[guitar music]
- Can I see the comics? - This is the "New York Times."
Okay, may I see the comics?
Guys, I thought you were taking Ross to the game.
- We are. He's meeting us here. - No. Rachel is meeting us here.
Oh, come on, they can be in the same room.
Yeah, you should've been there last night.
Why? What happened now?
Well, Ross was hanging out, over at our place.
Rachel comes over to borrow some moisturizer from Chandler--
Hey, Joe, would you..?
How hard is it to say "something?"
"Rachel came over to borrow...something."
Anyway, her and Ross just started yelling at each other.
Wait, why was he yelling at her?
He's the one who slept with someone else.
Well, I guess he says that, because they were on a break
when it happened, that she should've forgiven him by now.
Whoa! He is so unreasonable.
God!
Although, I think I understand what he means.
Oh, my God. This is like, "60 Minutes."
Okay, when-when at first you're really mad
at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug
and then, you know, you just feel bad for the people
because they needed to make their hair grow.
You know what this is like?
This is like when my parents got divorced.
Man, I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts.
You know, I had a dream
that Ross and Rachel were still together.
They never broke up, and we were all just, like
hanging out and everyone was happy.
I had the same dream.
Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl.
Oh. I had the opposite dream.
You know what? Maybe it's gonna be okay.
I mean, it's been a week.
Yeah. It's never taken me more than a week
to get over a relationship.
It's never taken you more than a shower
to get over a relationship.
Okay, let's go. Let's hit the road.
Let's get the show on it.
Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee.
Oh, Rachel, I know the best coffeehouse and it's so close.
Closer than here?
Oh, hey, look, look, I found coffee.
Okay, let's skedaddle.
Pheebs, I'm not gonna drink somebody's old coffee.
Okay...Your Highness.
[imitating Ross] Uh, Rachel, I'm really sorry.
[imitating Rachel] Um, that's okay, Ross.
Do you wanna get back together?
[imitating Ross] Yeah, okay.
Did anyone else hear that?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[knock on door]
- Is he here? - No.
Oh. Here's your moisturizer.
- Hi. - Hey.
You guys are gonna love me.
Okay, check it out. Thursday night, five tickets.
Calvin Klein lingerie show
and you guys are coming with me.
Okay, I said that out loud, right?
Yes, yes, it's just that we..
...we kind of already... made plans with Ross.
Oh. Well, okay.
Well, there you go.
No, it's just that he got this new, like, home theater dealy
and he wants, you know, he wants us to check it out.
Yeah. He's really excited about it too.
Even recorded show times on his answering machine.
- We're sorry, honey. - Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
Rach, it's-it's not that we don't want to.
Really.
Are we talking models in their underwear?
And heels.
Eh, Ross did ask us first, and we set that night aside.
No. Hey, come on, you know.
If he asked you first, that's only fair.
[groans]
- Boy, do I feel bad. - Oh, yeah.
- Very bad. - Chandler, what are you doing?
Chandler!
Oh, my God!
You're smoking again?
Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again.
Today, I'm, I'm smoking still.
Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?
Look, I'm telling you, this is just like my parents' divorce
which is when I started smoking in the first place.
Weren't you nine?
Yeah.
I'm telling you something that first smoke after naptime..
[knock on door]
Oh, that's great. With my luck, that's gonna be him.
- Him? Him, Ross? - No. Hymn 253.
"His eyes are on the sparrow."
When my parents got divorced is when I started using
humor as a defense mechanism.
Hi, uh, do you guys have plans for the weekend
because I have my sister on hold, and she said
that we could have her cabin for the weekend and go skiing.
Huh? I'm asking you first, right?
I mean, I'm playing by the rules.
- Absolutely. - Yeah.
Chandler! You're smoking?
- What are you doing? - Hey, shut up!
You're not my real mom.
Hey, can you close that window, Chandler?
My nipples could cut glass over here.
Wait, really? 'Cause mine get me out of tickets.
