[rooster crowing]
[crowing continues]
[shouting] What the hell is that?
[crowing continues]
What the hell is that? Is that you?
[crowing continues]
[grunting]
Boy, you are really not a morning person.
Just back off!
Get up! Get up! Get up!
What is that noise?
You.
It's the chick.
She's...going through some changes.
What kind of changes?
Well, the vet seems to think
that she's...becoming a rooster.
[crowing continues]
We're getting a second opinion.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing shopping
at eight in the morning?
Well, I've been up since six
thanks to somebody's
dumb-ass rooster.
You guys, you really should get rid of those animals.
They shouldn't be living in an apartment.
Yeah, especially not with all these knives
and cookbooks around.
Alright, I'm gonna go to the fertility doctor
and, uh, see if I'm ready
to have Frank and Alice's embryo
transferred into my uterus.
Now, how will they know if you're ready?
Oh, they're just gonna, um, look and see
if my endometrial layer is thick.
Well, I can, uh, check that for you.
Okay, everyone, think thick.
- Goodbye. - Good luck.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Wish me luck. - Oh, good luck.
Good luck. And I'm still right.
[scoffs] That is so not true.
What?
She's mad because I know today's her laundry day
and that means she's wearing her old lady underpants.
Well, I can check that for you.
I ju.. I just can't believe that you think
that you and Chandler know me and Rachel
better than we know you.
Well, we-we do.
You can only eat Tic Tacs in even numbers.
Yeah, what's that about?
And you, Ross, I believe if you check Rachel's bag
you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.
You're good.
These are not.
So not impressed.
Everybody snacks when they shop.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah?
Ross, how many items left in that bag?
- Five. - Okay.
Ten bucks says that we can name
every item in that bag.
- How many guesses do you get? - Six.
Challenge extended.
- Deal. - Challenge accepted.
Alright, we'll start with...apples.
We'll be starting with apples.
[imitating Ross] Stop that now.
Yes.
Okay, uh, tortilla chips
yogurt.
Diet soda.
Yes, yes.
Yes.
- Orange juice. - No!
There's no orange juice in there. We win!
They have another guess.
Okay, well, we won that one.
Okay, the last thing--
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
No. No. Not for, like, another two weeks.
I got it.
Scotch..
...tape.
Ha!
How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
Well, we used up theirs last night making scary faces.
[laughing]
- Oh, man! - Alright, ten bucks!
Fork it over. Cough it up.
Pay the piper.
Give me that.
That does not mean you know us better. I-I want a rematch.
Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions.
- Real personal questions. - Yeah.
And the winner gets a hundred bucks.
You s-serious?
Are you scared?
No.
Okay, who-who-who makes up the questions?
Ross will do it.
Oh, sure, "Ross will do it."
It's not like he has a job or a child
or a life of his own.
Well, fine. We'll ask Phoebe.
No, no, no. I-I want to play.
[instrumental music]
Looks like your uterus is ready for implantation.
Oh, I knew it. I knew it.
I felt really thick this morning.
Well, okay, so what's now? Go get, go get the eggs.
- Put 'em in there. - Okay.
It'll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.
"Embryos?" As in more than one?
Mm, five, actually.
Five? Okay, where am I giving birth?
In a hospital or a big box under the stairs?
[laughing] We do five because that gives you a 25% chance
that at least one will attach.
That's it? 25%?
That-that means that it's, like, 75% chance
of no baby at all?
Hey, you know, I was thinking.
What are the odds like if, if like
you stuff like 200 of 'em in there?
Sweetie, now, she's a woman
not a gum ball machine.
Okay, well, you know what, don't worry, you guys
'cause I'm-I'm gonna do this as many times
as it takes to get it right.
Well, see, the-the thing is we-we only..
...we kinda only have one shot.
I mean, it-it costs $16,000 each time you do this.
[gasps]
So, um, we're kind of using
all the money we have to do it just this one time.
Whoa!
That's...okay, that's a lot of pressure
on me and my uterus.
So, well, okay, so, maybe there's something that I can do
you know, just to, like, help make sure I get pregnant.
No. I'm sorry.
Wow. You guys really don't know anything.
I know! Why don't you get drunk?
That worked for a bunch of girls in my high school.
[instrumental music]
You guys, do you realize
that any minute now, Phoebe could be pregnant?
I know. I know.
It's such a huge, life-altering thing.
- I know. - Hmm.
The test is ready.
[all cheering]
Okay, each team will answer ten questions.
The first team to answer the most questions, wins.
The categories are, "Fears and pet peeves."
"Ancient history."
"Literature."
And "It's all relative."
Now..
...the coin toss, to see who goes first.
[coin clinking]
Okay..
...somebody call it this time.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
(Rachel) Tails!
