You know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done
and you said it was gonna be fun.
Which it kind of is.
Also, you said there were gonna be other guys here.
There are no other guys here.
Chandler, there's a guy right over there.
That's a mailman.
That's our mailman!
Hi. How are you?
Chandler, don't worry.
This doesn't make you any less of a guy.
That does.
What am I sitting on?
[laughs] I'd hate to think what this woman was scratching
when this broke off.
Hey, you know, uh, who used to have nails like that?
- No. - Oh...my...God.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Joey, let me ask you a question.
This has been driving me crazy. What does this light switch do?
Oh, nothin'.
Didn't it drive you crazy to have a switch
and not to know what it did?
I know what it did.
Nothin'.
They wouldn't have put it there if it didn't do something.
- How can you not care? - Like this.
Well, here's another question for ya.
Uh, do you know what that little
silver knob on the toilet does?
- Sure. It flushes it. - Okay, good.
Now that since you know, when you come over
would you mind actually using it?
- Hello. - Hey.
[screaming]
- Oh, good Lord. - Guess who we ran into today.
- Janice. - Is this amazing?
Oh, my God. How have you been?
Well, um, I'm divorced.
[gasps] Wow.
Yeah, I'm riding the alimony pony.
[laughs]
And there it is.
I just came up to say hi. Hi.
[laughing]
And you, sweetie, I'll see later.
- Okay. - I'll see you tonight.
- Okay. Bye. - Bye.
- Bye. Bye. - Bye. Oh, bye.
- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
I can't stand that woman.
What? I thought you were crazy about her.
Yeah, I know, but you know all those little annoying things
that she did before we fell in love?
You know, like her, her voice and her laugh
and her personality?
They're all back, you know.
And she's picked up, like, nine new ones.
So what are you doing bringin' her here?
There's people here!
Don't worry about it. I'm taking care of it tonight.
- Sure. - You are not.
You have never been able to break up with her.
Well, I don't have to break up with her this time.
We're not involved.
I'm gonna do a pre-emptive strike.
I'm gonna end it with her before it starts.
My ass is, like, frozen.
Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes.
I'm telling ya.
[instrumental music]
I can't believe you really walk alone here at night.
I mean, you hear such stories about New York.
No, it's, it's really not that bad.
I mean, I, I for one feel perfectly safe.
- 'Em!' - Em!
[indistinct shouting]
Help! Help! Help!
- Come here, love. - No, no, no, Ross.
Ross, these are friends of mine from home.
Liam, Devon, this is Ross.
Oh.
- Hi, mate. - Hey.
- How are you, mate? - Ha!
That was a good one, huh? "Help! Help!"
(Emily) 'So how are you?'
I've been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived
but, um, well, I've been rather busy.
Do you realize we've not seen each other
since the night of that U2 concert?
Oh, my God, I think you're right.
Well, actually, the last time you and I saw each other
was the next morning.
[chuckles] Oh, Liam.
Ha! Oh, Liam.
So, uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something?
Or-or should I call it football? Uh, foo..
We were playing rugby.
In fact, we're playing a game at the park tomorrow.
You're welcome to play too, if you want.
[laughs] Ross play rugby?
I don't think so.
What..
What's so funny about that?
Well, I mean..
...you're American to start with.
You don't really have rugby here.
[scoffs] Well, we didn't have freedom here
until 1776 either, so..
So, good, then. We'll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
[grunting]
[instrumental music]
Oh, boy!
I just love to sing.
Yes, I, I know that you do.
I think one of the reasons people were complaining though
was because most of the people had paid
to hear the actor sing "Old Man River."
Oh, look at us.
Who would've thought that cupid had a station
at 14th Street Nails?
[laughing]
Okay, we have to talk.
I'm just getting out of a very serious..
...relationship.
I know.
And I'm just getting out of a marriage.
I mean, talk about meant to be.
Right.
But I just think this is happening too soon.
Oh, too soon, too schmoon.
Face it, honey.
I am not letting you get away this time.
I hear ya.
[chuckles]
But..
...unfortunately, my company..
...is transferring me overseas.
Oh, no.
Where to?
[gasps] To Paris?
No. No, not, not Paris.
Ooh, to London? Oh, no, Rome?
Vienna? Ooh, ooh, Barcelona?
Okay, could you just stop talking for a second?
Yemen.
That's right, yes.
I'm being transferred to Yemen.
When?
- I don't know exactly. - Oh.
Well, I will just have to soak up
every ounce of Chandler Bing
until that moment comes.
But I do know it's sometime tomorrow.
[instrumental music]
- Done? - Yep.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's up? - Huh.
This switch thing has been driving me crazy.
So I turned it off and checked every outlet.
Now, four of them don't work, which means one of them
has to be controlled by the switch.
(Monica) 'So I plugged in things'
in all four outlets that, that make noise.
That way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise
and find out which one it is.
I bet I stopped listening before you did.
You know, you, you also could've used, uh, lamps
and then followed the light.
Yeah, well, I'm using noise.
Okay. Alright.
So everybody ready?
- Okay. - 'Here we go.'
