[instrumental music]
Okay, she is the star of the play
and she is my girlfriend.
I get to have sex with the star of the play.
People can hear you.
[laughing] I know!
Wow, she looks great, doesn't she?
Uh.
(male #1) 'Hi.'
(Kathy) 'Hi.'
That is one good-looking man.
Is it just me or can you actually see his abs
through his overcoat?
(male #1) 'So, you been doing this long?'
(Kathy) 'No, you're my first.'
'Put the money on the table.'
- 'Oh, yeah.' - 'Mm. Oh.'
- 'Oh.' - 'Ooh, that's nice.'
- 'Ah.' - 'Mm.'
- 'Mm-hm-mm.'
- Dude. - 'Ah.'
(male #1) 'Mm.'
(male #1) 'Is that an expensive blouse?'
(Kathy) 'If you want it to be.'
[fabric ripping] 'Oh!'
(Kathy) 'Uh.'
- 'Oh ho-ho.' - 'Mm.'
Here's your girlfriend's button.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have, like
your old blouses and dresses from high school?
Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?
Well, it's just maternity clothes are so expensive.
(Monica) 'Hey, Rach, I made a pile of your stuff'
on this side of the room, if you could just..
[grunts]
...throw your purses at it?
Bloomingdale's eliminated my department.
[gasps]
Oh, my God! Are you out of a job?
No, but they stuck me in personal shopping
which is just a huge step down.
"Personal shopping?" What is that?
Like, where you walk around with snooty rich people
and tell them what to buy?
- Uh-huh. - That sounds great.
Hey.
Um, excuse me. We switched apartments.
You can't eat our food anymore. Th-that gravy train has ended.
There's gravy?
If you have the big apartment
then you have to deal with people
coming over all the time.
That fridge has got to be stocked, okay?
That's your apartment now.
What are you doing?
(Joey) 'I think I left a donut up here.'
[instrumental music]
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, how was Kathy's play?
Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex
with a real good-looking guy.
Yeah, it was like somebody literally
wrote down my worst nightmare
and then charged me $32 to see it.
That's a good idea for a business.
I'm totally screwed, okay?
They're gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night
and then they're gonna go to their little cast parties
and he's gonna try to undermine me.
You know, he'll be like, "So, where's your boyfriend
what's his name, Chester?"
And she'll go, "No, no, no, it's Chandler."
And he'll go, "Whatever."
[laughing]
That, that is a good trick.
Alright, look, look, uh, what am I gonna do?
Chandler, look. They're actors. They're there to do a job.
Just 'cause they work together
doesn't mean they're gonna get together.
I mean, just because it happened
with like Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins
doesn't mean it's gonna happen with them.
Oh, oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Oh! Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Yeah.
Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
They're not a couple.
- Oh, okay! I get the game now. - 'Mm.'
Okay, look, look, let me ask you a question.
When they were doing it on stage was it, like, really hot?
Huh! Oh, yeah.
Well, okay, so then you're fine.
Look, the rule is
when two actors are actually doing it offstage
then all the sexual tension between them is gone, okay?
So as long as it's hot onstage
you got nothing to worry about.
It's when the heat goes away
that's when you're in trouble.
- Really? - Look.
You guys have been to every play I've ever been in
have I ever had chemistry onstage?
- No. - No!
[instrumental music]
So, uh, man, are you gonna go see the play with me tonight?
You know what, I don't know how comfortable I am
gonna see how hot the sex is
between some guy and your girlfriend.
Well, yeah, I know, but--
No, no, no. Oh, I'm there.
- Hey. - Hey, Mon.
Want some pancakes?
You made pancakes?
- Yup. Grab a plate. - Okay.
No, no. Stay right there.
Gettin' closer.
Okay, okay, but don't worry
because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles
and jams, jellies and marmalades.
Which I'm fairly certain are the same thing, by the way.
Listen, also, we're, uh, we're watching the game here
Saturday night if people want to come over.
- Oh, yeah. - 'Oh.'
I was thinkin' about having people over for the game.
Oh, yeah? Who's playin'?
The players.
Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.
[scoffs] Please. It's a relief is what it is, is what it is.
Alright, Pheebs, stick out your plate.
Oh.
[instrumental music]
Monica, I'm quitting.
I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong
and she didn't even buy it.
I'm telling you, I'm quitting. That's it.
I'm talking to my boss right now. Yes, I am.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.
Okay. Bye. Call me when you get this message.
Oh, Mr. Waltham, I, uh, really need to talk to you.
In a moment, please. I'm in the middle of a task.
And you have a customer.
- Hi. - Hi. I'm Joshua.
Hi. I'm Rachel Green.
What can I do for you, Joshua?
Well, uh, I need a whole new wardrobe.
My wife, well, my ex-wife..
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[clears throat] Anyway, she burned all of my clothes.
I got away with two things, this suit
and what turned out to be a, uh, skirt, huh.
Oh! Well, at least that's a great suit. Ha!
But it wasn't much fun dropping it off
at the dry cleaners in the skirt.
[laughing]
So, I need everything down to underwear
so if you're willing I'm, uh, I'm all yours.
- Okay. - Ha ha.