Look, you guys, I just wanna say
I really, really appreciate you spending this time with me.
It's been a pretty hard time right now
so I just wanna say thanks.
Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.
Oh, hey, hey, huh?
How about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon, okay.
And maybe a tournament on my new..
...dart board. Huh, huh?
What do you think? Two days of darts.
[Irish accent] It'll be great.
It'll be great for next weekend.
No, no, no. This weekend, guys.
It'll be great for next weekend.
[Irish accent] I mean...it'll be great.
What's going on?
We were, um..
...sort of invited to go skiing.
You know, Rachel's sister's cabin.
So...for the whole weekend?
We're really sorry, but, um..
...she did ask us first.
Yeah, that's okay, I mean, if you guys all have to go away
for the first weekend I'm alone by myself, you know
I totally, totally understand.
You know what? I could stay. I'm gonna stay.
'Cause the last time I went skiing
I was too afraid to jump off the chair lift.
I just went round and round.
Uh, Pheebs, we kind of need you to drive everybody up there
in your grandmother's cab, but you know what?
- I'll stay. - No, I'll stay.
- He's my brother. - What, a pity stay?
No.
We're gonna have fun.
We can make fudge.
Pity food?
You know what? That's okay, alright.
I don't need any of you to stay, okay?
Nobody stays.
Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.
Hey...does anybody else feel bad about Ross?
Why? Do you think he's still mad at us?
Well, he's probably more mad
since you called him this morning
to borrow his goggles.
What? Mine aren't tinted.
- Chandler? - What?
What does the sign say?
"Beam me up, Jesus."
No. The "No smoking" sign.
There's no smoking in my grandmother's cab.
Okay, well, then I-I have to go to the bathroom.
- Oh, please. - Chandler, no.
No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas.
Oh, come on. There's a rest stop right up there.
[whining] Come on, I really have to go.
- Oh, now I have to go! - Oh!
(Chandler) 'Here we go.'
- Okay, brace yourselves. - What?
Oh! Okay.
Ow.
- Aren't you gonna go? - No. Thank you.
No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.
Well, they never have any paper in there, you know.
So my rule is, no tissue, no tushy.
Well, if everybody's going..
Oh, you know what, don't close it!
- The keys are in there! - What!
- Oh, no, no, no! - What's going on?
My lighter's in there!
Damn. The tailpipe's not hot enough to light this.
Relax, okay? I-I can get this open.
- An-anybody got a coat hanger? - Oh, I do.
Oh. No, wait a minute.
I took it out of my shirt
when I put it on this morning.
So if your parents hadn't got divorced
you'd be able to answer a question
like a normal person?
Look, I just need a wire, something to jimmy it.
Oh, hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra.
(all) What?
Come on. Who has the biggest boobs?
[exclaiming]
Whoever has the biggest boobs has the biggest bra
therefore has the biggest wire.
- No. - You're not getting my bra.
If you wanna get back in the car, we need that wire.
Your call.
Okay, Monica's are the biggest.
Oh!
These tiny little non-breasts? Please.
It's got to be Rachel.
Wha, no, no, no. Mine are deceptively small.
I mean, I-I actually sometimes stuff my bra.
Alright, okay, well, then your bra would still be big.
No, I stuff outside the bra.
Ladies, ladies, let's just compromise, okay?
Phoebe, Rachel, take off Monica's bra.
Alright, forget it. Never mind.
- You can have mine. - Thank you.
Chandler, what are you doing?
There is a trash can right there.
Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian
might come by and save us.
- Okay, there. - Thank you, Phoebe.
That's very, very...generous.
Okay, now let's decide who has the nicest ass.
- And there you go! - Oh!
Yay!
Oh, Chandler.
At least let me smoke it to the good part.
(Phoebe) 'Okay.'
Oh, no.
- What? W-what's going on? - What?
Yeah, this has happened before.
- So, you know how to fix it? - Yep. Put more gas in.