[humming]
I hear something.
Where is it?
[Joey humming]
It's coming from Joey.
Oh, my God, that's so freaky.
Turn him off!
(man on TV) 'Goes back to England with the set scrum'
'in center field inside to..'
- Ooh, hey! - 'Hi!'
Can we put on the news? I think it might be raining.
No, just hold on a second.
I'm watching this rugby thing on ESPN.
I don't know what the big deal is.
I'm man enough to play this sport.
Dude, you're not even man enough to order
the channel that carries this sport.
Hey there, Ross.
Hey.
Janice.
You know, uh..
...you really didn't have to help me pack.
Oh, well, when you said all you were gonna be doing
between now and the time you leave is packing
you really didn't leave me much choice, did you?
Well, I thought I did, but I-I guess I did not.
- Hey, what's going on? - Oh, I'm packing.
You know, I'm packing 'cause I'm moving to Yemen tomorrow.
Well, thanks for telling me.
I'm only pretend-moving to Yemen, okay?
It's the only way I can get rid of her.
Oh.
Good one.
And Yemen, that actually sounds like a real country.
Hey, Chandler, come on.
I'm gonna show you how to roll up your underwear
and stuff it in your shoes. It's a real space saver.
Yeah, I know, I do that 'cause it makes me look taller.
Okay, Chandler, come on.
Okay. Joey, trade lives with me.
Nope.
Man, look at this.
Ross, I can't believe you
said you'd play rugby.
I mean, look how brutal this is.
Hey, I can handle it, alright?
Oh, please, Ross.
You, you got hurt playing badminton with my dad.
That's 'cause your mom's dog
kept, kept looking at me.
Okay, Ross, look, look, look.
Right here, it's called a scrum, okay?
It's, it's kind of like a huddle.
And is a hum kind of like a scruddle?
[chuckling]
Ross, they're gonna kill you.
Now, why are you doing this anyway?
Well, you should have seen the guy
that she used to go out with. I mean, he's like Joe Rugby.
You're kidding. And he plays rugby?
That's so funny.
Oh, I see. You did that. Alright.
Anyway, she thought the very idea of me
playing rugby with him was, like, hilarious.
So I'm gonna show her how tough I really am.
[chuckling]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you're right.
You are, you are a tough guy.
You are the toughest paleontologist I know.
Alright, come on.
Look, Ross can take care of himself.
- It's not like he's Chandler. - 'Thanks.'
Look, don't worry about me, okay?
I'll just look real energetic
and stay away from the ball.
I'll, uh, I'll be that guy, right outside the circle.
(man on TV) 'Ojomo to back to Bracken.'
- Oh! Oh! - Oh, geez.
Oh, well, maybe there was a dog looking at him.
[instrumental music]
(Joey) Oh, hey, Ross, Ross, Ross.
You wanna stay away from that guy
and that guy, and that one.
Dude, they're all huge.
They don't look any bigger than me.
Well, maybe that's 'cause you're closer to you.
So you look bigger to you from where you are.
I'm just gonna go and say hello to the lads, alright?
- Alright. - Okay.
Hi.
Oh.
I kind of liked it.
[referee whistles] Ball! Play!
Okay, I know what I've got to do.
I've got to go Red Ross.
You know, Red Ross?
Totally don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, the time that we were all waiting in line
for "Dances With Wolves" and that one guy
cut in front of us and I-I just lost it?
Huh? Screamed at him, turned all red?
Red Ross!
No.
You'll see.
Liam, do me a favor.
Tell the lads to go easy on Ross.
- It's his first time. - You don't say.
Thanks.
Good luck, babe.
Ross! Ross, come on! Get in here!
[men grunting]
(Liam) 'Ross, come on!'
[grunting]
Ross! Ross, come on.
(Devon) 'Get in the bloody scrum.'
'Ross, get in!'
[Ross screaming]
[all shouting]
(Ross) Help!
(Ross) Joey!
[instrumental music]
Oh! You are not gonna believe it.
Joshua came into work today and guess what happened?
- He asked you out? - No.
But I was showing him some cuff links
and I felt his pulse.
Saucy.
- What are these? - Ah.
Electrical plans for the building.
Okay, okay, okay. Should I be scared?
I know that switch has got to do something, okay?
So, so I went down to City Hall and I got these.
All I had to do is pay $25
and wait in line for three hours.
Wow! If only more people knew.
[instrumental music]
You know, you..
...really didn't have to take me to the airport.
Oh, please. Every moment is precious.
You know, besides, somebody had to ride
in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage
and your friends don't seem to care very much
that you're leaving.
Well, we're not really that close.
Okay, so, I guess this is, uh, you know..
- Goodbye, then. - Oh, no!
No, it's not goodbye.
I'm not leaving until you get on that plane.
Okay, well, I guess just...wait here then.
Hi. I need a fake ticket to Yemen.
- One ticket to Yemen? - Oh, no, no.
No, no, no. I just need, I just need a pretend ticket.
I-I'm sorry, sir. I don't understand.
Okay, what would you give to a kid if he wanted
a ticket to play with?
Are you traveling with a child?
