- Hey! - Hey!
Wow, it is true what they say
pregnant bellies look like a drum.
Ha ha.
No, it's just, I'm so pregnant
that my guitar doesn't fit anymore
so I thought, till I'm not
I'm just gonna play all my songs on this drum.
- It sounds really cool. - Oh, yeah?
Listen, listen.
Okay.
♪ Smelly cat smelly cat ♪
♪ What are they feeding you ♪♪
[giggles]
- Wow, Pheebs, sounds great. - I know, I know!
And I've only been playing for, like, an hour.
Huh.
Phoebe. Phoebe, hi. Hi
Hey. What are you doing here?
Um, actually, I came down to ask you a big favor.
Oh, well, don't tell me you wanna keep
more of your stuff in my uterus.
[laughs]
- No, no, no. - Oh.
Okay, now, see..
I wanna name the girl baby "Leslie"
and, um, Frank wants to name one of the boy babies..
"Frank Jr. Jr."
Wouldn't that be "Frank the third"?
Don't get me started.
Anyway, um, since there are three babies
and, um, we both got to put our names in
we would be truly honored
if you would name the other boy baby.
Oh, wow! That's so nice.
Oh! Oh! "Cougar".
- You think about it. - Yeah. Yeah.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
I left a bra drying on the shower rod.
You don't think your son will think it's yours
and be horribly traumatized?
Hey, mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.
[both chuckle]
- Oh, it's time to go. - Oh, no, no, no.
See, that-that clock's a little fast.
Uh, we-we still have 17 minutes.
Huh. What can we do in 17 minutes..
...twice?
- Wow, that's ambitious. - Hm.
[knock at door]
Okay, you can ignore that. It's..
That's Carol with your son.
Uh, believe me when he's older, he'll understand.
(Carol) 'Ross?'
I'll be right there.
[groans]
- Hello! - Hi.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Hey. - Hi.
Emily, this is Carol and Susan.
Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you.
You, too.
You know, Susan's gonna be shooting
a commercial in London next week.
Oh, yeah. I'm so excited. I've never been there.
- Oh, I'll show you around. - Oh, that'd be great.
Also, I was hoping to catch a show.
So, if you can make any suggestions..
Oh, there's tons of terrific stuff.
- I'll go with you. - Ah.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, wow.
Oh, look at you two, bonding
making us late for the airport, so..
- Are you alright? - He's fine. He's fine.
It's just us getting along is difficult for him
because he doesn't like me.
What...oh..
Come on, that's-that's.. That's true.
- Hi. - 'Hey.'
Hey, do we have a baby name yet?
Oh, no. It's so hard.
I went through this whole book and found nothing.
I want a name that's really, like, you know
strong and confident, you know, like-like "Exxon".
Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.
Oh, oh! Pheebs, you want a strong name?
How about "The Hulk"?
Oh, I'm-I'm not sure about "Hulk"
but I like the idea of a name starting with "The".
Oh, you want a good name? Go with "Joey".
Joey is your pal. Joey is your buddy.
"Where is everybody? Well, they're hanging out with Joey."
Hey, you know what, if you're gonna do that
if you're gonna name him "Joey"
you should name him "Chandler."
Oh, come on, Chandler's funny, he's sophisticated
and he's very lovable, once you get to know him.
Oh, well, hey, Joey's lovable, too
but the thing about Joey
is if you need him, he'll be there.
Well, Chandler will be there for you, too.
I mean, he might be a little late, but..
...but he'll be there and he'll bring you some cold soda
if what you need him for is that you're really hot.
Hey, what do you say? What do you say?
Well, I...I like the idea
of naming him after someone I love
and "Joey" and "Chandler" are both great names..
But...alright, I don't..
Maybe I will just name him "The Hulk".
I knew I shouldn't have mentioned it.
That's what I wanted to name my kid.
Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua
for the first time tonight which one of these
would you wanna be wearing?
You know what?
It really creeps me out
choosing other people's sex clothes.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm just so excited.
Waiting for this for months.
Got my hair colored. Got new sheets.
- Making him a very fancy meal. - Mm-hmm.
What am I making him, by the way?
Well, you're making him a frisee salad
with goat cheese and pine nuts.
Wild rice, roasted asparagus
and salmon en croute.
I thought I was making him filet mignon.
Yeah, you were, but then you decided to make salmon
because you had some leftover at the restaurant
and then you realized if you bitched about it
then you would stop cooking and you would have to make
your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.
Wow, I really get crabby when I cook.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, uh, Emily called last night.
And now you're giving me the message?
Turns out that Emily is just crazy about Susan.
Yeah. They're going to the theater together.
They're going to dinner.
They're going horseback riding.
God, Susan is so fun.
[chuckles]
Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay?
For-for like six months before Carol and I split up
all I heard was
"My friend Susan is-is so smart."
"My friend Susan is so funny."
"My friend Susan is so great."
You actually think that something could happen
between Emily and Susan?
Hey, they're going to the gym together.
Two women? Stretching?
