[shirt ripping]
Wow. That ripped.
That ripped real nice!
How many times do I have to tell you?
You turn and slide.
You know, turn and slide.
No, you don't turn and slide.
You throw it out.
I'm tired of having to get a tetanus shot
every time I get dressed.
Well, we're not throwing it out.
I built this thing with my own hands.
Alright, how about we, how about we sell it?
Alright.
But...you're gonna have to tell them.
You mind if we stick you in a different cabinet?
They seem alright with it!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
(Chip) 'Hey, Monica. It's Chip.'
- Yes. - Who's Chip?
'It was good running into you at the bank today'
'so, uh, here's my number, 555-9323.
'Give me a call. Later'
"Chip" is Chip Matthews.
The guy who took Rachel to the prom?
Why's he calling you?
'Cause I ran into him at the bank.
- He is still so cute. - Monica, you're so lucky.
He's like the most popular guy in school!
I know!
Chip? Hi, it's Monica.
Okay.
Okay, goodbye.
Oh, my God! We just had the best conversation!
I was just leaving.
Good.
'Cause I've got a product report to read.
It's like, eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep.
Why, did you write it?
Whoa!
Look at that.
Chip Matthews called.
I wonder what he wants.
Well, uh, actually--
I bet he sensed that I was ready
to have sex...with another guy.
Well, um..
...why don't you give him a call?
Okay.
Are you sure you want to hear this?
Oh, I'm sure.
Chip! Hi, it's Rachel.
Rachel Greene.
Yeah, um, you left me a message?
Yes, you did. My roommate wrote it down.
Monica Geller.
Oh.
Oh, that's right!
He called to ask out Monica.
Oh, that's, that's got to be embarrassing.
♪ Dumb drunken bitch ♪
Thank you! Thanks.
Hey, here's a question.
Where'd you get the finest oak
east of the Mississippi?
Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got
the prettiest lace in all the land.
I'm reading your ad.
- Looks good, huh? - 'Yeah.'
"Stunning entertainment center, fine..
...fine Italian craftsmanship."
Oh, my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center?
- Why? I love that thing. - You want it?
- Oh, no. - No.
Uh, Gepeto?
Five thousand dollars?
Are you insane?
Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks.
Alright, look, I'm changing it to $50 or your best offer.
What kind of profit is that?
And you call yourself an accountant?
No.
Oh.
What do you do?
I can't believe you don't know what I do for a living.
- I actually don't know. - Good, so do I.
Something to do with numbers?
[cat meowing]
Oh, my God, no. Shoo, kitty. No!
No, no, no, shoo.
'Come on, you.'
Come on. Crazy.
- Oh, my God! - What?
Nothing. Nothing.
What, what's wrong?
I just..
...I just have this really strong feeling
that...this cat is my mother.
You mean the mom you met in Montauk?
She was a cat?
No, no, no. She was a human lady.
This is the spirit of my mom, Lilly.
The one that killed herself.
Are you sure she's in the cat?
Or have you been taking your grandmother's
glaucoma medicine again?
No, Dr. Skeptismo.
I'm sure. God, first of all, okay, there's the feeling.
Okay, and for another, how about the fact
that she went into my guitar case..
...which is lined with orange felt.
My mother's favorite fish was orange roughy.
Cats like fish.
Hi, mommy!
Oh, I haven't seen this smile in 17 years.
Dude, Phoebe's mom's got a huge pair--
Let it go!
Hey.
Um, when were you going to tell me
that you're going out with Chip Matthews?
Now?
Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews?
No, it's not okay.
I can't believe you would want to, after what he did to me.
What, that little thing at the prom?
Monica, I couldn't find him for two hours!
He was having sex with Amy Welsh!
Come on, that was back in high school.
How could that still bother you?
I mean, why, of all people
do you have to go out with Chip?
Look, you and I went to different high schools.
Yeah, that doesn't help me because we went
to the same high school.
You went to one where you were popular.