Rachel, you needed to speak to me?
No, no, that wasn't me.
Well...we should get started.
Let me show you my underwear.
The selection of underwear that we carry.
[sighs]
Oh, I'm sorry, it's this way.
- It's this way. - 'It's this way?'
- Yeah. - 'Sorry.'
[sighs]
[instrumental music]
I'm right, right? There was like no chemistry between them.
Before they had heat and now there's no heat.
(Chandler) 'Now, you know what this means.'
Joey told us what this means.
Alright, let's not jump to any conclusions, alright?
There was some sexual chemistry between them.
Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there.
Here she comes. Don't say a word, okay? Just be cool.
Don't be...you know, you.
- Hey, you guys. - Hey.
Hi.
Oh, thank you so much for coming again.
- Did you like it tonight? - Oh. Absolutely.
- Oh. - Mm-mm.
Wasn't Nick funny when he couldn't get his match lit?
[Kathy and Chandler laugh]
It's a good play, isn't it?
Mm.
I loved the play.
Uh, yeah, you were great
and Nick, ditto.
Clearly, you're having sex with him.
Okay..
Clearly, I'm having sex with him?
Oh, come on. It was so obvious.
There was no chemistry between you two.
Okay, let me just get this straight.
You're accusing me of cheating on you
and you're insulting my performance?
You know, I can, I can see how this could happen.
You know, you're up there every night
naked, touching, kissing.
Ugh! Acting.
Chandler, this is my job.
I-I'm playing a part in a play.
How can you not trust me?
Well, you can understand, given how we started.
Oh, wow.
I can't believe you're throwing that in my face.
Well, that is what happened
and I don't even see you denying this.
I'll tell you what, Chandler.
Why don't you call me
when you grow up?
Yeah, well, don't expect that
to happen anytime soon.
[instrumental music]
Oh! I have the best job in the entire world.
The most adorable guy came over today
and I got to dress him up all day.
Rachel has a new doll.
Oh, I wish he was a doll.
Then I could get a "Rachel" doll
and I'd bump them together
and make kissing noises.
Oh, and he's got the most beautiful name.
I never realized. Joshua.
Oh! Josh...u-a.
Joshua. Josh.
Uh, hello?
Hi.
Ooh, what do I smell?
I don't know, but it smells good.
- 'Mm.' - 'Mm.'
[sniffing]
Fresh cookies. Hot from the oven.
- Oh! - Please, have some.
Oh, yum!
Yeah, just been fiddling around in here
making delicious treats for everyone.
Oh. The new "Playboy."
Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Cookies and porn. You're the best mom ever.
[laughs]
- What? What? - Nothing.
It's just something Joshua said about V-necks
but you had to be there.
Yeah, how does, uh, Jason look in a V-Neck?
- It's Joshua. - Oh, whatever.
Wait, wait. This, this isn't takeout.
Well, hate to eat and run.
No, wait. Please don't go.
Hey, I've got porn for you too.
Yeah, I don't need it.
People are supposed to want to hang out here.
Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
I'm the hostess.
Not those guys. I'm always the hostess.
I mean, even when I was little, I mean, the..
The girls brought their dollies to my tea party.
I, I served the best air.
Well, why did you make, like, a whole big thing out of
you know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment?
Because they took our apartment. I wanted to punish them.
I'm, I'm done now.
They, they've suffered enough.
If you wanted to punish them
you should've just made them hang out here.
Yeah, that's true.
Alright then, when I'm finished with this place
it's gonna be ten times better than that place.
Oh, are we gonna trash their place?
Steps!
Slut!
You will all be very happy to hear
that Kathy is sleeping with that guy.
- What? - Oh, no. So, you were right?
I confronted her
and she didn't deny it.
I don't live here.
- Chandler? - Chandler, what did she say?
- Wait a minute. Are you sure? - Hey..
Well, I may be drunk but I know what she said
so then I went over to Beefsteak Chulie's..
- Beefsteak Charlie's? - Yes!
See, you and I have always been like..
[instrumental music]
Whoops. Huh.
Oh, hey, do you need help with that?
No. I got it.
Oh, I just feel bad. I never vacuum.
- Hi. - 'Hey.'
So, I was with Joshua for an hour today
and he has not asked me out.
Just so frustrating.
Why don't you ask him out?
Oh, yeah. Totally. That's such a turn-on.
Really? Doesn't seem desperate?
Oh-hoo, that's the turn-on.
He just got a divorce, right?
So, he's probably really nervous around women, you know?
Maybe you just need to make the first move.
Yeah, but I've never asked a guy out before.
You've never asked a guy out?
No. Have you?
Thousands of times. Huh.
That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?
I don't even know how I would go about it.
Oh, well, what I do is, uh, I look a woman up and down
and I say, "Hey...how you doin'?"
Oh, please.
Hey...how you doin'?
You know what? I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna call him up and I'm going to ask him out.
(Phoebe) 'Yeah.'
I can do that. Ask him out.
[imitating Joey] How you doin'?
Hi, Joshua.
It's Rachel Green from Bloomingdale's.
Yeah, um, I was just wondering if you, um...if you, um..
