Oh, my God! I can't believe my little brother is married.
I know!
[chuckles]
You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping?
'Cause it just sorta happened, you know.
We were at the courthouse, we were having lunch--
Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?
We were having lunch.
Yeah, and then all of a sudden, we were, like
"Hey, you know, we're here, we're having lunch.
Let's get married!" right?
Wow, a year and a half ago
I didn't even know I had a brother.
Now, I have a sister, too.
Oh, it's so great. Oh.
[moaning]
Okay.
- Stop it. Don't. - Oh.
So, ooh, I'm gonna get you a gift now.
Is there anything you need?
Uh...yeah.
We've been trying to get pregnant.
Uh, pretty much ever since we got engaged.
Thought we'd get a jump on things.
You know, no one's getting any younger.
[laughing]
'Cause the thing is um, we're not able to
you know, uh, conceive, you know?
And we've tried everything.
We've seen a bunch of doctors.
Yeah, and they-and they say that
that our only chance to have a baby
is that, if they take my sperm
her egg and put it together in a dish
and then put it into another girl.
So we were wondering if you could be
the girl that we could put it into.
That's a really nice gift.
I was thinking of, like, a gravy boat.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Hey! You guys.
Check it out, check it out.
Guess what job I just got.
I don't know, but Donald Trump
wants his blue blazer black.
- What? - Blue blazer back.
He-he wants it back.
Well, y-you said "black."
Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Well, you-you know what I meant.
No. You've messed it up.
You're stupid.
So what job did you get, Joe?
Oh, uh, tour guide at the museum.
Yeah, Ross got it for me.
Well, how could you be a tour guide?
I mean, don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?
No, not really, they give you all the information.
It's, uh, it's like memorizing a script, yeah.
"And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex
a carnivore from the Jurassic period."
(in unison) Hey! That's nice.
Uh, actually, Joey
it's the Cretaceous Period.
Yeah, but I can pronounce Jurassic.
- Hey. - 'Hey!'
Guess what?
Frank Jr. and Alice got married.
(in unison) Oh, my God!
And they're gonna have a baby.
And, and, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus.
Oh, my God.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
You're really thinking of having sex with your brother?
Eww! And no, no!
It's, they, just, they want me to be the surrogate.
It's her-it's her egg and his sperm
and I'm-I'm just the oven.
- It's totally their bun. - Oh.
What did you tell them?
Well, they said I had to think about it first
but, um, what is there to think of?
I'm going to be giving someone
the greatest gift you can possibly give.
You're going to carry their child and get them
a Sony PlayStation?
Honey, this really is an incredible thing
to do for them but there are things to think about.
Yeah, I mean, you'd be pregnant.
I mean, pregnant.
I know.
Pheebs, you're talking about putting
your body through an awful lot.
I mean, morning sickness, uh, labor
and it's all for somebody else.
Yeah. What's your point?
Well, the stuff I just mentioned.
Wow, I don't know if I could ever do that.
You know, I always figured the first time I had a baby
it would be with someone I love
and that baby was, you know..
...a keeper.
You know, you guys were a lot more supportive
when I wanted to make denim furniture.
Oh, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this
we'll be supportive like crazy.
We just want you to think it through.
Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who's had a baby.
- Like your mom. - My mom never gave birth.
Oh, but my birth mom did.
Mm, I love this tushie.
Can I take it to work with me?
Oh, yeah, sure. It's not mine anyway.
- It came with the pants. - Oh.
I am so jealous.
You guys are really just right there, aren't you?
Yes.
Right where?
The beginning where ...you know, it's all sex
and talking and sex and talking and..
Yeah, you-you got to love the talking.
And the sex?
Alright, we haven't had sex yet.
Okay, but what's the big deal, you know?
This is special, and I want our love to grow
before we move on to the next level.
Oh, Chandler, that is so nice.
That is really nice..
...lying.
- No way is that the reason. - Why?
Just because you're not mature enough
to understand something like that?
No, he's right. I'm totally lying.
Then what is it?
Well, Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
And you're afraid you won't be able to..
...fill his shoes.
No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.
Yes and I was saying the actual words.
Well, big deal, so Joey's had a lot of girlfriends.
That doesn't mean that he's great in bed.
We share a wall.
So either he's great in bed
or she just liked to agree with him a lot.
Sweetie, with you, it's gonna be different.
The sex is gonna be great 'cause you-you guys are in love.
- Yeah? - 'Yeah.'
Just go for it, Chandler.
- Yeah, you should. - Yeah, you should, really.
Alright, alright. I'll sleep with my girlfriend.
But I'm just doing it for you guys.
Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.
Isn't the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epoch?
Shh, this is a museum.
No talking.
