- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, hey, hey. So what happened?
- Did a forest tick you off? - No.
You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail.
Yeah?
Well, I started building one.
But then, I decided to take it to the next step.
You're building a post office?
No, an entertainment unit
with a mail cubby built right in.
It's a one-day job, max.
Okay.
My word, those are snug.
Oh, yeah. These are my old work pants.
Sergio Valenti.
Power saw kind of got away from me there.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.
- Any sign of your brother? - No, but he's always late.
- You only met him once. - Yeah, I did.
I think it sounds, like, you know, big sister-y.
You know, Frank's always late.
Oh ho. Well, relax, he'll be here.
Yeah. Oh, I know. I'm just nervous.
You know, it's just, you know
mom's dead, don't talk to my sister
grandma's been sleeping a lot lately.
It's just like the last desperate chance
to have a family, you know, kind of thing.
You're so sweet to wait with me.
Actually, Gunther sent me.
You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing.
Mm.
Does anyone else think David Copperfield's cute?
No, but he told me he thinks you're a fox.
Alright, Janice likes him.
In fact, she likes him so much she put him on her, uh..
...freebie list.
Her what?
Well, we have a deal where we each get
to pick five different celebrities
that we can sleep with..
...and the other one can't get mad.
Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship..
...honesty, respect and sex with celebrities.
So, Chandler, who's on your list?
Ah, Kim Basinger, uh, Cindy Crawford
Halle Berry...Yasmine Bleeth.
Oh, boy.
And, uh, Jessica Rabbit.
Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon
and way out of your league?
I know, I know, I just always wondered
if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
First I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list.
Just a game, Mon.
- Rach, how about you? - Oh, I don't know.
I guess...Chris O'Donnell, John F. Kennedy Jr.
Daniel Day-Lewis Sting and Parker Stevenson.
Spider-man?
Hardy boy.
- Peter Parker. - Thank you.
What about you, honey? Who'd be on your list?
I-I don't know.
That-that kind of thing requires some serious thought.
First I'll divide my prospective candidates into categories.
[coughing] What a geek.
Everybody, this is Frank. This is my half-brother, Frank.
- Oh. - This is everybody.
- Hey. - This is Ross.
- Hi. How are you? - Hey.
- Chandler. - Hi.
- Hi, hi. - Joey.
- Hey, hey, hey. - 'Hi, hi.'
- 'This is Monica.' - Whoa.
- And this is Rachel. - Hey.
W-whoa.
I'm gonna get coffee for us.
Hey, how do you guys get anything done?
[chuckles]
We don't really.
Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, we're gonna, like, connect
and, you know, bond and everything.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe we could go down
to Times Square and pick up some ninja stars.
Oh, and my friend, Larry
he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
You know, we really don't take advantage
of living in this city.
I know.
Oh, sorry. Did I get you?
No, you didn't get me.
It's an electric drill.
You get me, you kill me!
Calm down. Do you want this unit or not?
I do not want this unit.
Well, you should have told me that before.
I'm not a mind reader.
Ooh. And we're out of beer. Okay, I'm going to Monica's.
Fine!
Hey. Where you heading in those pants, 1982?
Oh, Monica, listen.
I saw down at the hardware store
they got those designer tiles on sale
if you ever wanna redo your bathroom floor.
What's wrong with my bathroom floor?
Nothing, it's just old and dingy, that's all.
I highly doubt that.
Oh, yeah?
If you, uh, move your hamper
you can see the color the tile used to be.
[gasping] Yeah.
I can't live like this. Wh-what am I gonna do?
- What are we gonna do? - Relax, relax. Here, hold this.
This old stuff comes right up. I'll show you.
A little more than I wanted to see.
Oh!
Look at that. Every inch of this is glued down.
It'd take forever to pry this up.
You should, uh, you should just leave it.
[scoffs]
I can't leave it.
You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
Uh..
- Yeah, there you go. - Aw!
Yeah, that's nice.
We can put it back there after the surgeons
remove it from your colon.
[instrumental music]
- Ooh! Ooh! - What?
Yeah, I know what I wanted to ask you.
Um, can you roll your tongue?
'Cause.. 'Cause I can, and my mom couldn't
and I thought, you know I figured
that was something I got from our dad.
Well, wait, you mean like this?
Yeah. Yeah, you can do it too. Yeah.
[chuckles]
You're not doing it.
Oh, right. Okay, yeah. My mom could and I can't.
We don't have that.
- When's your birthday? - February 16th.
