[man speaking in Spanish on TV]
Man, I sure miss Julie.
Spanish midgets?
Spanish midgets wrestling..
Julie. Okay, yes, I see how you got there.
[telephone ringing]
You ever figure out what that thing's for?
Oh, see I'm trying this new screening thing.
You know, I figured if I'm always answering the phone
people think I don't have a life.
My God, Rodrigo never gets pinned.
(Joey on answering machine) 'Here comes the beep. You know what to do.'
[beeps]
(woman on phone) 'Hello. I'm looking for Bob.'
'This is Jade.'
'I don't know if you're still at this number'
'but I was just thinking about us and how great it was'
'and, well, I know it's been three years'
'but I was kind of hoping we could hook up again, you know?'
'I barely had the nerve to make this call'
'so you know what I did?'
What?
'I got a little drunk, and naked.'
Bob here.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ Well it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
So, uh, what have you been up to?
(Jade on phone) 'Oh, you know, the usual'
'teaching aerobics'
'partying way too much.'
'Oh, and in case you were wondering'
'those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.'
Can you hold on a moment? I have another call.
- I love her. - I know.
I'm back.
'So are we going to get together or what?'
Um, absolutely.
Uh, how about tomorrow afternoon?
Do you know, uh, Central Perk in the village, say five-ish?
'Great. I'll see you then.'
Okay.
Having a phone has finally paid off.
Okay, even though you do do a good Bob impression
I'm thinking when she sees you tomorrow
and she's probably going to realize, hey, you're not Bob.
I am hoping that when Bob
doesn't show up, she will seek comfort
in the open arms of the wry stranger
at the next table.
Oh, my God. You are pure evil.
Okay, pure evil.
Horny and alone.
I've done this.
[instrumental music]
Yeah, yeah, everybody's here.
Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico.
- Hi. - Hi, Julie.
[imitating Julie] Hi, Julie.
What?
Okay, while Ross is on the phone
everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
Um, is-is there any chance that you're rounding up?
You know, like from, like, 20?
Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert and the cake.
Do we need a cake?
Look, guys, I know it's a little steep.
Yeah, whoosh!
But it's Ross.
- Yeah. - It's alright.
- Yeah, you're right, it's Ross. - Yeah, I know, I know.
Alright? Okay.
I'll see you guys later. I got to go, do a thing.
Okay, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
You're not really gonna go through with this, are you?
You know, I think I might just.
So, uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?
Well, I guess I got to start saving up
for Ross' birthday
so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?
Do you guys ever get the feeling that, um..
...Chandler and those guys just don't get
that we don't make as much money as they do?
- Yes, yeah. - Yes, really.
It's like they're always saying, let's go here, let's go there.
Like, we can afford to go here and there.
Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to
you know, someplace nice, you know?
God, and it's not like we can say anything about it
'cause, like, this is a birthday thing, you know
and it's for Ross.
- For Ross. - For Ross.
- Ross' birthday. - Ross.
Oh, my God.
- Hi. - Hey, what?
Okay, I'm at work.
It's an ordinary day you know,
chop, chop, chop, saute, saute, saute.
All of suddenly, Leon, the manager
calls me into his office.
Turns out they fired the head lunch chef
and guess who got the job?
If it's not you, this is a horrible story.
Fortunately it is me, and they made me
head of purchasing, thank you very much.
Oh, that's so cool.
Anyway I just ran into Chandler and Ross downstairs.
They think we should go out and celebrate
you know, someplace nice.
Oh.
- Yeah, someplace nice. - Yeah.
How much you think I can get for my kidney?
[instrumental music]
(Ross) I'm telling you. You can't do this.
Oh, come on, I can never get a girl like that
with conventional methods.
That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob.
Oh, hey, for all we know
Bob is who she was meant to be with.
You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.
We don't know Bob.
Okay? We know me. We like me.
Please let me be happy.
Go over there and tell that woman the truth.
Alright.
Go.
Hi.
Listen, I have to, uh, um, ahem
I have to, I have to confess something.
Yes?
Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
- How did you? - I don't know.
I just had this weird sense, you know?
But that's me. I'm weird and sensitive.
Tissue?
Thanks.
No, you keep the pack.
I'm all cried out today.
[laughs]
[instrumental music]
[tapping glass]
[clearing throat] Okay, okay.
Oh.
Here is to my sister
the newly appointed head lunch chef--
Who is also in charge of purchasing.
Newly appointed head lunch chef
who's also in charge of purchasing.
Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
Uh, lunch chef, purchasing
her own little desk when Roland's not there.
Here's to my little sister--
Oh-h, wait, and I got a beeper.
- Oh, cool. - Let's see.
That's fine. I-I'll just wait.
- Oh, sorry. - Sorry, sorry.
Monica.
