Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold?
I was supposed to call my dad back like, two hours ago.
Oh, yeah, he clicked on.
He said call him as soon as you get a chance.
- He's at Flimby's. - What's Flimby's?
Oh, yeah, that's the word I use
when I can't remember the real thing.
Okay, hang up. That's it. Come on.
No, Rachel, that's what they want me to do.
My warranty expires tomorrow.
If I don't get through, they're not gonna fix
my crappy, broken phone for free.
We cannot let them win. It's us versus them.
Yes.
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
Uh, listen, I've got to double check for tickets tonight.
- Who, who got what? - I have one.
- I need two.
I'm bringing Pete...my boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend now.
Two it is. Ross, how about you?
Uh, yeah, I, uh, I also need two.
Really? Who's number two?
Whose number two?
One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
Uh, no, it's just, just this person.
Like a date type of person?
Yeah, kind of.
Uh, it's this woman from work.
I hope that won't be too weird.
Will it, Rach?
N-No. No, not at all.
No, no, no, I was actually going to bring someone myself, so..
But you said one ticket.
I meant, "Me plus one."
Okay, did, uh, you guys mean "You plus one?"
Alright, I'll see you tonight.
- Okay. - Okay, bye-bye.
- 'Bye.' - 'Bye-bye.'
Okay, I need a date.
Oh, hey! You guys are finally going to get to meet Kate.
Yeah, and I, uh, borrowed some of your cologne.
- I...hope she likes it. - Joey, what are you doing?
This is never gonna happen. She's seeing somebody.
Yeah, and I don't have any cologne.
Green bottle next to the shaving cream.
Oh, worm medicine for the duck.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Here you go. You can wear this.
- Thanks. Okay. - Uh-huh.
Oh, I'm setting the phone down.
But I'm still here.
Just don't go anywhere. I'm still here.
Don't, don't switch or anything, 'cause I'm, I'm right here.
Just one sec.
One sec. One second!
Wait, one second, just..
- Phoebe? - What, Monica? I'm scared!
Honey, honey, that's, that's a sleeve, okay?
And we also have a speakerphone.
(female #1) 'Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us.'
Anyway you've gotta hang up. 'Cause we're gonna be late.
(female #1) 'Thank you for your patience.'
'You're the next caller.'
Yes! Yes! I'm the next caller!
You were gonna have me hang up.
Hey.
Can you take a duck and a chick to the theater?
- Of course not. - No.
Okay, I just wanted them
to hear it from somebody else.
- Hey. Hey, Rach. - Oh, hi. How are you?
- Good. - Hey.
So, it looks like we're the first ones here.
Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Whoo!
Yay!
Um. Oh-uh, Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.
- Hey. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- This is Cailin. - Cailin, this is..
- Hi. - Sorry.
And break.
[laughing]
Okay. Uh, I think I'm gonna run to the ladies room.
- Okay. - I'll join you.
- I'll just, I'll get our seats. - Okay.
- Thank you. - Okay.
So, uh, well, this is, this is, uh, this is awkward.
- Yeah? - Well, you know.
'Cause Rachel and I used to go out.
Oh, I didn't, I didn't know that.
Oh.
Well, then, this is awkward.
- So what do you.. - I think we're here.
- Oh. Yeah. Okay. - Yeah.
Uh. Huh.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
I-I think you may be in our seats.
Um, no, I don't think so.
Could, could we take a look at your ticket?
Sure.
Yep, yeah, you see, this says D-13 and uh--
- Oh, well, I thought that-- - You thought, huh?
Yeah, well, that didn't really work out too well for you
did you, idiot!
What are you a moron, huh?
It says D-13! okay?
Look, you're surrounded by even numbers!
Does that give you some clue?
Uh, the usher told us--
Oh! Oh! The usher must be right!
What, with all the training they go through!
Get out!
Here!
- Hey, man, you want the aisle? - No, I'm good.
[indistinct chatter]
- There he is. - There's our star.
[cheering]
- So, so, what'd you think? - Oh, man.
Almost as good as the play
with the two naked girls on the see-saw.
- Uh, uh, I wasn't in that. - I know.
- Well, oh, hey, hey, Kate. - Yeah.
Listen, I want you to meet everybody.
Everybody, this is Kate.
- Hi. - Excuse me, excuse me.
- Sweetheart. - Hi.
Come.
So, that's the girl you like.
I'm telling you this guy Rachel is with is crazy, okay?
He viciously screamed at total strangers.
I think he's bad news.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don't like the guy
Rachel's dating?
Well, that's odd.
Oh, hey, Lauren.
Uh, you guys, this is, this is
Kate's understudy, Lauren.
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
Hey, gosh, you look so familiar.
Oh, yeah. I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building.
It was right after I slept with Joey.
He dumped me the next day.
So, how'd you guys meet?
