So I told Carl, nobody
no matter how famous their parents are
nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.
But of course, this went right in one ear..
[thinking] I love how he cares so muchabout stuff.
If I squint, I can pretend he's Alan Alda.
[thinking] Oh, good. Another dinosaurstory.
When are those gonna become extinct?
[thinking] If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible
that would be the best.
[thinking] What does Rachel see in this guy?
I love Rachel.
I wish she was my wife.
♪ Ta tada ta ta da tada ♪
♪ Ta tada ta tada ta ta tuh.. ♪
♪ Ta ta.. ♪♪
[thinking] Who's singing?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job is a joke you're broke your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
♪ These days are ah ah a-a-ah ♪♪
Hey, when you guys were kids
and you played "Happy Days" who were you?
- I was Richie. - I was always Joanie.
Question...was ah, "Egg the Gellers!"
the war cry of your neighborhood?
- Oh, it's The Mattress King! - Whoa..
Don't look, honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
Wait! I want to see this!
After I divorce him half of that kingdom
is gonna be mine!
Despair fills the mattress showroom.
My Kingdom is suddenly without a Queen.
I'm so depressed..
...I'm going to slash
...my prices!
Check it out! $599 for a California king!
$499 for a pillow-top queen set!
I'm going medieval on prices!
What a wank!
Oh, I cannot believe
he's using our divorce to sell mattresses!
I know.
At $499 for a pillow-top queen set
who cares about the divorce?
Those babies will sell themselves!
And I'm appalled for you, by the way.
I'm close! I'm cheap! I'm the King!
[instrumental music]
Okay. Okay, Daddy, we'll see you tomorrow night.
Okay, bye-bye.
- We? - Hm..
Are having dinner with my dad tomorrow night.
I hope that's okay.
Oh, shoot! Tomorrow's not good.
I'm supposed to fall off the Empire State Building
and land on a bicycle with no seat, so..
Ross, my father doesn't hate you.
Please. He refers to me as wet head.
But, honey, he calls everybody by a nickname.
Okay, look, just one dinner.
Please, one night for me. Please?
I just want him to love you like I do.
Alright. Well, not exactly like I do.
But, if you do come to dinner
I'd love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
[chuckles]
I'll go.
- Fine. - Thank you.
Hi, Gunther.
Yeah. We'll see.
- Hey, you guys. - 'Hey.'
- Guess what? - 'What?'
- I got a gig. - Oh..
See, that's why I can never be an actor
because I can't say gig.
Yeah, I can't say croissant.
Oh, my God!
- What's the part? - Well, it's not a part. No.
I'm teaching acting for soap operas
down at the learning extension.
- Come on. That's great. - Yeah, yeah.
It's like, it's like my chance
to give something back to the acting community.
You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep
with any of your students.
I know.
[instrumental music]
I don't know, Monica. It feels funny just being here.
I mean, if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband
that's like betraying Chandler.
Not at these prices.
Hi.
You know, in England
this car would be on the other side of the store.
Whoosh!
Oh.. Oh.. Ah..
Phoebe, come here.
Oh. This is my new bed.
You gotta feel this bad boy.
Monica, it still feels so weird, you know.
Chandler's your friend. Oh..
[gasps]
Oh, my God!
Ohh. Alright, take this bed.
You can make other friends.
[instrumental music]
Good evening.
I am Mr. Tribbiani..
...and I'll be teaching acting for soap operas.
Now, um..
...on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramoray
on "Days of our lives.."
Uh, I learned that one of the most important things
in soap opera acting is re-acting.
This does not mean acting again.
It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did.
And it goes something like this.
[clears throat]
[gasps]
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Oh, before I forget, to work in soap operas
some of you will have to become much more attractive.
Alright. Moving right along.
[instrumental music]
- Hi. - Hey.
Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Oh, it was great!
Yeah, you get to say stuff like
Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you.
I dismiss you.
- Oh. Nice. - 'Yeah.'
Oh, and guess what? I got an audition for all my children.
- Oh, yay! - 'Yeah, it's this great part.'
This boxer named Nick.
I'm so, so right for it, you know.
He's just like me, except, but he's a boxer
and he has an evil twin.
[knock on door]
Oh!
♪ Dum ta da dum ♪
Hear ye, hear ye.
Delivery from The Mattress King.
You Miss Geller?
- Okay. - Sign here.
Oh. Do I have a middle name?
Alright. Monica Faloola..
...Geller.
It's that bedroom there.
Hey, Monica bought a bed from The Mattress King?
Yeah. So, please, please
please don't say anything to Chandler.
You want me to lie to Chandler?
- Is that a problem? - No.
Oh, hey, hey, Nick, the boxer.
Let's see what you got.
Alright, yeah, put them up, come on.
Hey...you're pretty good at this.