You know, they-they take a steam together
things get a little playful
didn't you see "Personal Best"?
No, but I'm gonna.
Hi! Hi! You're crazy, okay?
This is Emily. Emily is straight.
Yeah, how do you know?
I mean, we thought Carol was straight
before I married her.
Yeah, I'm definitely, I don't like the name "Ross".
What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
No, no. No, I just, I meant for the baby.
Oh.
What's wrong with "Ross"?
Well, it's just, you know something like this
would never happen to, like, The Hulk, you know.
Actually, that-that's not true.
In the "Incredible Hulk" uh, number 72
Dr. Bruce banner found-found..
You know, never mind.
My girlfriend's a lesbian.
So, I decided I'm definitely gonna go
with either "Joey" or "Chandler."
- Oh! - Oh, oh, oh!
You got to pick "Joey".
I mean, name one famous person named "Chandler."
Raymond Chandler.
Someone you didn't make up.
[scoffs]
Okay, there are no famous "Joeys" except for..
[chuckles]
...Joey Buttafuoco.
Yeah, that guy really hurt us.
(Phoebe) Yeah.
Well, how about a compromise, then, okay?
What if it's, you know, "Chanoey?"
Okay, look, "Joey"? Come on, think about it.
First of all, he'll never be president.
I mean, there's never gonna be a President Joey.
Alright, look man, I didn't wanna bring this up
but "Chandler" is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life.
[gasps]
It's not even a name.
It's barely even a word, okay?
It's kind of like chandelier but it's not.
Alright? It's a stupid, stupid non-name.
Wow, you...you're right.
I have a horrible... horrible name.
[sighs]
I'm sorry, man. I didn't..
- I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Okay.
So, I guess it's Joey then. I mean..
This is so nice. Thank you for doing this.
Oh, please. Cooking soothes me.
[sighs] So, dig in.
Right. Oh, it all looks so good.
Mmm..
Mmm!
- Oh, my God. - Oh, I know.
My God, this is so.. This rice is so..
I'm so good.
Behind you.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
They used to live here
and sometimes they migrate back over.
[chuckles]
Is there, uh, is there some way
that they could, uh... not be here?
It's just that, uh, farm birds really kind of freak me out.
- Yeah, sure, okay. Okay. - Okay, great.
Come on. Shoo. Shoo.
Here we go. Here we go. Whoa!
- Alright. Whoa! - Oh, sorry. Come here.
Good. There you go.
[Joshua clears throat]
Hey, how'd you do that?
Come on.
All gone.
So, farm birds, huh?
[sighs] Yeah, it's, uh..
It's my only weird thing, I swear.
And I-I-I would've told you about it
but I didn't know that they would...be here.
[chuckles] Oh, okay.
So, alright..
[clears throat]
[chuckles]
Okay.
So, can I serve you a little of..
What? What's, what?
Nothing, I, uh, it's just that I know
that they're still out there.
But they're across the hall. I mean, that's two doors away.
It's gonna take them a long time
to peck their way back over here.
[chuckles]
Hey, that's-that's not funny.
[laughs]
Uh..
Okay, you know.. Would you feel better
if we went someplace else?
I mean, we could pack all this stuff up
and, you know, go to your apartment.
Oh, they're working on it this week. It's a total mess.
But, uh, I'm staying at my parents' house.
- We could go there. - Your parents?
- Yeah, they're out of town. - Oh.
Yeah, it's a huge place, and-and it's got
this gorgeous view of the park.
It'd be very, very romantic.
What do you say?
Yeah, that works.
[duck quacking]
Yeah, they-they can smell the fear.
Okay, it's okay.
- Hey. - Hi. How's Ben?
Well...I asked him if he wanted to eat he said, "No".
I asked him if he wanted to sleep he said, "No".
I asked him what he wanted to do he said, "No"
so he's sweeping.
(Carol) Hey, buddy.
Hey.
So, um...any word from Susan?
Oh, yeah. She said she's having so much fun with Emily.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh, by the by, did it, uh, did it ever occur to you that
I don't know maybe they might be having a little too much fun?
What's "too much fun"?
You know, the kind of fun you and Susan had
when we were married.
[laughs]
Oh, my God, you are so paranoid.
- Am I? - Yes.
Am I?
Look, I can't speak for Emily
but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.
Uh-huh, Carol, so were we.
Alright, just-just imagine for a moment
that Susan meets someone, and-and they really hit it off.
You know, say-say they're coming back from the theater
and they, they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks.
They're laughing, you know.
Someone innocently touches someone else.
There's electricity.
It's new, it's exciting.
Are you telling me there isn't even
the slightest possibility of something happening?
- Maybe. - Oh, my God!
I didn't really believe it until you just said it!
And even though none of the other kids believed me
I swear to God, that duck pushed me.
Wow, this place is fabulous!
Yeah, yeah, let me show you around.
This is the downstairs living room--
What? There's two living rooms?
God, growing up here, this place
must have been a real babe magnet.
