[instrumental music]
Okay, hey, um..
Does everybody hate these shoes?
Oh, yeah, but don't worry.
I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that
as long as you're wearing that towel dress.
Tell him.
It's her first day at this new job.
You're not supposed to start with her.
Alright, I suppose I can wait a day.
[chuckling]
- Hey, what're you doing Friday? - Why?
I need you to come to this bachelor party
for my weird Cousin Albert.
You know, he's the, uh, the botanist.
Oh, God.
Yeah, botanists are such geeks.
[chuckling] Yeah.
- Is that a dinosaur tie? - Hmm? Oh, yeah.
[growling and snarling]
[knocking at door]
- Good morning. - 'Hey.'
Hey. Rach, I'm here with the purses.
Must take you forever to find your keys.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Pheebes.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh, please, want the one with the turtles.
No, no, no, turtles scare me.
- I don't need that today. - Oh.
Honey, just relax. It's gonna to be fine.
Hey, um, why don't I come down there
and I'll take you out to lunch?
Aw, honey, thank you
but Mark's taking me out.
Mark? Is that the-the same Mark that helped you get the job?
Yeah, it's kinda like
a good-luck- on-your-first-day
sort of thing.
Is this actually a lunch box?
Um, no, It's a purse
and there's a thermos in it.
Oh!
Hey, so, can you make it on Friday?
What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Why am I invited to this again?
Well, apparently, Albert has no friends.
Oh.
He's very excited about the bachelor party though.
I think actually the only reason he's getting married
is so he can see a stripper.
[chuckling]
A stripper at a bachelor party.
That is so cliche.
Why don't you guys get a magician?
Well, if a magician can open my beer
with his butt cheeks, then alright.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
She's having lunch with him? Lunch with him?
You should've seen the hug he gave her
when she got the job
and-and-and he's really good looking.
What am I gonna do?
You don't do anything. Keep it inside.
Learn how to hide your feelings..
...and don't cry out loud.
Yes!
[grunting]
Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical?
I wanna say you, but it seems like
such an easy answer.
It is me.
It's a musical version
of "A Tale of Two Cities"
so I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York"
and, uh..
Oh! "I Left My Heart In San Francisco."
[chuckling]
Uh, Joey.
I don't think you get to pick the cities.
- What? - Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
Who?
I'll get you the cliff notes.
The what?
The abridgement.
Oh, okay.
The what?
[instrumental music]
Then the style number.
[typing]
The invoice number.
And the shipping date.
[typing]
- Good. - Oh!
Any questions so far?
Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?
[chuckling]
- Twenty percent. - Oh! I love this job.
[telephone ringing]
Whoo! My first call.
- Here, let me. - Okay.
Rachel Green's line. How may I help you?
Hi. Is Rachel there?
And who may I say is calling?
'This is Ross.'
Ross of..
Of Ross and Rachel.
Oh, hi. It's, it's Mark.
- Oh, hey-hey, Mark. - 'Hey.'
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
- 'You know, hold on a second.' - Huh, okay.
- It's Ross. - Oh.
- Hi, honey. - 'Hi.'
[chuckling] What, uh, what's Mark doing answering your phone?
'Oh, oh, he's just goofing around.'
Oh, that's-that's funny.
Why-why isn't he goofing around in his own office?
Ha. Honey, this is his office too.
I told you, we're Joanna's two assistants.
Why does Joanna need two assistants?
Uh, how-how lazy is she?
Oh. Oh, my God!
- What did I just do? - 'What?'
I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel.
Honey, I gotta go. Mark, I need you!
Okay, bye-bye.
'Ow! Ross.'
Oh, oh, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, sweetie.
I was just trying to, uh..
...I was dialing another number.
[instrumental music]
Alright.
I just got changed in 30 seconds
so you could be alone with him.
You better go for it.
Oh, Please. I'm not going for anything.
Well, if you don't, I will.
Would you please go?
'Night, Mon.
