Okay, so, we went to the beach
because Phoebe found out about this lady
who knew her mom and dad.
And...I don't really know what happened with that.
- I'm your mother. - Huh?
Oh, and then, Monica joked that she wouldn't
go out with a guy like Chandler.
And he couldn't let go and I
don't really know what happened with that either.
Oh, oh, and then Ross's new girlfriend Bonnie
shows up, and Rachel convinced her
to shave her head. And then Ross and Rachel kissed.
And now Ross has to choose between
Rachel and the bald girl and then..
...I don't...know what happened there either.
You know what? Hold on. Let me go get Chandler.
Hi.
- Hey. - Hi.
Rachel was just helping me out.
My head got all sunburned.
Aw.
- Thanks a million. - Oh, you're welcome a million.
- Okay, I'll be in our room. - Uh-uh.
Oh, my God!
I know.
- Okay, I gotta go. - What? What, why?
Well, I, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
Here, now?
Well, yeah. I can't, I can't stay here all night.
And if I go in there, she's, she's gonna wanna..
...do stuff.
Can't you just tell her that you are not in the mood?
No, she likes that.
[chuckling] Yeah, faking sleep doesn't work either
I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up with her--
- Oh! - Whoa, okay.
[chuckling]
Yeah, why am I telling you that?
I don't know.
- It wasn't every morning-- - Oh, making it worse.
Okay.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck ♪
♪ In second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
So, I guess you'd like to know how it all happened?
I, I mean, I, well, I think I can figure it out.
I guess, you know, I was born and then everyone
started lying their asses off.
No, no, it wasn't like that, I..
...uh, you remember how I told you how Lily and Frank
and I, we were, we were close?
Well, we were, we were very close.
How close?
Well, the, the three of us
we were kind of a, um, a couple.
I don't even know how that would work.
- Well, we were, we, uh-- - I'm not asking.
Well, anyhow, somehow I got pregnant and..
...and I was..
...scared, I was stupid and selfish and..
[sighing] I was 18 years old.
I mean, you remember what it was like
to be 18 years old, don't you?
Yeah, let's see.
My mom had killed herself
and my dad had run off
and I was living in a Gremlin
with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I thought I was leaving you
with the best parents in the world.
I didn't even hear about your mom
and dad till a couple of years ago
and by then, you were already grown up.
I don't know, you're here and I would, I would really..
...I would like to get to know you.
Yeah, well, everybody does.
Really cool person.
And, you know, you had 29 years to find that out
but you didn't even try.
You know what? You walked out on me.
And I'm just, I'm gonna do the same to you.
Wait.
I don't ever wanna see you again.
[sighing]
Where's my purse?
Shoot, we're out of soda.
Oh, I'll go out and get you some.
- Really? - Nope.
'Cause I'm not your boyfriend.
(Chandler) 'Hey, Pheebs, how'd it go?'
Huh, well..
My mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth mom.
I found a dried-up seahorse.
Sweetie, what are you talking about?
Oh, my new mom, who's, who's a big, fat abandoner.
Oh, what, Pheebs, wait a second.
Don't you wanna stay here and talk about it?
No, I just, I want to just, I need to be alone.
- Monica! - Oh!
It's over.
Oh! Was it awful?
Well, it was long.
I didn't even realize how late it was
until I noticed the 5 o'clock shadow on her head.
[chuckling]
Anyway, she didn't want to stay.
I called a cab. She just left.
I wrote you a letter.
Oh, thank you.
I like mail.
There's just, there's some things I've been thinking about.
You know, things about us.
And before I can even think about the two of us
getting back together, I just
need to know how you feel about this stuff.
Okay.
Well, it's, it's 5:30 in the morning.
So I'd better get
cracking on this baby.
So, I'll be waiting for you.
Just come up when you're done.
Okay, I'll be up
in...18 pages.
Front and back.
It's very exciting.
Oh! Oh, oh!
Hey, what happened to you?
Why didn't you come up?
Done!
You justfinished?
Well, I wanted to be thorough.
I mean, this, this is...clearly
very, very important to you, to us.
And so I wanted to read
everyword carefully.
Twice.
So, um..
...does it?
