[springs creaking]
(Joey) 'Whoa!'
[thud]
See, Joe, that's why your parents told you
not to jump on the bed.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Hey, look at me. I'm making jam.
I've been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.
Where did you get fruit at 4:00 in the morning?
Went down to the docks.
Hey, bet you didn't know you can get it wholesale.
I didn't know there were docks.
[knock on door]
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, is it broken?
No, I-I gotta wear this thing for a couple of weeks.
Did you tell the doctor you did it
jumpin' up and down on your bed?
No, I had a whole story worked out, but then, uh..
- Chandler sold me out. - Well, I'm sorry, Joe.
I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy
that it just fell out of the socket.
What is this? Fruit?
- Ahem, Monica's making jam. - Whoa, jam? I love jam.
Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Because the kids need new shoes.
Goin' into business, people.
I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard.
I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man.
And what's the opposite of man? Jam.
Oh, Joey, don't. It's way too hot.
[gasps]
This will just be my batch, alright?
[instrumental music]
Um, that's it, no. Hey, you, J. Crew guy.
Yeah, why have you been following me?
I mean, all week long, everywhere I look, there's you.
You wouldn't return my calls.
- You sent back my letters. - What?
One more chance, Ursula, please.
Oh, oh!
- Oh, well, this is awkward. - What?
Um, yeah, 'cause you want Ursula and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters.
Seriously.
Oh, that's great.
I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus.
Oh, you're not a dingus.
I just, I w-w-want you to know
I didn't used to be like this.
Before I met your sister I was like this normal guy
who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Well..
I mean, look, it's..
It's not your fault, you know.
I mean, this is just..
This is what she does to guys, okay?
Just..
Well, thanks.
Wait, you know what? I got a little story.
When I was in junior high school, I went through
this period where I thought I was a witch.
And there was this guidance counselor
who said something to me that I think will help you a lot.
He said, "Okay, you're not a witch.
You're just an average student."
- You see what I'm saying? - Not really.
Um, well, get over it.
So I mean, you just, you seem like a-a really nice guy.
You know, I just..
Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?
Wait, you're right. I know you're right.
And thanks for being so nice.
- Here. - Oh. Thanks a lot.
Do you wanna get a cup of coffee, or..
- Yeah, okay. - Okay.
You don't have to walk behind me anymore.
Sorry.
- Mon? - Mon?
"Gone for more jars. Back later, Monica Geller."
- Wait a minute. Look. - What?
- Look, look, look. - What, what, what?
- It's an empty apartment. - Oh!
We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Oh, honey, come on.
I have to be at work in like ten minutes and, oh!
Alright, well, it's not like
I'm employee of the year or anything.
[gasps]
- There it is. - Oh!
Oh, that's what you're talking about. Oh.
- Hey. - Hey.
Do I look fat?
(together) No.
Okay. I accept that.
When Janice asked me, and I said no
she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
Okay, walk us through it, honey. Walk us through it.
Okay, well, Janice said, uh, "Hi, do I look fat today?"
- And I-I looked at her. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You looked at her?
- You never look. - Mm-hmm.
You just answer. It's like a reflex.
Do I look fat? No.
Is she prettier than I am? No.
- Does size matter? - No.
And it works both ways.
Okay, so you both just know this stuff?
You know, after about 30 or 40 fights, you kinda catch on.
Okay. For instance.
[clears throat] Let's say.
Janice is coming back from a trip
and she gives you two options.
Option number one, she'll take a cab
home from the airport, or option number two
you can meet her at baggage claim.
- What do you do? - That's easy. Baggage claim.
[imitates buzzer] Wrong. Now you're single.
It's actually secret option number three.
You meet her at the gate.
That way, she knows you love her.
Okay, this is good. This is good.
Alright. Listen. I have one.
Janice likes to cuddle at night.
Which, you know, I'm all for
but, uh, you know, when you wanna go to sleep
you want some space.
So, uh, you know how do I tell her that without, you know
accidentally calling her fat or something?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. We can't help you there.
'Cause we're cuddly sleepers.
- Okay, I'm late for work. - Oh!
Alright, are you guys gonna come down?
Uh, yeah, yeah, I'll, I'm right behind you.
- Okay, good luck, Chandler. - 'Thank you, Rachel.'
- 'Bye, sweetie.' - Bye, honey.
Okay, the sleeping thing.
Very tricky business but there is something you can do.
What, I thought you guys were cuddly sleepe--
No.
No, not cuddly. Not me, just her.
I'm like you. I need the room.