- It's heads. - Yes, it is!
Gentlemen, pick your category.
Fears and pet peeves.
"What is Monica's biggest pet peeve?"
- Animals dressed as humans. - That's correct.
Ladies?
- Same category. - Okay.
"According to Chandler
what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?"
Michael Flatley, "Lord Of The Dance!"
That is correct.
- Ah! - Whoo!
The Irish jig guy?
His legs flail about as if independent from his body.
Ah-h-h.
Gentlemen, your pick.
It's all relative.
"Monica and I had a grandmother who died.
"You both went to her funeral.
Name that grandmother."
- Nana? - She has a real name.
- Althea! - "Althea?" What are you doing?
- I took a shot. - You're shooting with Althea?
- Althea is correct. - Nice shooting!
We'll take Literature!
"Every week the "TV Guide"
"comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment.
What name appears on the address label?"
Oh, Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing!
No!
I'm afraid the "TV Guide"
comes to "Chanandler Bong."
I knew that!
Rachel! Use your head.
Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.
[instrumental music]
Hello, teeny embryos.
Well, I'm-I'm Phoebe Buffay. Hi.
[chuckles]
Um, I'm-I'm hoping to be your uterus
for the next nine months.
You should know that we're doing this for Frank and Alice
who you know, you've been there.
Um..
You know, they want you so much.
So when you guys get in there, really grab on.
Okay, and-and I promise
that I'll keep you safe and warm
until, you know, you're ready
to have them take you home.
So..
Okay.
Oh, and also, um, next time you see me
if I'm screaming, don't worry.
That's what's supposed to happen.
[knock on door]
- Ready? - Uh-huh.
Good luck.
Alright. The score is nine to eight in favor of the guys.
Ladies, if you miss this, the game is theirs.
- Pick your category. - It's all relative!
You don't have to shout everything.
I'm sorry!
Ooh.
"What is the name of Chandler's father's
Las Vegas all-male burlesque?"
Viva Las Gaygas!
Unfortunately, that is correct.
- Yes! - Yes!
Alright. We have a tie.
Luckily, I've prepared for such an event.
The lightning round!
- Oh! - Oh!
Oh-h-h.
Thirty seconds.
All the questions you can answer.
You guys are dead!
I am so good at lightning rounds!
I majored in lightning rounds, alright?
We're gonna destroy you.
Uh, wanna bet?
I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far.
How about we play for more money?
Say, 150?
One hundred and fifty dollars.
Say, 200?
Two hundred dollars.
You're doing it again.
Excuse me.
Monica, I don't want to lose $200.
- We won't. - Okay.
- Three hundred? - Monica!
I'm just trying to spice it up.
Okay, so then play for some pepper.
Stop spending my money.
I got it.
How about if we win
they have to get rid of the rooster?
Ooh, that's interesting.
Hey-hey, no way. That rooster's family.
Throw in the duck too!
What do you have against the duck? He doesn't make any noise!
Well, he gets the other one all riled up.
- Look, we are not-- - Alright, hold on!
If you win, we give up the birds.
[gasps]
But if we win..
...we get your apartment.
Ooh hoo hoo hoo.
- Deal! - What?
[instrumental music]
Monica, betting the apartment? I don't know about this.
Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game.
I own this game!
- Look at my hand. - Why?
Do you have the answers written on there?
No! Steady as a rock.
- Now, are you with me? - Huh! Let's do it!
- Come on! - Okay.
(Ross) Alright, gentlemen, you're up first.
- Okay. - Okay.
You have 30 seconds.
The lightning round begins..
Stop it.
...now.
"What was Monica's nickname when she
was a field hockey goalie?"
- Big fat goalie! - Correct.
"Rachel claims this is her favorite movie."
- "Dangerous Liaisons." - 'Correct.'
"Her actual favorite movie is?"
- "Weekend At Bernie's." - 'Correct.'
"In what part of her body did Monica
get a pencil stuck at age 14?"
Oh!
Ew! No!
Her ear!
Alright. "Monica categorizes her towels.
How many categories are there?"
Okay. Everyday use.
- Fancy. - Guest.
- Fancy guest. - Two seconds.
Uh, 11!
[beeps]
Eleven. Unbelievable. Eleven is correct.
- Yes! - Ha ha ha!
Alright, that's four for the guys.
- Ladies, you're up. - Alright, come on.
Oh.
Thirty seconds on the clock.
Five correct questions wins the game.
The lightning round begins...now.
"What is Joey's favorite food?"
- Sandwiches. - Correct.
"Chandler was how old when he
first touched a girl's breast?"
- Fourteen? - No, nineteen.
Thanks, man.
"Joey had an imaginary childhood friend.
- His name was--" - Maurice!
Correct. "His profession was.."