[knock on door]
- Hi. What are you doing here? - Hi.
Oh, just, I was just wondering.
When you and I split up, did you get the tape
that was half the last episode of, "M.A.S.H."
and half, "The Hostages Coming Home?"
Uh, yeah, but now it's Susan and me in Mexico
and "The Hostages Coming Home."
- Where's Ben? - He's sleeping.
Ah! Ooh.
Is this a.. Is this a bad time?
Uh, yeah, actually. Susan's gonna be here any minute.
It's kind of an anniversary.
Oh...I thought you guys got married in January.
Different kind of anniversary.
Oh.
So, anyway..
Candles, champagne..
Anniversaries are great.
[chuckles]
'Cause, you know, love lasts forever, you know?
Nothing like it in this lifetime.
Money in the bank.
So, Rachel and I broke up.
Oh God, Ross, I am so sorry.
Yeah.
You know what?
I wanna talk to you about this so much
but we should probably do it when we can really get into it.
You free for dinner tomorrow night?
- Oh, yeah, I'd love that. - Okay, me too.
I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job.
Okay, yeah. Triple A can pick us up.
- Oh, good. - Just what town are we near?
Um...Fre-Fremont.
West-Westmont, um...Westburg?
Okay, why are you answering?
Do you know at least what route we're on?
- We are definitely on Route 27. - Okay.
We are at a rest stop on Route 27.
Okay. There is no Route 27.
- Okay, either 93 or 76. - I don't know. I'm sorry.
I always slept in the back when we drove up here.
Okay, hey, can you just, um, send someone up and down the 76
and just check every rest stop?
And, and also 93?
Okay.
Yeah. No, they don't do that.
Okay, well, somebody will come and save us.
Who, I mean, have you seen a car come by in
the last hour and a half?
I think we should call Ross.
Maybe he can get a car to pick us up.
No. No, I am not
getting in a car with Ross.
We will just have to... live here.
- Come on, it's so cold-- - No, you guys.
I am not getting in a car with him.
You'll have to think of something else.
Oh, good, oh, Joey and Chandler are back.
So the going for help went well.
Oh, yeah, Smokey Joe here got halfway
to the highway and collapsed.
I have the lung capacity of a two-year-old.
- Then why are you smoking? - Well, it's very unsettling.
Right? Right? I mean, it's pretty unbelievable, you know?
I mean, they just took off.
Took off without even looking back.
You know, I don't.. I don't need them.
I've got you guys now as friends. You and Susan.
Ah, Susan will be so pleased.
[beeping]
Seven-one-seven? Where's seven-one-seven?
Hey, you have more of these for Susan, right?
No, but that's okay.
I'll just put out pickles or something.
[phone rings]
- Ross. Thank God. - Pheebs?
Why-why are you whispering?
I...ate a bug.
Hey, Rach...the tampons here are only a penny.
Let's stock up.
Listen, we ran out of gas
and we don't know where we are, so we can't get a tow truck.
- Oh. Now you want a favor. - Yes, please.
Well, I'm sorry your car broke down, Pheebs
but I'm a little too busy with some of my real friends
right now, but please call to let me know you got home--
Phoebe, hang on a second.
Here. Take my car, go pick up your friends.
No, I am not gonna pick them up--
Listen, we both know you're gonna do it
'cause you're not a jerk, okay?
So you can either sulk here for half an hour
and then go pick them up
or you can save us both time and sulk in the car.
- No. Rachel doesn't want me-- - I am sorry Rachel dumped you.
'Cause she fell in love with that Mark guy
and you are the innocent victim in all of this
but don't punish your friends for what Rachel did to you.
- Yeah, you're right. - Phoebe, hang on a second.
Ross wants to tell you something.
- What? - You slept with someone else?
We were on a break!
We were.. We were..
Yeah, where are you? I'll find you.
- You slept with another woman. - Oh, y-you're one to talk.
Okay, done.