And you got to ride off on Chip's motorcycle
and wear his letterman jacket.
I went to one where...I wore a band uniform
they had to have specially made.
They had to have that specially made?
It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes.
Oh, my God! They told us that was for the mascot.
Back then, I thought that I would never
ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews.
And now he's, he's called me up and asked me out.
And the fat girl inside me really wants to go.
I-I owe her this.
I never let her eat.
- Oh, you go out with him. - Oh, really?
Yeah, but just, if it's possible
could you leave him somewhere and go have sex
with another guy?
I'll try.
So, you guys having any luck
getting rid of the entertainment center?
Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but, uh..
...I don't think any of them are gonna work out.
Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process.
Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.
Stop it. Stop it.
She keeps squirming and trying to get away.
Just like when she was alive.
So, Pheebs, how long is your mom going to be with us?
Well, I'm not sure.
I mean, I guess, until she, you know
gets used to the fact that there's
you know, a new mom.
Now, I think she's worried that she's gonna
she's gonna be replaced.
Well, that's not going to happen, is it?
No.
Okay, I have to return a call in the other room.
Why can't you use the phone in here?
Well, I'm returning a call
from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H.
I just spelled the wrong word.
So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom
remind anyone else of a cat?
- Ross, don't start. - 'Come on.'
You-you can't tell me you actually believe
that, that-that there's a woman inside that cat?
I believe it.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
No, you d..
You know what?
You're not gonna suck me into this.
Oh, sure I am.
Because you always have to be right.
I do not always have..
Okay, okay.
Jurassic Park could happen.
Wow, that's, uh, that's pretty nice.
"Pretty nice"?
You'll have to pardon my roommate.
He wanted to marry this.
We don't have 50 bucks.
But would you be willing to trade for it?
We got a canoe.
You know, I, I really don't think we need a canoe.
You've got to take the canoe.
Alright, just, just take the entertainment center.
And then when you get home, throw the canoe away.
We're not throwing it away. I built that canoe.
Good for you!
You guys, you're never going to believe
what I just found, tacked up on a telephone pole.
'Look kinda familiar?'
Apparently, Phoebe's mother also goes by the name "Julio."
You guys, there's a little girl in Soho
looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?
Yeah, $200 reward split five ways!
Do we have to tell her?
Yes, we have to tell her.
Oh, but it's made her so happy.
Little girl misses her cat.
Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat.
Okay, you know what, I have to go have dinner with my son.
Can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her?
- Yes. - Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, I hate it when Ross is right.
He is right, isn't he?
You know what, I think this might be
one of the times when he's wrong.
- You think? - Oh, no. He's right.
Hi, hi.
(all) Hey.
Uh, Pheebs..
...about your mom.
Yeah?
How's that going?
So great.
Oh, we took a nap together today.
My mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred.
That's so sweet.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
Huh? What'd you say, Joe?
I'll be right there.
- Pheebs-- - I just feel so..
- Alright already! Jeez! - I'm coming already!
[knocking]
Not yet, not yet, not yet!
- Hello, Chip. - Hey, Rach. How you doing?
I'm great! I'm great!
Got a great job at Bloomingdale's
I have wonderful friends
and even though I'm not seeing anyone right now
I've really never felt better about myself.
So, uh, Monica ready yet?
She'll be out in a second.
So, Chip, how's, um, Amy Welsh?
Amy Welsh? Wow!
I haven't seen her since..
So, Monica about ready?
This is the unit for you, my friend.
Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments.
Some big enough to fit a grown man.
- What? - Oh, yeah.
I got in there myself once.
My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn't
and then he stuck a board through the handles
and locked me in. Yeah.
It was funny till I started feeling like I was in a coffin.
No, you...you can't fit in that thing.
That's not deep enough.
Oh, yeah?
If I can't..
...I'll knock five bucks off the price of the unit.
Alright, you have yourself a deal.
Okay.
'See? I told you.'
'Sometimes, I come in here just to get away from it.'
'Hey, a nickel!'