I'm sorry.
Does it?
Yeah, I wanted to give that whole
"Does it" part just another glance.
What are you talking about, Ross?
You just said that you read it twice.
Look, you know what? It either does or it doesn't.
And if you have to even think--
No, no, Rach. No, I don't. I don't.
I don't have to think about it. I don't.
Uh, in fact..
[chuckling] I've decided.
I have decided that, that it..
...does.
- Are you sure? - Oh, sure. I'm sure.
Alright, there's a nuclear holocaust.
I'm the last man on earth.
Would you go out with me?
Eh..
I've got canned goods.
Hey, you guys. Take a look at this.
Check this baby out.
Dug me a hole.
Excellent hole, Joe.
Oh no! No, my hole!
[screaming]
What? What is it? What?
Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts! It hurts!
Well, can we help you once we take you back to the house?
Oh, it's, like, two miles.
Yeah, and I'm little tired from digging the hole.
[crying]
Oh, damn that jellyfish.
Damn all the jellyfish!
We've gotta do something.
Well, there's really only one thing you can do.
What? What is it?
You're gonna have to pee on it.
What?
- Gross! - Don't blame me.
I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
You know what? He's right.
There's something like, uh, ammonia
in that, that kills the pain.
Well, forget it.
It doesn't hurt that...bad!
If you want some privacy, you can use my hole.
Well, I'm ready to get the hell out of here.
Oh!
Are you..
Are you?
'Oh, that's so great!'
Ooh, not for Bonnie.
But, for you, yay, oh.
- Hey. - How was the beach?
- Oh, it was alright. - Nothing. I don't know.
- What happened? - Nothing.
I'm gonna take a shower.
- Me too. - Me too.
Okay, I'm gonna put this in the car.
Oh, I have to go pack!
Oh!
And it really does?
It does. It really and truly does.
Oh.
It sodoesnot!
She wants me to take responsibility
for everything that went wrong in our relationship.
I mean, she goes on for five pages
about, about how I was unfaithful to her.
We were on a break!
Oh, my God!
If you say that one more time
I'm gonna break up with you.
Fine. Fine, but this break up was not all my fault.
And she, she says here
"If you accept full responsibility..
"Full responsibility..
"I can begin to trust you again.
"Does that seem like something you can do?
Does it?"
No?
Look, Ross, you have what you want.
You're back with Rachel.
If you bring this up now
you're gonna wreck the best thing
that ever happened to you.
Yeah, I know. I know. You're right.
[sighing] Yeah, I guess I'll let it go.
But you, you understand
how, how hard it is to forget about this.
(Joey) 'Sure, it's hard to forget.'
But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it.
A lot of things happened on that trip
that we should never, ever...talkabout.
What the hell happened on that beach?
It's between us and the sea, Ross.
- Hi, Ursula. - Hey.
Okay, well, um, I know that we haven't talked in a long time
but, um, okay
our mom is not our birth mom.
This, this other lady is our birth mom.
Right. Okay. The one that lives in Montauk. Mm-hmm.
- You know her? - No.
I, um, I read about her in mom's suicide note.
There, there was a suicide note?
Well, do you still have it?
Hang on.
I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note.
'Yeah. So how have you been doing?'
I've, uh..
Shut up.
"Goodbye, Phoebe and Ursula. I'll miss you.
PS, your mom lives in Montauk."
You just wrote this!
Well, it's pretty much the gist.
Well, except for the poem.
You read the poem, right?
No.
Alright. Hang on.
Pass the cheese, please.
My God, you can't even look at me, can you?
Nope.
Hey, it's Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!
No. I'm, I'm too depressed to talk.
I'll give you a $1000 to talk to us.
Hey, you guys, what do you, what do you think
about making that beach trip an annual thing?
- No! - No!
Alright, that's it, you guys, what happened out there?
What? We took a walk.
Nothing happened.
And I came back with nothing all over me.
Come on, what happened? Joey?
- Alright. - No!
Joey, we swore we'd never tell!
They'll never understand.
Well, we have to say somethin'.
We have to get it out. It's eating me alive.
Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Alright.
I got stung.
Stung bad.
I couldn't stand, I..