[clearing throat]
- 'Night, Julio. - Adios.
[chuckling]
[door closing]
Look, Julio, someone left their book here.
[chuckling]
Actually, that is mine.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
Well, what're you reading?
Flowers of Evil by Baudelaire.
Have you read it?
[chuckling]
Have I read it.
[chuckling]
No. Are you enjoying it?
[chuckling]
I thought that I would
but the translation's no good.
[laughing]
You're a poet and you don't know it.
Actually, I, uh..
...I am a poet.
Oh.
So, you do know it.
[clearing throat]
Ah-um, so, uh, um
what kinda things do you write about?
[sighing]
Things that move me.
The..
The shadow of a tree.
A..
A child laughing.
[chuckling]
Or this lip.
Mine?
Right here?
[whispering] Yes.
I could write an epic poem about..
...this lip.
How would that go?
[both breathing deeply]
- Uh. - Oh.
Well, it didn't rhyme..
[chuckling]
...but I liked it.
[both chuckle]
♪ You ♪
♪ Got to pick a pocket or two ♪
♪ Boys ♪
♪ You've got to pick ♪
♪ A pocket ♪
♪ Or two ♪♪
[music stops]
Lovely.
Just lovely.
Really? Thanks.
Listen, Joey, we definitely want to see you
for the callback on Saturday.
Excellent.
[laughing]
- I'll be there. - Okay
And listen, don't forget to bring your jazz shoes
for the dance audition.
[stammering]
My, uh, my agent said that
it wasn't a dancing part.
[chuckling] Oh, Joey, all the roles
gotta dance a little
but believe me, with your dance background
it'll be a piece of cake.
"Three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharp"?
Five years with the American Ballet Theater?
Hey, everybody lies
on their resume, okay?
I wasn't one of the zoom kids either.
'God!'
Well, can you
like, dance at all?
Yeah, I can dance.
You know..
Oh, no, no, no.
What-what is that?
Sure, it looks stupid now.
There's no music playing.
[telephone ringing]
Alright, I have to get that
but no, no.
Hello? Hi.
[laughing]
Yeah, um, listen, I-I'm in need of a stripper
and I was told that you do that.
[chuckling] Okay.
Let me ask you this.
What-what do you do for the extra hundred?
So, would I..
Would I have to provide
the grapes?
- Hi. - Ooh!
How was last night
with Julio, senorita?
He is so amazing.
He's so sexy and smart, which makes him even sexier.
Oh, gosh, I got to tell you this.
Um, last night, we were fooling around
and all of a sudden
he stops to write a poem.
Get out. I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.
Okay, we have our stripper.
A Miss Crystal Chandelier.
Well, sure, you name a kid that
what do you expect them to grow up to be?
[clearing throat]
Anyway, um, when he left
he forgot to take the poem with him.
Now, I'm at totally dense about poetry
but I think this is pretty good, alright?
- Check it out. - Ha.
- Mm. - Read it.
"The empty vase.
Translucent beauty--"
To yourself.
[chuckling] Hey, you know what?
- That's pretty good. - Oh, good.
- I think so too. Pheeb? - Oh, yeah.
Oh. Great. I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay.
- Alright, I got to get to work. - Oh. I'm not done.
Alright. Well, just give it back when you're through.
- Okay. See you guys. - Bye-bye.
'Bye.'
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- Poor Monica! - What? What? What?
What? He was with her when he wrote this poem.
Look. "My vessel so lovely with nothing inside.
Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still."
He thinks Monica's empty.
She's the empty vase.
You really think that's what he meant?
Totally. Oh, God.
Oh, she seemed so happy too.
Done.
[instrumental music]
Do you have the-the Ralph Lauren file?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
It's, uh, right..
[theme from Love Story on music box]
W-w-what's that?
Uh, it's, uh..
It's from Ross. It's a love bug.
[laughing]
Wow. Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
That's not what, not-not what he's doing.
