Hey.
(together) 'Hey.'
- So how was Joan? - Broke up with her.
- Oh. - Why?
Don't tell me. Because of the big-nostril thing?
They were huge.
When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Oh, come on. They were not that huge.
I'm telling you. She leaned back.
I could see her brain.
How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject
over the most superficial, insignificant things?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it, hold it.
I mean, I got to side with Chandler on this one.
When I first moved to the city
I went out a couple times with this girl
really hot, great kisser
but she had the biggest Adam's apple.
Ew. Drove me nuts.
- You or me. - I got it.
Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
[laughing]
You guys are messing with me, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah. We are.
That was a good one.
For a second there, I was like, whoa.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ Well it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Because you're there for me too ♪♪
So you name one woman
that you broke up with for an actual real reason.
Maureen Rosillo.
'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni is not a real reason.
[knock on door]
Oh, hello, Mr. Heckles.
You're doing it again.
We're not doing anything.
You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
You don't have birds.
I could have birds.
Okay, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.
Thank you.
I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.
Alright. Bye-bye.
(Chandler) 'Okay, Janice.'
Janice. You got to give me Janice.
That wasn't about being picky.
- Yeah. - We'll give you Janice.
I miss Janice, though.
[imitating Janice] Hello, Chandler Bing.
[imitating Janice] Oh, my God.
[imitating Janice] Oh, Chandler.
Now, now.
'That's it.'
There. Faster.
[laughing]
[knock on floor]
Oh, stop with the broom!
We're not making noise!
[knock on floor]
Oh, God.
[knock on floor]
- We won. - We did?
[cheering]
[groaning]
Mr. Heckles.
How did this happen?
Uh, he must have been sweeping.
They found a broom in his hand.
- Oh. - Oh, God.
- That's terrible. - I know.
I was sweepin' yesterday.
- It could have been me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Joey) 'Sure, sure.'
- Sweeping. - Right.
- You never know. - Never know.
[instrumental music]
Okay, it's very faint
but I can still sense him in the building.
Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
Okay, Phoebe.
Um, I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help.
Here we go.
That's fine. Go ahead and scoff.
But, you know, there are a lot of things out there
that I don't believe in but that doesn't mean they're not true.
Such as?
Like crop circles or the Bermuda Triangle
or Evolution.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in Evolution?
Nah. Not really.
You don't believe in Evolution?
I don't know, it's just, you know, monkeys, Darwin.
You know, i-it's a nice story.
I just think it's a little too easy.
Too easy? Too..
The process of every living thing on this planet
evolving over millions of years
from single-celled organisms is-is too easy?
Yeah. I just don't buy it.
Uh, excuse me.
Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe.
Evolution is scientific fact
like-like-like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Oh. Okay, don't get me started on gravity.
You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Well, it's not so much that, you know
like, I don't believe in it.
You know, it's just
I don't know, lately I get the feeling
that I'm not so much being pulled down
as I am being pushed.
[knock on door]
Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton and he's pissed.
Oh, there she is, right over there.
'That's the other one.'
'This is Mr. Buddy Boyle'
Heckles' attorney.
He'd like to talk to you.
Okay, w-what can we do for you?
Alright, kids.
Here's the deal.
According to my client's will
he wants to leave all his earthly possessions
to the, uh, "noisy girls in the apartment above mine."
Well, what about his family?
He didn't have any.
(Joey) 'Whoa.'
Oh, okay, so let's talk money.
Alright. There was none.
Now, let's talk signing.
You be noisy girl number one.
You be noisy girl number two.
I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us.
I mean, isn't it amazing
how much you can touch someone's life
without even knowing it?
- Would you look at this dump? - He hated us.
This was his final revenge.
Ever seen so much crap?
Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.
Check this out.
Can I have this?
How can you not believe in Evolution?
I don't know. Just don't.
Look at this funky shirt.
Look, Pheebs, I've studied Evolution
my entire adult life, okay, and I can tell you
we have collected fossils from all over the world
that actually show
the Evolution of different species, okay?
I mean, you can-you can literally see them
evolving through time.
Really? You can actually see it?
You bet. In-in, uh, the US, China, Africa, all over.
See, I didn't know that.
Well, there you go.
Huh.