What's "pleh?"
That's "help" spelled backwards
so that the helicopters can read it from the air.
Huh?
What's "dufus" spelled backwards?
Oh! Oh! Car! Car!
Ohh!
Oh, it's Ross on one of his drives!
- Hey! - Hey!
What is he doing here?
He is saving your butt.
Unless, of course, I'm stepping on some toes here
in which case I can just mosey on.
I've got plenty of people to help on the interstate.
[all talking]
Fine. Fine.
- Hey! - Oh!
Oh, no. Now it's not gonna make any sense.
You guys..
What-what do we do about Ross? He drove all the way up here.
What do we do? Just, like, send him back?
And then we're gonna go skiing?
Oh, this is horrible. It's just horrible.
Hey, you guys think, you think we should ask
Ross to come along?
I know, but what about Rachel?
I mean, how are we gonna even ask her?
Ask me what?
Um...if, uh, it might be okay if Ross came skiing?
- I wasn't. - I wasn't gonna ask that.
You guys are unbelievable. No, he cannot come.
- Excuse me? - "It's horrible?"
Oh, please, can't I come to your special, magical cabin?
Why would you even want to come, Ross?
You're a horrible skier.
Oh, oh...hitting me where it hurts. My ski skills.
Here we go again.
I-I can't handle this, you guys.
You know, I can handle it.
"Handle" is my middle name.
Actually, it's the, uh, the middle part of my first name.
Alright, Pheebs. The cab's ready.
- Alright, let's go. - You're welcome.
Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me
or sleeping with someone else?
We were on a break.
Oh, you know, Ross, why don't you just put that
on your answering machine?
Hey-hey, it's valid, okay?
And I'm not the only one who thinks so.
- Monica agrees with me. - What?
I don't know.
That's what you said last night.
What I said was, was that I understood.
Joey is the one who agreed with you.
- Okay. - Really, Joey?
- What? - You know what..
But there is, there is no right or wrong here.
No, I think it's very obvious who's wrong here.
Obviously not to Joey.
What?
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, guess who I am!
[all resume talking]
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey! Hey!
Look what you're doing to Chandler!
Yeah, look, we know that this
is really, really hard for you guys, okay?
You don't...alright, you don't have to love each other, okay?
You don't even, you don't even have to
like each other much right now
but...please, you have to figure out a way
to be around each other.
Yeah, and not put us in the middle.
Yeah, otherwise, I mean, that's just..
That's it for us hanging out together.
You know? Is that what you want?
Can you be civil?
- Yeah. - I can.
Good, alright, let's get back in the car
'cause it's freezing and my chest is unsupported.
Uh, w-wait a second. I mean, what are we doing?
Who's going with who?
Look, you guys should.. You guys should go.
No, um...you know, you planned this all out
and...I don't want to ruin it
so you guys should just go.
Come on, man, you drove all the way--
No, no, really.
I've got to take the car back anyway.
I'm spending all day tomorrow with Ben.
It's fine, okay? You, just go.
No guilt. I promise.
Thank you.
(Monica) Alright, we'll call you when we get back.
Maybe we can go to a movie or something.
- Okay. - Okay.
Or-or the Rodeo!
- That'd be great. - Okay.
I was being Shelly Winters from, "The Poseidon Adventure."
I know.
[engine revving]
(Monica) 'Bye!'
[engine sputtering]
[horn honking]
[doorbell ringing]
- Ross! - Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- Uh, were you sleeping? - Uh...no.
Oh, great. I was..
So I had to get you a whole new battery.
I got you the best one I could
'cause that's not where you want to skimp.
You're a genius, Ross.
Yeah, well, it came to about $112, but what the hell
just call it an even 110?
- Okay, I'll pay you tomorrow. - Okay. Bye.
So, they, uh.. They all took off.
It was pretty hard watching them go, you know?
Yeah, okay, bye.
(Ross) 'So I'm gonna take off, then.'