[Joey laughing]
- What's so funny? - Oh, nothing.
No, it's an acting exercise.
I'm practicing my fake laugh.
Oh.
[Monica laughing]
What? What's so funny?
(Gunther) Oh, no, no, no.
There's none of that in here.
Oh, come on, man.
At least let me finish this last one.
Okay. But only if you give me a drag.
Okay.
Oh..
...oh, dark mother.
Once again I suckle at your smoky teat.
No, no. Why don't you hold on to that one?
[sighs]
Okay, that's like, the least fun game ever.
Well, I'm really sick of your smoking
so I brought something that is going to help you quit.
Oh.
Nope. That patch is no good.
[fake laughing]
Come on, it's a hypnosis tape.
This woman at work used it for two weeks straight
and she hasn't smoked since.
[scoffing]
What's your problem?
Nothing. It's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Ross, I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic city.
Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me, okay?
Oh, right, 'cause you always pull your pants down
on the count of three and play "Wipe Out" on your butt cheeks.
Alright. Forget hypnosis.
The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked
in a field of heather and then bathe
in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Or what my father calls Thursday night.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Thank you. Here you go.
Oh, you know what? I didn't want cinnamon on this.
Sorry.
- Hi. - Oh, my God!
- 'Hi!' - Frank! Hi!
How are you?
What are you doing here?
Well, you know I would have called
but I lost your phone number
and then, my mom locked me out of the house
so I couldn't find it.
And then, I tried to find a pay phone
and the receiver was cut off, so..
Well, what happened?
Uh...oh.
Uh, vandalism.
But also...what happened between you and your mom?
Well, we got in a fight..
...uh, 'cause she said I was too immature to get married.
- You're getting married? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God!
My little brother's getting married!
Yeah.
Oh, I knew you'd be so cool about this.
Alright, hey, do you wanna meet her?
Do I?
Do you?
- Yeah, I do! Yeah! - Okay, cool! Alright!
She's just, uh, parking the truck.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go get my, uh..
my fiancee, man!
You know, I would have bet good money
that he'd be the first one of us to get married.
Yeah, isn't it fantastic?
Yeah...uh, but..
...Pheebs, don't you think he's a little young to get married?
- Well, he's 18. - Exactly.
It will be illegal for him to drink
at his own bachelor party.
Yeah, or-or to get a hooker.
Always illegal, Joe.
Hey...hey, this is, uh..
...my fiancee, Mrs. Knight.
[nervous laugh]
(Frank) 'That's, uh...that's my sister.'
You know, it's funny.
Frank's told me so much about you
but you're not how I pictured you at all.
Yeah. I'm a big surprise.
- Here you go. - Oh, thank you.
Oh, yeah. Grab a seat.
So, uh, how did you guys meet?
Well, um, I was in Mrs. Knights'..
I mean Alice. Sorry.
Alice. I always do that.
[nervous laugh]
You know..
...I was in her Home Ec class.
And he was my best student.
Yeah, she was my best teacher.
Oh!
If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will?
And so, now you guys are gonna be married.
Yeah, you know we-we talked about just living together
but, um..
...we wanna have kids right away!
[Alice laughs]
Oh, my God.
Great!
Wow. Kids. Frank, are you sure you're ready for that?
How hard can it be?
You know, I mean, you know...babies.
You know, who doesn't want babies, right?
And besides, you know I never had a dad around
and now I always will 'cause, you know, it will be me, right?
[both laugh]
You know, I mean, really, we do realize
that there's an age difference between us.
Oh, good, okay, 'cause you were acting like you didn't.
Oh, no, but when it comes to love
what does age matter?
[growls]
[snarls]
- Mmm.. - Mmm..
(woman over tape) 'You are falling fast asleep.'
'Deeper...deeper...deeper..'
'You are now completely asleep.'
'You don't need to smoke.'
'Cigarettes don't control you.'
'You are a strong, confident woman'
'who does not need to smoke.'
'A strong, confident woman..'
(Monica) 'And you know what?'
I just realized, in the last year
I've only gone out with two guys.
Richard and Julio.
You gotta help me out here. You gotta set me up.
You gotta get me back in the game.
Well, that shouldn't be a problem.
I mean, I work in fashion, and all I meet
are eligible straight men.
Pete, can I get you something else?
Yeah, I'll have a slice of cheesecake and a..
And a date if you're giving them out.
Haven't you and I covered that topic?
Hmm, come on, you just said to her--
Ow, you only want to go out with me
because of my blonde wig and the big boobs
and the fact that I serve you food.
Well, if that were true, I'd be dating my Aunt Ruth.
And the two times we went out it was just plain awkward.
Come on, you think she should go out with me, don't you?
[laughs]
Well, I mean, are you sure you wanna go out with her?
I mean, that ain't a pretty picture in the morning
you know what I mean?