No.
Alright, look, you know what?
She's gonna think that I'm handing you a credit card
but what I'm really gonna do
is hand you a library card.
Uh, sir, a ticket to Yemen is $2100.
And we don't take library cards.
What's the matter? Is something wrong?
Do you have to stay?
American Express?
[instrumental music]
Ross!
[grunting]
[Ross squeals]
Oh! I can't believe they're doing that to him.
I told them to go easy on him.
Well, no offense, but you know
sometimes it's hard to understand you
you know, with the accent, so..
[whistles]
That's just halftime. There's more of this.
- Hey, hey! - 'Hey.'
(Phoebe) 'Hey.'
Did you see me?
I was pretty good, huh?
- That is one fun game! - Right.
Hey, do me a favor. Could you just grab me a bottle of water?
- Yeah. - Thanks.
I, I think I'm dying. I-I really do.
- Oh, you poor baby. - Tell my son that I love him.
Oh, excellent.
Oh, okay, gotta have some more fun.
Ross, they are killing you out there.
Mm-mm.
- That's not true. - She's right.
- You have to stop. - What? No.
No, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross.
Dude, you go back out there you're gonna be dead Ross.
I don't care. I am not quitting.
I am gonna finish this game.
Alright, alright, if you insist on doing this
at least let me help you.
No. God, no!
That is no place for a woman.
Those guys will grab anything.
No, that's not what I was saying.
I just might know a few things
that could help you inflict some pain.
- I like that. - Yeah?
Listen closely.
- Devon has got a weak ankle. - Huh?
(Emily) 'Once swift kick, and he'll back off.'
Alright, bad ankle. Got it!
And-and that big bloke with the beard.
- Uh-huh? - He's got a trick hip.
- Huh-ha! - Yeah.
- And, uh, and David over there. - Right.
I've heard that he doesn't wear a cup.
Well, I could use that! Trick hip, no cup. Okay, okay!
And-and, and Liam, Liam's got bad knees.
You hit him right and he'll go down like a lamp.
But Liam's on my team.
I don't care. You just get them!
I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get him!
Okay, I am going back in.
[grunting]
Hey, Red Ross! Yeah.
[instrumental music]
- Hi. - Hi.
What are, what are, what are these?
Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up.
Thought they'd brighten up the place.
They do, don't you think?
- Ah! - No, no, don't! Don't!
Ah!
I-I know that there's no hole there.
I just really like that picture.
Oh, my God, look at this!
Okay, but there is a wire back there.
I mean, that switch is connected to something!
I don't care.
The wires have come loose in your head.
I just thought if I could follow the wire
I could find out what it did.
- And did you? - No.
Disappears back there behind that baseboard.
For a minute there I thought it went downstairs.
[gasps]
But it didn't.
Say hello to Mrs. Katrakas.
- Oh, my God. - 'Hello, darling!'
Hello, Mrs. Katrakas.
[instrumental music]
Now, are you sure you don't wanna go see a doctor?
Ah, no. That'll, that'll just bring me down.
This was great. I mean, I-I-I was great.
This was a great day. You know what?
I'm buying everyone coffee, alright?
If someone will just grab my wallet.
- It's in my pocket. - Yeah, sure.
- No, not you. - Okay.
Alright, look, your eye's still popping out a little there.
- I'm gonna go get some ice. - Okay.
Ooh, ice, yeah. I'm so in the mood for ice.
Yeah.
- You were amazing out there. - Oh.
- I kind of was, wasn't I? - Oh, my God!
I made a man twice my size cry.
I mean, I haven't done that since I was four
and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks.
You really enjoyed yourself, didn't you?
Please, are you kidding?
I-I hurt three huge men.
I gave a guy a bloody nose.
I mean, I'm, I'm not proud of it, but..
I really am. I mean..
[chuckles]
And it's all because of you.
Yeah.
Wonderful, amazing you.
I think you've got a concussion.
No, no, I'm serious. Thank you.
You're welcome.
[squeals]
I'm sorry. Did that hurt you?
It's worth the pain.
[chuckles]
You know what? You know what? It's not.
[instrumental music]
(woman on PA) 'This is the final boarding call'
'for flight 664 to Yemen.'
Well, I guess I got to go.
Oh, my Bing-a-ling.
I'll wait for you.
Do you even know how long you're gonna be gone?
Well, just until we find
an energy source to replace fuel.
Oh.
Well, I'll write you every day.
Fifteen, Yemen Road, Yemen.
Okay, goodbye.
Goodbye.
- Chandler? - Nope.
Chandler!
Janice, there you are. There you are.
I had to have one last kiss and also..
...also you said you were gonna leave
right after I got on the plane.
No, no.
I-I wanna see you take off.
Well, then I guess I'm going to Yemen.
When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
[instrumental music]
Alright.
The super couldn't figure out what it did.
The $200-an-hour electrician
couldn't figure out what it did.
I've had seven pretty serious shocks.
- I officially give up. - Thank God.
Guess Joey was right.
It does nothing.
See?
I'm doing it! I am totally doing it!
I lost it.
[theme music]