Well, uh, the short version
is I, uh, pursued her for a couple of months
then I gave her a check for $20,000
and she was mine.
Yeah, and in the long version
I dump him for telling people the short version.
Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous.
Hey, you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.
How do you do?
Oh, you two girls were outstanding.
Do they have representation?
No, they, they weren't in the play.
- We're not actors. - Oh, what a shame.
Because with her face, and her chest
I could really put something together.
Could I borrow it?
Hi. Remember me?
- Hi. - Yeah.
Tommy's in line for the bathroom
and someone just cut in front of him.
I think he's gonna snap.
Ross, I'm gonna go.
- Go? Why? - I don't know.
Could be because, I don't feel like standing around all night
waiting for some guy who may or may not scream.
But Cailin, he definitely will scream.
- Goodbye, Ross. - Uh, uh. Alright.
[clearing throat]
Here we go, people.
[mumbling]
[clearing throat]
"Boxing Day."
"The Lucille Lortel Theater," bada bada bada, a-ha!
"Joey Tribbiani...gives an uneven performance.
"But Mr. Tribbiani is not the worst thing
in this production."
Yes!
"Kate Miller's awkward and mannered portrayal
is laughable."
Bada bada bada, a-ha! Here it is.
"The direction
by Marshall Townend is.."
Thank you, boys and girls.
You've ruined my life.
Please, stuff your talentless faces
with my mother's crab cakes!
Excuse me!
[door closing]
Does anyone mind if I save this?
- Hey. - Hi.
- Oh, is the play over? - Yeah. Where were you?
(female #1) 'Thank you for your patience. You're the next caller.'
You were the next caller five hours ago.
You must be going crazy.
Nah, I kept myself busy.
Oh, okay, yeah, I put your stuff in her room
and her stuff in your room.
Hey.
You okay?
Fabulous.
Listen, drama critics, they're nothing
but, but people who couldn't make it as actors.
- You know what you should do? - Become a drama critic.
[door opening]
I am hurt!
"A plague on both your houses."
By the way, he dumped me tonight
after he read my review.
Oh, classy.
Yep.
I sure know how to pick 'em, huh?
You know, I gave up a part on a soap for this?
Wow.
Yeah, I, uh, I gave up a job, too.
Really? What?
Uh, declawing cats.
Hey, tell you what?
Let me walk you home.
We'll stop by every newsstand
and burn ever copy of their Times and The Post.
- Why The Post? - Oh, you didn't see The Post?
- No. You? - No. Why?
[laughing]
You really think these newspapers
are just jealous of me?
Absolutely.
You're talented and you're good-looking.
Oh, you're sweet and cute.
I know. That's why they trashed me.
Hmm.
- Whoa, wait, wait a minute. - What?
[sighing] I don't get you.
I mean, first, you hate me
then, you sleep with me
then, you want nothin' to do with me
now, you want me again?
What? So, you've never went out with an actress before?
Kate, do you even like me?
Of course I do.
Well, so, how come you blew me off?
You know, how come you were with him?
I don't know.
I just, I just do this.
I-I always have to pick
like, the smartest guy or, or the most talented guy, I just..
Why can't I just pick someone like you?
Thanks.
You know what I mean.
I mean, like, the sweetest guy.
Joey, you're just so..
You're so..
So..
Okay, okay, okay.
There we go. Let's get your feet up.
Good night, Kate.
Sweet dreams.
I'm going to put this can right here
in case you have to hurl.
(female #1) 'Please, stay on the line.'
'Your call is very important to us.'
Pheebs, you've been up for 24 hours.
Go to sleep, honey. That, this isn't healthy.
No. No, I'm fine.
And you know why?
'Cause of all the riboflavin.
- Hey. - Hey.
Didn't you have that outfit on last night?
Yeah. I stayed at Kate's, but, uh, nothing happened.
Hey, Pheebs, where were you?
I'm so, so sorry, Joey.
I am definitely gonna see your play.
I swear, your play is very important to us.
Thank you for your patience.
Your play is the next play I'm going to see.
- Anyway, how'd it go with Kate? - Oh, it was great.
Yeah, I, I walked her home and it was amazing
how much we...connected, you know?
Then, uh, then she passed out.
But then she woke up.
Yeah, and we stayed up all night talking
and now, we're like, totally crazy about each other.
Joey, you had the night.
What?
When two people finally realize
their feelings for each other and-and they talk for hours
and they, and they learn all about the other person.
You, you think?
Did you like, learn about her family?
- Two brothers, one died. - Yes!
- Yeah. - Oh!
This is from the woman at the bar.
[chuckling] - Oh.
Sorry. She thought you were somebody else.
What time is it?
- 1:00. - 1:00.
7:15.
Watch doesn't work.
Tommy's supposed to be here soon.
We're going to lunch.