Yeah, well, I had to learn. I was staying at the Y
and some of the young men weren't acting Christian enough.
Oh.
Hey, now. Hey!
Ow!
- And I'm bleeding. - Oh. Oh..
Okay, great.
Wow! And I'm the vegetarian.
Alright. Well, I'm sorry.
- We'll put some ice on it. - Okay.
- Put your head back. - Alright.
- I can't see. - Oh, I have you.
Oh, God.
(male #1) 'Which bedroom do you want it in, Miss Geller?'
Oh, it's, ah, it's the compulsively neat one
by the window, okay?
Gotcha.
[instrumental music]
Hi, daddy.
This is where they put us?
What? There was no table available in the kitchen?
- Oh. Hi, daddy. - Hello, baby.
- Do you remember Ross? - Mm-hmm.
Nice to see you again, Dr. Green.
So!
How's the library?
Uh, museum.
What happened to the library?
There never was a library.
I mean, there are libraries.
It's just that I, um..
I've never worked at one.
You know what's really good here?
- The lobster. - Mm..
What do you say? Shall I just order three?
Yeah, if you're really hungry.
It was a joke. I made a joke.
Yeah. Actually, daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster.
What kind of person's allergic to lobster?
I guess, the kind of person that works in a library.
- It's not a li-- - I know. It's a museum.
Why you're the only one around here who can make a joke?
At least my was funny.
Uhh...waiter.
We will have two lobsters and a menu.
[instrumental music]
So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat?
They found rust.
You know what rust does to a boat?
Gives it a nice, antique-y look?
Rust is boat cancer, Ross.
Well, I'm sorry.
When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.
Excuse me, for a moment, will you please?
I want to say goodnight to the levines before we go.
- Okay. - Okay.
Honey, stop. It's not that bad.
Yeah. Oh..
Uh-oh. I think your dad must have added wrong.
He only tipped, like, four percent.
Yeah. That's daddy.
That's daddy?
What? Doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress.
Yes. It bothers me, Ross
but, you know, if he was a regular
at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers.
- So? - So, Ross.
I bugged him a million times. He's not gonna change.
Do you really serve people sneezers?
[clears throat] Well, um, I don't.
Alright, kids, you ready?
Thanks again, Dr. Green.
Wait, wait, wait.
- I think I forgot my receipt. - Oh, you don't need that.
- Why not? - The carbon. It's messy.
I mean, gets on your fingers
and causes the, the.. Uh, night blindness.
What is this?
Who put a 20 there?
- Huh? - Oh, yeah, that would be me.
Um, I have...I have a problem.
I, I tip way too much. Way, way too much.
- It's a sickness, really. - Yeah. It is.
- 'Cause we really have to do-- - Excuse me.
You think I'm cheap?
- Oh, daddy, he didn't mean. - Huh?
He really didn't.
Nothing I do means anything, really.
This is nice.
I pay $200 for dinner, you put down $20
and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot.
You really want to be Mr. Big Shot?
- Oh.. - Yeah, I'll tell you what.
You pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, alright?
Well, Mr. Big Shot is better than wet head.
[instrumental music]
Okay. Some tricks of the trade.
Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor.
So, if I'm in a scene where I have to cry
I cut a hole in my pocket
take a pair of tweezers..
...and just start pulling.
Okay? Or, uh..
Or let's say I want to convey
that I've just done something evil.
That would be your basic
I've got a fishhook in my eyebrow
and I, like..
Hmm? Okay.
Let's say I've just gotten bad news.
Well, all I do there
is try and divide 232 by 13.
And that's how it's done.
Great soap opera acting tonight, everybody.
Class dismissed.
- Hey, Mr. Trib. - Hey.
Guess what? I got an audition!
Oh. One of my students got an audition.
I'm so proud.
I was wondering if you would consider
coaching me for it?
You bet. What's the part?
Oh, it's great. It's a role in "All My Children."
Nick, the boxer.
[dramatic music]
You had to do it, didn't you?
You couldn't just leave it alone.
Four percent, okay?
I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.
Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along.
[groaning]
Would you see my chiropractor already?
Yeah, I'm going to go to a doctor
who went to medical school in a mini-mall.
Hey, Pheebs. What are you doing?
I.. I'm freaking out.
Monica kind of trusted me with something
and she shouldn't have.
Alright, I haven't lived here in a while
so I have to ask you something.
Does Monica still turn the lights on in her bedroom?
Yeah.
I am so dead.
Alright, look, here's the bottom line, Ross.
This is fixable if we act fast, okay?
So, I'll invite him to brunch and you can make nice.
Look, honey, I have tried to make nice.
- It doesn't work. - Okay.
Look, I realize that my father is difficult
but that's why you have got to be
the bigger man here.
Look, sweetie, I could be the bigger man.
I could be the biggest man.
