause he sucked.
What-what else you got in there?
Let's see, uh..
- Where does the Pope live? - In the woods.
No, wait, wait, that's the joke answer.
- Actually it's Vatican City. - Oh!
Now, uh, what do you know about, uh, vulcanized rubber?
Spock's birth control.
[laughing]
You need these books.
[knock on door]
- Hey. - Hi.
This used to be your room?
Wow! Oh, you must have been in really good shape as a kid.
Oh, I'm such an idiot.
I can't believe I actually thought she could change.
Look, who cares what your mom thinks?
So you pulled a Monica.
Oh, good, I'm glad that's catching on.
No, but why does that have to be a bad thing?
Just change what it means, you know?
Go down there and prove your mother wrong.
You finish the job you were hired to do
and we'll call that pulling a Monica.
What?
Okay, um, if a kid gets straight As
his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica."
You know, or a fireman saves a baby, and they go
"Yeah, I know, he pulled a Monica."
Or someone hits a home run and the announcer says
"Yeah, that one's out of here
'cause some things don't change."
Alright, I'll go down there.
But I'm not gonna serve the lasagna.
I'm gonna serve something that I make.
Oh!
Oh! Wow!
Wow, my breasts are really strong.
[grunting]
Chandler, Chandler, please.
I have to get you locked up back the way you were.
I am so gonna lose my job.
She's very private about her office.
Now I know why.
Hey, look, you are in trouble either way, okay?
If she comes in and sees me locked to this
instead of the chair, she's gonna know you were in here.
So you might as well just let me go.
What if I clean your bathroom for a month?
It still wouldn't be clean.
All I want is my freedom.
- Foot rubs for a month. - Freedom.
I-I'll take all of your photos. I'll put them into photo albums.
Freedom! I want my freedom!
Why won't you hear me? Sophie, help me, help me.
- Sophie, sit. - Freedom..
No, God, would you just calm down?
[mumbling]
I'm gonna say this for the last time.
Would you please just..
Well, there's a lot I didn't know about vomit.
[duck quacking]
In a minute.
Uh, so what do you say, Joey?
You get the whole set of encyclopedias for $1200.
That works out to just 50 bucks a book.
Twelve hundred dollars?
[chuckles]
You think I have $1,200?
I'm home in the middle of the day
and I got patio furniture in my living room.
I guess there's a few things you don't get from book learnin'.
Well, uh, what can you swing?
How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?
You don't have anything?
You wanna see what I got? Okay.
I got...a baby Tootsie Roll..
...a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex..
...a rock, and an army man.
Hey!
Okay, I-I get the picture.
Uh, thanks, for your time.
- And a 50. - Oh!
These must be Chandler's pants.
For 50 bucks, you can get one book.
What will it be? Uh, A? B? C?
Uh, I-I think I'm gonna stick with the V.
I wanna see how this bad boy turns out.
I, uh, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
No!
I, uh, oh!
I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning.
- With extra pulp? - Yeah!
- No. - Ah!
I've got it.
You don't have it.
I have so got it.
There's gonna be rumors about this.
There's no way to stop it.
Sophie knows. Monica and Phoebe know.
- How do Monica and Phoebe know? - Oh, I called them.
And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous..
...or very stingy.
Go on.
I can make you a legend.
I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.
- And Milton Berle has-- - Oh, not compared to you.
Well?
They're not even touching the lasagna.
- Really? - Oh, they love your casserole.
Yes!
It's hard to believe just a little while ago
this was nothing but ingredients.
Everyone seems to like your dish.
And you?
I thought it was..
...quite tasty.
So if everyone liked it, and you liked it
that would make this a success.
Which would make you..
A bitch?
Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.
Yes, well, I was wrong.
And I have to say..
...you really impressed me today.
Wow!
Um, you might even say that she pulled a Monica.
She doesn't know we switched it.
And the next time you cater for me..
...there will be nothing but ice in the freezer.
Oh, that really means a lot.
Oh, and, mom, don't bite your nails.
- Hello. - Hey.
- Hello, Chandler.
I love you.
Hey, wh-what's going on?
Oh!
[whispering]
No, he doesn't.
Two hours that lasted.
So did you break up with Joanna?
I think so.
Well, it's a good thing you got out when you did
before she blew up like that Vesuvius.
- The volcano? - 'Yeah.'
And speaking of volcanoes
man, are they a violent igneous rock formation?
- What? - Oh, yeah.
Lava spewing, hot ash.
Of course, some are dormant.
Well, w-why are you talking about volcanoes all of a sudden?
Well, we can talk about something else.
Wh-what do you wanna talk about?
Vivisection?
The vas deferens?
The Vietnam War?
Oh, did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Oh, God, Korea is such a beautiful country.
- With such a sad history. - Yeah.
Could there be more Kims?
[laughing]
- 'Who's out there?' - It's me. Good morning.
(Joanna) 'Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please?'
Yeah, sure, um, they didn't have poppy seed bagels
so I had sesame.. Oh, my word!
Hi.
I seem to have had a slight office mishap.
Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me?
Yeah, sure, uh..
[clears throat]
I'm so sorry.
You can tell your friend Chandler that we're definitely
broken up this time.
Okay.