Who da weeny-beeny boy?
Oh, you da wenny-wenny Benny-Benny boy.
Yes.
[crying]
Oh, don't cry.
Don't cry.
Huh?
Why is he still crying?
Let me hold him for a sec.
There...there we go.
Huh? Huh? There we are.
[laughing] Maybe it's me.
Don't be silly. Ben loves you.
He's just being Mr. Cranky-Pants.
You know, I once dated a Miss Cranky-Pants.
Lovely girl, kind of moody.
There we go, all better.
There's my little boy. Aye.
[crying]
[crying continues]
Can I...uh, see something?
[crying stops]
[crying]
[crying stops]
[crying]
Cool.
He hates me.
- My nephew hates me. - Come on, don't do this.
What if my own baby hates me?
Huh? Well, what am I gonna do then?
Monica, would you stop. This is nuts.
Do you know how long it's going to be before
you actually have to deal with this problem?
I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet.
Joey, she does not look fat.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to fall ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Here you go.
Oh, hey, Mon.
[imitates crying]
Goo! Goo! Goo!
[crying]
[laughing]
That is so funny. Let me see that.
[gulping]
Ugh..
- You okay, Ross? - I don't know.
Ugh..
What's in this pie?
I-I don't know, um, butter and eggs
and flour and lime and kiwi--
K-kiwi? Kiwi?
You said it was a key lime pie.
No, I didn't. I said kiwi lime.
That's what makes it so special.
That's what's going to kill me.
I'm allergic to kiwi.
No, you're not.
You're-you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and..
[grunting]
- 'Ugh..' - Oh, my God.
It's definitely getting worse.
Okay. Is your tongue swelling up?
Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.
Alright, g-get your coat. We're going to the hospital.
- Ugh.. - Is he be okay?
Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.
Uh, you know, you know, actually, it's getting better.
It is. It is. It's, let's not go.
Anyone up for Scrabble?
Jacket, now!
But...what-what about Ben?
We can't bring a baby to the hospital.
[chuckles] We'll watch him.
[scoffs] I don't think so.
What? I have seven catholic sisters.
I've taken care of hundreds of kids.
Come on. We want to do it, don't we?
Well, I was looking forward to playing basketball
but I guess that's out the window.
Okay, well, if you do, take him for his walk.
Just remember bring his hat, okay?
And there's extra milk in the fridge
and extra diapers in the bag.
Hat, milk, di...got it.
- Let's go. - Okay.
[gibberish]
[gibberish continues]
Consider it done!
- You understood that? - Yeah.
My Uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
[instrumental music]
Hey, Rach, want to hear the new song
I'm thinking of singing this afternoon?
I wrote it this morning in the shower.
Okay. Right.
♪ I'm in the shower ♪
♪ And I'm writing a song ♪
♪ Stop me if you've heard it ♪
♪ My skin is soapy ♪
♪ And my hair is wet ♪
♪ And tegrin spelled backward ♪
♪ Is nirget ♪♪
Uh, Rachel, sweetheart.
Could I see you for a minute?
- What's up? - Uh.
FYI, I've decided to pay
a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons.
Her name is Stephanie... something.
I, uh, she's supposed to be very good.
But w-what about Phoebe?
Rachel, uh, it's not that your friend is bad.
It's...it's that she's so bad..
...she makes me want to put my finger
through my eye, into my brain
and swirl it around.
Okay.
Okay, so you're not a fan.
But, I mean, come on. You cannot do this to her.
Uh..
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.
I have to do this to her?
♪ Lather rinse repeat ♪
♪ And lather rinse repeat ♪
♪ As needed ♪♪
[instrumental music]
You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff.
Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?
I'm telling you it's going to be worth it.
It's a known fact that women love babies.
Alright? Women love guys who love babies.
It's the whole sensitive thing.
Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
Maybe one of them will break away.
No, no, wait. Forget them.
'We got one, hard left.'
- Alright, give me the baby. - No.
- I-I've-I've got him. - Come on, seriously.
Oh, seriously you want him?
Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
And who is this little cutie pie?
Well, don't-don't think me immodest, but..
Me?
You want to smell him?
I assume we're talking about the baby now.
Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell.
Get a whiff of his head.
[sniffs]
I think my uterus just skipped a beat.
What did I tell you? What did I tell you?
It's great you're doing this.
Well, we are great guys.
You know, my brother and his boyfriend
have been trying to adopt for three years.
What agency did you two go through?
But-but this is my gig!
I mean, this is where I play.
My-my name is written out there in chalk.
You know, you can't just erase chalk.
Honey, I'm sorry.
And he's going to be paying this woman?
Why doesn't he just give her, like, a throne?
And a crown, and-and like a...you know..
...gold stick with a ball on top?
Terry is a jerk. Okay?
That's why we're always saying, "Terry's a jerk."
That's where that came from.
Yeah, okay.
You probably did everything you could, so..