I could be a big, huge, giant man
and it still wouldn't make any difference
except that I could pick your father up
and say, "Like me, like me, tiny doctor."
Okay, well, can't you just try it one more time, Ross?
For me. For me.
Rachel, one brunch is not going to solve anything.
You've got to face it, okay?
We'll never gonna get along.
Okay, well, you are just going to have to, okay?
because I've already got a mother and a father
who cannot stay in the same room together.
I don't want to have a separate room for you too.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll get the bagels.
[instrumental music]
What's this?
Isn't it cool? Vroom! Vroom!
This is not the bed I ordered.
I know. You must have won a contest or something.
[imitating engine revving]
Phoebe.
[imitating tires screeching]
Why is this car in my bedroom?
I'm sorry, okay?
I.. I wasn't looking
and the store said they won't take it back
because you signed for it.
When did I sign for it?
When I was you.
You know what, it's all Joey's fault
because he left his nose open.
Did you make brownies today?
(Chandler) 'Knock, knock.'
Quick, take off your dress.
He won't notice the bed.
Hey, I'm going for sushi.
Does anybody want, uh..
[chuckles]
Whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
It's Monica's bed. What?
Okay.
It's a race car.
So, this has always been Monica's bed.
You're just noticing now?
How self-involved are you?
Okay, well, if this bed isn't new
then how come there's plastic on the mattress?
Sometimes, I have bad dreams.
[instrumental music]
Look..
...I just saw my best friend's brains
smeared across the canvas.
It's not gonna be me.
Not me.
Wow.
That.. That.. That was good. That was..
- Tweezers? - No.
Oh, wow.
- That was really good. - Thanks.
Any suggestions?
Hmm, I..
[ominous music]
You told him to play the boxer gay!
Well, I-I might have said super gay.
You totally screwed him over.
Joey, you're this guy's teacher.
I mean, how could you do this?
Because, Monica, the guy's so good
and I really, really want this part.
Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.
- Hi, daddy. - Baby.
- Ross. - Dr. Green, how are you?
Thanks for dinner last night.
Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Nice hair.
What did you do, swim here?
Okay, that's it. I can't take it anymore.
What? What? He's interested in you.
He likes your hair and he just wants to know how you got here.
Oh, please.
Sweetie, it's hopeless, okay?
- I'm just going to go. - What? Ross..
Look, I'm sorry. It's just--
Ross, what's with the neck?
He's got this thing and I keep telling him
to go to my chiropractor.
You're still going to that chiropractor?
That man couldn't get into med school in Ixtapa.
Yeah, thank you. That's what I keep saying.
Excuse me. Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
- Oh.. - Wait a minute.
His name is Dr. Bobby?
- Well, that's his last name. - And his first name.
He's Bobby Bobby?
[clearing throat] It's Robert Bobby.
Oh-ho.
And um, excuse me. He helps me.
Oh, please. Ask her how.
What do you need help for?
My alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah. Argue with that.
What? It's true. My right leg is two inches shorter.
Come on, you're just tilting.
- Her legs are fine. - I know that.
So why let her go to a chiropractor?
- I'm sorry. Let her? - What can I do?
She doesn't listen to me about Renter's insurance, either.
Wait a minute. You don't have Renter's insurance?
No.
Well, what if somebody steals something?
How you going to run after them with
one leg shorter than the other?
[laughing]
Hey, would you, uh, like some juice?
I'd love some juice, thank you.
Okay.
Wow. This is going so well.
Did you see us? Did you see--
Yeah, honey, I was standing right there.
Why don't you just tell him about the mole
I haven't gotten checked yet?
Excellent.
[instrumental music]
There will come a time in each of your careers
when you'll have a chance
to screw over another soap opera actor.
I had such an opportunity in the recent present.
And I'm ashamed to say that...I took it.
I advised a fellow actor to play a role..
...homosexually.
Yeah.
We both auditioned for the part
and, uh...as it turned out..
...they, uh..
[voice breaking] ...they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him.
'And now..'
...he's got a two year contract opposite..
...Susan Lucci
the first lady of daytime television.
And me..
Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people
most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Thank you.
[instrumental music]
- Uh, may I help you? - Yes, hi.
I talked you on the phone.
I'm the lady who got stuck
with the race car bed.
Look, it's like I told you.
There's nothing I can do.
You signed for it.
"Monica Faloola Geller."
Alright, jester man, we want to see the king.
Nobody sees the king.
Okay, I'm talking to the king.
Hey, you can't go back there.
Ohh...my...God.
[instrumental music]
[imitates engine revving]
Hey! Watch it, lady!
[imitates engine revving]
[imitates tires screeching]
Hey, hey, good-lookin'.
[squeaking]
[imitates engine revving]
Alright, I'll leave.
My bed's so boring.
[theme music]