[sighs]
...left your wallet at the store today?
Oh, well, we found a wallet and we..
The license? Well, that is a good idea.
Uh, well, let's see.
This, this license belongs to a, uh, belongs
to a mister, uh, Pheebs.
And, um, yeah.
So, okay, so sorry to bother you at home.
I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.
You've done that a thousand times?
I've never done that.
Oh, God. I just got so nervous that he was going to say no.
Well, you've got to give him something he can't say no to.
Like, uh, Knicks tickets.
Invite the guy to a Knicks game. You're guaranteed he'll say yes.
Really? You think that will work?
Absolutely and if it doesn't, can I get the extra ticket?
[whirring]
What the heck is that?
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music on TV]
Did she call?
- No. Sorry. - Huh!
Alright, maybe I should call her.
No, forget her, man.
You don't need her. You don't need that.
He's right. What she did was unforgivable.
Well, yeah, but, you know, what if, what if I was wrong?
How might you be wrong?
Well, you know, what if she didn't
actually sleep with the guy?
Dude, tell me she actually told you this.
She did not have to tell me.
I saw the play and there was no heat.
Back me up here, Ross.
That's all you're basing this on?
That's not backing me up!
Look, you said, you know, with the offstage and the heat
and the onstage and..
Whoa! Whoa! That, that was just a theory.
There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out.
Lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Oh, my God!
Would you like to go to a basketball game with..
No, no.
You know, it's funny, basketball
because I happen to have tickets to the..
Okay...um..
Who likes the Knick..
What do you think?
Oh!
Well, as a single woman
who is available, I think you look great.
Huh. Yeah?
Yep. Oh, yeah. You look great.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, this looks great.
Um, so, you like it?
I do. I do. I love it.
In fact, I-I think I'm going to wear it home.
- Great. - Alright.
Well, thank you so much..
...for all your help.
Well, I guess, uh, I guess this is it.
[stuttering] Yeah!
Thanks.
Maybe I'll see you in the spring
you know, with the, uh, for the bathing suits.
Well, oh, you don't want to do that now?
- Oh, that's okay. I.. - 'Oh.'
Anyway, hopefully I-I'll see you around sometime.
Basketball!
Sorry?
I, uh..
I have, tuh, two tickets to the Knicks game tonight
if you're interested, just as a thank you for this week.
- Wow! That would be great. - Really?
- Yeah, that would be fantastic. - Aw.
My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks.
This is fantastic. Thank you so much, Rachel.
- 'Good morning.' - Hi.
(Rachel) 'Oh!'
- Hey. - Hey.
I just, I just wanted to come over
to, to say that I'm sorry, you know.
I know, I acted like the biggest idiot in the world
and I can completely understand why you were so upset.
Oh, wow.
I really wish you'd called me.
Yeah, I know. I-I wish I had, too
but, you know, I-I think this is a good thing, you know.
'Cause we've had our first fight and now we can move on.
You know, I mean I know for me..
Nick's pants?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one.
[instrumental music]
Okay. For next time, what do you say?
I have an extra ticket, an extra ticket
not two tickets, I have an extra ticket.
So, the first time you asked a guy out
he, he turned you down?
He didn't turn me down.
He's at the game, isn't he?
I got the date. I'm just not on it.
Okay, it's ready.
Come on.
What's ready?
Just come.
Oh, my God!
- Wow! - Hey.
- Monica. - This is beautiful.
Oh, did you, what, did you work for two days straight?
Pretty much.
So, what do, what do you think of the floor?
I don't know. Looks the same.
You used to have carpet.
Oh, yeah.
- So I, I made snacks. - Oh!
Please just hang out, okay?
I'm, I'm just gonna rest my eyes for just a little bit.
Mon, do you want us to, uh, come back later?
Oh, no, no, no. Stay, stay, stay.
Just keep talking.
I am always the hostess.
- Hey. - How did it go?
So?
Well, she wasn't sleeping with him.
- Oh, good. - Oh, my God.
She is now.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that she..
...is a devil woman.
You know, I mean, you think you know a person
and then they turn around, they sleep with Nick.
Nick, and his rock-hard pecs and his giant man nipples.
I hate him. And I hate her!
Well, I don't hate her. I...love her.
This is all my fault, really.
- Oh! - How? How is it your fault?
Because...ah!
I, I should have called.
You know, if I had just called her after our big stupid fight
she never would've gone out with Nick
and they wouldn't have ended up in bed together.
I threw her at his man nipples!
Honey, this is not your fault.
Just because you guys had a fight
does not justify her sleeping with someone.
Well, if-if she thought they were on a break.
[instrumental music]
Rachel. One of your customers seem to have left his billfold.
A Joshua Burgin.
- Really? - Will you call him?
Yes. I will. Absolutely.
Oh.
[imitates Joshua] Hello, Rachel.
Hi, Joshua.
[imitates Joshua] I left my wallet here on purpose.
Really?
[imitates Joshua] Yes, I just wanted to see you again.
Oh, I'm glad.
[imitates Joshua] Rachel, I'd like to say something to you.
Yes?
[imitating Joey] How you doing?
[theme music]