I know a guy who's the 18th.
That's close.
When's yours?
October 25th.
That's the same month as Halloween.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
So, um, what kind of things do you like to do at home?
Melt stuff.
[instrumental music]
Okay, I've got three of my five.
Three of your five what?
Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.
Oh, my God, you are giving this a lot of thought.
Hey, it's hard, okay? I only have two spots left.
Alright, who you got it narrowed down to?
Okay
[clears throat] Elizabeth Hurley.
- Ooh, very attractive. - Yeah.
Forgiving.
Susan Sarandon.
Eh, You know what? She's too political.
She probably wouldn't let you do it
unless you donated four cans of food first.
[chuckles]
And Isabella Rossellini.
- Ooh! - Ooh, very hot, very sexy.
But, uh...you know, she's too international.
You know, she's never gonna be around.
- So? - So, you gotta play the odds.
Pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time.
Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rossellini
geography.
[instrumental music]
Okay, so, by melting you meant melting.
Yeah.
So, is it like art?
Yeah, you can melt art.
Hey, can I use your phone?
Hm. Yeah, sure.
Why, you wanna call your mom?
No, I wanna melt it.
Oh, well, um, not right now.
[chuckles]
You know what? I think I'm just gonna go to bed.
I think the fumes are giving me a headache. So..
[chuckles] Yeah, yeah.
Goodnight...bro.
Goodnight.
Here.
Just in case.
Oh, excellent.
[Frank grunting]
What kind of karate is that?
No kind.
- He just makes it up. - Oh.
So, how's it going with you guys?
So far it kind of blows.
I don't know, I just thought, you know
that he'd feel more like a brother.
You know, like you and Ross just like close and connected..
Honey, we're close now but you wouldn't believe
the years of noogies and wedgies
and flying wedgies and atomic wedgies and..
That's when the waistband actually goes over your head.
Ah.
We used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.
Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
- I just asked you. - I just asked you.
I don't have time for this.
No, that is what the game is.
You just gave up really quickly.
- You seen Joey? - What's the matter?
Oh, just...this!
You know what, it's my fault really
because the couch is where we usually keep the varnish.
(Joey) 'Hey, somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles?'
- What's going on? - He's re-tiling my floor.
Yo! Spackle boy.
- Get up. - Ah-ah!
No, you started this, you will finish it.
He started mine first.
Build the unit, Cinderelly, lay the tiles, Cinderelly.
(Frank) 'Whoa.'
Big octopus.
Yeah.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Oh, my God, I totally forgot.
Well, can't someone else do it?
But I have company.
Yeah, no, that-that's alright. I'll come in.
Okay.
Um, Frank, I'm really sorry, but I have to go into work.
It's, it's one of my regulars
and he's insisting that I do him, so..
Hey, what kind of work do you do?
Oh! I'm a masseuse.
I give people massages and stuff.
You-you work at one of those massage parlors?
Well, you know, we don't call it that, but yeah.
[laughing]
That's wild.
No, I had no idea.
Alrighty.
I'll be back in a little bit.
Unless, you wanna come with me.
You mean, like watch?
No, no. You can get one yourself.
It'll be on the house, you know
what are big sisters for?
I don't think this, you know.
No, no, no. I wouldn't do you myself.
I mean, that would be weird.
Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it.
Oh! This is so much fun. Yay!
- Are you excited? - Yeah.
Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?
[instrumental music]
It's beautiful.
It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was.
Whoa!
What are you going in there for?
You want like a number?
- Hey. - Hi. Bye.
Hey.
Okay, I'm done with my choices.
These are final.
Well, it's about time.
- Yeah, very official. - Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, Chandler printed it up on his computer.
And who laminated it?
That was me.
Alright, let me see.
Huh, "Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder
"Elizabeth Hurley, Michelle Pfeiffer..
...Dorothy Hamill?"
Hey, it's my list.
Okay, honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.
[instrumental music]
(Frank) 'Ow, ow, ow!'
Ow, ow, ow.
- Ow, you know, ow.. - Hey, hey what's going on?
- She broke my arm. - He touched my fanny.
- No. She touched mine first. - That's my job.
So, wait, what's the deal here?
I can have sex with you, but I can't touch you?
- Eww! - Eww!
You can't have sex with her.
What did you think I was, a hooker?
No, okay, I know you're a masseuse.
It's cool. I'm not a cop.
Hey, J-Jasmine, can you.. Can you ask Mr. Wiffler
if he can wait for like five minutes?
Fine.
I don't like you.