So now, the real question is
who put those fossils there, and why?
Hey, look at this.
"My big book of grievances."
Hey, there's me.
"April 17th, excessive noise.
Italian guy comes home with a date."
Yeah. Hey, Chandler, look, you're in here too.
"April 18th, excessive noise.
Italian guy's gay roommate brings home dry cleaning."
Well, that's excellent.
Monica, Monica, look at this lamp.
Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
Uh, Rach, I think we have enough regular lamps.
What? Oh, come on.
I mean, it-it's not like, it's not like
I'm asking for this girlie clock
or anything, which, by the way
I also think is really cool.
Look, it doesn't go with any of my stuff.
Well, what about my stuff?
You don't have any stuff.
You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
Hmm, no.
Yes, you do.
You think of it as your apartment
and I'm just someone who rents a room.
Hmm..
Okay, while you hmm on that for a while
I'm going to go find a place for my new lamp.
Okay, Pheebs
see how I'm making these little toys move?
Opposable thumbs.
Without evolution, how do you explain
opposable thumbs?
Maybe the overlords needed them
to steer their spacecrafts.
Please tell me you're joking.
Look, can't we just say
that you believe in something and I don't?
No, no. No, Pheebs, we can't.
- Okay? - Why not?
What is this obsessive need you have
to make everybody agree with you?
No, what's that all about?
You know what I think?
I think, maybe it's time you put
Ross under the microscope.
Is there blood coming out of my ears?
Check it out. Check it out.
Heckles' high school yearbook.
Look.
Wow, he looks so normal.
Yeah, he's even kind of cute.
"Heckles, you crack me up in science class.
"You're the funniest kid in school."
Funniest? Heckles?
That's what it says.
Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I.
[thumping]
He was right. Would you listen to that?
I'd call that excessive.
- Whoa. - What?
Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet.
And he was in the Scale Modelers Club
and I was, well, there was no club
but I sure thought they were cool.
So you were both dorks.
Big deal.
I just think it's weird, you know, Heckles and me..
[thumping]
Heckles and me, me..
[thumping]
Me and Heckles..
Hey, would you knock it off!
[screams]
[instrumental music]
Have you been here all night?
Look at this.
Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with.
Look what he wrote on them.
"Vivian, too tall."
"Madge, big gums."
"Too loud." "Too smart."
"Makes noise when she eats."
This is, this is me.
This is what I do.
I'm gonna end up alone just like he did.
Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.
Our trains are on the same track, okay?
Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him
but the stops are all the same.
Bittertown, Aloneville
Hermit Junction.
Alright, you know, what we got to do?
We got to get you out of here.
Come on, I'll buy you breakfast. Let's go.
Well, what if I never find somebody?
Or even worse, what if I already found her
but I dumped her because she pronounces it supposebly?
Chandler, come on. You're gonna find somebody.
How do you know that?
- How? - I don't know.
I'm just trying to help you out.
You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married
and I'm gonna end up alone.
(Chandler) 'Will you promise me something?'
When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?
Well, I mean, I don't know what we're gonna be doin'.
I mean, uh, what if we're over at her folks' place?
Yeah, I understand.
You can come over and watch the Super Bowl.
Every year. Alright?
You know what?
I'm not gonna end up like this.
I'll see you, man.
Gee.
Supposebly.
Did they go to the zoo?
Supposebly.
[instrumental music]
[telephone ringing]
Hi. It's me.
Oh, my God.
Janice? You called Janice?
Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
You remember Janice, right?
Yes, she was smart, she was pretty
and she honestly cared about me.
Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
Hello!
Oh, my God.
Geez, look how fat she got.
Hey, it's everybody.
(Phoebe) 'Hi, Janice.'
- Janice, you're.. - Yes, I am.
- Is it.. - Is it yours?
Hah! You wish, Chandler Bing.
You are looking at a married lady now.
Oh. Yeah.
Congratulations.
Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry.
You couldn't have told me about this over the phone?
And what? Miss the expression on your face? Oh, no.
Janice likes to have her fun.
[laughing]
Hey, Rach, you know what we haven't played in a while?
- What? - Hide the lamp.
Okay. Monica, let it go.
Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?
Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
Uh-oh. It's scary scientist man.
