Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives?
I won't give you anything, but you'll owe me $2.95.
Done.
Hey, I need an atlas! I need an atlas!
Why? Do you have a report due?
I have a date with this diplomat I met
while I was giving free massages outside the UN.
And..
...I don't know where his country is.
Okay, let's start with the free massages at the UN.
Oh, it's my new thing. I figure bodies at peace, make peace.
Wow! You might just get the first Nobel Prize in rubbing.
So, what country is this guy from?
Um, Ick-neck-tree-anis.
There's a G in there.
- Well, where's that? - In your atlas.
- I don't have an atlas. - Oh!
Oh, but, wait, I do have a globe.
- Oh. - Hold on.
So, Phoebs, what's this guy like?
Um, well, he's very..
...dashing, you know?
And, uh, very, very sophisticated.
And he doesn't speak any English
but according to his translator, he totally gets me.
- 'Kay, here you go. - Okay.
What is this?
It's a globe.
And a pencil sharpener.
Hey, anybody need anything copied?
I'm going down to the Xerox place.
- Oh, no, thanks. - Okay, listen.
Just give me anything I can make two of.
Well, if you don't have anything to copy
why are you going down there?
Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk
at that hot girl with the belly button ring again?
Yeah. You wanna come?
Yeah.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ You're job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Come on Chloe!
'Finish up with your customer first.'
Come on, Chloe. Come on, Chloe!
- Can I help you? - Uh-oh.
Uh, you know what?
We're having second thoughts
about our copying needs.
And now, we'll need a little more time to think about it.
Chloe, switch with me.
There's some guys here who got a crush on you.
Okay, that hurt us.
Hi, guys. I haven't seen you since this morning.
Well, uh..
...you know.
Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?
Both of us?
Maybe. Does that scare you?
Relax. It's just Isaac's DJ-ing at the Philly.
- You should come. - Oh, we'll be there.
Great. I'll, uh, see you then.
Alright. Rock on.
[rock music]
[speaking in foreign language]
He says that walking with you
makes this strange city feel like home.
Oh, me too.
Although this city is my home
so, so that's dumb, what I said.
Don't tell him I said that.
Uh, just.. You make something up.
[speaking in foreign language]
Nice. Thank you.
This is me, here.
[Mischa speaking in foreign language]
Your eyes are very pretty.
Thank you, very much.
Oh, thank you.
[speaking in foreign language]
He would like to kiss you.
Okay. You know what, you don't have to do that now.
[Mischa speaking in foreign language]
No, no, not him! No, you don't.
[conversing in foreign language]
Well, the moment's over.
- Oh! - 'Oy.'
[instrumental music]
See, there it is, right there.
Wow, it's small.
Yeah, but Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks
to get all the way across it.
- So you had fun, huh? - Yeah.
Except for, you know when you're on a date
and you're getting along really great
but the guy's translator keeps getting in the way?
No.
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
What, is, uh, Rach in her room?
Oh, no, she's still at work
but she told me to tell you to call her.
Oh, what? Is she gonna cancel on me again?
How could she do this?
Doesn't she know it's our anniversary?
Alright, uh, Ross, this is the extent
of my knowledge on the subject.
- "Call Rachel." - What's that on the bottom?
Oh, that's my doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat.
She's fancy.
- Hello. - 'Hey, honey.'
- Oh, hi. - Hey, what's going on?
Well, there was a disaster in shipping
and I have to get this order in.
Honey, I'm so sorry, but it looks like
I'm gonna be here all night.
What? Do you, well, um, oh, how about I come up there?
No, no, no, honey, please, I've got..
I just have too much to deal with.
Anyway, I'm going out with Sergei again tonight.
And, um, could you come and be the translator's date
so that when we, you know, it's time for our alone time
you two can split off?
You know, he's really.. He's kinda cute.
Yeah, well, kind of cute, like really kind of cute?
Or kind of cute like your friend Spackle Back Larry?
Hey, don't call him that.
His name is Spackle Back Harry.
[instrumental music]
Hey, you know what, maybe we should get going.
I mean, what time did Chloe say we should get there?
- Uh,10:30. - What time is it now?
4:30.
Yeah, alright, so we'll hang out.
Yeah.
Hey, remember when she brought up that thing
about, you know, the three of us?
Yes, vividly.
She was kidding about that, right?
Yeah, I-I think so.
God, it'd be weird if that situation
presented itself tonight, uh?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, uh..
...what-what would we do?
Dude, I don't know.
[chuckles]
- She was kidding. - Yeah.
She was..
Well, you know what, just in case, maybe we should come up
with a set of ground rules.
Yeah. For sure. Okay.
Probably want the first one to be, never open your eyes.
You know, because you don't wanna be doing something..
...and then look up, right?
And see something that you don't want to be seeing.
- You know? - Yeah.
Good call. Nice. Hold it! Hold it!
What if my eyes are closed and..
...and my hand is out there..
Ah! Okay, eyes open at all times.
