- Hmm, I-I don't know. - What?
Well, as old as he is in dog years
do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?
- Rachel? - Yeah.
You remember when you first came here how you spent
two weeks getting trained by another waitress?
Oh, sure. Do you need me to train somebody new?
[chuckles] Good one.
Actually, uh, Terry wants you
to take the training again.
Whenever.
[scoffs]
Do you believe that?
[scoffs]
Yeah.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me to-o-o.. ♪♪
So that's two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons.
On behalf of the brown birds of America
I salute you.
[trilling]
Just admit it, Chandler
you have no backhand.
Excuse me, little one.
I have a very solid backhand.
Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl..
...is not a backhand.
I was shrieking..
...like a marine.
Alright, here, watch me execute
the three Ps of championship play.
Power. Ha!
Precision. Shook.
And panache.
[girl screams]
You broke a little girl's leg?
I know. I feel horrible, okay?
It says here that a Muppet got whacked
on "Sesame Street" last night.
Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
Well, I'm gonna go see her.
I wanna bring her something.
What do you think she'd like?
Maybe a Hello Kitty doll?
The ability to walk?
[clears throat] I'm gonna get back to retraining.
Alright, see you, guys.
Look out, kids. He's coming.
And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.
Have fun. Oh, wait. No, don't!
I forgot, I am totally against that now.
- What? Me having a job? - No, no.
I am against innocent trees being cut down
in their prime and their-their corpses grotesquely dressed
in like tinsel and twinkly lights.
Hey, how do you sleep at night?
Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around.
Hey, Phoebe, listen.
You got this all wrong.
Those trees were born to be Christmas trees.
They're fulfilling their life purpose
by-by making people happy.
Really?
Yes.
Yes, and, uh, the trees are happy too
because for most of them it's their
only chance to see New York.
And after you've delivered the drinks
you take the empty tray--
Gunther, Gunther, please.
I've worked here for two and a half years.
I know the empty trays go over there.
What if you put them here?
Huh!
Well, you know, that's actually a really good idea because
that way they'll be closer to the mugs. You know what?
You should have the other waitresses do that too.
They already do.
That's why they call it, the tray spot.
Geez, I always heard them talk about that.
I sort of just thought it was a club they went to.
Oh, God.
I'm, I'm sorry.
It's alright. Sweetheart.
So this must be kind of neat for you, huh?
I mean your dad tells me you get a couple of days off school
and you, uh, you don't have to sell those cookies anymore.
Well, I kind of wanted to sell the cookies.
The girl who sells the most wins a trip to space camp
and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.
Wow, you, uh..
You really like all this space stuff, huh?
Yeah, my dad says if I spent
as much time helping him clean apartments
as I do day-dreaming about outer space?
He'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal.
I think you'd have to, uh, clean a whole lot of apartments
to go all the way to India.
No, the one in Atlantic City.
Dad loves the slots.
He says he's gonna double the college money
my grandma left me.
Huh. Well, good luck to dad.
[sighs]
Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell
in order to win?
The girl who won last year sold..
...475.
- Yeah? - So far, I've sold 75.
Four hundred, huh?
Well, that sounds do-able.
- How much are the boxes? - Five dollars a box.
And what is second prize?
A ten-speed bike
but I'd rather have something my dad couldn't sell.
Well, that makes sense.
Could you do me one favor if it's not too much trouble?
Yeah, Sarah, anything.
Could you pull all the curtains open for me?
The astronauts from the space shuttle
are gonna be on the news.
Since we don't have a TV
the lady across the alley said she'd push hers up to her window
so I can watch it.
[instrumental music]
[knocks]
(female #1) 'Yes?'
Yeah, hi. I'm selling brown bird cookies.
'You're no brown bird.'
'I can see you through my peephole.'
Um, no, hi.
I-I'm an honorary brown bird.
[trilling]
(female #1) 'What does that mean?'
Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies
but I'm not invited to sleepovers.
'I can dial 911 at the press of a button, you know.'
- 'Now, go away!' - Please, please.
Um, it's for a poor little girl who wants to go to space camp
more than anything in the world.
- I'm pressing.' - No.
'A policeman is on his way.'
Okay, okay, I'm going.
I'm going.
(female #1) 'I can still see you.'
Alright!
Hey.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said
and, um, I realized..
Yeah, maybe I was a little judgmental.
Yeah, oh, but, oh..
Now, now, Phoebe. Remember, hey.
They're just fulfilling their Christmas--
- Destiny. - Sure.
- Yes. - Alright.
Okay.
Yikes, that one doesn't look very fulfilled.
Oh, that's, that's one of the old ones.