[cheering]
Cheers.
Are we ready to order?
Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.
Well, when you do, let me know.
I'll be over there on the edge of my seat.
Wow. Look at these prices.
Yeah. These are pretty cha-ching.
I know. What are these, like famous chickens?
Hey, sorry I'm late.
- Congratulations, Mon. - Thanks.
I'm not sorry I'm late.
How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
Well, pretty incredible according to the message
she left on my machine.
Hey, Chandler, why is this woman
leaving a message for you on my machine?
Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number
because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number
because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.
Hey, tell me again. What do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
Do I dare ask?
Yes, I'll start with the Carpaccio.
And then, I'll have, uh, the grilled prawns.
That sounds great, same for me.
And for the gentleman?
Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza.
Hey, look, if I get it without the nuts
and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
You'd think, wouldn't you?
'Miss?'
Okay. I will have the, uh, side salad.
And what would that be on the side of?
I don't know.
Why don't you just put it right here next to my water.
Okay.
And for you?
Um, ahem, I'm going to have
a cup of the cucumber soup
and, um..
...take care.
I will have the, uh, Cajun Catfish.
Anything else?
Yes, how about a verse of "Killing Me Softly"?
You're gonna sneeze in my fish, aren't you?
[instrumental music]
[gnawing]
Plus tip, divided by six..
Okay, everyone owes 28 bucks.
(Chandler) 'Oh, okay.'
What, um, everyone?
Yeah. Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.
Thank you.
It's Monica's big night. She shouldn't pay.
Oh...thank you.
So five of us is 33.50 a piece.
No. Huh-uh, no way.
Sorry, not going to happen.
Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted
but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks?
Huh, no!
Rachel just had that-that little salad
a-and Joey with his, like, teeny pizza!
It's just..
Okay, Pheebs. Shh. Shh.
How about we'll each just pay for what we had, okay?
It's no big deal.
Not for you.
Alright, what's going on?
Okay, look, you guys, I really don't want
to get into this right now.
I think it'll just make everybody uncomfortable.
Alright, fine. Fine.
- Whoa, whoa. - You can tell us.
Yeah, hello, it's us, alright? We'll be fine.
Yeah.
[crunching]
[clears throat] Okay, um..
...uh, we three feel like that, uh..
ahem, sometimes you-you guys don't get that, uh..
[clearing throat]
We don't have as much money as you.
- Okay. - I hear you.
We can talk about that.
Well, then...let's..
Well, um, I-I guess
I just never think of money as an issue.
- That's 'cause you have it. - That's a good point.
So, um, how come you guys
haven't talked about this before?
'Cause it's always something, you know?
Like with Monica's new job
or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.
(Ross) 'Wh-what.. H-hey..'
Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source
of any kind o-of negative..
There-there's gonna be a hoopla?
Basically, there's the thing
and then there's the stuff after the thing and it's..
If it makes anybody feel better
then we can just forget the thing
and-and we'll just do the gift.
G-Gift? T-The thing's not the gift?
No, the thing was we were going to see Hootie and the Blowfish.
Hootie and...oh, my.
I-I can catch them on the radio.
Oh, no, now, I feel bad.
You want to go to the concert.
No, look, hey, it's my birthday
and the important thing is that we all be together.
- All of us. - Together.
Not at the concert.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
Yeah.
So the Ebola virus, that's got to suck, huh?
[instrumental music]
Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?
I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.
- Uh, it's like a skit. - Yeah.
Why, it's dinner for six
five steaks and an eggplant for Phoebe.
Cool.
Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work
and t-the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank you.
But, wait, there's more.
Hey, Chandler, what is in that envelope?
By the way, this didn't seem so dorky out in the hall.
Come on.
Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish.
The Blowfish.
It-it's on us, alright?
So don't worry, this-this is...our treat.
So thank you, okay?
Could you be less enthused?
Look, it's a nice gesture.
It is, but it just feels like..
Like?
- Charity. - Charity?
We're just, we're just trying to do a nice thing here.
Yeah, but Ross, you have to understand
your nice thing makes us feel about this big.
Oh, actually, it makes us feel that big.
What? I don't understand.
I mean, you, it's like, we can't win with you guys.
Yeah, I mean, if you guys feel this big
maybe that's not our fault.
Maybe that's just how you feel.
Oh, now you're telling us how we feel.
God. See, okay, we never should have talked about this.
Alright, I'm-I'm going to pass on the concert
'cause I'm just not in a very hootie place right now.
- Me neither. - Me too.
Guys, we bought the tickets.
Oh, well, then, you'll have extra seats, you know
for all your tiaras and stuff.
Why did you look at me when you said that?
So I guess now we can't go.
What, come on, you can do what you want to do.
What, we always have to do everything together?
You know what? You're right.