- Oh, space cowboy! - 'Correct!'
"What is Chandler Bing's job?"
Oh.
Oh, gosh! It has something to do with numbers.
- And processing! - And he carries a briefcase.
Ten seconds, you need this, or you lose the game.
It's, um, it has something to do with transponding.
Oh, oh, oh, he's a transpons, transpondster!
That's not even a word!
Oh, no. I-I can get this! I can get this.
[beeps]
- Oh, my God. - No-o-o!
(Joey and Chandler) Yes!
[instrumental music]
I call Monica's room.
You can't just call Monica's room.
Sure, I can. Standard shotgun rules.
I'm in sight of the room and I called it.
[scoffs]
Man, I feel like I'm coming down with something.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Bet you can't guess what color my tonsils are.
I'll bet the apartment.
Oh, I would never bet this apartment.
It's too nice.
- Hey. - Hey.
Ooh, Pheebs, are they in there?
Um, yeah, uh-huh, I'm implanted.
[gasps] How do you feel?
Well, freaked.
'Cause...it turns out the odds are, like, really sucky.
And this is Frank and Alice's, like, only shot.
I mean, they are, like, literally
putting all their eggs in my basket.
Yeah, but I bet it works.
Really? How much?
Alright, I'm gonna go take the, uh, pregnancy test right now.
Oh, wow. You can tell this soon?
Well, the doctor says it takes a couple days
but I mean, my body's always been a little faster
than western medicine, so..
[clears throat]
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you guys actually think
you're moving in here.
Well, believe it, baby.
Well, I-I'm not, I'm not moving.
What?
No. It was a stupid bet!
We were just playing a game.
You can't just ignore the bet. It's a bet.
You bet on a bet, and if you lose, you lose the bet.
Rach, we have to move.
I mean, if we had lost, we would have made them
get rid of the birds, right?
[scoffs] No.
Alright, look, I hate this as much as you
but...if it makes you feel any better..
...this is all your fault.
- What? - "Chanandler Bong."
Come on, we steal that "TV Guide" every week!
I knew it!
I don't care. I'm not going anywhere.
Cool. Girl roommate.
Well?
Nope, not knocked up yet.
Well, it's only been a couple of hours
so just give it some time.
Yeah, alright, meanwhile
I'm gonna do whatever I can
to help this, so, I'm just gonna, you know
lie in your chair, okay?
You know, just...yeah, good.
I'm gonna let gravity, you know, do its job.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box?
No! Put that box down!
We are not going anywhere!
This is my apartment, and I like it!
This is a girls' apartment!
That is a boys' apartment!
It's dirty and it smells!
This is pretty! It's so pretty!
And look, and it's purple!
And I'm telling you, you with your steady hand
I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand.
I'll take care of it.
That's right! You do what the hand says!
[door closes]
[instrumental music]
- How'd it go? - I lost our mattresses.
[guitar strumming]
♪ Are you in there little fetus ♪
♪ In nine months will you come greet us ♪
♪ I will buy you some Adidas ♪♪
[knocking on door]
- Hi. - Hey.
Oh, hi, Phoebe, um..
...we were just at the drugstore
um, so we got you a little present.
Oh. Oh.
Um, it's a lollipop
and, uh, a home pregnancy test.
Hey, don't mix those up.
You could really ruin that lollipop.
So, um...you feel like taking a test?
There's only one question.
[laughing]
A-alright, I will. No, I will.
But, um, you know, just remember
that it's still really early, okay?
So, if it says that I'm not pregnant
that doesn't mean I'm not gonna get pregnant.
'Okay, and, and just please'
just so I don't go completely nuts
just try not to put all your hopes on this.
'Okay?'
- Okay. - Okay.
Great.
[laughing]
You know what?
You are mean boys
who are just being mean.
Hey, don't get mad at us.
No one forced you to raise the stakes.
That is not true! She did! She forced me!
Hey, we'd still be living here if you hadn't
gotten the question wrong!
Well, it was a stupid
unfair question.
Don't blame the questions.
Would you all stop yelling in our apartment?
You are ruining moving day for us!
Will you stop calling it your apartment?
But it is our apartment!
[indistinct shouting]
You guys, you guys, you're gonna have a baby.
They're gonna have a baby!
My sister's gonna have my baby!
[indistinct shouting]
Oh, okay, but this can't be good for the baby.
(all) Oh!
[all cheering]
[instrumental music]
I can't find garbage bags.
Oh, well, I think I saw some in here.
[both screaming]
- What is it? - I don't know.
But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die.
I can't believe we're living here!
[duck quacking]
[Joey screams]
What? W-w-what is it?
Did you see the size of the closets?
I can't believe we live here.
- Oh. - Oh.
- Oh! - Oh!
[theme music]