He's just taking it to the back.
You keep the old ones in the back?
That is so ageist.
Well, we have to make room for the fresh ones.
So what happens to the old guys?
Well, they go into the chipper.
Why do I have the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?
[loud grinding]
No, no!
Oh.
[groans]
Hey, hey, hey.
And these come in the shapes of your favorite
Christmas characters.
Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus.
Alright, I'll take a box of the cream-filled Jesuses.
Wait a minute, one box? Come on.
I'm trying to send a poor little girl to space camp.
I'm putting you down for five boxes.
- Chandler, what about you? - Uh, alright.
Do you have any, uh, coconut-flavored deities?
No but, uh, there's coconut in the Hanukkah menoreos.
I tell you what I'll put you down for eight boxes
one for each night.
- 'Mon?' - Alright.
I'll take one box of the mint treasures.
One and that's it.
I-I started gaining weight after I joined the brown birds.
Remember? Dad bought every one of my boxes and I ate them all.
No, Mon, dad had to buy every one of your boxes
because you ate them all.
But, uh, you know, I'm sure
that's not gonna happen this time.
Why don't I just put you down for three of the mint treasures
and just a couple of the Rudolphs?
No.
Oh, come on now. You know you want them.
No, don't, don't-don't do this.
I'll tell you what, Mon, I'll give you
the first box for free.
Oh, God, I gotta go.
Come on. All the cool kids are eating them.
And when you have a second later
I wanna show you why we don't just trap
spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there.
I'm retraining to be better at a job that I hate.
My life officially sucks.
But Rach, wasn't this supposed to be a temporary thing?
I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff.
Well, yeah, I'm still pursuing that.
How exactly are you pursuing that?
You know, other than sending out resumes
like, what, two years ago?
Well, I'm also sending out..
...good thoughts.
If you ask me as long as you got this job
you got nothing pushing you to get another one.
You need the fear.
- The fear? - He's right.
If you quit this job, you then have motivation
to go after a job you really want.
Well, then how come you're still at a job that you hate?
I mean, why don't you quit and get the fear?
[chuckling] Because I'm too afraid.
Oh, God. I don't know.
I mean, I would give anything to work for a designer
you know, or a buyer.
Oh, I just don't wanna be 30 and still work here.
Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28
and still working here.
- Rachel? - Yeah?
Remind me to review with you
which pot is decaf and which is regular.
Can't I just look at the handles on them?
You would think.
Okay, fine. Gunther, you know what?
I am a terrible waitress.
Do you know why I am a terrible waitress?
Because I don't care. I don't care.
I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf.
'I don't care where the tray spot is.'
I just don't care. This is not what I wanna do.
So I don't think I should do it anymore.
I'm gonna give you my week's notice.
- What? - Gunther, I quit.
Does this mean we're gonna have to start paying for coffee?
Okay, 12..
...22, 18.
- What? - I spelled out, boobies.
Ross, put me down for another box
of the mint treasures, okay?
W-Where are the mint treasures?
Uh, we're out. I sold them all.
What?
Monica, I'm cutting you off.
No. No.
Ju-just a couple more boxes.
It's, it's no big deal, alright?
I-I'm cool.
You gotta help me out with a couple of more boxes.
Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck.
Oh, God.
So how many have you sold so far?
Ah, check this out.
517 boxes.
Oh, my God. How did you do that?
Okay, the other night, I was leaving the museum
just as Laser Floyd was letting out
of the planetarium?
Without even trying, I sold 50 boxes.
That's when it occurred to me, the key to my success
the munchies.
So I, uh, I started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight.
I am selling cookies by the case.
They call me, Cookie Dude.
Okay, everybody stop what you're doing.
I need envelope stuffers. I need stamp lickers.
Well, hey, who did these resumes for you?
Me, on my computer.
Oh, you sure used a large font.
Uh, yeah, well, uh, "waitress at a coffee house"
and, uh, "cheer squad co-captain"
only took up so much room.
[smirking] That's funny.
You're funny, Chandler. You're a funny guy.
You know what else is really funny?
Something else I might have said?
I don't know. I don't know.
Weren't you the guy that told me
to quit my job when I had
absolutely nothing else to do?
[chuckling]
Sweetie, calm down. It's gonna be okay.
No, it's not gonna be okay, Ross.
Tomorrow is my last day, and I don't have a lead.
Okay, you know what? I'm just, I'm just gonna call Gunther.
And I'm gonna tell him I'm not quitting.
But, you-you don't wanna give in to the fear?
You and your stupid fear.
I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear..
Hey! I got great news.
Run, Joey. Run for your life.