[clears throat] Okay, come here.
[clears throat]
Okay. You're in bed.
Yeah.
- I'm gonna use the cushion. - Yeah, here.
Okay. You're in bed.
She's over on your side cuddling.
Now you wait for her to drift off
and then you hug her and roll her
over to her side of the bed
and then you..
...roll away.
Hug for her..
...roll for you.
- Okay. The old hug and roll. - Yeah.
- Okay. One question. - Shoot.
You're pretending the pillow's a girl, right?
Remember when you were a kid and..
...your mom would drop you off at the movies
with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
You're so pretty.
- Hi. - Hey, Phoebe.
Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me?
I talked to him today.
You talked to him?
Are you crazy?
Okay, first, I'm not crazy and second, say it, don't spray it.
Sorry.
Anyway, his name is Malcolm
and he wasn't following me.
I mean, he was, but just 'cause he thought I was Ursula. Urgh!
'And..'
That's why, that's why he couldn't
just come up and talk to me.
'Cause of the restraining order.
Hmm, not feeling better about Malcolm.
Oh!
No, no, no, he's not like a kook, no.
He's just-just, like very passionate
incredibly romantic guy that just got, like
a teensy bit carried away, you know
and we just get along really well and he is so cute.
Oh, my God.
You've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
No, I'm just gonna help him you know, get de-Ursula-ized
like, you know, like I did for Joey
after he went out with her.
Well, but I didn't stalk her, I mean..
I asked for the news, not the weather.
- Hey, guys. - 'Hey, Mon.'
- 'Hi, Mon.' - 'Hey, Mon.'
Joey.
This is for you. It's blackberry currant.
Oh!
- Oh! - Oh, yeah.
Okay, Joe, I gotta ask.
The girl from the Xerox place, buck naked
or-or a big tub of jam?
Put your hands together.
Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.
No more jam?
Well, what happened to your jam plan?
Oh, I figured out I need to charge 17 bucks a jar
just to break even so I've got a new plan now.
Babies.
Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about me having a baby.
- 'What?' - Are you serious?
Yeah, the great thing about the jam plan was
I was taking control of my life so I asked myself
what is the most important thing to me in the world?
And that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Well, aren't you forgetting something?
What-what is, uh, what is that guy's name?
Dad?
Look, it took me 28 years to find one man
that I wanna spend my life with.
If I have to wait another 28 years
then I'll be 56 before I can have a baby
and that's just stupid.
Th-that's what's stupid?
I don't need an actual man.
Just a couple of his best swimmers.
You know, and there are places that you can go
to get that...stuff.
Down to the docks again?
[siren blaring]
Mm, night night, Bing-a-ling.
Night night...Janice.
(Chandler) Look at all that room on her side.
You could fit a giant penguin over there.
That would be weird though.
Okay.
Hug-and-roll time.
I'm hugging. I'm hugging.
You're rolling and..
Yes, freedom.
Yeah, except for this arm.
Arm stuck. Stuck arm.
Okay, time for the old tablecloth trick.
One fluid motion, quick like a cat, quick like a cat.
And one...two..
...three.
And here's my binoculars.
Oh, great, great.
You're doing great, you know?
Real strong, going strong.
Keep going.
These are my night vision goggles.
Oh!
This is the book I pretend to read
when I'm watching her in the park.
And these are "Mad Libs."
- They're just for fun. - Oh, yeah.
- What's this? - Oh!
This is the log I kept
recording her every movement.
You wanna hear something from it?
Um, not even a little bit.
It's about you.
Oh, okay then.
"I met Phoebe today.
"She is really nice to me
even though I'm such a loser."
Oh!
"And then, when I was walking home
"I thought about her a lot.
It was weird, but kind of cool."
Good.
So what were you thinking?
I was thinking what it'd be like to kiss you.
Really?
- No. - Oh!
See, that's just somethin' I said now
so that maybe I could kiss you.
Oh, okay.
No, that's alright. I just had a jar of mustard.
Okay, sperm donor number 03815.
Come on down!
Hey, he's 6'2, 170 pounds
and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
You mean there's more than one of us?
You can't do this, Mon, alright.
If you do this, I'm-I'm gonna, I'm-I'm--
- You're gonna what? - I'm gonna tell mom.
Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right.
- I love you, but you're crazy. - Crazy.
What? Why? Why is this crazy?
So this isn't the ideal way to do something--
- Oh, it's not the ideal-- - Lips moving, still talking.
They may not be ideal, but..
...I'm so ready.
You know, I-I see the way Ben looks at you.