Okay, right down here, we have..
...a large foot.
Uh...and over here, we have Ross Geller.
Everyone wave hi to Ross.
Ross is one of our most important scientists.
Look at him hard at work.
Okay, moving right along.
Come on.
[knock on door]
It's open. Come in.
- Hi. - Hi.
- I'm sorry I'm late. - Oh, that's okay.
It gave me time to finish, uh, glazing my nipples.
Wow, you really go all out when you're expecting company.
No, I was working on my pottery.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, I didn't know that you did...pot.
Well, yeah, uh, mostly nudes.
It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.
Oh. Ooh! Erotery.
Hey! Okay.
Well, thanks for coming out to see me.
I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea
to talk about this baby stuff in person, you know.
Okay.
[sighs]
I really don't think it's a very good idea, Phoebe.
Why not?
Well, because you'd be giving up a baby..
...and I-I really don't..
I don't know if there's anything that I could say
that could make you understand the pain
of giving up a baby..
So..
Um..
Oh, no, no, no. I understand the pain.
Don't-don't hurt the puppy.
No, no, no. The-the puppy is yours.
- Oh, I get a puppy? - Well, yeah.
I mean, yeah, but for only three days.
Why?
Well, you know
I-I realize that I don't have any right
to start getting all parenty on you and everything now
but, um, uh..
Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy?
It's very important.
Okay.
I mean, I know what I'm talking about.
I gave up two babies
and I only wish that I had someone there
who had given up babies that could have told me
how terrible it is to give up babies.
I just think that it would be something
that you would regret every single day for the rest
of your life.
So, however hard it is
for you to give up this puppy, oh..
It would be, like, a million times harder to give up a child.
I really shouldn't have given you the puppy first.
Alright. It's okay.
[sighs]
Oh, uh, would you mind sitting there?
Oh, I-I'm saving this seat for my friend, Ross.
You mean, Dr. Geller?
"Doctor?" Oh, I didn't know he had a nickname.
Oh, he won't sit here.
Only the people in the white coats sit over there
and only the people in the blue blazers sit over here.
Well, uh, h-how come?
That's just the way it is.
That's crazy.
Maybe it's crazy in a perfect world.
A world without lab coats and blazers.
But you not in a perfect world.
You in a museum now.
See that scientist with the glasses?
He and I used to play together all the time in grade school.
Hmm, but now..
Peter!
Hey, Peter!
It's me, Rhonda, from PS 129!
I shared my pudding with you, man.
I gave you my snack pack.
See? He pretend he don't even hear me!
I-I think everybody's pretending they don't hear you.
Anyway, look, I don't know about you and your jackets
and your separate tables but Ross is one of my best friends
and if I save him a seat I'm telling you
he will sit in it.
Ross, Ross, over here, man. I saved you a seat.
That's okay. I-I'm cool over here.
I'll catch up with you later, Joey.
Oops, this is saved.
Gift shop.
Hey, uh..
...I'm really, really sorry about what happened
in the cafeteria today.
It's no big deal, you know. You do what you got to do, right?
No, hey. It's not just me.
I mean, the scientists and the tour guides
never sit together.
Whatever.
It's like that everywhere, Joey.
Okay, Mon, back me up here.
Where you work the, uh, the waiters
eat with the waiters, right and the chefs
eat with the other chefs, right?
Uh, I eat by myself in the alley
because everybody hates me.
Look, Ross..
...really, it's-it's no big deal.
You know, you wear a white coat.
I wear a blue blazer.
If that means we can't be friends at work
then so be it, you know.
Hey, I understand, you know?
Hey, when I'm in a play and you're in the audience
I don't talk to you, right?
[clears throat] So, it's...you know, it's, uh, it's-it's cool.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[door opening]
Yeah, when we're in the audience he doesn't talk to us
but he does wave.
[instrumental music]
[Phoebe humming "Rock A Bye Baby"]
- Hi. - 'Hey.'
[humming]
Why is Phoebe singing to Karl Malden?
Ooh, you know what, I think it's time
for puppy to go out again.
Come on. Let's go to the balcony.
- What? - Uh...the street.
Come on. Let's go to the street.
Oh, listen, don't go on the balcony
until after I get back.
So...did you do it?
Yes, yes, we had the sex.
Uh-oh. It was bad?
It was fine, you know, but she didn't agree with me
as strongly as she agreed with Joey.
She was more, like, uh
"Oh, I see your point, I'm alright with it."
Well, it was the first time.
You know, there's not always a lot of agreement the first time.
Yeah. Not for girls anyway.
Guys agree...like that.
Look, you have to help me, okay?
I mean, I know what to do with a woman.
You know, I know where everything goes.