Okay, you know what?
Let-let me just see what else I can do.
Alright, look, look.
Why don't you just let her go on after
Stephanie... whatever her name is.
I mean, you won't be here, you don't pay her.
It's not gonna cost you anything.
I-I-I don't know.
Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.
You don't clean the cappuccino machine?
Uh, of course..
...I clean it.
I mean, I-I will clean it.
I mean, I will clean it.
Oh, alright. Fine.
Fine, fine.
- Done. - Really?
Yeah. Who's working for you, babe?
Oh, oh, my God!
- This is so exciting. - I know.
How much am I going to get?
- What? - Well.
You said he's paying the people who were playing, so..
Oh, no. No, no. I-I meant..
He's going to be paying that other woman..
...because she's a professional.
Well...I'm not going to be the only one
who's not getting paid.
- Oh, but, Phoebes-- - No, uh-uh, I'm sorry.
No, no, I'm not some, like, sloppy second..
...you know, charity band... and you know what?
There are thousands of places in this city
where people would be happy to pay to hear me play.
♪ When I play I play for me ♪
♪ I don't need your charity ♪
Thank you.
♪ La la la ♪
♪ La la la ♪♪
Well, there's no way I'm going to get a shot.
I mean, maybe they can take the needle
and squirt it into my mouth, you know, like-like a squirt gun.
- Hello there. - 'Hi.'
I'm Dr. Karlen.
I see someone's having a little allergic reaction.
Yes, doctor, can I see you for just a moment, please?
My brother, um, has a
slight phobia about needles.
Did you tell him about my-my squirt gun idea?
My brother, the PhD
would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.
No, under these circumstances
it has to be an injection..
...and it has to be now.
So?
Ohhh!
That's good. Have a seat.
Um...doctor says it's got to be a needle.
So, you're going to have to be brave, okay?
Can you do that for me?
- Okay. - Okay. Oh, boy!
You are doing so good.
- You want to squeeze my hand? - Yes.
Okay.
Alright, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard.
Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard.
Ow! Ross, let go of my hand!
[instrumental music]
That's a good plan, Joe.
Next time we want to pick up women we should
just go to the park and make out.
Taxi! Taxi!
Hey, hey. Look at that talent.
Just practicing. You're good.
- Carry on. - Come on.
- Hey, hey, wait, wait. - Hey, stop!
Hey, you.
Well, he's just adorable.
Well, can you tell him that?
Because...he thinks he looks too pink.
So what are you guys out doing today?
Oh, we're not out. No, no.
'No.'
We're just, uh, two heterosexual guys
hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend
doing the usual straight guy stuff.
- You done? - Yeah.
Oh, there's our stop.
Get out of here. This is our stop.
You guys live around here, too?
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, we live in the building by the
uh...sidewalk.
You know it?
Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all
what do you say we, uh..
...get together for a drink?
So, uh, you want to go to Markel's?
Oh, sure. They love us over there.
Hey, where's your baby?
Ben!
Ben! Ben!
Oh, that's good!
Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord!
- Stop the bus! Wait! - No, no, no.
- Wait. There's a baby. - Wait, wait, wait.
[gasping]
Are sure he didn't break it?
'Cause it really hurts.
No, it's just a good bone bruise.
And..
...right here..
...is the puncture wound from your ring.
Oh...I'm sorry.
- I'm really sorry. - That's okay.
Sorry. So...sorry!
Hey! Hey, I got my S's back!
[chuckles]
Which we can celebrate later.
Celebrate. Cele..
♪ He was a double-double ♪
♪ Double-jointed boy ♪♪
Hey, so, um..
Are you the professional guitar player?
Yeah, I'm...I'm Stephanie.
Oh. Right, yeah.
My name was on there but now it just says "Carrot cake."
Okay.
So, um, so, um
how many chords do you know?
- All of them. - Oh, yeah?
So you know "D"?
- Yeah. - Okay, do you know "A" minor?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Do you know how to go from "D" to "A" minor?
[scoffs]
- Yeah. - Okay.
Um, so, does your guitar have a strap?
- No. - Oh.
Mine does.
♪ Stephanie knows all the chords.. ♪♪
Come on, pick up! Pick up!
Pick up! Pick up! Hello..
[clears throat] Transit authority?
Yes, hello.
I'm doing research for a book
and I was wondering what somebody might do
if they left a baby on a city bus.
Yes, I do realize that'd be a very
stupid character.
Hi. Here's the deal.
We lost a car seat on a bus today.
It's white plastic with a handle
and it fits on a stroller.
Oh, and there was a baby in it.
He wants to talk to you again.
Okay, everybody, let's give a
a nice, warm Central Perk welcome to--
♪ Terry's a jerk ♪
♪ And he won't let me work ♪
♪ And I hate Central Perk ♪♪
[clears throat] Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.
[applause]
Thank you.
I'd like to start with a song that I wrote
for... the first man I ever loved.