That wig all in disarray and..
boobs flung over the nightstand.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, really. Think about it.
Oh-ho, I will.
No, I know, I know that this is Frank's life, you know?
You know, I don't wanna be all judgmental, you know
but this is sick. It's sick and wrong!
Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?
No, no, I'm fine with the age thing
until it starts sticking its tongue
down my little brother's throat.
Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
But, I mean, do you think he's gonna enjoy it
when he's up to his elbows in the diapers
of all the babies they have to have right away?
This is not fair to Frank
and it's not's.. It's not fair to the babies.
And you know what? It's not good home economics.
Well, have you told him how you feel?
Yes. Not out loud.
Look, Pheebs if you don't tell him
soon he's gonna be married and then you're gonna hate yourself.
Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's gonna hate myself.
I mean, look at him and his mom.
I can't.
But you guys can. Please, you gotta talk him out of it.
(both) No, no, no.
Come on, you guys!
You have nothing to lose.
I have everything to lose.
Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?
(both) No.
Okay. I'm gonna go get Frank.
So, we're walking down the street
and I turn to you and I say
"Hey! Let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes."
Remember, and then, and then you turn to me and you say
"Nah. Let's just hang out at your place."
Well, that was a nice move, dumb ass.
I think you should definitely go out with this guy.
Nah. He just doesn't do anything for me.
Monica, last Saturday night
what happened on "Walker, Texas Ranger"?
Well, Walker was looking for this big busload of kids..
- Alright. I get your point. - Alright.
- Hi. - 'Hey.'
You know, I forgot the combination
to this about a year ago.
I just carry it around.
- You got any chap stick? - Uh, yeah.
Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?
You know what, pretty good. Good!
I haven't smoked yet today.
I feel great and confident..
That is a stunning blouse.
- Thank you. - Here you go.
- Thanks. - Hey, Mon.
Let's give Pete a chance.
Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice
and that check thing was adorable.
What check thing?
As a joke, this customer at work
who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip.
His number's on the check. He just did it so I'd call.
Pete Becker, Pete..
Is this him?
That's Bill Clinton.
Who is he hugging?
Oh, my God. That's Pete!
Why is Bill hugging Pete?
This guy invented Moss 865.
Every office in the world uses that program.
- We use it! - There you go.
Oh, my God. Monica's gonna go out with a millionaire.
No. I'm not gonna go out with him.
Oh, my God. I can't believe this is a real $20,000 check.
Oh, this is just so exciting.
Or incredibly offensive.
Well, yeah. Sure, that, too.
What?
All we're saying is don't rush into anything.
Yeah. Come on, think about it.
You're 18, okay? She's 44.
When you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
What, you don't think I know that?
Look, the point is there's a lot of women out there
you haven't even had sex with yet.
Yeah. He's right. He's right.
This is your time, you know?
You're young, you're weird..
...chicks dig that.
Okay, but isn't sex better when it's with one person
that you really, really care about?
Yeah, in a poem, maybe.
No, the man's right.
That's what I had with Rachel.
You don't have it anymore?
No, I, uh..
I slept with someone else.
Okay, so wait. Alright.
So how did that make things better?
It didn't.
Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel
is what I got with Alice.
- What is that like? - It's so cool, man.
It's 'cause being with her is so much better than
like...not being with her.
- Yeah, yeah. - Why can't I find that?
Don't ask me. I had it and I blew it.
- Well, I want it! - You can have it!
Well, I don't know. Maybe I can't.
I mean, maybe there's something wrong with me.
No, it's out there, man. I've seen it. I got it.
Then you hold on to it!
- Alright, man! - Alright, congratulations!
You lucky bastard!
Your Frank's best man?
I couldn't help it. Their love is so pure.
Well, what about you, huh?
I'm the ring bearer.
[knocking]
Oh, Alice, hi. Thanks. I'm so glad you could come.
'Cause I've got a real Home Ec emergency.
Oh, my God. Who died on this?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
It's a real mustard-tastrophe.
[laughing]
- Can you help me? - Absolutely.
Okay, first we'll start with a little club soda and salt
and if that doesn't work, then we can go back to--
You know what, forget it. It's ruined.
Oh, no, never say that.
If you can't get it out, you can cut around the stain
add a little lace, you make a stylish throw.
Or instead, maybe you could just not
marry my brother Frank.
Okay, that's great, but could we make it smaller?
Can we make it fit on the head of a pin?
I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin.
[intercom buzzes]
(woman on intercom) 'You have a Ms. Monica Geller here.'
Uh, absolutely, yeah. Send her in.
- 'Hi.' - What the hell is this?
Hang on for a sec. I'll talk to you in the morning?
- You got it. - I'm sorry. What?
Seriously, what is this supposed to mean?
Well, you know, I never know how much to tip.
You're supposed to double the tax..
...not double the tax of Romania.
What's the deal? Are you trying to buy me?