So, that's what you thought I did?
God!
That's not what I do!
Well, that-that..
...well, that's not what you do?
No!
- Huh. Why would you think that? - I don't know.
I mean, you know, this is the city, you know?
I just, I mean, I..
I don't know.
Whatever.
It's the perfect end
to the perfect weekend, anyway.
Oh. wait. No, you're right.
No, it was perfect, uh..
...I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad.
You really thought it was perfect?
Well, no, maybe, maybe it wasn't perfect
but, you know, it was pretty cool, you know.
'Cause we had all those great talks, you know?
Yeah. Um, which ones in particular were great for you?
Well, you know about the tongue thing, you know
and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes.
I don't..
How I like to melt stuff
and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt?
Right. Okay. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you know, 'cause I feel like I can really talk to you
'cause, you know, you're my sister.
You know?
Yeah. I guess I do. Yeah.
And then I go feel your friend up
and make you mad at me.
Well, I wasn't hopping mad, you know..
You hopped a little bit.
Yeah, I'm really sorry, I'm really.
Well, okay.
[chuckles]
Alright, well this is my favorite part of the weekend.
Right now. This.
- This? - Uh-huh.
Oh, come on. We went to.. We went to Times Square.
We.. We found ninja stars.
I-I almost get my arm broken by a hooker--
She's not a hooker.
Well, when I tell my friends about her, she will be.
[instrumental music]
Okay. On three.
One, two--
Why don't we just go on two?
Why two?
Because it's faster.
Yeah, I could've counted to three four times
without all this two talk.
Alright, but in the future--
Okay, okay. Heavy thing, not getting lighter.
Okay. One, two--
So we are going with two--
(together) Oh! Alright.
A good job, Joe.
Wow.
It's big.
Yeah. So big, that it actually makes our doors look smaller.
Maybe my ruler's wrong.
Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Look, It's not that bad. So what?
It blocks a little of your door a little of my door.
Yeah, you know what? I got a better idea.
How about it blocks none of my door
and a lot of your door?
Okay. Listen, before I forget that side is still wet.
[instrumental music]
Okay, sir let me just see if I've got this right.
Uh, so this is a half caf, double tall easy hazelnut
non-fat, no foam, with whip
extra hot latte, right?
Okay. Great.
You freak.
Thank you.
Coffee to go, please.
[mouthing]
- Isabella Rossellini! There. - Are you serious?
Oh, my God.
Damn, I cannot believe I took her off my list.
Why? 'Cause otherwise, you'd go for it?
[laughs]
Yeah. Maybe.
Oh-ho! You lie.
What, you don't think I'd go up to her?
Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.
Yeah? Well, missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.
You know what, honey? You go ahead.
We'll call her an alternate.
- Okay. - Alright.
- Hold my cruller. - Okay.
Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rossellini.
I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.
Hi.
Hi-i.
I'm Ross.
Um, you don't know me
but I'm, I'm a big, big fan of yours.
I mean, um, uh, "Blue Velvet," whoo!
I was wondering if I could maybe buy you
a, um, cup of coffee.
Or...reimburse you for that one.
[laughs]
Aren't you with that girl over there?
Well, yeah. Kinda. Um, but that's okay.
See, we have an understanding.
Um, see, we each have this list
of five famous people, and you were one of mine.
So I'm allowed to sleep with you.
No, no, no. It's flattering.
Whoa!
- I don't know.. - W-wait, wait. Isabella..
[chuckles]
Don't-don't just dismiss this so fast.
I mean, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Yeah, for you.
- Is that the list? - Um, yes.
- Can I see it? - Um, no.
- Come on. - But, okay..
I'm not in the list.
Um, see, but that's not the final draft.
It's laminated.
Yeah. Um, okay, so you were, you were on my list
but then my friend Chandler..
brought up the very good point
that you are international.
So I bumped you for Wynona Ryder. Local.
You know, it's ironic.
Because I have a list
of five goofy coffeehouse guys
and yesterday I just bumped you
for that guy over there.
We're just gonna be friends.
[instrumental music]
- You know what? - Hm?
Bet you I could fit in there.
I got five bucks says you can't.
Get out your checkbook, mister.
Oh, I think I have the cash.
(Joey) 'You are dogged, man.'
'I totally fit.'
Yeah. You got me.
I'm out five big ones.
There you go.
'Thank you. Cha-ching!'
'Oh, hello, Mr. Lincoln!'
'Better luck next time, buddy'
'and the drinks are on me.'
[theme music]