♪ Zachary.. ♪♪
♪ You're all invited to bite me ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hi! We're the guys that called about the baby!
We lost the baby on the bus! Is he here now?
- Is he's here. Is he here? - He's here.
[both gasping]
I'm assuming one of you is the father.
- That's me. - I'm him.
Actually, uh..
...we're-we're both the father.
- Oh, Ben! - Hey, Ben!
- Hey, buddy. - Hey, baby.
Hi..
[gurgling]
Please tell me you know which one is our baby.
Well, well, that one has ducks
on his t-shirt and this one has clowns..
...and Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
- Okay. - Or clowns.
Oh! Oh, wait!
That one's definitely Ben, remember?
He had that cute little mole by his mouth.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, Ben, remember us?
Okay, the mole came off.
Ahh..
What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
Uh...uh..
We'll flip for it, ducks or clowns.
Oh, we're going to flip for the baby?
You got a better idea?
Alright. Call it in the air.
Alright.
Heads.
- Heads it is. - Yes!
Phew!
We have to assign heads to something!
Oh...right!
Okay. Okay, uh..
Ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
[instrumental music]
♪ Just call me angel of the morning ♪
♪ Angel ♪
♪ Just touch my cheek before you leave me ♪
♪ Oh baby ♪
♪ Just call me angel of the morning ♪
♪ Angel ♪
♪ Then slowly turn away ♪
♪ I won't beg you to stay ♪
♪ With me ♪♪
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Here. I thought you might be cold.
Thank you.
Mm. Mm.
Whoa, look at you. You did pretty well.
$8.27.
But not really, 'cause I put in the first two.
Just to, you know, get the ball rolling
and to make myself feel better.
Do you?
No.
You know, this whole, like, playing-for-money thing
is so not good for me.
You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide.."
I got like..
...I got $1.75.
But then "Smelly Cat?"
I got 25 cents and a condom.
So, you know, now I just feel really bad
for "Smelly Cat."
Well, you know, honey
I don't, I don't think everybody gets
"Smelly Cat."
You know, I mean, if-if all you've ever actually had
are-are healthy pets, then woosh!
But it's not even that, you know, it's just..
I know, I used to do my songs 'cause it made me happy.
Now it's like, it's just all about the money, you know?
Well, people missed you in there.
And in fact, there was actually a request
for "Smelly Cat."
Really? From who?
Well, me.
And I know it's not, you know
big money song, but it's my favorite.
Oh..
- Oh! - Hi.
Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case?
Uh..
- It's kind of an emergency. - 'Yeah.'
- Here you go. - Hey, thanks a lot.
Hey, Christine, I got it!
[instrumental music]
I just want to thank you for being there for me today.
And I'm sorry I-I almost broke your hand.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
Hey... remember the time I jammed
that pencil into your hand?
Remember it?
What do you think this is?
- A freckle? - Oh.
Hey, what about the time that I hit you
in the face with the Sylvians' pumpkin?
Oh, man, oh, remember when I-I stuck that broom
in your bike spokes and you flipped over
and hit your head on the curb?
No.
But I remember people telling me about it.
Oh.
I hope Ben has a little sister.
Yeah.
I hope she can kick his ass.
[chuckles]
I'm going to get a new Band-Aid.
Hey, how about the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?
That was you?
Uh...they were infected.
They wouldn't have made it.
Aw, my little nephew.
(Monica) 'Come here, little one.'
Aw, there's my little baby. Yes..
Hey, my little boy.
Ohh..
Hey! He's not crying.
Hey, he's not crying.
[chuckles]
[crying]
Yes!
There's still pie!
[chuckles]
Oh, I'm here.
I'm here.
How's my little boy, huh? Huh?
You want daddy to change your diaper?
'Hmm? I know. I know.'
So, did you have fun with, uh, Uncle Joey
and Uncle Chandler today?
Oh, yeah.
He rode the bus today.
(Ross) Oh..
Well..
...big boy, riding the bu..
Hey, I have a question.
How come it says "Property of Human Services" on his butt?
[chuckles]
You..
You are going to love this!
- Can you hold Ben for a sec? - Sure.
Alright. Come here. Come here.
Stay back! I've got kiwi!
Run, Joey, run!
♪ Smelly cat smelly cat ♪
♪ What are they feeding you ♪
No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's..
♪ Smelly cat smelly cat ♪
- Better. - Yeah?
Yeah, much better. Good. And you know what?
Don't-don't feel bad, 'cause it's a hard song.
Yeah.
Do you want to try it again?
Yeah. From the top?
Okay, there is no top.
Alright? That's..
That's the beauty of "Smelly Cat."
Oh.
Um..
Why don't you just follow me?
Okay.
♪ Smelly cat smelly cat ♪
♪ What are they feeding you ♪
♪ Smelly cat smelly cat ♪
♪ It's not your fault ♪♪
- That's too much. Sorry. - It's okay.