Look...look, I wasn't gonna say anything to you
but...alright..
...I don't think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.
- You don't? - No.
The guy is mean. I mean, really mean.
I think you should stay away from him.
Hmm, or maybe, I should stay away from all men.
No. It's not just because I'm jealous.
I mean, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not jealous.
Okay, it's...look, the guy, he screamed.
He actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.
Yeah, and at the end of the play, he..
...he got up, you know, and he just started like..
...banging his hands together.
Okay, fine, fine. You don't wanna believe me?
- No, that's fine. - We're kidding.
Ross? Ross?
Fine, no one believe me. I'm Mr. Funny to you.
- Mr. Funny-- - Whoa!
Oh, sorry, Tommy.
What's in the cup, Ross?
- Um-- - What is in the cup?
- Okay, it's coffee. - Iced coffee?
Tell me it's iced coffee.
- It's, it's hot. - Hot coffee!
You idiot!
You're gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?
What are you, just some big, dumb, stupid, doofie idiot
with a doofie-idiot hairdo, huh?
Huh?
What's your favorite thing about summer time?
Hmm, going to the beach.
- When it stays light real late. - Yeah.
- Hey. - Tommy.
Say, what's your favorite thing about summer?
Ooh, I don't know.
Probably the uh, smell of freshly-cut grass.
- Oh, that's a good one. - Yeah.
Hey, sorry. Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late.
My duck and my chick had a fight.
It was, it was ugly.
Look, we held the curtain for you, buddy.
- Come on, let's go. Let's go. - Okay.
[doorbell ringing]
Vic, where have you been, baby?
- Where's Kate? - She got a job in LA.
What?
I've been waiting up all night for you.
Where have you been?
Where have you been, Vic?
Oh, uh, go to the window.
I want to run down to the truck
and show you something.
What have you got down there, Vic?
What have you got under that tarp?
[coat hanger rattling]
- When is she leaving? - Tonight.
What are you doing?
I'm comin' up.
Hey, do you mind if I use the phone?
Oh, I, but I, and I have..
[mumbling]
Why don't you use ours across the hall
because she, has problems.
Thanks.
Whoa! Whoa!
Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.
- Yeah, but you didn't. - Yeah.
No, but it's, it's, it's, it's hot.
Ross, would you just stop it? It's getting really old.
I can't believe no one believes me.
I do. I believe you.
Yeah. You do, Pheebs?
Yeah, but I also believed her
when she said I was next.
Ooh, hey.
Hey, there, little fella.
Mr. Fuzzy Man, how you doin'?
Oh. Ooh! Eww!
Oh! Eww!
Gross.
Idiot!
Stupid, little, fuzzy, yellow creature!
Oh, look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick
who's disgusting!
God, you're so stupid! How are you not yet extinct?
[quacking]
Quack, quack! Quack, quack!
What are you quacking about?
[door opening]
Dumb Donald Dodo!
Step away from the duck.
Ooh, I'm sorry, little Mr. Chickadee.
Sorry with doody in my hand!
Well, I guess we're not going out anymore.
Man!
- Joey. - Kate.
I'm so glad I caught you. I couldn't find you before.
Well, w-what's going on? W-What's all this about LA?
They still want me for "General Hospital."
But, well, w-what about us?
Last night was wonderful..
...but I-I can't stay here just for you.
Well, so stay for the museums.
- I'm sorry. - 'Joey. On stage.'
Well, can you at least stay till the end of the play?
I mean, I'll go to the airport with you.
I-I wanna say goodbye.
(Lauren) 'Where are you, Vic?'
The flight's in an hour. I-I've got to go.
(Lauren) 'Vic?'
- 'Vic!' - In a minute!
So, this is it, Victor?
Yeah. I guess it is.
Listen, I, uh, I've gotta say goodbye
and, and I've gotta say it quick
'cause this is killing me.
'One thing you've got to know is that'
'I will never forget you'
but you've got things you have to do now
and, and so do I.
And so..
...I'm gonna get on this spaceship..
...and I'm gonna go to Bleargon Seven
in search of alternative fuels
but when I return, 200 years from now
you'll be long gone.
But I won't have aged at all.
So you tell your great, great granddaughter
to look me up.
Because, Adrianne..
...baby..
...I'm gonna want to meet her.
So long, Vic.
Phoebe, it's been two days.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, a good thing it's one of those 801 numbers, right?
Phoebe, 800 is toll-free.
801 is-is Utah.
No, no, no. It has to be 800.
'Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every..
...yeah, every big Utah based company has one.
- Phoebe! - Sorry. I'm so sorry.
I will pay you back.
And yet, she's still not hanging up the phone.
- Hang it up! - Hang up the phone!
Fine. Fine!
Oh. Oh.
What?
Well, I think I broke it.
But that's alright. Here's the number you can call.
Oh.