He's just, he's just really romantic.
(male #1) 'Uh, excuse me'
are you Rachel Green?
Yes, I am.
[blows harmonica]
One, two, three.
♪ Congratulations on your first week ♪
♪ At your brand new job ♪
♪ It won't be long before you're the boss ♪
♪ Oomba oomba oomba ♪
♪ And you know who will be there ♪
♪ To support you ♪
♪ Your one and only boyfriend ♪
♪ It's nice to have a boyfriend ♪
♪ Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross ♪
♪ Ross ♪♪
I'm hurt.
I'm actually hurt that you would think
I would send you any of those things
out of anything other than love.
Hurt. Hurt.
Alright, Ross. I get it.
Oh, my God.
Can't-can't a guy send a barbershop quartet
to his girlfriend's office anymore?
'Oh.'
Oh, please, Ross, it was so obvious.
It was like you were marking your territory.
I mean, you might as well have just come in
and peed all around my desk.
I would never do that.
Look, I know what's going on here, okay?
Mark explained it all to me.
He said this is what you guys do.
Yeah, well, if, if, if Mark said that
then Mark's an idiot.
Mark's a genius.
Oh, why? How is he a genius?
Look, don't you see what's happening here?
Instead of hitting on her right away
he's becoming her confidante.
Now, he's gonna be the guy
that she goes to to complain about you.
What am I going to do?
Well, why don't you send her
a musical bug?
Oh, no. You already did that.
Alright, look. You're gonna have to go there yourself now, okay.
Make a few surprise visits.
- I don't know, you guys. - Alright. Fine.
Don't do anything. Just sit here and talk to us.
Meanwhile, she is talking to him about you
and he's being Mr. Joe sensitive
and she starts thinking, "Maybe this guy is for me
because he understands me."
And before you know it, she's with him
and you'll be all, "Oh, man."
And he'll be all, "Yes!"
Huh?
And us, we'll be like, "Oh, dude."
And pretty soon, you'll be like, "Hi."
And, and, and, "Well, I can't go.
Rachel and Mark might be there."
And we'll be like, "Man, get over it!
It's been four years!"
He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?
[instrumental music]
Here's the Shelly Segal stuff for December.
Oh, wait, I've got something for you.
Oh. Oh, Mark.
It's okay. Rachel knows.
- Yeah, but even so. - I can't help it.
You know, I'm just..
I'm just crazy about you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
- 'Mmm. Oh.' - 'Okay, okay.'
'Now, I know I'm like Mr. Inappropriate today'
'but it's just so tough.'
'I mean, I see you walking around'
'and I just wanna touch you and hold you.'
- Mmm. - Come on, no one's around.
Just-just kiss me.
Alright, that's it. Get off..
Get off of her.
- What is goin' on? - You know, what's goin' on?
That, I'll tell you what's goin' on.
Ross!
I have been down in your store
for 20 minutes trying to get a tie.
What do I have to do to get some service?
Hi, Rach, uh..
[instrumental music]
Uh, Joey?
Joey Tribbiani?
Listen, Joey, I got a problem.
I just got a call from my dance captain.
He's having a relationship crisis
and can't get out of Long Island.
So, does that mean the audition's off?
[chuckling]
Listen, Joey, seeing as you've got
the most experience..
...I want you to take these dancers
and teach them the combination.
- What? - Oh, Joey, come on. It's easy.
You know, it's hand, hand
head, head, up
pas de bourree, pas de bourree
big turn here, ronde des champs
cessant, cessant
slide back, touch, step-step
and jazz hands.
It's a stepity-step
and jazz hands.
Have fun.
Bye.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
What are you wrappin'?
Oh, look what I got Julio.
Yeah. It's a vase.
- Yeah. - Uh-huh.
Just like the one in the poem.
Yeah. Well, not exactly like the one in the poem.
What do you mean?
Remember how you said that you
were really dense about poetry?
Yeah.
