- Hey. - 'Hey.'
Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?
Well, Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth.
Fifteen?
Your personal best. Yeah.
Mm-mm, mm.
So, where were you?
Oh, on a date.
Yeah, I met this girl on the train
going to a museum upstate.
- Oh, yeah? How'd you meet her? - Oh, which museum?
No. Answer his.
Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train
and I sat near the door so she'd have to pass by me
if she wanted to, like, switch cars.
She was totally at my mercy.
Were you so late because you were burying this woman?
No, I'm getting back now because she lives in Poughkeepsie.
She seems really great
but she's, like, two and a half hours away.
How can she be great if she's from Poughkeepsie? Ha ha ha.
Okay, that joke would've killed in Albany.
Done. I did it.
Huh. Who's stupid now, huh?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Hey, look at this, they're lighting
the big Christmas tree tonight.
Um, that paper's two weeks old.
Alright, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?
I really wanted to take Kathy to this.
I can't believe I missed it.
Hey, you know, at least you have somebody
to miss that stuff with.
I hate being alone this time of year.
Next thing you know, it'll be Valentine's Day
then my birthday, then bang!
Before you know it, they're lighting that damn tree again.
Oh, I want somebody.
You know? I want a man.
[sighs]
I mean, it doesn't even have to be a big relationship.
You know, just like a fling would be great.
Really? I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling.
Well, let me tell you something.
It's been a long time since I've been flung.
Well, I know what I'm giving you for Christmas.
You know what? There are some nice guys at my office.
- You want me to set you up? - Yeah. Wait a minute.
It's been a long time that I've been single.
How come you've never offered this before?
Well, I have a girlfriend. I'm, I'm happy.
So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way
to stop others from being happy.
Okay.
No accountants.
Oh, and no one from, like, legal.
I don't like guys with boring jobs.
Oh, and Ross was, like, what? A lion tamer?
- Hey! - Hey.
What's wrong, Mon?
Everybody at the restaurant still hates me.
- Uh. - Thought I was making headway.
Everyone was smiling at me all day
and then I'd get off work
and find out that they wrote this
on my chef's hat.
Hey, maybe they meant to write, "Quiet, bitch."
Hey, honey, what's the matter?
Fine, just trying to be nice.
I mean, I have not been picked on this much
since I was in kindergarten
and they had to bring in someone from junior high
to do the seesaw with me.
[laughing]
Aw.
I mean, they're doing everything they can to make me quit.
And if it were any other job, I would, but this is something
I've been waiting for my whole life.
Well, honey, wait a minute, you're their boss.
Why don't you just yell at them? Or fire them?
Oh, I would love to, but I can't.
I mean, I just can't. You know I'm not good at confrontation.
Hey, you know what you could do?
I remember reading about this director
I think it was, uh, Orson Welles
who at the beginning of a movie would hire somebody
just so he could fire them in front of everybody.
Then they would all know who was boss.
Hey, Mon, I'm not doing anything.
Why don't you fire me?
That's a good idea. Uh, do you know how to waiter?
[scoffs] Good enough to get fired.
Alright. You're hired.
- Hey. - Oh.
That must be why I got fired last week.
Does this Orson Welles guy direct Burger King commercials?
Yes.
[instrumental music]
I say, Drew..
...are you seeing anybody right now?
Uh, uh, I'm not asking for me. Uh..
You know, I'm-I'm not, I'm not gay. I'm not asking you out.
I'm-I'm-I'm not gay.
I didn't think you were gay.
I do now.
See, my friend, my friend, Rachel
she wants to be set up.
Ah. You know, I just got out of a big relationship.
I'm not looking for anything serious.
Oh, well, you know, that might be okay.
Even if it was just kind of a fling
that might be alright with Rachel.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this hot Rachel that you took
to the Christmas party Rachel?
Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
Oh, wow. I'm free for her.
Wait a second. I didn't say I wasn't free.
Uh, hey, Chandler, why don't we talk this over
at the Ranger game tomorrow?
- Hmm. - Hold on.
You know, I just got a box of Cubans.
Maybe I bring 'em by your office around, uh, five?
Well, that's a little later than I, uh
generally care to stay, but sure.
Maybe before the game we can enjoy some
eight-year-old small batch Basil Hayden's.
Well, I don't really know what that is, but let's!
[instrumental music]
Hey, you guys, I'm writing a holiday song
for everyone. Do you wanna hear it?
- Yeah. - Yes.
Okay.
[clears throat]
♪ Happy Hanukkah Monica ♪
♪ May your Christmas be snowy Joey ♪
♪ Happy New Year Chandler and Ross ♪
♪ Spin the dreidel Rachel ♪♪
- Pheebs, it's great. - Oh, yay.
But you know, uh..
Rachel doesn't rhyme with dreidel.
I know, but it's so hard.
Nothing rhymes with your stupid name.
What are you talking about?
Lots of things rhyme with Rachel.
Bagel, male, jail, bail, cable.
Maypole.