Here we are.
Oh, my God! You still have the Chipper!
The what?
That's what we used to call your, uh..
...your motorcycle in high school.
You know, a motorcycle is a chopper.
And you're Chip.
Never mind.
No, I think it's cute.
Wow!
A lipper from Chipper.
So, you still in touch with anyone from high school?
Um, there's Rachel
and, um...that's it. How about you?
Oh, yeah, I still hang with Simens and Zana.
Oh, and I see Spindler a lot
and Levine, Kelly.
And I run into Goldie from time to time.
Stick, Brown, Sulkov, McGuire.
- JT, Beardsley. - Is that all?
Uh, you know, after high school, you just kind of lose touch.
Oh, yeah, I ran into Richard Dorfman.
- Oh, how is he? - Not so good.
Me and Simens gave him a wedgie.
Isn't he an architect now?
Yeah, they still wear underwear.
Oh, my God!
(Joey) 'What?'
- Are you alright? - Yeah.
What happened?
Aw, man. He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!
What the hell happened? How were you locked in?
And where the hell is all of our stuff?
Well, this guy came by to look at the unit
and, and he said he didn't think it was big enough
to fit a grown man.
So...you got in voluntarily?
I was trying to make a sale!
Oh, man, if I ever run
into that guy again, y-you know what I'm gonna do?
Bend over?
And then Zana...just let one rip!
Look, not that I don't enjoy talking
about people I went to high school with
because I do.
But, um, maybe we could talk about something else.
Like you. I-I don't even know where you work.
- You know where I work. - I do?
The movie theater. You used to come in all the time.
You still work at the Multiplex?
Oh, like I'd give up that job!
Free popcorn and candy anytime I want?
I can get you free posters for your room.
Thanks, I'm set.
Do you still live with your parents?
Oh, yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.
Wow, they really got you guys. Your TV, the chairs.
Yeah, your microwave, the stereo.
Oh, man. He took the five of spades!
No, no, no, here it is.
Oh, my God! What happened?
Oh, um, Joey was born..
...and then 28 years later, I was robbed!
So how was your date?
Well, you know how I always wanted
to go out with Chip Matthews in high school.
Well, tonight, I actually went out
with Chip Matthews in high school.
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry. - No, it's okay.
Not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews
I got to dump Chip Matthews.
- Oh! That's so great! - I know.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Oh, they said, uh, "You don't have insurance here.
So, stop calling us."
You didn't tell her?
Okay, fine.
- Pheebs. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
Listen, uh..
...this cat belongs to a little girl.
Alright, there are flyers all over the place.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Hey, We can take her back with you if you want.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
But, you know, she chose to find me.
I mean, I have to respect her decision, right?
- That's a good call. - That's right.
No, no! Look, hey, enough is enough.
Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever
about spending time with your new mom.
But this is not your old mom.
This is a cat. Okay?
Julio the cat.
Not mom. Cat.
Ross, how many parents have you lost?
- None. - Okay.
Then you don't know what it feels like
when one of them comes back, do you?
I believe this is my mother.
Even if I'm wrong, who cares?
Just be a friend, okay?
Be supportive.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I don't know what to say, uh..
You could...say you're sorry to her mom.
I think she would like that.
Come here, here, come here, come here..
...Mrs. Buffay.
Sorry about what I said.
Um, it was, it was insensitive of me to say
that you were just a cat..
...when, clearly, you are also
the reincarnated spirit..
...of my friend's mother.
Thank you.
- We both forgive you. - Uh-huh.
So, honey, what are you going to do about the little girl?
Yeah, okay..
...listen, um..
...mom, I hope you know that you still mean a lot to me.
And you're welcome to come back anytime.
Pheebs..
...if she could come back as a couch
we'd really appreciate it.
Yeah.
Come on, mom. I'm gonna take you home.
- I'll go with you. - Me too.
Oh, uh, you know, I've got an extra futon.
Dude, you don't have to brag. We got nothing here.