Oh, hey, how do we decide where we..
[clears throat] ...you know, each would..
...you know...be?
Right. Right. Well, uh, you know, we could flip for it.
Yeah, I guess. But, like, what's heads and what's tails?
Well, if you don't know that
then I don't wanna do this with you.
[instrumental music]
No, no, no, I am looking at a purchase order right here
and it clearly states that we ordered the Riviera bikini
in a variety of sizes and colors and..
What does it matter what I'm wearing?
Could I please speak to your supervisor?
Thank you. We're holding.
- Hi. - Oh!
Oh, my God. What are you doing here?
Well, you said you couldn't go out, so..
You brought a picnic. Uh, what a boyfriend.
That's it. On Monday, I start wearing makeup.
Ross, honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I've got a crisis.
Yeah, but I've got couscous!
Honey, honey, I'm sorry, I know it's our anniversary
but I told you on the phone, I don't have time to stop.
Okay, you don't have to stop. I'm invisible. I'm not here.
Yeah, but I don't..
Oh, who approved that order?
Well, there is no Mark Robinson in this office.
- Get me Mark on the phone! - Oh, I love Mark.
- Do you know Mark? - Yeah.
Well, let me just check that with what I've got here.
Alright, see, 038 is not the number for this store.
038 is Atlanta. And I..
[whirring]
[chuckles] Pepper?
- None for me. - Okay, sorry. Whew.
I'm sorry. As I was saying, the store number is wrong.
And I'm sorry, but that is..
- Oh, my God! Ross! - Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, my..
Okay, that's a fire.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - Excuse me, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
I've got Shemp in my office.
- What are you doing? - Uh, I'm sorry.
But, um, hey, oh, somebody's off the phone.
How about a glass of wine by the fire?
I can get it going again, if you..
Ross, you're not listening to me.
I don't have time to stop.
Come on, Rach, you don't have what, ten minutes?
- I don't have ten minutes! - What?
Sophie, does she have ten minutes?
Hey, Ross, I told you, I don't!
Don't yell at me, okay? This is the most I've seen you all week.
Look, I cannot do this right now, okay?
I've got a deadline. Would you just go home.
- I'll talk to you later. - Yeah, but wait--
Goodbye!
Uh, actually, that's our three-hole punch.
- Hey. - Hi.
Look, um, about what happened earlier--
No, hey, well, I-I completely understand.
You were, you were stressed.
[thuds]
I was gonna give you a chance to apologize to me.
For what? For letting you throw me out of your office?
You had no right coming down to my office, Ross.
You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work!
Unless maybe they were a park ranger.
Yeah, well, excuse me for wanting to be
with my girlfriend on our anniversary.
Boy, what an ass am I.
But I told you I didn't have the time.
Yeah, well, you never have the time.
I mean, I don't feel like I even
have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel.
Wh.. Ross, what do you want from me?
You want me, you want me to quit my job
so you can feel like you have a girlfriend?
No, but it would be nice if you'd realize
that it's just a job.
Just a job?
Yes.
Ross, do you realize this is the first time
in my life I'm doing something I actually care about?
This is the first time in my life I'm doing
something that I'm actually good at?
I mean, if you don't get that--
No, hey, I get that. Okay.
I get that big-time, and I'm happy for you.
but, I'm tired of having a relationship
with your answering machine, okay.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Well, neither do I!
Is this about Mark?
- Oh, my God! - Okay, it's not.
Oh, my God!
I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross.
No, You-you-you're making this too hard.
Oh, I'm, I'm making this too hard?
Okay, what do you want me to do?
I don't know, I don't know, look..
Urgh! Maybe we should just take a break.
Okay. Okay, fine. You're right.
Let's, uh, let's take a break. Let's cool off. Okay.
Let's get some frozen yogurt or something.
No.
[sighs] A break from us.
[instrumental music]
And the advances in collating in the past five years
I mean, we just got in an X-5000, you know?
The X-5000 makes an X-50 look like a T-71.
[mumbling]
Uh! Hey, it's the dinosaur guy!
- Hi, Ross! - Oh, hi, Chloe.
I want you to meet some friends of mine.
This guy's my hero.
He comes in with some stuff, he wants it blown up 400%.
We said, "We don't do that." He says, "You gotta."
And you know what? We did it.
And now anytime anybody wants 400
we just say, "Let's Ross it!"
And that's the only color that comes in.
Yo, Chloe. Do you have a quarter for the condom machine?
[grunts]
So, what are you doing here?
I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.
Yeah, a little change of plans.
Uh, we're gonna break up instead.
Oh, and I can also speak a little French.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Why? What did I say?
Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight.
Oh, my God.
No wonder I get such great service at Cafe Maurice.
No.
Knock, knock, knock. Hi.
Um, could you please tell Sergei that, um, I was fascinated
by what Boutros Boutros-Ghali said in the New York Times.
[clears throat]
[speaking in foreign language]
You didn't say Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
[speaking in foreign language]
He says he was too.