Okay, Phoebe, this is it.
In this briefcase, I carry actual scientific facts.
A briefcase of facts, if you will.
Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
Okay, look, before you even start
I'm not denying Evolution, okay?
I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities--
It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
Okay, Ross, could you just open your mind like, this much?
Okay?
Now, wasn't there a time
when the brightest minds in the world
believed that the earth was flat?
And up until, like what 50 years ago
you all thought the atom was the smallest thing
until you split it open
and this like, whole mess of crap came out.
Now, are you telling me
that you are so unbelievably arrogant
that you can't admit that
there's a teeny, tiny possibility
that you could be wrong about this?
There might be..
A teeny..
...tiny..
...possibility.
I can't believe you caved.
What?
You just abandoned your whole belief system.
You know, before I-I didn't agree with you
but at least I respected you.
But..
No, how, how are you gonna go into work tomorrow?
How?
How-How're you going to face the other science guys?
How-how're you going to face yourself?
That was fun. So who's hungry?
- I am. - Me too.
Let me just get my coat.
[thud]
- Oh! - Okay, alright.
It was an accident, I swear. Alright?
I was-I was putting on my jacket and t-the thing
and-and the lamp and i-it broke.
Oh, please, Monica.
You've always hated my lamp.
And now, all of a sudden it's just
magically, it's just broken?
Phoebe, tell her.
Okay, I didn't see it 'cause I was putting on my jacket
but, um, I want to believe you.
Hey, Chandler.
Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
Okay, you win.
Chandler, you are not gonna die alone.
Janice was my safety net, okay?
And now, I have to get a snake.
Uh-huh. Why is that?
If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm going to need
a thing, you know, a hook.
Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face.
So I figure I'll be crazy man with a snake, you know?
Crazy snake man.
Then, I'll get more snakes, call them my babies.
Kids won't walk past my place, they will run.
Run away from crazy snake man!
They'll shout.
You've got to get over this, okay?
You-you're not going to end up alone.
Of course I am.
I reject anyone who's crazy enough
to actually go out with me
and then I bitch about the fact
that there aren't any great women out there.
Chandler, you have just described
virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.
Yeah.
You are not a freak.
You're a guy.
(Rachel) 'She's right, she's right.'
You are no different than the rest of them.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes, he is.
Yeah. You are totally different.
- In a bad way? - No, honey, in a wonderful way.
You know what you want now.
I mean, most guys don't even have a clue.
I mean, you are ready to take risks
you're ready to be vulnerable
and i-intimate with someone.
Yeah, you're not gonna end up alone.
Yeah, Chandler, you called Janice.
That's how much you wanted to be with someone.
- And you've made it. - You're there.
You are ready to make a commitment.
Whoa! Don't know about that.
[instrumental music]
Oh, what you got there?
Something else that's not yours that you can break?
No, um..
...I know you like this, and I-I want you to have it.
I think it would look good in our apartment.
Thank you.
[whistling]
That's fine.
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
Well, you will all be pleased to know
that I have a date tomorrow night.
This woman Alison from work, she is great.
She's pretty, she's smart, and uh.
I've been holding off asking her out in the past
because she has a, uh..
...unusually large head
but I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore.
- Good for you. - Alright.
Look at me. I'm growing.
Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?
I'll take that.
You want his yearbook?
Yeah, yeah.
Some people said some nice things about him.
I think somebody should have it.
Oh, gosh, this is so weird.
I mean, his whole life was in this apartment
and now it's gone.
You know, I think it would be nice if we just
took a few moments for Mr. Heckles.
I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was
but he-he was a person.
[laughing]
(Monica) 'What?'
[chuckles] You're all going to hell.
Oh, it's really not that big.
Taking that with you, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you coming?
Yeah. In a second.
[instrumental music]
Goodbye, Mr. Heckles.
We'll try to keep it down.
Oh, my major was totally useless.
I mean, how often do you look in
the classifieds and see philosopher wanted?
Sure.
[Chandler] My God, that's a big head.
It didn't look this big in the office.
Maybe it's the lighting.
My head must look like a golf ball at work.
Alright. Don't get hung up on it.
Quick, quick.List five things you like about her.
Nice smile, good dresser
big head, big head, big head.
[theme music]