All good. Thanks.
Do you maybe have, like, a nickname
that's easier to rhyme?
Didn't your dad used to call you pumpkin?
- Oh, yeah. - Pumpkin? Yeah?
But did he ever call you, like, boodolph?
Hello, children.
- 'Hey.' - 'Hi.'
Have I got the 50 guys for you!
- Really? - 'Oh, yeah.'
I just showed them this picture of you
and guys were throwing themselves at me.
They're buying me drinks, they're giving me stuff.
- Knicks tonight? - Sure. Where are the seats?
Wherever. I've got, like, 20.
So, will I like any of these guys?
Well, you know what?
I'm going to, uh...I'm gonna
play the field just a little bit more.
Chandler..
Guys are signing over their 401-(k)s to me.
Y-you work with robots?
Yes.
Okay, there is this one guy, Patrick.
I think you're gonna like him. He's really nice.
He's funny, he's a swimmer.
Oh, I like swimmers' bodies.
Oh, yes, and his father invented
that magnetic strip on credit cards.
Oh! I like credit cards.
See? I'm not bad at this fixing-up thing, huh?
Well, so, what does he do?
He works in the fine foods division.
Your company has a fine foods division?
It's a big company.
I don't, if you, I..
Now, wait a second.
You make food and robots?
No.
No, the robots just work for them.
Alright, I'm gonna go to work.
Does anybody have a problem with that?
Yeah, lady, I do.
I got a problem with that.
You want a problem? I'll give you a problem.
Oh, what are you gonna do, you're gonna fire me?
You bet your ass I'm gonna fire you.
- See you later. - Thanks.
[instrumental music]
Oh, wow, I should get going.
I've-I've got a date tonight.
Oh, yeah? With who?
You know that girl I told you about
who lives up in Poughkeepsie?
- Yeah. - Yeah. Not her.
Yeah, this is someone else I met
and, uh, I-I can't decide between the two of them.
You know, the one from Poughkeepsie
even though she's a two-hour train ride away
is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun.
But this other girl..
Well, she lives right uptown.
Well, she's..
Well, she's-she's just as pretty.
I guess she's smart.
She's not fun.
If she's no fun why do you want to date her at all?
Well, I-I wanna give her another chance, you know?
She lives so close.
And, at the end of the date the, the other time
she, she said something that was...if she was kidding
was very funny.
On the other hand, if she wasn't kidding
she's not fun, she's stupid, and kind of a racist.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey, man. - Hey.
Ooh, how was your first day
working at the restaurant?
Damn!
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, what happened to your fancy chef jacket?
They baked it.
I can't take this anymore. I-I-I'm gonna call a meeting.
I'm gonna fire you tonight.
You got it. Oh, oh!
What are you doing?
You're still a tiny bit on fire there.
Oh, gotcha, thanks.
Listen, I think you got it.
[instrumental music]
Chandler, you have the best taste in men.
Well, like father, like son.
Patrick and I had such a great time last night.
I mean, I think this could maybe
turn into something serious.
Really? I-I thought you weren't looking for something serious.
I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling?
Well, you know, possibly.
You didn't...tell him that, though...right?
Well-l-l..
...no.
You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?
- You don't tell the guy that! - Why not?
I'd be thrilled if I heard that some
hot girl was just looking to get..
Oh, I see.
Oh, between you telling him I wanted to have a fling
and me putting out on the first date
oh, he's so gonna get the wrong idea.
Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese?
Yeah.
Listen, uh, I'd prefer it
if you didn't call me Joey.
'Cause since I don't know anyone here
I thought it might be fun to try out
a cool work nickname.
Hey, Dragon.
Here's your tips from Monday and Tuesday.
Oh.
Looks like there's, like, 300 bucks in this one.
Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays.
And it never hurts to wear tight trousers.
Okay.
Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight's specials?
Okay, first, there's a Chilean sea bass
prepared with a mango relish on a bed..
Why is nobody writing these down?
Because we can remember them.
And because you're all gonna make up fake specials
and make me cook 'em like you did the other night?
Well, sure, that too.
Okay. Forget the specials for a minute.
Um, alright, h-here's the thing.
For the last two weeks, I have, uh..
...tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere.
Can't hear you.
A positive atmosphere.
But I-I-I've had it up to here.
From now on, it is going to be my way..
...or the highway, alright?
Does anybody have a problem with that?
Hey, new guy?
I said..
...does anybody have a problem with that?
No, ma'am.
Hey, he has a name. It's Dragon.
You wanna know your name?
Check your hat.
We did the hat, right?
[instrumental music]
- What the hell just happened? - I am so, so sorry.
I-I was gonna do it. Really.
But then I was standing there
with $327 in one hand
and $238 in the other hand
and I was thinking, wow, it's been a long time
since I had... 327 plus $238.
Joey, we had a deal. Th-that's why you're here.
I've got to fire you.
And I've got to pay rent.
Look...h-how-how about this? You don't fire me.