Interesting.
- Uh, so I was wondering-- - Okay, ah.
Before you get all talky again, um..
...could you also please tell Sergei..
...that...I really like his suit.
[speaking in foreign language]
Eh, he said, thank you very much.
He thinks you look pretty tonight.
Your hair golden like the sun.
So you're a chef?
I'm also thinking of opening up my own restaurant.
- Oh, really? - Monica.
Could I talk to you behind my menu, please?
What are you doing?
Well, I was having a conversation.
Yeah, but, Mischa is so interested in you
that Sergei and I haven't been able to say
two words to each other.
What do you want me to do, just sit here silently
while the three of you have a conversation?
That would be great. Thank you.
[instrumental music]
[phone ringing]
- Hello? - Oh, hi. It's Mark.
Oh.
- What? Is it my breath? - 'No.'
Sorry. I just thought you were somebody else. Hi.
Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message.
Isn't tonight your-your big anniversary dinner?
Well, well, um..
- Rach? Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
'You wanna talk? I mean, I can come over.'
No. Really, no. Please.
- That's, that's okay. - Alright, alright.
I'm coming over. And I'm bringing Chinese food.
Oh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not hungry.
- 'It's for me.' - Oh.
Okay, bye.
Oh!
[dance music]
- So, what are you gonna do? - What can I do?
One person wants to break up, you break up.
Hey, no way. Come on. This is you guys.
- Call her and work it out. - Oh, come on.
We just had this huge fight, alright.
Don't I have to wait a while?
Hey, this isn't like swimming after you eat.
Pick up your phone!
You know that whole swimming thing is a myth.
Yeah. Tell that to my Uncle Lenny.
Why? What happened to him?
Nothing. He just really believes in that.
Oh, and then we got into this big, stupid fight and I just..
It was awful.
I told him he treats me
like a park ranger, something, oh..
And then, uh..
I told him I wanted to take a break.
I don't wanna take a break.
Wow, I'm sorry.
Um, egg roll?
[clicks tongue] No.
And then I called him, and he wasn't there.
Well, then he's-he's probably just out.
Oh, thank you, that's very helpful.
I'm glad you came over.
[phone ringing]
- Hello. - Hi, it's me.
Hi. Oh, I'm so glad you called.
Really? I've been thinking this is crazy.
I mean, don't-don't you think we can work on this?
Hey, what do you wanna drink?
Who's that?
Nobody?
Is it okay if I finish the apple juice?
Is that Mark?
Oh, honey, look, he just came over--
Yeah, got it!
Hey, dinosaur guy. Look at you, so sad.
- Come dance. - Oh, that's okay. Thanks.
Hey!
You don't have to smile. You just have to dance.
Look, I don't feel like dancing.
I feel like, uh, having a drink, okay?
Oh, okay. Hey, two beers.
And the vet said it was time.
And so from half a world away
while my mother held the phone to his ear
I said goodbye to my dog.
In seven languages.
- Could I have a tissue? - Oh, yeah, sure.
I just hope you, hope you don't accidentally
suck it up through your nose and choke on it.
[speaking in foreign language]
Sergei would like to apologize for my behavior tonight.
Well, tell him, apology accepted.
[speaking in foreign language]
Oh, he's unbelievable.
I mean, for the first time in three years
someone actually wants to talk to me.
But do you think he would let me enjoy that? No!
You silly diplomat.
Why don't you learn some English, Sergei.
Excuse me, but, um..
[clears throat] ...isn't he paying for your dinner?
Hey, the man's dog just died.
[speaking in foreign language]
[conversing in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language]
I have just resigned my post.
Would you care to accompany me to the Rainbow Room?
I have diplomatic coupons.
Well, it would be my pleasure.
My guy has coupons.
Your guy can't even say coupons.
Uh..
Uh-uh, plate.
- Plate! Yes! Plate! Plate! - Plate! Plate!
Plate.
See, we don't need them.
- Plate? - Yeah.
♪ Sleight of hand and twist of fate ♪
♪ On a bed of nails she makes me wait ♪
I like this song.
Well, you're practically dancing already.
Why don't you just do it over here?
Oh, no.
What, are you married?
[laughs]
Because that's okay.
♪ Through the storm we reach the shore ♪
♪ You gave it all but I want more ♪
♪ And I'm waiting.. ♪
Oh, be home, be home, be home.
Be home, be home, be home.
Oh.
You're not home.
♪ I can't live ♪
♪ With or without you.. ♪
Still no smile?
♪ And you give yourself away ♪
♪ And you give ♪
♪ And you give yourself away ♪♪
[singing in foreign language]
♪ Touchet touchet Miss American pie ♪
Ameri-ccan.
Ameri-can.
- Ameri-ccan. - Ameri-can.
You know, it's a very hard language.
Let's do it again.
♪ Touchet touchet Miss Americccan pie ♪
[speaking in foreign language]
♪ Touchet touchet Miss Americccan pie ♪♪