Fine.
- Fine. - Fine!
- Fine. - Fine.
Alright.
We're gonna go.
It's not for another six hours.
We're going to go then.
[instrumental music]
- Chandler. - Yeah?
Oh, geez.. Are you ready?
Yes, yes, just let me grab my jacket
and tell you I had sex today.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? You-you had sex today?
Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it.
I was awesome, okay?
She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
Wow.
Now, I know it's been a while
but I took that as a good sign.
[telephone ringing]
Still doing the screening thing?
I had sex today.
I never have to answer that phone again.
(Joey on answering machine) 'Here comes the beep. You know what to do.'
[beeping]
(Jade on phone) 'Hey, Bob, it's Jade.'
'Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt'
'when you didn't show up the other day'
'and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.'
- Bob here. - Oh, hi.
So, uh, you met someone, huh?
'Yes. Yes, I did.'
'In fact, I had sex with him two hours ago.'
So, uh, how was he?
'Eh.'
Eh?
'Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you.'
'I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.'
Well, that makes me feel so good.
'It was just so awkward and bumpy.'
Well, maybe he had some kind of, uh, new, uh, cool style
that you're not familiar with
and, uh, maybe you have to get used to it.
'Well, there really wasn't much time to get used to it'
'if you know what I mean.'
[instrumental music]
You know what?
I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.
Yeah, I know. It's my birthday.
We all should be here.
So let's go.
[guitar music]
[cheering]
Well, may, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.
Yeah, I mean, it'd be rude to them
for us to leave now.
You know the guys are probably havin' a great time.
Come on, you guys, one more time.
Okay.
- One. - No.
[applauding]
- That was amazing! - Excellent!
That was excellent.
I can't believe the guys missed that.
What guys? Oh, yeah.
Excuse me. You're Monica Geller, aren't you?
Do I know you?
You used to be my baby-sitter.
Oh, my God, little Stevie Fisher?
- How have you been? - Good. Good.
Um, I'm a lawyer now.
You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
Well, listen, it was nice to see you.
- Uh, I got to run backstage. - Wait-wait. Backstage?
Oh, yeah. My firm represents the band.
- Ross. - Chandler.
How are you?
Look, you guys wanna meet the group?
- Yeah, we do. - Come on.
So look, are you one of the ones
that fooled around with my dad?
[instrumental music]
Hey, you guys.
- Happy birthday. - Oh, thank you.
Thanks.
So, uh, how was your night last night?
Oh, well, it pretty much sucked.
How was yours?
Yeah, ours pretty much sucked too.
Oh, but I did run into little Stevie Fisher.
- Do you remember him? - Oh, yeah.
I used to baby-sit him. Hey, how's his dad?
Good.
Well, aside from that the whole evening was pretty much a bust.
Yeah, we, we really missed you guys.
Yeah, l-look, uh, we were just saying
this whole thing is so stupid.
We just have to really, really, really not let stuff like this
about money get, like..
Is that a hickey?
Oh, no, I just, I fell down.
On someone's lips?
Where'd you get the hickey?
- You know, a party or.. - What party?
Well, it-it wasn't a party
so much as a, a gathering of people..
...with food and music and-and-and the band.
You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
Yes, apparently, Stevie and Hootie are like this.
Who gave you that hickey?
That would be the work of a Blowfish.
[screaming]
I can't believe it. I can't believe this.
Oh, we're just, like, sitting at home
just trying to guess Joey's fingers, and..
...and you guys are out like, partying and having fun
and, you know, all, hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck. Ah.
Hey, look, don't blame us.
You guys could have been there, you know?
Oh, what? A-as part of your poor friends outreach program?
[beeping] Oh, great. It's work. Can I?
Look, I don't know what to say.
I'm-I'm sorry that we make more money than you
but we're not going to feel guilty about it.
We work really hard for it.
And we don't work hard?
Yeah, hi. It's Monica. Just got a page?
I'm just saying that we sometimes we like to do stuff
that costs a little more.
Oh, and you feel like we hold you back?
Yes.
No.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Leon, Leon, wait.
Shh, guys.
Wait, I don't understand.
Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor.
That was not a kick-back.
Alright, I mean, come on, I'll just replace them
and we can forget the whole thing.
What corporate policy?
No.
Yeah.
Okay.
I just got fired.
(together) Oh.
Here's your check. That'll be 4.12.
Let me get that.
You got five bucks?
[instrumental music]
[telephone ringing]
(Joey on answering machine) 'Here comes the beep. You know what to do.'
[beeping]
(Jade on phone) 'Hi. It's me.'
'Listen, Bob, I'm-I'm probably way out of line here.'
'I mean, it has been three years'
'and you're probably seeing someone else now'
'but if we could just have one night together'
'just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night.'
[instrumental music]