Instead, I stay here, I gain their trust
and then they'll start listening to all the nice things
I've been saying about you.
What kind of things you been saying?
Well, nothing yet. They really hate you.
And I want to fit in.
♪ Happy happy Hanukkah ♪
♪ Chandler and Monica merry merry.. ♪
Ooh, you know, you know what, Pheebs?
What?
I'm not Jewish, so..
So, Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with floss
but you don't hear him complaining, do you? God!
[yells]
What?
Bad dream?
I wasn't sleeping.
Oh, yeah? Then, uh, what was Phoebe's song about?
It's the, the one with the cat.
I got to go. Um..
I got another date.
Oh, so did you pick one yet?
No, it turns out the one from uptown
was making a joke
but it was a different joke than I thought.
It wasn't that funny.
- So I'm still torn. - Well, look, you know.
You don't really like the one from uptown
and you're too exhausted from dating the one in Poughkeepsie
so I say you just end them both, okay?
You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and you break up
with her, and on your way back, you break up with uptown
and then by the time you get home tonight
you're done.
You know what? You're right. Thank you.
Yeah, well, I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague.
- Prague? - So much you don't know.
[instrumental music]
[door slams shut]
[thud]
Chandler, Patrick just, uh
ended things with me.
Did you or did you not tell him
that I was looking for a serious relationship?
I did! I absolutely did!
You idiot!
I'm sure you're right. But why?
You don't tell a guy that you're
looking for a serious relationship.
You don't tell the guy that!
Now you scared him away.
Oh, man. I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
You know, you should never
be allowed to talk to people.
I know! I know!
Uh! See just, and now I'm right back where I started.
Oh, this sucks.
Being alone sucks!
Hey, you know what? You're, you're gonna meet somebody.
'You're a great catch.'
You know, when I was telling all those guys about you
I didn't have to lie once.
- Really? - Yeah.
You graduated magna cumlaude, right?
No.
Ah, it doesn't matter.
You know what? I got two tickets for tonight's Ranger game.
You wanna come with me?
Cute guys in little shorts?
Sure.
Well, actually, it's a hockey team
so it's angry Canadians with no teeth.
Well, that sounds fun too.
- Thank you. - Okay.
Have you ever been with a woman?
What?
Chandler, what is the matter with you?
So there is no good time to ask that question.
[instrumental music]
The station is Poughkeepsie.
Poughkeepsie.
Ross?
Wake up. Ross?
[knocking on window]
Ross, Ross!
Ross! Ross!
I need more swordfish.
Can you get me some more swordfish?
I don't speak English.
You did a minute ago.
Well, I don't know what to tell ya.
Fine.
(Monica) 'Okay, very funny.'
'Somebody let me out, please?'
'Come on, I'm cold!'
[pans clattering]
[laughing]
'And covered in marinara sauce!'
'Come on, let me out!'
You found that handle, did ya?
That's not funny.
Well, that's not true.
[sobbing] I'm a good person. And I'm a good chef.
And I don't deserve to have marinara sauce all over me.
You know what, if you want me to quit this bad
then all you have to--
Hey! Chef Geller.
You know that little speech you made the other day?
Well, I got a problem with it.
- You do? - You bet I do.
I just, uh..
...wasn't listening then, that's all.
Well, if you want a problem..
...I'll give you a problem.
What are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me?
You bet your ass I'm gonna fire you.
Now, get out of my kitchen!
Get out!
Alright.
Anybody else got a problem?
How about you, chuckles?
You think this is funny now?
No.
How about if I dance around all covered in sauce, huh?
You think it's funny now?
No. It's really good.
Good.
Now, take those salads to table four
and, you, get the swordfish.
And, you..
...get a haircut.
[instrumental music]
Last stop, Montreal.
The stop is Montreal.
What?
I made a bet with myself that you had beautiful eyes.
Now that I see them, I win.
What?
We're at my stop..
...but would you like to have coffee?
Are we really in Montreal?
Yes, we are.
So, coffee?
Coffee sounds great.
Wait. So, so you live in Montreal?
Oh, no, but it's just a two-hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia.
[instrumental music]
Well, I guess I should have thought about my wife and kids
before I talked back to Chef Geller.
- Thanks. - Yep.
Looks like it's gonna be a lean Christmas
at the Dragon house this year.
- Enough. - Okay.
Lean, lean, lean.
[instrumental music]
♪ Went to the store sat on Santa's lap ♪
♪ Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap ♪
♪ He said all you need is to write them a song ♪
♪ They haven't heard it yet so don't try to sing along ♪
♪ No don't sing along ♪
♪ Monica Monica ♪
♪ Have a Happy Hanukkah ♪
♪ Saw Santa Claus ♪
♪ He said hello to Ross ♪
♪ And please tell Joey ♪
♪ Christmas will be snowy.. ♪
♪ And Rachel and Chandler ♪
♪ Has a...handler ♪♪
Happy holidays, everybody!
[all clapping]