I-it makes me ache, you know?
Check it out, jam crackers, I mean..
Okay, alright, how's this?
"Twenty seven, Italian-American guy.
He is an actor, born in Queens.
Wow, big family.
Seven sisters, and he's the only..
...boy.
Oh, my God, under personal comments
"New York Knicks rule."
Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Joey, this is you.
Let me see.
Oh, right, yeah.
When did you go to a sperm bank?
Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU.
Hey, remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
And that's how you bought it?
No, that's what I was wearing when I donated.
I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left.
Well, honey, it is pretty competitive.
I mean, I've got an actual rocket scientist here.
Hey, maybe I should call this place and get 'em
to put my "Days Of Our Lives" gig on here.
You know, juice this puppy up a little.
- 'Hey.' - Hello.
- 'How's the maniac?' - Oh, he's yummy.
We did a little kissin', ah!
Phoebe, what are you doing?
Oh, no, no, no, you know what?
He's not into that stuff anymore.
He quit for me, hmm.
Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed
with your sister for God knows how long, okay?
You don't just give up somethin' like that.
Look, he gave me his night vision goggles
and everything so..
You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
What? He's not still following her.
You think he's still following her?
Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
What are you saying I should do?
I think that if you really like this guy
you should just trust him.
Thank you, Monica.
Or you could follow him and see where he goes.
Oh, that's what I would do. Forget mine.
(Rachel) Oh, my God! What happened?
Oh, God, crazy Chandler.
He spun me off the bed.
Wow! Spinning.
That sounds like fun.
Oh! Ha ha ha. I wish.
No, you know, he was just trying of Ross' hug-and-roll thing.
Ross' what?
You know like, where he hugs you
and then he kinda rolls you away and..
Oh, my God!
[train chugging]
[dramatic music]
- Phoebe? - Yes? Yes! Oh!
What are you doing?
Oh, I was just here
looking for my, um
my part of an old sandwich.
Here it is! Oh!
Were you following me?
Um, perhaps.
Yes, yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
So you spied on me?
I can't believe you don't trust me.
Oh, well, what do you know?
There goes my identical twin sister
just walking along lookin' like me!
What is this, just like a freakish coincidence
or did you know that she takes this train?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I tried to stop, but I couldn't.
I'm so pathetic.
No, no. It's not your fault, you know.
It's partly my fault
'cause I made you quit cold turkey.
It's too hard, you know?
Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore
'cause you're, you know, like, wow.
But, um, but I will definitely
definitely help you get over my sister, okay?
Just stalk me for a while, huh?
Yeah, and-and-and I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Well, I don't know.
Yeah. Just, okay, look, I'm going.
Um, come on.
Oop, oop, behind the pillar.
Ooh, which way am I gonna go?
Ah-h.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Where you goin'? - To the bank.
Sperm or regular?
Sperm.
So you're really doin' it, huh?
Oh, yeah, picked a guy, 37135.
- He sounds nice. - I'd say so.
He's got brown hair and green eyes.
- No kidding. Hmm. - What?
Well, I-I figured you would have picked a blond guy.
Really? Why?
I don't know, I always pictured you endin' up
with one of those tall, smart, blond guys
named like Hoyt.
- Hoyt? - It's a name, yeah.
I saw you in this, you know, this great house
with a big pool..
Yeah? Is he a swimmer?
[chuckles]
He's got the body for it.
Ooh, I like that.
What?
You guys have one of those signs that says
"We don't swim in your toilet
so don't pee in our pool," you know?
We do not have one of those signs.
Sure you do. It was a gift from me.
Oh! And you have these three great kids.
Yeah, two girls and a boy?
Yeah.
And-and they wear those, like, little water wings
you know, and they're-they're running around on the deck
and then, Hoyt wraps this big towel
around all three of them.
Sure.
Uh, but, hey, you know this way sounds good too.
Yeah.
Oh, Monica.
Wow! This guy's an astronaut?
That would have been cool.
For like a day.
I called the sperm bank today.
They haven't sold a single unit of Tribbiani.
Nobody wants my product.
I-I mean, I don't, I don't get it, you know?
'I mean..'
Maybe if they met me in person.
Honey, you got a little thing on your..
Oh!
- Here? - 'Yeah.'
Get it?
Yeah.
Hello.
Hey.
Uh, Chan, could I, uh
could I talk to you for a second?
- Sure. What's up? - Uh..
Just one, uh, one additional relationship thought, um
something you're probably, uh, already familiar with.
Uh, women talk.