Oh.
[instrumental music]
So, I'm just an empty vase, huh?
What?
You know, so I don't read
as many important books as you do
and I don't write "trick poems"
that seem to be about one thing
but are actually about something else.
And you know what?
I get excited about stupid stuff.
Like when my People magazine comes on Saturday
and the new Hold Everything catalog.
You know, but that, but that does not mean I'm empty.
You know, I care about things.
I care about my friends and family.
You have no right
to make that kind of judgment--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The poem is not about you.
What?
"The empty vase"
is not about you.
My baby, preciosa.
You make me so sad that you would think this.
[people chattering]
I'm sorry, it's..
- My friend phoebe said-- - No. It's..
It's about all women.
Well..
...all American women.
[chuckling]
You feel better now?
[chuckling] Oh, yeah.
[instrumental music]
Alright, let's do it.
[piano music]
[music stops]
No, no, no.
- What was that? - I don't know.
It's the best I could get out of them.
Well, people.
People, people, people.
Let's try it again
and this time, let's everybody
watch Joey.
Show 'em how it's done.
Count it off, Larry.
[march intro on piano]
So, did you have fun at
the bachelor party last night?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Look what I got.
See?
- She's fully dressed, right? - Right. And then..
And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked..
...and then, and then you click it again
and she's dressed.
She's a business woman.
She's walking down the street.
She's window shopping and, oh, oh, oh
she's-she's naked.
Hi.
- Hello. - You know what?
I'm-I'm going to spend some alone time
with the pen.
[sighing]
I'm sorry. I was an idiot.
[chuckling]
- Big idiot. - A big idiot.
[chuckling]
See, you have to realize this, uh
this whole Mark thing is really hard for me.
Honey, why is it hard?
We've been together for almost a year now.
Well, I was with Carol for like eight years
and I lost her..
...and now, if it's possible
I think I love you even more.
So, it's hard for me to believe
that I'm not gonna..
Well, that...someone else
isn't gonna take you away.
Let it be me. Let it be me.
[sighing]
Honey...that's very sweet.
It just seems to me, though
that if two people love each other
and trust each other, like we do
there's no reason to be jealous.
I gotta get goin'.
- Bye, Chandler. - Oh. Okay, Ross.
Listen, this pen's getting kinda boring
so can you pick me up some porn?
- Where you goin'? - Oh, I've gotta go pick up Ben.
We've got a play-date this afternoon.
Oh. With who?
Oh, just this woman I met last night at the party.
There was a woman at..
The stripper?
- Yeah. - Uh..
You have a play-date with a stripper?
Man, I gotta get a kid.
[laughing]
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, we started talking after she
you know, did her thing
and it turns out she's got
a boy about Ben's age
so we're going to take the kids
to Gymboree class.
- What, is that okay? - Sure. Is she married?
Uh, no.
Huh.
Are you jealous?
No.
I, you know, I just don't see
why she has to play with you, that's all.
I mean, doesn't she, you know
have any other stripper-mom friends of her own?
- You are totally jealous. - Oh.
I'm not jealous, alright?
This is about..
...uh, people
feeling certain things
you know, about..
- ...strippers. - Mm.
And, you know, and, uh--
Honey, I love you, too.
- Ugh. - Bye.
Wait.
What?
[grunting]
Well, there's a kiss
he won't forget for a few hours.
- You know? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
[chuckling]
Either that or you just turned him on
and sent him off to a stripper.
[instrumental music]
Is there a Julio here?
I am Julio.
♪ Bum bum bum bum bum ♪
♪ Mr. Pretentious ♪
♪ You think there's no one finer ♪
♪ Well your poems are unpublished ♪
♪ And you work in a diner ♪
♪ You're no God's gift to women ♪
♪ That's all in your head ♪
♪ You are just a butt-munch ♪
No one likes a butt-munch.
♪ And you're also bad ♪
♪ In bed ♪♪
[theme music]