Is this the way you get girls to go out with you?
Uh...I'm still here.
You're taking this all wrong, because if I didn't leave you
that tip, you wouldn't have come down here
we wouldn't be having this argument
and there wouldn't be this heat between us.
What?
Come on, you got to, uh, admit that our relationship
is hitting a new level now 'cause you used to be like
the chef and I was the customer
but now we're like this-this couple that fights.
Okay, um, you're a loon, you know?
Look, forget the check, okay?
I like you.
I think you're great.
Come on, what do you say?
- I don't know. - Why not?
'Cause I don't want to encourage this kind of behavior.
One meal. That's all I'm asking for.
Please.
We go out, we eat
and if you don't have a good time
I give you ten grand, we call it even.
- Hi. - God. No!
Wait, no. Just put the mail down.
- It's me. - 'Okay.'
Oh, sorry.
Why were you just, like, all in the dark?
Oh, well, um, your-your laundry smelled so good
that I thought I'd curl up in it.
- Is that alright? - Oh, yeah. Sure.
So, how was your day?
Well, just probably the worst one
since I've been alive.
What, um, what happened?
Um..
...Alice, uh..
...she, uh..
...called it off.
Oh, no.
Did, um, did she say why?
Uh, no, not really. Just that I was too young.
But I don't see how I could all of a sudden be too young
'cause I'm older than I was when we first got together.
Yeah, yeah. No, I don't.. I don't know.
But, you know what?
Maybe it's just all for the best.
Yeah, if...the best is, like, unbelievable pain.
Oh, sweetie. Oh.
You know, I was just finally happy, you know?
For the first time in my life..
...after my dad left me..
...and then, and then
getting arrested for stealing those birds.
And then the.. And then the whole punctured lung thing.
I can still... It's still really hard
to take deep breaths in cold weather
but with Alice, all that stuff kind of went away.
And now it's...now it's gone, and I don't know why!
Uh, well, I can tell you why.
It's-it's because of me.
But you know what? I only did it because I love you, okay?
What?
Um...well, I..
...I kind of had a little chat with Alice
and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn't be together.
You know, and you're going to see it, too, one day.
You really, really will.
Wait a minute. Wait. This is because of you?
- Okay-- - Wait, no.
My mother didn't want us to be together
but the worst thing she ever did
was tie me to the porch.
- Okay, but-- - Wait, you know what?
I-I came to you 'cause I thought you'd understand!
Oh, no, I..
You know, oh..
I would storm outta here right now
if-if I had some money or a place to go.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, my God, the millionaire's here.
Oh, my God!
You guys, please?
I'm just gonna have dinner with him, okay?
Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner
does not mean you owe him anything.
I know.
Okay, then get the lobster.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, how much cash you got in your pocket right now?
And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.
- Bye! - Why not?
- Wait! - 'Why not a drink?'
Where do you wanna go?
- Well, you like pizza? - Oh, that sounds great.
I know a great little place.
♪ When the moon hits your eyes ♪
♪ Like a big pizza pie ♪
♪ That's amore.. ♪♪
Hey, you're not paying for the pizza.
Oh, come on, it's only fair.
You paid for the flight.
Now, is that enough lira?
Uh, I'd throw another thousand on there.
Well, how much is that?
That's about 60 cents.
Oh!
Ooh.
Every night!
(woman over tape) 'You don't need to smoke.'
'Cigarettes don't control you.'
'You're a strong, confident woman..'
'...who does not need to smoke.'
'A strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.'
'Hey, Frank.'
Look, okay, I know that you think
I did this, like, totally evil thing, but I so didn't.
'There's someone here who I think'
'could explain this better than I can.'
Hi, Frank.
Hi..
...Mrs. Knight.
Phoebe's right, Frank.
I know it's hard to hear but it would have
been wrong to go through with it.
I-I-I was being selfish.
'Even though we, we want the same things right now'
in the future...we may not.
Is that it? Is that what it is?
Yes, but not just that.
Right. Not just that.
'Um..'
...even though..
...we love each other as much as we do.
Nonetheless..
- Nonetheless.. - Nonetheless..
'Um..'
...you're too young to..
...to really know what, you want.
That's right, exactly.
Alright, it's a goodbye kiss.
That's good.
Bye-bye.
Okay, no, the important thing is is that you see what I'm saying.
You know, just, you know..
...this is clearly wrong.
Okay, I've decided I'm gonna let this happen.
Okay, can I just get my purse?
- Mmm.. - Okay. Alright. Good.
(woman over tape) 'Cigarettes don't control you.'
'You're a strong, confident woman'
'who does not need to smoke.'
[tape recorder clicks]
[rustling]
(Joey over tape) 'Joey's your best friend.'
'You wanna make him a cheese sandwich every day.'
'Ooh, ooh..'
'...and you also wanna buy him'
'hundreds of dollars worth of pants.'
[theme music]