What? Rach, listen.
Have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?
- No. - Well..
My old man's doing a plumbing job down there.
And he heard they have an opening.
So you want me to see if he can get you an interview?
Oh my God, yes, I would love that.
Oh, that's so sweet, Joey.
Not a problem. And now for the great news.
What? That wasn't the great news?
Only if you think it's better than this.
Snow in a can.
I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window?
Give it a kind of, uh, a Christmas looky?
Christmas cookie?
[instrumental music]
Okay, and this one here is a Douglas fir.
Now it's a little more money
but you get a nicer smell.
Looks good. I'll take it.
(Phoebe) 'Wait, wait, wait, no, no.'
You don't want that one.
No, you can have this cool brown one.
- Ooh! - It-it's almost dead.
Okay but that's why you have to buy it.
So that it can fulfill it's Christmas destiny.
Otherwise, they're gonna throw it into the chipper.
- Tell him, Joey. - Alright.
Yeah, the trees that don't fulfill
their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper.
I-I think I'm gonna look around a little bit more.
Pheebs, you gotta stop doing this.
I'm working on commission here.
Hey, guys. I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree.
Well, look no further. This one's yours.
Ah.
Is this the one that I threw out last year?
Alright, you know what? Never mind.
Everybody wants to have a green one.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get so emotional.
I guess it's just..
...the holidays are just hard.
Oh, honey, it that 'cause your mom died around Christmas?
Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.
Oh.
Hi there.
How many, uh, how many did you sell?
I'm not gonna tell you.
You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg.
Hey, now, that was an accident, okay?
You're a big scrud.
What's a scrud?
Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud?
I don't have to. I can just look at you.
(female #2) 'Alright, girls..'
...and man.
Let's see your final tallies.
Oh-h...Debbie.
321 boxes of cookies.
- Very nice. - Not nice enough.
Charla...278.
Sorry, dear but still good.
Good for a scrud.
Ooh, yes, Elizabeth.
Oh! 871.
That's crap!
Sister brown bird..
...good going.
Who's next?
[clears throat]
- Hi, there. - Hi.
And batting for Sarah..
...Ross Geller.
"872."
Although it looks like you bought
an awful lot of cookies yourself.
That is because my doctor says
that I have a very serious..
...nougat..
...deficiency.
Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Well, I lost.
Some little girl loaned her uniform
to her 19-year-old sister
who went down to the USSNimitz
and sold over 2,000 boxes.
(Chandler) 'Hey, how'd the interview go?'
Oh, I blew it.
I wouldn't have even hired me.
Oh, come here, sweetie.
Listen, you're gonna go on like
a thousand interviews before you get a job.
That's not how that was supposed to come out.
This is just the worst Christmas ever.
You know what, Rach, maybe you should just
you know, stay here at the coffee house.
I can't. It's too late.
Terry already hired that girl over there.
Look at her.
She's even got waitress experience.
Oh, last night she was..
...teaching everybody how to make..
...napkins into..
[moans] ...swan.
That word was, "swans."
Well, seeing that drunk Santa wet himself
really perked up my Christmas.
Oh, oh my God!
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!
You see it now. You guys.
Oh, God, you're the best.
It's like "Night Of The Living Dead" Christmas trees.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Yeah, this is she.
Oh. You're kidding.
You're kidding.
Oh, thank you. I love you!
Sure, everybody loves a kidder.
I got the job.
- That's great. - Alright.
God bless us, every one.
Here we go. I'm serving my last cup of coffee.
[humming]
There you go. Enjoy.
[applauding]
Should I tell her I ordered tea?
- No. - No.
Um, excuse me, everyone.
Uh, this is my last night working here
and, uh, I just wanted to say
that I made some really good friends here
and, uh, it's just time to move on.
Uh, and no offense to everybody who, uh, still works here
but you have no idea how good it feels to say
that as of this moment
I will never..
...have to make coffee again.
Now, Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong
so you wanna use two bags..
...instead of one, see.
Now pay attention, 'cause this part's tricky.
See, some people use filters just once.
Um, I'm sorry you didn't get to go to space camp
but I'm hoping that maybe, somehow
this may help make up for it, okay?
Presenting, Sarah Tuttle's private
very special space camp!
Really, Mr. Geller, you don't have to do this.
Oh, come on. Here we go.
Stand by for mission countdown.
Ten, ten.
Nine, nine.
Eight, eight, eight.
- Come on. - Okay, blast off.
[imitating rocket]
[sputtering]
[beeping]
I'm an alien. I'm an alien.
Oh, no, an asteroid.
Oh, sorry.
[theme music]