It's always...nice, but I need to know
what makes it go from nice to..
"My God somebody's killing her in there."
Alright, I'm gonna show you somethin'
a lot of guys don't know. Rach, hand me that pad, please.
Alright.
Now..
Well, you don't have to draw an actual wo..
Whoa, she's hot.
Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones.
You got one, two, three..
...four...five..
...six and seven.
There are seven?
Let me see that.
Oh, yeah.
That's one?
[chuckling] Kind of an important one.
[chuckles]
Oh, you know-you know what? I was looking at it upside down.
[laughs] Well, you know, sometimes that helps.
Okay, now, most guys will hit, uh, one, two, three
and then go to seven and set up camp.
That-that's bad?
Well, if you go to Disneyland
you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.
Alright, uh, the important thing
is to take your time.
You want to hit them all ...and you want to mix them up.
You got to keep them on their toes.
Oh, toes!
Yeah, f-for some people.
(Monica) Alright.
You could, uh, start out with a-a little one..
...a two..
...a one, two, three..
...a three..
A five.
A four...a three, two..
...two, a two, four, six.
Two, four, six..
...four...two..
...two...four, seven..
...five, seven..
...six, seven..
...seven...seven..
...seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven..
...seven!
[no audio] Seven.
(Phillips) Dr. Geller..
...there's a seat over here.
Thank you, Dr. Phillips..
...but I'm having my lunch
at this table, here in the middle.
I'm having my lunch right here..
...with my good friend Joey.
If he'll sit with me.
I will sit with you, Dr. Geller.
You know...we work in a Museum of Natural History
and yet, there is something...unnatural..
...about the way we eat lunch.
Now, I look around this cafeteria
and you know what I see? I see-I see division.
Division between people in white coats
and people in blue blazers and I ask myself
"My God, why?"
Now, I say we shed these-these coats
that separate us.
And we get to know the people...underneath.
I'm Ross.
I'm divorced and I have a kid.
I'm Joey. I'm an actor.
I don't know squat about dinosaurs.
I'm Ted and I just moved here a month ago
and New York really scares me.
Alright. There you go!
Yeah. You hang in there, Teddy.
I'm Andrew..
...and I didn't pay for this pear.
Okay. Good-good for you.
I'm Rhonda..
...and these aren't real!
- Wow, Rhonda. - Yeah.
- I'm Scott. - Yeah. Okay, Scott!
And I need to flip the light switch
on and off 17 times before I leave a room
or my family will die.
[instrumental music]
My mom's gonna be here any minute.
I can't do this. I can't give him up.
Yes. No, I can.
I don't want to..
...but I can.
No.
Oh, I can't watch this. It's like "Sophie's Choice."
You know, I never saw that.
Oh, it was only okay.
[groaning] I can't do this.
My mom was right, if I can't, if I can't give him up
then...there's no way I can give up a little baby.
Oh, God, Frank and Alice are going to be so crushed.
Wh-what else, what else can I give them?
A kidney.
- Hi. - Hi.
Um, we were just in the neighborhood, so..
Yeah, so we just thought we'd stop by
and let you know that there's still no pressure.
None, but if there was something you wanted to tell us
we're just gonna be right over there having coffee.
[laughing]
Okay.
Oh, who's this little guy?
Oh. Oh!
- Um.. - Alright. Alright. Alright.
- Oh. - Oh, he's so cute.
He reminds me of my old dog, Tumor.
Oh, oh.
You are so precious. I could just take you home.
Yeah.
Hey, why don't you?
- Are you serious? - Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Oh. - Oh, thanks.
[laughs]
What are you doing?
No. I'm really okay with this.
You know why?
'Cause look at them. Look how happy they are.
And I made that, so...you know..
I know it's gonna be, like a million times harder
to give up a baby but.. Oh, my God..
It's gonna feel, like, a million times better, right?
[sighs] I wanna do this.
I wanna carry your baby.
Oh.
Oh...oh.
Thank you so much.
You don't know what this means to us.
Oh.
Oh, my God, I think I'm going to cry.
[laughing]
Oh, my God.
- It's gonna be so great. - Uh-huh.
Hi.
- What's going on? - Oh!
I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy
that I decided I'm gonna carry their baby.
- Uh, phoebe-- - No, no, no, I know.
You and I are totally different people, though..
...and this is a totally different situation
and I know that I am not gonna regret this.
Oh, I-I understand all that.
It's just...that was my puppy.
Oh.
Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone?
It depends who asked.
What if I asked?
Oh, Mon...sure.
- Really? - Yes.
You're not asking me, are you?
- No. - Yes, totally.
[gasping]
Thank you.
Yes! Thank you!
[theme music]