Yeah, well, it would have been but my parents just moved here.
Oh, well, you should know this place is a real babe magnet.
Wanna make out?
Hm-m. Here's an idea.
Why don't, uh, I put the food in the fridge
and we can eat it later?
That sounds like a plan.
Um, is there a place that I could go freshen up?
Yeah, yeah, um, just down the hall
and, uh, second door to your left.
Oh, hi, darling.
Mom, dad! What are you guys doing here?
Oh, we cut the trip short.
France sucks!
Um, this may be a little weird
but I-I've got a date here.
Oh, well, say no more.
We'll just grab some food and take it
with us upstairs and be out of your hair.
Oh, that-that'd be great.
So, you didn't even get to Italy?
Yep. Sucks!
Hi, you.
Oh, my God!
I know. I can do more than cook.
Uh..
I like her. She seems smart.
Uh, Rachel, my parents.
Oh, so nice to meet you.
- Hi, Rachel. - Hello. Hello.
Oh, Joshua
that $500 was for groceries.
What? Th-th-this? No.
Oh, no, no, no, this is not..
That's not what, that's not what it is.
You see, okay, I work in fashion.
See, and-and this is a real dress, actually.
It is, they're-they're wearing it in Milan.
It's..
So part of my job is to wear the clothes
and then I see how people respond
and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale's.
So..
And, obviously, in, uh, in-in this case
I am-am going to report back
"USA not ready."
Maybe in LA.
Yes.
There you go.
So, have you kids eaten yet?
Well, we were gonna do that after.
I mean, um..
- Next. - Well, we're starving.
Why don't we just all go get something to eat?
Oh, yeah.
Well...yeah, no use wasting this baby
just lying around the house.
So, we'll go eat.
- 'Yeah.' - You'll wear that.
We'll be eating, and, of course, you'll be wearing that.
Dude, I am sorry about what I said.
Nope, nope, you're right. It is a ridiculous name.
- It's not that bad. - Yes, it is.
From now on, I have no first name.
So...you're just "Bing"?
I have no name.
Alright, so, what are we supposed to call you?
Okay, uh, for now, temporarily
you can call me..
...Clint.
[snickers]
No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Okay, so, what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Um...Gene.
It's Clint. It's Clint!
- See you later, Gene. - Bye, Gene.
It's Clint! Clint!
What's up with Gene?
What? You wore your nightie to dinner?
Oh, yeah.
And, uh, the best part, though
was when the waiter spilled water down my back.
I jumped up and my boob popped out.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, no.
No. It's alright. I got nice boobs.
So, I just picked up a message from Emily.
She and Susan are going to a poetry reading together.
- So? - So?
Poetry?
Susan's gay.
They're being gay together!
- But Emily's straight. - Oh, wake up!
Wow.
- Carol really messed you up. - Excuse me?
Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting
crazy, jealous sycophant.
Alright, so I don't know what sycophant means
but the rest is right.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I am not a crazy, jealous person.
Huh.
- What? - She's totally right.
When we were together you got freaked out about Mark
and there was nothing going on.
This totally makes sense.
It does not.
Oh, sure it does.
In high school you weren't jealous at all
even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you.
[Phoebe gasps]
Alright, alright, so up until '92, '93, he was very trusting.
Then '94 hit, Carol left him and bam, Paranoid City.
(Rachel) 'Yep.'
Absolutely. Absolutely.
This is so much fun.
This is not fun!
Look...all we're trying to say
is, don't let what happened with Carol
ruin what you've got with Emily.
The '92 Ross wouldn't.
Thanks.
Still think I was right about that whole Mark thing though.
Wha-ya-wha? You know what?
I hope Emily is a lesbian.
[drum rattling]
Drum roll.
Okay, okay, alright.
Help. Am I a Mark or a John?
Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark..
...but you might make a good Barney.
Alright, look, I'm serious, okay?
Tomorrow at 3:30 I'm going down to the courthouse.
You're actually going through with this?
Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life.
Okay, it's probably why kids picked on me in school
and why I never do well with women.
So, as of 4 o'clock tomorrow, I'm either gonna be
Mark Johnson or John Markson.
You've got problems because of you, not your name.
Alright, this has got to stop.
Chandler is a great name.
In fact..
Yes. I'm-I'm sorry.
I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but..
...so, I'm-I'm gonna..
...I'm gonna name the baby Chandler.
Really?
Yeah, but you have to keep the name, too.
- Okay. Thanks. - Okay.
- You wanna hug it out? - Yeah.
- Yay. - Yay.
Yay. Oh, yay!
Okay, I got to go tell
Frank and Alice right now.
Ooh.
- Bye, Pheebs. - Okay, bye.
[devious laughter]
[horrified gasp]
(male announcer) Flight 004 is now arriving at Gate 17.
- That's nice luggage. - Yeah, I was gonna say.
Hey!
- Hi! - Hi!
- I missed you. - Oh, I missed you, too.
Hey, thanks for everything. I had such a great time.
Oh, so did I.
There's no tongue.