...I couldn't walk.
We were two miles from the house.
We were scared and alone.
We didn't think we could make it.
I was in too much pain.
And I was tired from digging the huge hole.
And then, Joey remembered something.
I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Wait a minute, I saw that.
On the Discovery Channel.
Yeah, about jellyfish, and how if you..
Eww!
You peed on yourself?
- Eww! - Eww!
You can't say that! You-you don't know!
I mean, I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain.
Anyway, I-I tried..
...I, but I couldn't...bend that way.
So..
(all) Eww!
That's right, I stepped up!
She's my friend, and she needed help.
If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.
Only, uh..
...I couldn't.
I got the stage fright.
I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure
so...so I, uh, I turned to Chandler.
[muffled screaming]
Joey kept screaming at me.
"Do it now! Do it! Do it!
Do it now!"
Sometimes, late at night, I can still hear the screaming.
[chuckling]
That's 'cause sometimes I just do it through my wall
to freak you out.
♪ And fuchsia and mauve ♪
♪ Those are the 66 colors ♪
♪ Of my bedroom ♪♪
(Phoebe) 'Thank you. Thank you.'
Oh, and I invite all of you
to count the colors in your bedroom.
Except for you. You go away.
I'll go in a second.
I...I just want to tell you
that...there hasn't been a day
when I didn't regret giving you up.
Okay. Bye.
No, I'm not done, I-I-I just want you to know that I..
...the reason I never looked you up was because..
[sighs] ...Well, I was afraid that you would react
just, well, like the, the way you're reacting right now
and can't we just
you know, start from here, please?
No.
Okay.
Sorry.
But just one last thing.
You know, you came looking for family.
I'm family.
I'm it.
Well, now I'm done.
Hey, but it's not like we're losing anything...you know?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's not like...we know each other or anything
or that we have anything in common.
Well, I don't know, I mean, it's not like
we don't have anything in common.
I mean, I like, uh, pizza.
Uh, I like pizza.
You do! Ha!
Wait, I like, um, "The Beatles."
- Oh, my God, so do I! - Oh, I knew it!
- Wow! - Wait, wait, wait.
Puppies. Cute or ugly?
- Oh, so cute. - Uh-huh! Well?
You see?
But I'm still, I'm, I'm mad at you.
I know.
I'm mad at me too.
Well, um, do you want to get something to eat?
'Cause I'm kind of hungry.
Hey! Me too!
Alright, stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out.
Oh, I missed you.
I missed you too.
Oh, I was so nervous about that letter.
But the way you owned up to everything
it just...showed me
how much you've grown, you know?
I suppose.
No, you have, Ross, you have.
You should give yourself credit.
I mean, my mom never thought this would work out.
[chuckling] She was all
"Once a cheater, always a cheater."
- Mm-hmm. - Oh.
I just wish we hadn't lost those four months.
But if time was what you needed
just to gain a little perspective..
(Ross) 'We were on a break!'
- Coffee house? - You bet.
And for the record, it took two people
to break up this relationship!
Yeah, you and that girl from the copy place
which, yesterday, you took full responsibility for!
I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay?
I didn't finish the whole letter.
- What? - I fell asleep.
You fell asleep?
It was 5:30 in the morning
and you had rambled on for 18 pages.
Front and back!
Oh, oh, oh, and by the way
Y-O-U apostrophe R-E
means you are.
Y-O-U-R means your.
You know, I can't believe I even thought
of getting back together with you.
We are so over.
Oh...oh...oh..
Fine by me!
Oh, oh, and, hey, hey, hey, those little spelling tips
will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights
playing Scrabble with Monica!
- Hey. - Sorry!
I just feel bad about all that sleep you're going to miss
wishing you were with me.
Oh, no, no, no, don't you worry about me falling asleep.
I still have your letter!
And hey, just so you know
it's not that common
it doesn't happen to every guy
and it is a big deal!
I knew it!
Gin.
We were playing Gin?
You know, if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
[laughing]
Would you stop?
Okay. Alright.
Okay, alright.
I think you're great.
I think you're sweet and you're smart
and I love you.
But you will always be the guy who peed on me.
[theme music]